It’s thought provoking
and emotion evoking
I feel like I’m choking, {Heimlich}
Truer words have never been spoken
by a dancing mime with only one leg.

Minds have reeled
Fates have been sealed
Unknowns become real
It’s a negotiated deal  made by some lawyer with a soul.

Tragic, Comedy- Tragicomedy
Shipping-handling. As seen on TV.
What’s the cost of free ?
Nothing comes really, with a money back guarantee.

Wash, rinse,  repeat.
Operators standing by- keep your seat.
Stay out of the kitchen if you can’t stand the heat.
And know your victory isn’t over defeat.

Miller time- the best time of year
But I’ll never need another beer,
My life’s so complete when using Tampax.
The latest miracle cure is as safe as anthrax.

Who has time these days for voting, when I feel the blight of bloating ?
There are no important politics or elections.
When I have four plus hour erections
but I bet my doctor won’t be the one I decide to consult.

>>>>>
Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at www.emotionalorphan.net.

Yea, no telling what I might do, when I'm in the right mood. You know me, I'm all up in the party like a V.I.P. and everything's looking better from my P.O.V.
    Nocturnal animals, we don't sleep and I'll probably forget you.
      I'm sweating like the Amazon, a hundred degrees and that back side's bigger than a family tree.
    So, drop that thing like a fumble. Now you're talking to the king of the jungle.
   We got lions, tigers, bears. Oh my! Every single one's turned up. I don't want anybody bringing the vibes down.
   So, if you want to wind down. Look what I found! A little something that will keep you awake until the break of dawn
Don't be afraid to get rowdy. I'm not done yet, pass me the bottle. It's two AM, let'***** the throttle
Drink in my cup, hands going up. Let'***** the dance floor and get wild, like wild life.
Yea, everybody's going crazy on the dance floor. Jam packed.  Got a couple bands back from the bank on my last trip like I ransacked. Everybody hanging like a string from a Tampax.
   My ******* back from the Amtrak.You ain't ever heard a flow quite like this. Everywhere I turn seeing iced out wrists
He might be German, she might be Swiss. *******!
I'm  I'm feeling pretty hectic, with it all around, good thing I'm not epileptic. I'm kinda confused like I'm measuring in metric. Talking ****, you better take it back, interception.
Set the forests a blaze and get the wild life jumping like an animal rave.
    I know your parents say they miss the good old days, but things change.
   Hey you, come here boy, party with me. You know it's gonna be a wild night. Move that body to the melody.
     I could show you how to live the wild life. You ain't gotta spend a dime, it's free.
    You know it's gonna be a wild night. Door's open, you don't need a key. I could show you how to live the wild life.
    I'm not done yet, pass me the bottle. It's two AM, let'***** the throttle. Drink in my cup, hands going up. Let'***** the dance floor and get wild, like wild life.


  Wild, like wild life.

All the classic adverts a lot of them are missed
Adverts that are made today the producers must be ******
They're nothing like the classic ads I'm afraid I must resist
There isn't any flare or finesse so please would you desist
The same adverts are always shown there's no surprise or twist
Adverts are not liked these days I hope you get the gist
Your all just sitting there with you ***** clutched in your fist
Messing up your nice pressed suits with a swift one of the wrist
New adverts bore you to tears but it's all that you enlist
Cos your making more backhanders it's why you still persist
Stop relying on the sponsors we know there **** is kissed
And take particular notice of the old ones on this list

A skeleton with video tapes told us how its gonna be
Re-record not fade away with Scotch's lifetime guarantee
Whiskers was the food of choice according to the stats
It was preferred by at least eight out of ten cats
Noodle Doodle twisted spaghetti into motor cars and houses
He twisted it into butterflies and eek noodle doodle mouse's
A hippo made a fruity drink way down in the Congo
He danced a dainty tango and a rhino called it Um Bongo
There was only one Tea that could make you go OO!
Sue Pollard and Frankie Howard found out with Typhoo
But those little Tetley Tea Folk know without a doubt
That 2000 perforations would let the flavour flood out
You knew what to do to put the freshness back
Every time you vacuumed and did the Shake and Vac
Don't wake up and go to town use the one all over smell
Insignia's shampoo and deodorant, aftershave and shower gel
Jeremy had a roaring toothache again he liked to many treats
he could have had a crocodile smile without eating sweets
She was the Right One she would skate to get it there
Nicollete Sheridan delivered Martini anytime anyplace anywhere
A second class ticket to Dottingham a misunderstanding caper
Tunes could make you breath more easily with its Menthol vapour
Milk in every half pound one chunk lead to another
With a glass and a half for every Dairy Milk lover
Muhammad Ali and Benny Hill knew their coming fate
They watched out with a Humphrey about, drinking Unigate

If your into protection with your Mate's or a Durex
You'd get that rubber feeling during penetrative ***
Unless your like Fred Brewster and Geronimo was there
A friend that was washable and like an inner tube to wear

A chocolate bar sang about everybody's case of the Fruit and Nut
David Rappaport could tell it was Tizer when his eyes where shut
Kia Ora's to orangey for crows, it was just for him and his dog
Spuds wanted to be Smiths Crisps and not an average Joe Blog
Bars Iron Brew from Girders the Scottish people like
A second thought at junctions think once think twice think bike
You Crossed your heart for a better figure with a Playtex Bra
The Renualt Clio had a certain flair for Nicole and Papa
Flowers delivered from Interflora making your day bright
It was a taste to make you shine ohhh ohhh Vitalite
Sainsbury's world war one solders shared and called a truce
Maynard's Wine Gums set the juice loose aboot the hoose
Why would you have cotton when Galaxy was silk?
It was cool for cats when you woke up to Milk
The man from Del Monte loved fresh fruit so he said Yes
Frosty's where Grrreat, Tony Tiger expected nothing less
But Esso was the only petrol with a tiger in the tank
A galloping black horse was the icon for Lloyds bank

Its your life with Tampax you jumped around and skated
Jack Dee had John Smiths, was his Widget overrated ?
Flowers where given on Impulse hoping the ladies dated
Mr Soft loved Trebor mints a strange world was created
Flake was the Crumbliest chocolate was that understated?
Marmite was the kind of spread you loved or even hated
Michelin Man was made of tyres he was rubber weighted
A family always had there diner, with Oxo it was plated

Castlemain Four X wouldn't give anything else, Australians would preach
Unless you where Paul Hogan and Fosters Amber Nectar he would teach
But Heineken would refresh the parts other beers could not reach
Strongbow was strong straight and true made from apple and not peach
Broad at the shoulders slim at the hips Big Bad Dom Domestos Bleach
The Jolly Green Giant loved Sweet corn with his ** ** ** speech

Please broadcast something good, instead of all your trash
There is No Cornetto's from Italy! none shown from this stash
Like Cadburys and Nestle or the robot men from Smash
You had a break with Kit Kat and convenient packet mash
No Dr Whites ***** Pads I don't mean to sound so brash
Where is Castrol GTX or Buzby there's not even a rehash
All Gambling and Insurance Ads tying to get our cash
No concern about the national debt or any loan backlash

Rolf Harris teaching kids to swim in the water they did love it
I bet if they where around today they'd tell old Rolf to shove it
I felt sorry for that poor Churchill dog I admired his endurance
To put up with Rolfs wobble board that isn't much insurance

Jimmy Saville talked of safety he clunked clicked every trip
But Jimmy's mind was somewhere else thinking who he'd like to strip
And British Rail where unaware when he was trying not to slip
With Jims intent with his Railcard to get you in his grip

You may think its controversial, you may think its the wrong call?
I Guarantee the companies thought they where on the ball
I bet these ads are a blot and drive them up the wall
If they'd have known about these guys they wouldn't feel so small
These companies would not have hired Jim or Rolf at all
It doesn't matter if they're the ones who are not standing tall

Why cant new adverts be like the old ones that we had?
What's happened to production why are they so bad?
They are all so boring and there really rather sad
None of them are out there that make you feel so glad
Why do you insist on showing ones that drive us mad
Your viewers are so ******* board more than just a tad
everyone is getting annoyed even our mum and dad
stop showing the new adverts stop ruining our pad

We don't want life insurance or sponsors for every show
We don't want Go Compare adverts, the Gtech can surely go
There are no Classic overtones they've lost that certain glow
Its boring seeing the same adverts shown in the same row
Phone commercials are not wanted it may be quite a blow
Loans and expensive Sky packages the people should say no
Please would you take some advice stop keeping these in tow
And bring back all the classic ads and stop going with the flow

Being a Tampax might be fun stuffed up a **** all day
It may not be that creamy but a bit of reds okay
If you're on your monthly you haven't got much say
At least you wouldn't have someone's ***** getting in the way

White and fluffy I would be soft upon my *******
I would start expanding when you begin your *******
Forcing me to press on your sides much to your frustration.
Because you would be on the blob causing my inflation.

You would probably be upset with that ****** infestation
It may not be much fun for you, the lack of stimulation
If your *****'s full of jam there could be a consolation
Strawberry juice is soaking up not much chance of impregnation

Maybe you could see things from the tampons point of view
It's the only time they get chance to have a **** good *****.
They can't wait to fly of the shelves and go inside of you.
Hurry up that time of month you know what you must do.

But there's definitely a downside to being a jam rag
Even though you'd be up a **** longer than a ****
Like the red and white menstrual show, or a red tipped ***
You'd get too wet and taken out, a used up ***** gag
Mid period you'd get replaced that is the biggest snag
You would smell and get thrown away in a sanitary bag

Cry like a girl
Cook like a girl
Dance like a girl
Smile like a girl

That night when I dropped
Acid on my tongue
I transformed into
The softest rose

Line your eyes
When no one's looking
Paint your lips
When no one's looking

When I was four
I picked up a tampax
Confused about why
There was no where for it to go