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Overwhelmed Aug 2012
how many times had I driven down pleasant hill after dark?
how many times had I sailed through the left turn lane into your neighborhood?
how many times had I squinted past my lights on the road in front of your house?
how many times had I seen the name of your neighborhood on the sign but I still can't remember it now? (did I ever know it?)
how many times had I leaned into that narrow uphill turn?
how many times had I gone fifty in a twenty-five when no-one was around?
how many times had I sped past your house only to turn around in the cul-de-sac just a little ways down the road?
how many times had I parked outside of your house and then knocked on your door?
how many times had I parked outside of your house and just waited?
how many times had I said "hi, how are you?" and listened ever so intently to you?
how many times had I had something to say and ignored you?
how many times had I stopped at QT and gotten a 59 cent soda and some gas?
how many times had I leaned over and kissed you at a stop light?
how many times had I pulled up into my drive way and gotten out with you?
how many times had I brought you to basement and made love to you?
how many times had I brought you down there just to *******?
how many times had I enjoyed that and so did you?
how many times had I laid there with you wondering if things were ok?
how many times had I said I loved you before I knew for sure?
how many times had I walked awkwardly with you upstairs trying to fake like we weren't up to anything? (not anything bad at least. hehe.)
how many times had I sadly driven you home?
how many times had I smiled at you because I really had been happy for once?
how many times had I smiled at you because that's all I could do?
how many times had I driven off without and felt less whole?
how many times had I stopped at QT and gotten a 59 cent soda on my own?
how many times had I thought about how great things finally were?
how many times had I almost believed in god because of you?
how many times had I felt like a fool?
how many times had I regretted all this wasted time?
how many times had I thought the best way was the way out?
how many times had I been right about everything?
how many times had I been wrong?
how many times had I loved you?
and
how many times had I been a fool?

well?
how many?
LeBobbe Aug 2017
During those times, I want to be there.

Those times when you're happy, smiling and laughing.
Those times when you're sad, tears you try to hide.
Those times when you're with your friends, altogether chatting.
Those times when you want to be alone, thinking of way to put your problems aside.

Those times when your singing, calms the nerves of those who hear.
Those times when your writing your thoughts, words compliment you so purely.
Those times when you when you play guitar, notes are heard crystal clear.
Those times when you play ukulele, your voice accompanies it so cutely.

Those times when you play piano, grace fuels your fingers.
Those times when emotions control you, emotions that cloud your judgement.
Those times when you're aloof, emotion that lingers often lingers.
Those times when emotions overcome you, emotions that needs to vent.

Those times when tears fall because of happiness, I'll wipe it with care.
Those times when tears fall because of sadness, I'll wipe it with solace.
Those times when others try to hurt you, those who actually do, beware.
Those times when you only need a hug, let me be the one to embrace.

Those times when you're broken, damage will become undone.
Those times when you need someone, let me be the one to be there.
Those times when you want someone to love. let me be the one.
But during those times, during those times someone else is there.
I really wish I was someone else.
Jack Dylan Apr 2014
There are times when I walk
There are time when I run
There are times when I sleep
There are times when I rest
There are times when I am resilient
There times when im vulnerable
There are times when I am anxious
There are times when I am solid
There are times when I am falling apart
There are times when I am put together
There are times when I have no idea
There are times when I think I have an idea
There are times when I feel useless
There are times when I feel on top of the world
There are times when I feel damaged
There are times when I understand my damage
There are times when I think “what the **** am I doing”
There are times when I think “I’m ok. I’m doing it right”
There are times when I think “****! What the hell am I supposed to do now?”
There are times when I think “Who cares?”
There are times when I think  
There are times when I think
There are times when I think

- J.D. Maxwell
Santos Rodriguez Jul 2014
There were times where thoughts didn’t exist

people didn’t confuse me

and everything was alright in the world.

There were times when I didn’t worry

and stress didn’t control my digestive system

and I didn’t need to medicate.

There were times I did not trust to be alone by myself,

for fear of my own destruction caused by myself

I didn’t understand the strength of the situation.

There were people I trusted who now are no longer

they don’t carry the same heartfelt endearment that was gifted

they don’t have a care in the world.

There were times where I neer thought about looking

scrolling through messages to find a false

a death occured.

There were times when I was somewhat whole,

somewhat capable,

somewhat caring of my own rights and my own dreams.

There were times where I put the right things first,

There were times where I said the things that were meant to be said

There were times where I saw myself in a succesful way of life

There were times where I did not want to just run away

There were times where I knew myself better

There were times where I was allowed to feel

There were times where I saw the people around me care

There were times where people actually meant something to me

There were times where I knew things had worth

There were times where I believed

There were times where I sought love

There were times where I sought truth

There were times where I sought life

There were times where I felt I wasn’t a caged animal

And now I’m in hell, prison, being objectified and slaughtered by those who are of lesser caricatures than life

There were times where I knew the face of the devil

There were times where I would banish this evil

But for some reason I think I’m stuck

I think I’m here for the realness promised

There were secrets kept,

Lies told,

And trust lost!
Mercury Chap Jun 2015
One time two times three times four
I write and write
That's what I allure
Four times three times two times one
I didn't realise
I would never be done.

One time two times three times four
Everyone loves it
They ask for more
Four times three times two times one
I love to write so much
It's my own weapon.

One time two times three times four
I write for them
I think they like it I am sure
Four times three times two times one
I think I have lost it
I write for likes, tons.

Four times two times three times one
No one likes it
I think I am done
One time two times three times four
I write again
But not for anyone's likes anymore.
Now, I write for myself, for my own happiness and now, I don't care if people like it or not because now I know what I write is mine and I should be proud of it.
DC raw love Feb 2015
Times of joy
Times of happiness

Times of loneliness
Times of sadness

Times of gratitude
Times of thankfulness

Times of hurt
Times of pain

Times of winning
Times of giving

Times of losing
Times of crying

Times of love
Times of laughter

Times of death
Times of morning

Times in life
Can run short
Changing Times

     These are changing times
The clock just keeps ticking
Yes these are changing times
Though the blood never stops dripping

These are changing times
But things remain the same
Yes these are changing times
But it’s still a politician’s game

These are changing times
The waiting for peace is unremitting
Yes these are changing times
But the lies they continue spitting

These are changing times
But they still dismiss God’s voice, forbidding
Yes these are changing times
Yet nothing seems unfitting

These are changing times
Yet we’re still caveman savage
Yes these are changing times
Yet we’re forever greed driven to ravage

These are changing times
No one can figure it out, no one can win
Yes these are changing times
Yet we’re still divided by the color of skin

These are changing times
We’re still buying what the media has to sell
Yes these are changing times
As we keep getting closer to Hell

These are changing times
I cannot explain enough with these lines
Yes these are changing times
These are changing times

Written By:Charles Kean
Copyright © 10/18/2020
All rights reserved
Patrick Austin Sep 2018
Our Backgrounds before we met...

I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.

My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.

I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.

2002

She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.

2003

I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.

2004

She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.

I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.

I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.

I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.

2005

We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.

I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!

I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.

I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.

I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"

I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.

2006

We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict.  I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.

I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.

2007

We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.

2008

Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.

I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.

2009

I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon.  I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.

I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.

2010

The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.

I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.

I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.

2011

I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.

I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.

2012

Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.

2013

We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.

2014

We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.

I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy  huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.

2015

I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.

2016

We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.

2017

We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.

I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.

I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.

I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.

2018

We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.

I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.

Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.

Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.

Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.

Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.

Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.

I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.

She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.

I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.

This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
Louise May 2014
How many times did I die
how many times did my heart fail to beat
How many times did I just lay
and just stay amidst defeat

How many times did I starve
how many times did I cry
How many times did I just want to sleep
when you left, when we said 'Goodbye'

How many times did I collapse
how many times did I fail to get up
How many times did I force myself to continue
when I knew what in me was not enough

How many times did I think of you
how many times, did you I search
How many times did I try to forget
and my voice could not say the words

How many times did you think of me
how many times did you care
How many times did you even realise
I thought I'd die without you there
been listening to too many Adele songs!!
Sarah Wallace Aug 2015
How many times have we known lovers and the "timing wasn't right?"
How many times have we fell for human beings that could not love us back. How many times have others fallen for us and we couldn't reciprocate the feeling? How many times have we lied in bed wishing for arms around our waists, how many times have we been hurt? How many hurts does it take to create a barrier for love? Then how do you know when it's real? How many times has the one walked by us and glanced into our eyes. And neither of us knew, went on living our lives. How many times will we watch love movies and cry, or long for the love we read of in books? How many times have we looked at old photographs or replayed old memories? How many times have we cried out asking " why me" how many times have we loved being free? How many times have we gazed at the stars and wondered who else could see, and who else was thinking of love.. We can sit here and wonder...How many times how many times
How many
Times.
blackbox Jun 2014
There are times, when you want to cut-off from the world.
And there are times, when no one's around you to hold.

There are times, when you've a lot to say but words fall short.
And there are times, when you've nothing at all but you still have to talk.

There are times, when you're strong enough but too scared to fight.
And there are times, when you're weak but you do what's right.

There are times, when you feel like crying but tears don't fall off your eyes,
And there are times, when you're happy but can't laugh as a friend next to you cries.

There are times, when you don't want to reveal the secrets buried in your heart,
And there are times, when you want to share but nobody's close enough to be a part.

All I want to say is, I could have lived through all those times,
If you had just said, "I'm with you sweetheart, so everything's gonna be fine".
Sometimes I hate.

Sometimes I think terrible thoughts.

Sometimes I roll my eyes at things that are way too corny.

Sometimes I get jealous.

Sometimes I am not grateful for what I have.

Sometimes I want more and I'm never satisfied.

Sometimes I laugh and I really do not mean it.

Sometimes I smile, but I'm really rolling my eyes.

Sometimes I'm nice only because I have to be.

Sometimes I stay positive only to fight someone's negativity.

Sometimes I care too much about what other people think.

Sometimes I say things that are hurtful to others.

Sometimes I miss church on purpose.

Sometimes I'm angry with everyone because I have too many thoughts in my head.

Sometimes I judge people.

Sometimes I think people overreact without trying to understand.

Sometimes I do nothing instead of doing something good.

Sometimes I take the easy way out.

Sometimes I really could care less.

Sometimes I am not really happy to see others happy.

Sometimes I wish I could run away.

Sometimes I wish I could just give up.

Sometimes it hurts to look back at these thoughts.

Sometimes I agree with them to avoid conflict.

Society makes us believe that these sort of thoughts are unforgivable. If I had a choice, I would choose not to think about these things. I work on this on a daily basis, but I have learned that I work better when I challenge why these thoughts came into mind in the first place. At the end of the day, we are all only human and we cannot always control what runs past our mind. This is okay. I am here to say you are not alone. I can say that with a fact that this does not make you a terrible person. I have a list of why this is;

Most times I am not thinking about what could go wrong.

Most times I am smiling and working to make someone else smile.

Most times I apologize for doing something hurtful.

Most times I will not repeat my hurtful words.

Most times I celebrate other's success.

Most times I laugh enough to work on my six-pack.

Most times I say grace for the small things.

Most times I make the most of what I have.

Most times I am nice when I do not need to be.

Most times I will compliment a small detail.

Most times I stay positive to infect it in everyone's day.

Most times I do the right thing even when no one is looking.

Most times I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Most times I am sorry for the decisions I make that hurt others.

Most times I stay put and face my problems head-on.

Most times I look back on my thoughts and smile.

Most times I have no idea what I am doing, but I continue to do it.

Most times I do good instead of doing nothing.

Most times I love.

The point is, most times I am doing the best I can do, and that is okay.
At times
The rain relentlessly rains
And might seem never
Never to rain once again
But it does,

At times
The sun incessantly shines
And might seem never
Never to shine once again
But it does,

At times
The moon dims its light
And might seem never
Never to shine once again
But it does,

At times
Stars effulgently shine
And might seem never
Never to shine once again
But they do,

At times
The wind relentlessly whistles
And might seem never
Never to whistle once again
But it does,

At times
Life is circuitous
And might seem never
Never to be straight once again
But it will,

At times
You're at a low ebb
And might seem never
Never to hold a penny once again
But you will,

At times
You're engulfed in doldrums
And might seem never
Never to be solaced once again
But you will,

At times
You're drenched in despair
And hope might seem never
Never to come your way once again
But it will,

At times
You wail
And might seem never
Never to smile once again
But you will,

At times
You're heart broken
And might seem never
Never to love once again
But you will,

At  times
You're lonely
And might seem never
Never to be happy once again
But you will,

At times  
You're lover parts from you
And might seem never
Never to be the same once again
But you will,

At times
Your're in a daze
And might seem never
Never to know whats right once again
But you will,

At times
Failure engulfs you
And success might seem never
Never to come your way once again
But it will,

Every thing will
Just on cue.
#Hope
At the end of a hill there is a ***** hence never despair in life.
The best is yet to come your way whilst you keep the faith that everything will at last be alright despite hardships. 
Only then you shall have failure vanquished.
The Lost Poet Jul 2015
I've wrote this a thousand times
I've erased this a thousand times,
You shouted at me a thousand times,
You laughed with me a thousand times,
You held me a thousand times,
You protected me a thousand times,
You guided me a thousand times,
You told me it will be okay a thousand times, You wiped my tears a thousand times,
You told me to smile a thousand times,
You told me you wouldn't leave me a thousand times.
You told me you would stay by my side a thousand times
You left and now I cry for you a thousand times..
There are times in life
Times to run
Times to walk
Times to laugh
Times to cry
Times to love
Times to lie
Times to shiver on a winter night
Times to listen
Times to speak
Times when stillness will be achieved
Times for sleep in hope of dreams
Times to watch the falling leaves
Times to feel that summer breeze
Times for you and times for me
There is time to live
And we will all find the time to die
The time for our bodies to return to the light
A thousand times my dear,
a thousand times.
A definite thousand times a thousand times,
to the moon and back,
to love.
And a thousand times, my darling, my darling,
a thousand times, i would say,
that i love you, forever, and always,
to the moon and back,
I love.
A million times removed my love,
a million times,
a million times, removed, my love,
from the stars, each one, and back,
my love is removed.
A thousand times, my sweet,
a thousand times my sweet, sweet love,
a thousand times, my love,
my love has been destroyed,
my love, been destroyed.
A hundred times, countless, my heart,
a hundred times i counted, my heart,
my heart, a thousand times,
you have been broken,
my heart, from love.
My count has lost numbers,
my dear,
my darling,
my love,
My Heart,
a loss of numbers, i have,
in the making of my heart,
in the making of my sweet love,
to my darling,
in the giving of my daring love,
to my dear,
I have lost.
Joseph Kernozek May 2010
I've seen you hundreds of times before,
with your broken shopping cart.
Sometimes filled with your possessions,
and other times with bottles and cans.

I’ve seen you hundreds of times before,
with your broken spirit.
Sometimes holding a sign,
and other times a bottle.

I’ve seen you hundreds of times before,
with your broken life.
Sometimes sleeping in the park,
and other times panhandling at a traffic light.

You’ve seen me millions of times before,
with my broken attitude.
Sometimes filled with compassion,
but most times with fear and disgust.

You’ve seen me millions of times before,
with my broken society.
Sometimes building a bridge,
but most times putting up a wall.

You’ve seen me millions of times before,
with my broken movements.
Sometimes going forward
but most times headed nowhere.

I’ve seen you hundreds of times before,
with your broken shopping cart.
Filled with my worst fears,
as I walk by.

You’ve seen me millions of times before,
with my broken attitude.
Filled with your hopes and dreams,
as I walk away.
MJ Aug 2013
acid: four times
breaking bad: three times
cried: six times
drunk: fifteen times
embarrassed: six times
****(ing/ed): thirty seven times
hate(s): seven times
idiot: three times
****: three times
lonely: five times
love: nine times
sad: four times
***: five times
trust: three times

August 28th, 2012- January 27th, 2013


*-MJS
anonturtles Jun 2019
Most everything we did, we did too many times to count.
The kisses hello and kisses goodnight,
all-consuming hugs and kicks under the table.
The side glances you'd give me,
with that half smile
in response to a joke that was not good
and was probably mine.

I told you I loved you too many times to count.
All the nights out and all the nights in
under covers with a movie we would give up on
because I was asleep in your arms,
on your shoulder,
too many times to count.

You pressed your nose against mine too many times to count
so close that I'd look with only one eye at a time
and try to memorize your face
smiling in response to that very special smile you saved
for only when we were nose to nose
then wait not so patiently for you to kiss me.

I wish I had a tally
of all these nice things and nice words
to wrap up into nice memories
I could keep and count for years to come.
But I regret much more not counting the other things
of the not so nice nature
important things
that needed to be counted
and were not.

Like all those times you made me cry
for equally uncountable reasons,
reasons I can't remember clearly
but at the time sent a chill through my heart
ran through my nerves
got caught in a cold breath
so that I felt the absence of your love
the emptiness of where you told me it was.
I felt that hole too many times to count.

You left me for more interesting things too many times to count
so that I felt so alone
even though I was with you
disappointed that you had disappointed once again.
You, being you,
and me, being me,
being not each other and not close either
then crying again
realizing we would never be.

We went to bed angry too many times to count
and woke up forgetful every time after
because our problems could not be fixed
and we knew it would do us no good to look at them.

I thought about breaking up too many times to count
and clearly you did too,
because I can count the number of times we did, once.
Still, you broke my heart too many times to count
before, during, after our relationship,
picking up the pieces, the uncountable number of pieces,
and piecing myself back together
on just another occasion I would not bother counting.

I loved you in spite of everything too many times to count
Let my heart burn with quiet hope
hoping everything would be okay
even though it was never okay
and my heart was already cooked black
yet still, I could probably start counting now.

If only I had counted
then I would know how much I don't need you
then I would have some grand sum as proof
then I wouldn't have to count now

count the tears I still cry
count the nights I can't sleep
count the drinks I don't count to drink more

My heart falls silent after a fit of anguish and pain and desperation
watching the gears in my brain snap with the
incompatibility of reality and my now silent heart
Fallen flat. too tired to get back up
Santiago Jun 2015
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'are alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends. "

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
How many times do I.............
love you dear......?
How many times do I care?
How many times must I tell you, love
How many times must I declare?
only have a moment
of bliss
have many times seen the end of this tunnel
and still I haven't  finished to pass this by

how many times I have to say
how many times should I have to whisper
how many times I should still digest
how many times must I still consume
how many times I have to come back from the dead

how many times must I die again
through graveyards around

just to sweep away the conjecture
away to comply
to your demands
is this a reprimand....?


© SYLVIA FRANCES CHAN
This is my poem for today,, not really a happy one, but one created in an emotional mood now, and that shall oft differs from time to time and from day to day. With love, Sylvia FC
Molly Nov 2014
I have had seventeen birthdays including the day I was born.
I have lived in three houses and two apartments, have had four dogs and five cats, have dislocated my left elbow twice.
I have kissed four boys and three girls, have been one boy's first kiss, one boy's first time, another boy's first "I love you", I have never touched him.
I have smoked marijuana twice and been caught once.
I have worn a bow tie three times, have been called a **** four, have hit someone for it once.
I have been a vegetarian for three years and have slipped and eaten meat five times.
I have been through the same divorce twice in one week because my mom thought she had changed her mind; I have never told her how much worse that made it.
I have tried to eat grapefruit twice since the night I regurgitated that flavor of *****, I have failed both times.
I have gone forty-two days straight without drinking alcohol.
I have woken up and mistaken morning breath for the aftertaste of beer too many times to count.
I have held three of my closest friends after they were touched without consent.
I have made the boy who convinced me to sext him even though he knew I was drunk apologize once; he never felt sorry.
I have heard the three words "I love you" from one boy, I had to tell him he didn't mean it four times, had to tell him not to kiss me six even though I wanted him to, reminded myself every time that he was on his tenth shot.
I have forty-eight visible scars on my body from the times it was too hard to love myself, have told three different therapists the same two things phrased differently every time: one, I'm sad, two, I don't know how to stop it.
I have cried three times in the past week.
One was over the three friends that I have held after they were touched without consent, one was over the boy who said he loved me, one was over the boy who convinced me to sext him even though he knew I was drunk.
I still talk to him five times a week, take one deep breath, count to three, and force myself not to pull away every time he touches me, spend the next eight minutes between classes trying to pull myself together, remind myself it was only one time.
I have not been alone with the boy who said he loved me in six weeks.
I have thought about kissing him every day for the past three-hundred and eight days.
I have had three dreams about him, each one recurring two, seven, or four times.
I have been reminded by strangers of the way he looks at me six times.
I have almost died once, drank four beers and seven shots of five assorted liquors, drug a razor across my skin eleven times, called three people for help, one answered.
I stopped trying to hide the scars on my wrist after thirty-four days of wearing sweaters in eighty-something degree heat, have seen twelve people stare at my arm, received disapproving looks from four of them, have never been asked for an explanation.
I have commented on how pretty the sun looks on the ten minute ride to school with my brother every morning for the past two weeks.
I have complimented at least one person a day every day for the past two years.
I have worn my favorite beanie at least sixty times in the past year and there is nothing wrong with that.
I laughed fifty-seven times yesterday.
I said "I love you" eleven.
I have chosen to be alive every day for five thousand, nine hundred, thirty seven days.
I have never made the wrong choice.
This isn't entirely accurate because I wrote it a few weeks ago but who cares
Ayeshah Feb 2014
This is the part I hate,
                                the part
                          where we divide  
                                             assets,

                                 divide memories,

                                          oh, I remember this CD,

                                        we danced and laughed

                        twirling round and round.


                                                        ­ Would you like half of that,

                            or how about the way our little girl

                                   learned how to ride her first                                          

                                   bike and the time we lost our first child,


                    the many times
      I've bailed you out,

                            the uncountable tears shed
                       for each one of your

                    lies and affairs.


            How do I give you half
         of what's left

                          when you've taken
        the very best of me,

                                like my trust & unconditional love,

                            the way we'd sit with out
        a word,

          our minds spoke to each other,
                               maybe
I can divide the many times
          
            we made love
and you'd finish before I did,                                                             ­                    the many friends
                I've given up

                         because you felt left out,
                              & didn't want them around
                or the many nights of
isolation when you went out...


                    We should
separate  & divide
                           the moments

                                        when sparks flew
                             day one at that BBQ
                       You  & I were best friends,

                           we'd even finished each others sentences,
                               sometimes a gesture a glimpse
                        or a look was all it took,
no words
             and we most times then not understood...

14 years I knew the good man
the best friend, You divided him,
                            
                           Vows said and brown eyes
              held mines for 11 years
                                              8 of them were so blissful,
                                 3 of them were unbearable
after you slept with my best-friend
                  
          because
                      you couldn't compete with me
                                                            ge­tting my education
                      why compete
                                      when you had already won,

                  never were you second
                                                    until you put you self there.
                

I can't believe it's come to this,

                                                 *but I should of expected,
                    since
           you've always had
                                         one foot out the door,
                                  like you
               didn't belong here.


Can you divide
                   the many times
                                           we'd have a fight
                                                   for the most silliest & unimportant things
like who ate the last piece of cake
                                                   or who dranked my apple juice
           the making up was so good.

                                                   How about
                   the times we traveled

            and because of me
you got to go to Canada
                     for father's day June 2008

or travel every where east...


            Let's tally up and separate
                            the times
                                    we've danced to no music

                         or made snow angles,

             the times we spent on
                         a mountain top
                                       cuddled by a camp fire,

                                                      the stories of us
                                isn't pose to be over

                                            but  how
                       can we now
         deduct all this, write it up on sheets of paper


            who gets which memories,
                                          who take with them this much
                                             good & bad history?


            The many love letter's
                                            hand written to each other

                                                long before you ever went to jail,
or the times when
               we'd lay in bed & just laugh
                                                     talking of nothing important,



                can they-- them lawyers calculate
                                            and divide the many miscarriages

                    caused by your stress,

                                or the many times your voice carried hate for me,

                        or the times we've  had *** in the lake,

            the first time on your face
                                       when you seen your first ocean,
                                               & the New York high-rises.


                                 The tear you cried on
                                                            th­e day we were married,
                                         or how about
                            they divide the way you told me
                                                        you no longer loved me
                           you never wanted me
                                     and our marriage has run it's course,

           like most have done and said to me-- you told me

            my best wasn't ever good enough,


how she'll always in your eyes

        be way better than me

but you, still after saying this **** didn't leave...



                        Let's not forget our very first kiss

                                    you sunk it and yet my head reeled.


                                        Can we divide the many nights
            you'd hold me

            for no reason at all
                  or when we first dated & you'd call,

                                            member we talked
                                                          ­on the phone until      
                                  the   break of dawn,    
    our very first fight--
yo *** came to my house
                                   & slept at my door

and promised ever to hurt me.



                Too late
O'too late for regrets when

                    those promises weren't all the way met,


                    because we can't divide

        the lonely nights
   the hitting me and cheating,

                 the hours staying up wondering

if you're alright,
the many times our  
          girls begged me
                      not to leave you.


                    To give daddy just  
one more change, please mommy

                or the many times they've
   felt it was because of them

                         things went from  
  great,
ok,
        to terribly bad,

            or the many
memories of you

                        and that beautiful smile and how

                                            you lit up their world

                     yet sadly teaching them how a man treats a girl,


how for now on anytime
they think their in love

                    it'll be your ****** up
                                   ****** off mistreatment

they'll be reminded of.



                                Remember when  you told our girls you'd

                                    always be there,

                    right here for them & even me,

the many times they'd wake up
from a nightmare
you'd
        sooth all
their worries & doubts,

or even the time's
I'd wake screaming?



                        You'd hold me
tightly & so close,


        but little did I know
the screams
that woke me
                       would be from  the
membrance of

            Us & the disappointment

            I now feel for ever falling
           for you!

Can You Divide?



Always Me K.Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®
Divorce is such a ugly then, staying  too though can be or become ugly. Best to remember and move on, if you can't move on least let him or her...Time  can heal but it'll feel like it's taken way too long and for some it just wont and you have to face it head on.
Mayra Castillo Jun 2015
Oh, God, please hear our pleas.

We are living in crucial, turmulous times.

Times filled with lust.

Times filled with greed.

Times, filled with vanity.

Times filled with depravity.

Times filled with poverty.

Times filled with corruption.

Times filled with division.

Times filled with hatered.

Times filled with crime.

Times filled with fatherless children.

Times filled with wars.

Times filled with the "Me" generation.

We can make a difference if we begin to pray.

Let us  pray for our elders.

Let us  pray for the weak,

Let us pray for the innocence of our children.

Let us pray for the sick.

Let us pray for the end to inequality.

Let us  pray for peace.

Let us pray for kindness.

Let us pray for comfort.

Let us pray for empathy.

Let us pray for generosity.

Let us pray for love.

Oh, God,  hear the pleas for all the humans of this world.

Comfort, those that suffer, those in pain, those that hunger.

Fill their souls with kindness.

Dry their tears.

May the sun shine brightly and engulf their spirits's with a special glow, that only you, oh, Lord can provide.

Let's make a difference.

Let's  make a plea for the humans of this world.

Remember, we are God' s children, intrinsically connected by threads of love,

So, let us make a plea for the humans of this world!

By

Mayra Castillo
Mayra Castillo Jun 2015
Oh, God, please hear our pleas.

We are living in crucial, turmulous times.

Times filled with lust.

Times filled with greed.

Times, filled with vanity.

Times filled with depravity.

Times filled with poverty.

Times filled with corruption.

Times filled with division.

Times filled with hatered.

Times filled with crime.

Times filled with fatherless children.

Times filled with wars.

Times filled with the "Me" generation.

We can make a difference if we begin to pray.

Let us  pray for our elders.

Let us  pray for the weak,

Let us pray for the innocence of our children.

Let us pray for the sick.

Let us pray for the end to inequality.

Let us  pray for peace.

Let's us pray for kindness.

Let us pray for comfort.

Let us pray for empathy.

Let us pray for generosity.

Let us pray for love.

Oh, God,  hear the pleas for all the humans of this world.

Comfort, those that suffer, those in pain, those that hunger.

Fill their souls with kindness,

Dry their tears.

May the sun shine brightly and engulf their spirits's with a special glow, that only you, oh, Lord can provide.

Let's make a difference, let's  make a plea for the humans of this world.

Remember, we are God' s children, intrinsically connected by threads of love,

So, let us make a plea for the humans of this world!

By

Mayra Castillo














We pray for
rac1 Sep 2016
At times i am crazy
and little do know
At times i am lazy
don't shovel the snow

At time I'm a genious
so clever and wise
At times the cleanest
Don't need a disguise

At times I'm too stupid
to know what to think
At times i make a bid
At times i shrink

At times I'm so capable
so able and strong
At times so stable
So calm through the storm

At times i can think
as the greatest of men
at times i shrink
at the mention of them

At times I'm so lonely
so sorry and mad
at times i am only
Alive-and I'm glad!
DC raw love Apr 2015
How many times a day do people  love
How many times a day do people  hate

How many times a day do people smile
How many times a day do people hurt

How many times a day do people laugh
How many times a day do people cry

How many times a day do people help
How many times a day do people rage

How many times a day do people smile
How many times a day do people hurt

How many times a day do people give
How many times a day do people take

How many times a day do people live
How many times a day do people die

**Love
         Hate
                   Smile
                             Hurt
                                      Laugh
                                                   Cry
                                                            Help
                                                                       Rage
                                                                                  Give
                                                                                            Take
                                                                                                      Live
                                                                                                                Die
These days it seems like everything is falling apart
The world is burning
Corruption by power tore up what was already here
But so many never feel the pain
Almost as if they are not in this dimension
I see the fires fading away
As if I grew wings ready to find a new way
Through the heavens I see, a face from long ago

A beam of sunlight that has always been there
But now she is a little bit brighter
I had always seen the light, even when my mind
Would be the only eye focused
Seeing that light is what drives me forward
Now that those who got me started are gone
All I want to do is have her by my side

It's times like these
That I finally realize that everything I had been through, was leading to this
Its times like these, that everything is coming together
Only a few more pieces are left to find
They say just imagine what you want to appear
The cosmos will take care of the rest
Its times like these, that I see that more needs to be done
I finally see that words need to be spoken
Just so they will understand what is desired
I am finally awake, I finally see
Its about time to fly
I am finally awake

I try to sneak over to let her know
That after all this time I finally understand
The signs she wanted to show me
I finally woke up
To know that she seen me the same way,
As I had seen her all along

I remember those days, when we were nothing more then a couple of kids
I remember that day when I came back from a long fight
She asked for forgiveness for treating me the way she did
I was never mad, but I knew how much she wanted to hear those words
She was the first person that has ever done that for me
I always she was different from the crowds
That moment proven it much more then right

It's times like these
That I finally realize that everything I had been through, was leading to this
Its times like these, that everything is coming together
Only a few more pieces are left to find
They say just imagine what you want to appear
The cosmos will take care of the rest
Its times like these, that I see that more needs to be done
I finally see that words need to be spoken
Just so they will understand what is desired
I am finally awake, I finally see
Its about time to fly
I am finally awake

No more searching for angels hidden in the ground
No more losing blood from the thorns of a rose
No more illusions hidden in the sunset
I want to finally see those true angels
I want to finally see that tiny piece of heaven that was waiting for me
I know when I'll be there
I know when I'll be there
Cause she'll be there waiting for me

I can't believe that it took me so long to realize that the light was never far
Just whispers away is all it ever took
Finally I have awoken to see this view
The souls from my past have finally settled
Now I can finally chase my dreams
Now I can finally love without the fear

It's times like these
That I finally realize that everything I had been through, was leading to this
Its times like these, that everything is coming together
Only a few more pieces are left to find
They say just imagine what you want to appear
The cosmos will take care of the rest
Its times like these, that I see that more needs to be done
I finally see that words need to be spoken
Just so they will understand what is desired
I am finally awake, I finally see
Its about time to fly
I am finally awake
ShowYouLove Apr 2018
When times are good I have someone to share my joy
When times are tough they carry me
When times are dark they give me hope and light
In the storms they give me comfort and peace
When times are dry they sustain me and give me strength
When I am lost they seek me out to find me again
When I come back they are waiting there to meet me
When times are callous and cold they are kind and warm
When times are too much they take me to a quiet place
When times are tired they give me peace and rest
When times I am sad they are present but give me space
In times of celebration they sing and dance with me
In times of need they have provided
Often times of their presence I am aware
Even when I can’t always see them there
When trouble surrounds me they will see me safely through
For strength from adversity they watched me as I grew
When the time has come at last
To look back on my colored past
I will see that in good and bad and through it all
They are the reason I still can stand tall
There was never a time when I was all alone
I was held by the one who calls me his own
There are people who drive tractors for a living
There are people who ride motorcycles fast
There are times when the two meet
There are times when those meetings are bad
There are times when it's ******* carnage
There are times when the bike rider dies
There are times when he's wrapped round the back wheel
There are times when the bike hits the tractor at 200mph
There are times when both fuel tanks explode
There are times when they miss one another
There are times when the bike drives slowly
There are times when speed limits are respected
There are times when no road laws are broken
There are times when zero accidents take place
There are times when people are sensible
There are times when we all live in fantasy
There are times when we hope this becomes true
from ******* Upside Down In a Blazing Avro Manchester Bomber – Poems from My Life and More

Nick Armbrister
How many times must I go down the same road here .
How many times must I struggle on the same wounds here.
How many times does it take before I give you this here pain.
How many times must I go through this before I lay it down.
How many times before I take responbity for my mistakes.
How many times must I hurt like this, how many times must I.
How many times must I go through this before I get it right.
How many times must I suffer here, till I can finally move on.
How many times, O Lord till I finally learn from these things.
How many times must I punish myself for my sins O Saving God.
Paul Hardwick Jan 2015
Mr times
will hate you
Mr times will tell you to be free
Good old Mr times
Mr times will be on your mind from here to now
and Mr times will tell you more
Mr times will tell you all you know
Mr times tells now look here
at your very own fat belly
Mr times will tell you what you was
the young man you had been
all this and above

MR times with all his love.

So thank you MR times
for what I am and what Might be
I sure will sleep well tonight

and thank you again Mr times.
True          ♥        P@ul.
I miss you at times like these
when I'm getting ready for bed
like you should be here when I lay down...
just falling asleep with me

I miss you at times like these
where your scent lingers on my jacket
on my clothes
in my mind

I miss you at times like these
when I hear your name
and find that it was in reference
to somebody else

I miss you at times like these
when even from a distance
you still manage to make me
laugh and smile

I miss you at times like these
when I wake up in the middle of the night
and you're not there
your arms not surrounding me
in comfort and warmth

I miss you at times like these
where I can still feel your chest
your steady breathing
as you rest beneath my head

I miss you at times like these
when my body aches for yours
with only memories to recall
the stolen moments

I miss you at times like these
when I think of you
and my heart can't help but
skip a beat

I miss you at times like these
when I'm alone
and I don't want to be.
I miss you.

— The End —