IDO NT MATT ERID ONTM ATT ERID ONTM ATTERID ONTMA T TER IDON TMA TTE RI DON TMA TE RIDON TMATTE RIDONT MA TTE RID ONTMATT ERIDONT M ATTERI D ON TMAT TERI DO NTM AT TERIDO NTMA TT ERI D ONT MA TTERID O NTM ATTERIDONT M ATTERI DO N TMA TTERI D ONTM A TTE RID ONTM A TTE RIDO NTMA T TERIDONT MA T TERID ONTM ATTERID ONT MATTE RIDO NTMATT ERIDON TMA TTE RI DONTM ATTERI DON TMA T T ERIDONTMA TTERID ONTMAT TER IDONTM AT TERIDON TMA TTERI D ONTMA TTERID DONT MAT TERID ON TMAT TER IDONTM ATTE RI DO NTMA TTER

It’s that time of the year
When commercials appear
to implore us to buy this or that.

For the shopkeepers fear
that without Christmas cheer
They will never get into the black!

Some Fraud in a red suit,
Quite obese and hirsute,
will be called on to hawk toys to tots.

Johnny Mathis and Bing,
Ad nauseum, will sing
old chestnuts of holidays past.

So we wish you Merry Christmas
Now that Halloween has past.
Here’s hoping, too, perhaps that you
might spend as you did in the past.

Let the registers ring
It’s a wonderful thing
To see all the rich spend their cash.

Staplers and hole-punch
Paper, signatures, and stamps
Busy, busy work
Audit error, office closed
Oncoming apocalypse

---

“If you are viewing this instructional video, you may be having some glitches with your audit processes. Don’t panic. From time to time, any bureaucracy worth its hole-punch will need to conduct an audit.

Daily dandy-desk-documented fun
Standard sunny-systematised-stapled hijinks

However, sometimes, there is a clerical error, or worse, a process deviation. If this occurs during an ordinary, 8:45am-5:20pm workday, the standard review process can be implemented, commencing on the same day, should the error be detected before 12pm, and if later than 12pm, commencing on the next working day. The typical review timelines can then follow, ideally 3-5 business days for information gathering, followed by committee consideration dependent on the 6-weekly cycle and agenda length.

Expected. Thorough. Busy. Reassuring.
All systems nominal.
Stamping and signing rates above baseline.
Working hard, at a sensible, sustainable pace. Amiright?

Unfortunately, occasionally,
something cataclysmic happens
bottom right on the risk matrix
(likelihood=E (rare) x consequence=5 (catastrophic))

Hold onto your staplers…
A fault occurs during the audit.
An audit error in the error audit.
This results in the dreaded, circular,
Paper Ouroboros Paradox.  
At this point, the
perfectly procedured
copybook committeed
faultlessly filed
bureaucracy
will implode.

The only way of avoiding POP is
a concurrent process to audit the
audit, we call this The Meta Audit.  
The bookish amongst you may want to say
that would increase the circularity
(moving POP from likelihood=E, to D!)
Don’t worry, we run the Meta Meta
Audit to make sure that never happens.

Our favourite galactic bureaucrat avatars, the Vogons, were the first race to encounter the pure, paper-curling hell of TMA. That is why these instructions are written in poetry, of sorts. But not Vogon-authored poetry, of course, even though
the quality
and honestly
the policy
of the potential use
of these directions
or sections
or connections
for torture
Have never been directly investigated.

The KPI for TMA is known as the
Kafka-Cockroach Distance
measured in imaginary cockroach lengths (icL).

Under potential conditions of
POP, the TMA KPI KCD starts at
42 icL
     and counts down with
     every fatal meta error:
       -Information presented to audit
         committee in triplicate
         instead of quadruplicate,
41 icL
      -Audit presentation containing
        27 slides instead of 26,
        as clearly outlined,
40 icL
     -Email about colonoscopy sent
       to audit address list instead of mum,
39 icL
     And so on.

You’ll know when you reach 17 icL,
You’ll see the cockroaches.
Conveniently, this makes measurement simpler

Now you know how to calculate your Kafka-Cockroach Distance, you can audit your audits with perfect assurance and insurance.

---

This bureaucracy
Kafkaesque catastrophe
Dear Douglas Adams
Thanks for giving me words for
Processing my processes

Vítr si za tmy hraje s listy stromů,
kde ve zlato se tma otáčí
a peklo se mazlí s lidma domů,
kde samota líbá na oči.

S bodáky jehličí měsíc splývá
a podlaha pálí jako led,
do průrev střechy souhvězdí zpívá.
Taky můžeš jít spát naposled.

Kocour na uhel černý nocí hoří
a mrtvé maso by rád k ránu sněd
a nachové plachty z odplutých moří
se pnou vstříc pevnině smrti na dohled.

Vítr za tmy si hraje s vlasy stromů
a displeje ve tmě zazáří,
nebe se stáhlo do stínu lomů.
Chceš škrábat sny na bílém polštáři?

(In Memory of Miss Araceli M. Katigbak, TMA’s Miss Grammar)

You taught us
to talk and write head up high
in a tongue to foster,
that is not our mother
The scroll of rules
and the roster of exceptions
you’ve mastered
and you made us master,
patiently you nurtured
the timid buds
diligently you challenged us
daily, and your voice
still reverberates –
Correct practice makes perfect!
Beyond subject-predicate agreements
Your treasured grammar lessons
taught the young at heart,
the malleable minds:
Every man or every woman is
but
Men or women are,
regardless or irrespective
of beginnings,
required to know:
1. There are rules to be followed.
- and we expanded this to our lives,
and not just our paragraphs and sentences
2. There are exceptions to be considered.
- and you indirectly taught us,
to recognize differences
and that difficulties of the English language
are just like people’s frailties
and our friends’ idiosyncracies
3. Mastering grammar is good
but honesty is the best!

And thus, your lessons most precious
are far above your prim and proper dress and shoes
and your gospels of correct usage, syntax and other linguistic gems
delivered good citizenship and how-to-be-a-good-friend items.
The Good English we learned are words to live by
You’ve given us treasures no money can buy.

Silnice unavené auty
Školy unavené Wikipedií
Děti unavené sledováním porna
Učitelé unavení sledováním porna
Krajina unavená vyholováním
Ženy unavené vyholováním
Maminky na mateřské unavené formaldehydem
Novostavby unavené opravami
Callcentra unavená náborem lidí
Řidiči nočních autobusů unavení spícími pasažéry
Bezdomovci unavení bezdomovci
Zadky recepčních unavené dalšími stravenkami
Policisté unavení revizory
Tatínci unavení zájmem tatínků o jejich dcery
Servírky unavené hledáním normálních chlapů
Kapely unavené nápady u piva
Kritici unavení kritikou
Personalistky unavené nezaměstnanými
Rekvalifikace unavené dotacemi
Řemeslníci unavení nezvedáním telefonu
Ukrajinci unavení českými podnikateli
Zaměstnanci unavení výmluvami
Faktury unavené švarcsystémem
Právníci unavení lhaním
Právníci unavení mlčením
Rektoři unavení podnikáním
Exekutoři unavení soudy
Soudy unavené jinými soudy
Vyděrači unavení vydíráním
Programátoři unavení nudou
Realisti unavení bezmocí
Humanisti unavení láskou
Náckové unavení láskou
Cikáni unavení Cikány
Milenci unavení stahováním filmů
Hypotéky unavené rozvody
Děti unavené pedofily
Zoo unavená zvířaty
Kočky unavené marinovaným masem
Pokladní unavená otevírací dobou
Důchodci unavení zubaři
Zubařky v důchodě unavené zuby
Překladatelé poezie unavení Google Books
Developeři unavení trojčlenkou
Realitní makléři unavení vlastními domy
Rapeři unavení rytmem
Rusky unavené Ruskem
Mladí Vietnamci unavení kung-paem
Lékaři unavení platbami za umírající pacienty
Pražská tma unavená svítícími tučnáky
Náhoda unavená předvídatelností
Vltava unavená Instagramem
Přítomnost unavená budoucností
že by mělo přijít ještě něco dalšího.

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