Resident Facebook by Keith Collard

{remnants of a blood and ice coffee stained diary}


23april1996,

Been working at this mansion for at least four months now. Fellow co-workers are friendly enough. The pharmeceutical researchers are very pompous with their exact demands. Im in charge of the food storage and refridgeration for the mansion. It is the only modernly powered facet of this mansion. Besides the labs in the basement(from which I only heard).


26april1996,

This mansion is too creepy, the architect designed the living quarter and main facade of the mansion in a 1920 neo gothic fashion--with gas lamps and gothic paintings. Every device, even the typewriters in the mansion are old fashioned mechanical. A top researcher told me in casual conversation that these doors and clocks are more durable than current electronic means, built in the same fashion as the pyramids and stonehenge--he was pointing out all the clocks and engraved doors in the dining hall as he was speaking,while I was putting out the food. He's the usual eccentric for as these researchers go, he told me the company president paid him to design classical mantraps along the mansion and guardhouse to keep workers from straying, encrypted with runes and riddles as keys(some odd ducks).


2may1996,

Mansion workers were given each a laptop today by the head researcher Albert Wesker. This guy is like the James Bond of scientists, dashing and suave with a 9mm berreta at his side(wish we were allowed guns). He wears sunglasses--even at night. He said they experimented with a comunications app the scientists have been using to communicate expeiremental data. The only app available on there is something called Facebook, which the scientists call "fbproto."


5may1996,

The f.bproto is neat, we can watch movies , talk to eachother, and to workers at the pharmaceutical's sister facilities. Everything is monitored by the companies security admins Ive heard. The company will be holding raffles via f.bproto for staffers who could win a chance to participate in "beneficial lab trials" from ***** extension treatment to magnetic wave reducing therapy. Sounds unappealing to me...I put my name down on the site just in case.


6 may1996,Been talking to girl who works in sanitation department underneath the guardhouse, her name is Ada, she said there was an important goverment official flying in to the helipad today. She is pretty cute, and one bright light in this shadowy mansion. message from company, we should join democratic party on fbproto. whatever they say,they're the scientists.


10may1996,

Been stayin up too late posting on f.bproto,the company is posting alot of links, of visual images and sentences I don't quite understand. Ben from mansion cleanin services keeps hitting on Ada,I want to defriend him but want to know what he's doing. I put my cat in fbproto company pic contest,with everyone else who was given lab pets by the scientists, I put little gloves on her paws--Im sure to win.


11may1996,

Karl sent me a message on fbproto that he saw a researcher go into his room, and never saw him leave, and when he went to clean his room the researcher was not in there. This mansion is creepy, I mean a statue of a woman cutting her own throat with the inscription "only death shall set you free,"is that a little gloomy or what. fan of smiley faces on fbproto.;)


12 may 1996

man, the doors are like eight inches thick, solid wood, I locked myself out of my room and tried to shoulder the door in. Well, the door with its inlaid wood carving just laughed at me, it resembles a dragon or snake or someshit with two fern looking wings, red and blue. Spooooky stuff. I had to go get the security admin for the mansion staff living quarters. He unlocked the door, and told me that all the doors are solid oak. I asked him what the words at the bottom of serpent meant, he said it says in latin “ the two wings of the beast are red and blue.” I asked him what the hell that means, he says he didn’t know, but that it has to do with the research the scientists are doing.

I stayed up almost all night on fbproto, at first because my shoulder was killing me, but then it went away, and I kept finding myslelf with a ciqerette in my fingers all the way burnt down and my skin charred, geez, fbproto really takes your mind off things, especially this mansion which reminds me of a sepulcre. That Dan thinks he’s hot stuff, posting himself in his living quarters in the guard house, which is better than the mansion staffs. He get’s to go to the guardhouse recreation room, his profile pic is a bottle of Johnny Walker Red in it’s high end package that looks like a coffin, that him and the guards won at dart’s. It’s not hard to win that when Albert Wesker is on your team, that guy sunk three darts WilliamTell style into the bull’s eye. He tagged me in the picture of the Johnny Walker, *******.


13 may 1996

Locked myself in the walk in freezer today by accident, forgot the code….a researcher let me out finally, and asked if I was alright, I said I was fine, he just looked at me curiously. I was in there to clean out these blue vines, that kept on growing into the ducts and stuff, kept on turning the temperature down. But I won’t lie, I had my laptop with me to pass time, but after a while I couldn’t scroll down because my fingers stopped working , so I pressed the keyboard with my tongue. Ada’s pictures kept me warm, oh how I love her…..I want her so bad.


13may1996

Had a dream about the helicopter ride in and how the dense forest resembled a corpse’s face as we flew past it fast overhead. We touched down on the helipad, and there were dead bodies in the razor wire, they were shaking as if they were in a laughing frenzy from the rotor wash of the helicopter. Then as I entered the main façade (my footstep's echos on the tile seemed to walk away and disapear into the mansion)and stepped on the black and white checkered hall floor, Albert Wesker was there, and he was nicely dressed as a bartender or sumthin, and he asked if " I wanted a ****** mary," and he was squeezing a heart into the glass, then I looked down and there was a hole in my chest where my heart was supposed to be. Then there was a giant ice coffee and dancing with a mirror to moonlight sonata….****** stuff, this mansion is getting to me.


14may1996

dan is such a ****, keeps posting pics of himself shirtless, he was given some experimental hormone from a researcher and is relleshing in it It was some form of energy drink called Red Bull.

Him and Ada are talking more. Message from company to like republican party page(whatever)Daves three eyed frog won fbproto pic contest,grrrr.


15may1996,

there's been more accidents in the mansion and in the labs below. Fred from the kitchen staff cut off his fingers today,and Ive heard through Chris' post that someone fell into the live feed area where they feed animals to their experiments. Bob put his fbproto password(instead of mansioncode) into the mechanical lock at the observatory springing a trap of spikes that spiked his hand to his head and his head to the wall, the featherduster was still in his hand(or face).;(


16may1996,

the scientist with the always grave look has disapeared, the guards said he transferred,but a fellow researcher said he was fired, shame, I liked him.

There is a plant living in my radiator, keeps growing vine-like tendrils, and is turning up the heat...230 friends on f.bproto,woot woot.


17may1996,

the company is handing out promotional ice coffee that they created in the labs to staffers via f.bproto,I wasn't picked, dang,its said to give you "10x human energy and vitality".I became a fan of Backstreet Boys on f.bproto.


18may1996,

karl found a memo from the missing researcher under his bed when he was cleaning out his room, sent me a message via f.bproto,it read that the researcher concluded that the f.b proto had negative effects on living tissue, decreased brain function,increased tendencies for violence,and not worth the sublimal control contract with the goverment, and that both pre-cambrian ferns pose to much liability for a biohazard and show signs of sentience.........hmm,im up to 300 friends now.


19 may 1996,

more accidents in mansion, Albert Wesker sent message to staffers that he was just promoted to Head of Security,and that if anybody is caught leaving the premises they will be shot. I wouldn't even dare to go out in the surrounding forest, I hear the wild dogs howlin all night amid those dense woods.just became a fan of Ace of base, they are awesome.


20may 1996,

my roomate looks like a hot messs, his skin looks pale with black blotches and he has pitch black circles underneath eyes, he's been taking the labs new painkillers, man he should change his profile pic. I poked Ada.


21 may 1996

message from f.bproto, "outside guards replaced by Hunters.".....man, def would not go out there now, I fed one of those ape reptile thingy's live feed the other day( Phil went missing, I had to do his job, always doing other peoples work), and the feed for that day was a cow, and this thing just poked the cow to death with its razor claws.

Everyone of those brute raptor things have a skeleton key has their middle razor claw, a researcher said they can hear every door open and shut in the mansion, " If you see one, turn around and go out the door you came, if you enter a door your not supposed to, well....." he didn't finish what he was saying, only walked off muttering "what have I done....".....I friend requested him on fbproto, his last post was "god forgive me." His profile pic was his mansion room, with replicas of insects and a fishtank(that is rumoured to be a model of a giant one in the basement). He disapeared soon after and his fbproto was deactivated.

Joined Labville on fbproto.;)


22may1996,

message from company, the labs are combining expieramental ice coffee,painkillers,and steroids,anyone on f.bproto can partake, and we should document how we feel and what we do on fbproto multiple times a day. Took a pic of myself shirtless, can see spine coming thru skin, and I keep catching the red plant from the radiator posing in the background, or giving me bunny ears......grrrrrrrr.;(


23may1996

went to smoke a spleef on the stone balcony, near the greeen house over looking the forest the other night, they grow all kinds of red and blue marjiauna there.....but there was one of those reptile hunter things, standing guard there, blocking the path, it screamed and almost blew my eardrums out, " okey dokie" I said, and slowly backed away and left......friggin nazis these pharmaceutical people are.

I got rid of the Labville app on fbproto, that game is too hard, I keep running out of butlers to feed my experiments, and my humans keep escaping into the woods. But mostly, Im sick of seeing

Albert Wesker's name with the highest score everytime I play......



25may1996,

Ben said he saw a handfull of scientists and guards on the helipad taking a chopper out. There is more plants decorating the halls, no one knows who put them there, some rooms are blazing hot, others are ice cold. Ben said to not go to the library, everyone who went upstairs to that room has not returned, that the blue ones have took over the cobblestone path to the courtyard where the armory is. Said he saw Kevin in the tangles running up the stone wall on the side, he had a vine going in his mouth and coming out his eye; and he said that the researchers call the red ones "evaginates," for how they trap and slowly eat you(sounds ******). Im not on Ada's top friends list anymore, angry.


26may1996,

the mansion is awash in accidents and fighting, roomate looks like zombie, others look like reptilian muscled gorillaz, others just a blur they move so fast.eyes hurt from staring at f.b proto. Moaning alot. everyone is playing "I Saw the sign" from Ace of Base. Vines keep stealing my hat, and eating people.


25...,

no food, ate cat,mittens and both hearts,gas lights out, dark,everyone walking around with laptops to see,blue fbproto reflections on walls.fml.


2aprol

took chris' ice cofee and killed ben before he took steroids,lol,ate steroids,no one cooking food, getting hungry,guards came,ate em.....bullet hole in my chest......chaaange f.bproto profile pic to facee....my quote is mooohaha... just. saying


23...,

feel strong, fast,gruntin alot, hungry, no food, ate carl, ate red plant, carved him with my skeleton clah....I hate mondays was post on f.bproto,yum ice cofee.


43

oooohhhh, lol,lol, top ada friend list, ,ate benny...b.esisde armpits....he stink.....roarrrrr......oohhh....bullel wond in cheeek....see benny in thar......moving quick......hunman bones everyware....stain carpits....helicupter....mur guards......no.....pulice.....wesker is wit em....ace of base now.....bed of blud..I wit...fur em.....fbproto sez **** starssss ......


2..........rooooooahhhhh,yum, ohhhhhhh,lol,raohh.fml............[rest of transcript unintelligible]

Sit Still

Tap...
Tap...
Rhythm

thought comes ¡ thought goes
Enter》
《Exit
~ Thar She Blows ~

Oh!
Sister Beating Heart
to Brother Brain
which to follow to keep me Sane??

Chutes and Ladders to CandyLand
Stick my neck into the sand!
Hungry Hippos
Oh so hungry
Sorry! for th' Monopoly
Guess Who? Philosophy
The Game of Life like Battleships
Palms will twist into tight fists
Twister contortion
Muscle Rips
and all we say is,
"God, we pray"

So I just...

Sit Still

Tap...
Tap...
Rhythm

thought comes ¡ thought goes
Enter》
《Exit
~ Thar She Blows ~

Sitting outside an old country store somewhere between the real world and what used to be sat an old wrinkled man in a swing, straw hat on his head, tobacco chew in his lower lip with a tin coffee cup for the waste. He had his legs crossed sort of funny; I could tell that the age of his body made him feel uncomfortable. I could almost feel his back as it ached. As I got out of my car an old hound dog moved slowly to the old man’s side. Above the old man was on old tin Coca Cola sign mostly rusted away by time. I stopped for a moment and looked at the old store front. It must have been a vintage from somewhere around the turn of the twentieth century. As I passed by the old man on the bench, I nodded my head and the old man reached up for his old ***** straw hat and tipped the front of it slightly. He having greeted me in his way as I had greeted him with mine. I pushed on the old wooden screen door to hear its spring stretch and the hinges creak and after I entered I failed to catch the screen door and I shuttered as it slammed shut. Above me was an old silent ceiling fan whispering out a slow gyrating motion as it passed down the air around me. A peaceful majestic feeling came over me. Looking around the store I saw no glass fronted coolers, thirst was why I had stopped. “Do you have any soda’s?” I asked the lady behind the counter.
“Sho do,” she replied , “They’s over thare.” I looked to where she was pointing, it was like a big long flat freezer, painted red with several silver stainless doors on top of it and Coca-Cola embossed on it’s front. Arriving at the freezer I opened the lid and looked inside. “Jest’ put yer money in the box,” the feminine hillbilly voice continued.
On the front of the box and on each side of the box it had a hand written note which read, “Please Put .06 Cents Here.” ‘Six cents,” I thought – surely I must have gone back in time.” I asked, “How much are the sodas?”
To which she replied, “They be just six cents.” I fumbled in my pocket and pulled out my change, located six pennies and put them through the slot in the box. Then I looked back into the cooler to find that the only choice was Coca Cola inside. I took one and opened it up and took a big swig.
Walking back to the counter I asked the lady, “ How in the world can you afford to sell a soda for just six cents?”
She answered me with, “Well, did ya see Uncle Hap on the front porch?”
“The old man with the straw hat?” I asked.
“Yep, dat be Uncle Hap, go ask him how he can afford to sell a Coke for jest six cents.”
Interested, I walked back under the old ceiling fan and through the squeaking door. The old man had his hat pulled low on his eyes. “Sir,” I began, “I have a question to ask you.”
“Yes sir, sonny, and jest what be yer question?” he answered tilting his hat back high on his head.
“Well sir, just how do plan to make a living selling a coke for just six cents?”
The old man smiled and said, “That’s an easy one son, I ain’t a plannin to make any money offen them thar cokes.” I know I must have had a puzzled look on me but before I could inquire more he continued, “Has yer ever mined for gold?”
“No, I’m afraid not, sir,” I replied wondering what that had to do with the price of a coke.
The old man continued, “Well yer see Sonny, when yo be a minin, yer works real hard sometimes. You see, yer digs and digs and digs some more day after day – sometimes not seeing anything but more dirt but once in a while you be a finding jest a little bit a ore. Then ya comes back da next day and yer dig some more.” More confused than ever I sat down beside the old man in the swing taking another drink of my six cent Coke. He continues, “Trouble is yer see, you get hooked on that little taste a ore. It jest keeps ye a comin back fer more.”
Finally I had to ask, “But what does all this have to do with the price of coke?”
'Hold on sonny. I’m a gettin to that part but yer see yer got to hear da whole story.” I sat back in the swing deciding that maybe I’d just let the old man do his thing. “Now yer see, it was about 1920 I reckon when ever dis here young fellow come by dis here store a sellin this new fangled thing he called stock. Now he wanted me to buy some stock in dis here company he was a promotin. I was a minin at da time a-course and I’d just hit it a little lucky that week and I had some xtree money in me pocket. So fer five hunerd dollars, a whole lots a cash back den, I buyed a 1000 shares of that thar boys stock.” The old man then looked me in the eyes with a big smile on his face. “Yer see sonny, I works hard all my life a digging holes in the ground most times not seeing nuttin atall but I jest keeped on a diggin. I must say I always did believe that even if’n I fount no gold at all at least at the end of every day I could sit back and see whar I’d been. But yer jest never knows whar that real gold is. Sometimes yer find it in the strangest of places. Well sonny, I’z figures that 100 shares of stock musta split no less than 25 times since 1920. So yer see, I be one them whatcha might call million dollar aires. So don’t you fret that head o urin over’n what I charge fer that thare coke cola yer a drinkin. Matter of fact, if’n yer wants to, why don’t you go right back inside and buy yerself a whole **** case. Yer see, thar’s gold in them thare bottles. Yep, gold I tell ya. That 100 shares of Coca Cola stock sho was a golden God send. And wid me bein da onliest one a chargin just six cents a pop, well you can be one – o – da lucky ones to find soma dat gold. Who knows, the whole **** vein might be a sittin right side ya right now. You jest never knows. Just keep on a digging, Sonny. At least you can see whar ya been.”
The old man smiled as he turned to wave at a car as it passed by.
Me, I guess I’ll just keep on digging. But you know what? The old man was right. The gold is all around us. So if you ever find this place where soda’s are just six cents, well maybe it isn’t gold but believe me, the gold is all around you too.

Jest keep on a digging. At least yer can see whar ya been.

so now, do I, I do,

he favors the the top of my breast ,
where the spaghetti strap leads
his eye lower, to the fulsome swelling,
curves he favors in a linear
world

these magnets of human flesh are
attributes of me, unsolicited, part
of my “collegial endowment” and
yet,
no denial,
this egg of my accent,
a fullness employable, knows well,
full employment

ah, mon oeuf d'accent,
the accent of my accidental,

for lives are just linear lines
warped occasionally, nicely.
swelling in wonderful frailty,
the curvature of the human
eyes, that draw curves of
human spirit,

thar are drawn by sprites
with wickedly humorous
insight

she is miles distant
as you wait in a creeping rain
its soft and constant
soaked the waterproof hood
and slowly works its way
onto you
a drop at a time
like an army sneaking in
they know they can conquer
they know its a matter of time before you too
succumb and are soaked too
its patient
just to mess with you it
suddenly cracks thunder overhead
into the mezmerizing quiet
and makes you jump startled
rain must get a real kick out of
making you jump like that
I know it gets its jollys making ya wet
and it'll stop raining after you get picked up
two seconds after you hop in the car
it'll quit
complain about rain
old as them thar hills
nonsense

Kuch baatein yuhi kahi to nahi jaati,

kai baatein aankhe bhi bayaa nahi kar paati

Kisi rail ki thar-tharahat mein shayad hai woh baat

Ya hai kisi pool ke sannatein mein...

Yeh jo kaath le taalein hain, apne lafzon par kyun daale hain

Ek ajeeb si narazgi sabhi ne paale hain!

Kabhi khil-khilati thi mere honthon ki hasi,

Aaj aalam hai ki murjhaye phool bhi humse sayaane hain...

Dil ki baatein dil ko hi satati hai,

Aa jayen agar lafzon tak toh apno ko rulati hain...

Zindagi badi ruhaani hai, harr mod ek nayi kahani hai,

Kuch baatein yunhi sunani hain

Kai baatein aankhon se samjhani hai...