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Nicole Sep 2015
If I told you I could hear your thoughts,
would you close your eyes, explore, get lost?
If I told you I could feel your grief,
would you take my hand, deny, believe?
If I told you I could see your pain,
would you hold me close, dismiss, refrain?
If I told you I could love you so,
would you let me go?
© Nicole A
Bella Jul 17
Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton balls in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
Shiver through your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, organ, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly repulsive on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleansed
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine, every muscle organ vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusts you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry
My best friend's mom who doesn't believe in depression asked why I never told her I was depressed...
Cné Aug 2015
Lairs twist life so it's tasty to the lazy
Powerful to the weak and crazy

Brilliant and seductive to the
ignorant youth
But even in pain, there is beauty in the truth

Even a tiny bit of deceit is dishonorable
For only cowards lie selfishly without preamble

As lies only strengthen a liar's defects
A liar's character, mind, & spirit gains no positive affects

The abuser of the truth paints with disappearing colors
Valuing the canvass at worthless dollars

For once the veil of the facade is lifted
Honesty, integrity and trust can never be re-gifted.

Unhappy are the takers
Or why else be fakers?

But to devastate the essence of the believer
Measures the cruelty of the deceiver

Inner peace with self deception
Is the doing of one's own soul's destruction

However if truth be told
When lies gradually unfold,

Is it better to be the believer
Or the deceiver?
Long were the days when she told him
"i will love you till my last breath"
There's an evil feeling, ready to attack
My body's shaking, theres no turning back
Don't blame me, my world is turning black
Your in my head
Your in my heart
You were told to run away
Turn your back, I feel the pain
I was told to stay away
Those two words I can't obey
My heart is shredding as we say goodbye
I've been left crying and screaming your name
They keep telling me to stay away
You can't leave, I feel the pain
Nyx Aug 27

You told me
Take my hand
Close my eyes and jump
Taking a leap of pure faith
Landing with a gentle thump

You told me
I'll teach you how to fly
Soaring high above the clouds
Far away from this little town
To a place you can stand proud

You told me
I will love you forever
Building a life of just us two
A fabricated lie so sweet
But from the beginning I always knew

You told me
Trust in me
I would never betray you
Oh how I wish those words were true
I held such hope but you never seemed to come through

You told me
I will give you the world
Every single piece of you too
But clearly the world you speak of
Is a creation of pure taboo

You promised me
So very many things
But all I ever wanted
Was to spread my own wings

I wanted to fly
With you by my side
Just as you promised
But its okay that you lied

You gave me hope
Where all seemed dim
You were my light
No matter how grim

And so I told you
Goodbye my friend
Through a roaring storm
Casting away the skies
This is where our tragic love
Dies.
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