in this small seculuded spot
where our actions speak louder then our thoughts
but our mouths spoke the words of mimes on the 9-5
broke the silence by asking the time while waiting on the divine moment
...where your hand was right next to mine
a movement so suttle seemed like moving mountains
or sneaking threw land mines
so i reached across the dark blue seat
to form a forgien handshake the place  our palms would first meet

I see You there, across the room
as you stare blankly at the screen.

What I wouldn't give for you to just glance my way
There's not many

I can smell your perfume from here,
suttle yet enveloping my every sense

How could you not realize I'm right here
ready to take my life just for 1 single dimpled smile of happiness
Just for me

If i had you in my arms but once
you'd realize the depth of my feelings is deeper then the darkest ocean,
higher then the brightest star

So I'm ready for you, ready for when you realize im here,
to realize your other half is but a few meters away

Ready for the moment I've been dreaming of
for what seems like an eternity

I'm ready for you... But I guess your not.

I've experienced lost, heartbreaks, and pain.
Some of what I can't explain.
I lost a friend or two, those suttle hearts that just wouldn't glue. Painful things I did to myself, that other people just couldn't help.
My conscience has come and gone. My life has just become one big song. The ones about teens who are in trouble, or the love that's lost in doubles.
If I can turn back time I wish I could cause i'd stop me from being born I would.
Cause this world is way to cold, to live with no one to hold.
This world's not much to live, if everyone's here but there's no one to give.

Everybody watchs every instant
I try to stay jubilant
I try to stay suttle
Everybodies watching me
Im all over tv
I walk into the store
I cant go anywhere anymore
No more
I ran across the train tracks
I dont wanna be forgotten
But not like this
I dont like this attention
Want a new face
They say i show enough
What kind of saying is this
What kind of game is this
That tv show has me on it
Im on everything
Im on everything
I think i see something
I think i see something
Through my windows
I cant go anywhere
Everybody watchs every instant
I try to stay jubilant
I try to stay suttle
Everybodies watching me
Im all over tv
I walk into the store
I cant go anywhere anymore

VII

How soon hath Time the suttle theef of youth,
Stoln on his wing my three and twentith yeer!
My hasting dayes flie on with full career,
But my late spring no bud or blossom shew’th,
Perhaps my semblance might deceive the truth,
That I to manhood am arriv’d so near,
And inward ripenes doth much less appear,
That som more timely-happy spirits indu’th.
Yet be it less or more, or soon or slow.
It shall be still in strictest measure eev’n,
To that same lot, however mean, or high,
Toward which Time leads me, and the will of Heav’n;
All is, if I have grace to use it so,
As ever in my great task Masters eye.

Fireworks and vivid chaos,
blinding lights in the pitch black sky.
The sudden gregariousness,
cross-dissolving into one's sigh.

Back home in a blanket,
hot chocolate in hand.
A wandering mind, hardly cognizant,
unleashing one's disguise.

With the shutter open
to evacuate life's scenes,
revealing only those broken
in one mind's eye.

Fading rapidly from awareness,
once immersive, now an indistinct sight.
The suttle gregariousness,
has all but gone dry.

INTRO

What happens beyond the realms of  reasoning, where do the lines of  reality blur, How close are the boundaries between light and dark, between dusk and dawn.
  What takes us beyond the thresh hold, the point of  sunlight and shadows, Are  we lying in wait as our limitations are questioned? How many souls have been taken unwillingly to the depths .
         Fall into a place, this chaos which so quickly crept into me, slipping away bringing me back to thoughts of sanity.
  But tainted thoughts stain what innocence is left, making me vulnarble and weak.
  Corruption is tempting you to just give into its wicked ways, influenced by bad habits unable to be dealt with, your surccumed to the sins.
  Such problems now swallow you entirely. There is no cure to this disease, I'm fighting and pondering a hopeless battle, I see no victory for me in the end.
  I will never win, I fear and know this now.

CHAPTER ONE

After the silence entered me,got inside rmy head  ,the lack of sound drowned out all the outside noise . Oh so quiet my world became,except for a suttle  humming,buzzing which echoed in my ears, I could only make it cease with the voices in my mind,my thoughts which I could now hear, and I heard them loud and clear. I heard fear, panic,uncertainty, so many questions I had no answers for.  I told myself its just this happens,maybe its just age,it won't last, this silence won't last,right. Yet another voice told me that something has gone terribly wrong here,and that this is only the begging of my end.  Along came the silence with it then came isolation, one by one everyone I loved let me and has not yet came back. Not even strangers met my path, instead I came across loneliness who now won't leave my side, all alone left to deal with me by myself.

CHAPTER TWO


It didn't take much time until the whispers began at first they only came with dusk,the end of day,when the sun sets taking the light from the world. The sky dims ,lower and lower until all is covered with a blanket of darkness. Shadows creep in slowly cascading across my walls, they remind me that something wicked this way comes,the essence of dread is in the air. An unsettling aura keeps me from sleep, as night falls my eyes grow heavy and my mind is so tattered. Yet slumber eludes me for the fear is much stronger. I lye  awake yet another night. Up until yesterday only an unwelcoming silence suffocated me made my emptiness almost unbearable. Then,well then it was broken, in the 2am hour, a whisper entered my dreamless conscience mind,from no distinct place and yet from every direction both at once

CHAPTER THREE

With such length of time now with deaf ears, I instantly noticed the change of frequencies, though it spoke in a low,low pitch normally it would go unheard or simply mistaken as a gust of wind. But lying there uneasy amounst the darkness of solitude,lacking of sleep and being not of sound mind by this point, I had begun to speak my thoughts aloud, answering my own questions, listening to my own voice somehow gave me comfort when nothing else could. Whispers,quiet whispers echo into the night, for my ears only. I can't clearly understand what they tell me, but the tones of each word gave
off a unsettling undertones that sent chills through me, if only I could understand, but  my  translation of these whispers are inaudible, pinned down by a fear that I'm sinking in slowly,like quicksand,its slowing pulling me under. A catatonic scream paralyzes every part of me, and I can't stop this, this downward spiral into madness. A descent into insanity, I feel myself growing weaker as my mind struggles against  chaos and the discontent , my dreams are dying before my eyes that will not close so I might rest, no no lately the days have brought me only misery,and a question of my faith, it will not give me a moment of ease cause every night has been just the same

CHAPTER FOUR

Why is this happening to me, why won't this just stop, and let me be, this hope fades the longer I live this way, won't somebody come save me, I'm wasting away and I have no control , my will is broken now. How did I not see this coming, something wicked this way comes, it comes for my soul, every peice of me turns black, and it hurts until I'm numb, A sudden suffer rips over me just before dawn, I  understood the  whisperes after all ,go adead just give in, suffocation is near, taken into a sea of self despair, this life you live and breath isn't yours any longer, step by step you will stumble, until you fall, until your empty and hollow.  Where can I go, where will I run, when there's nowhere to hide, nowhere at all. I thought i saw a glimpse of the mourning sun before I fainted from the weight of realizing that I am far from the better days ,tomorrow will lead me further, is this real, or I'm I only dreaming, is this reality or have I imagined all of this, I just don't know these days, time laughs in my face, and I sit silent and still. Watching myself fall,and fall and fall

CHAPTER FIVE

  Down in the dark, an endless night, keeps away the sunshine, cause lately I've been stuck in the shade, wishing for brighter days that are so faintly seen in the distance, I fear none of my wishes will be granted, now many of will be destroyed. I can not change this spiral into extinction, helplessly I watch myself stumbling, crumbling, and slowly coming apart.
  As I live and breath, I see my life wasting away.
Choking on what is yet to come, everyday brings me another dose of misery and a lothing ache that spreads thru me , suffocation is draining me from the inside out, What is pain, I can't scream loud enough to express what has taken ahold of me these days
  All this crept in on me like a cloud, why me I keep asking myself, won't this just go away, won't this just let me be, did I deserve this, well did i , nobody should ever know these wicked ways and all the inflict upon your soul.

CHAPTER 6

Y So with my mind a mess so much so that my consintration strains each thought, I can barely function anymore, and sleep depervation blurs my vision,ive been seeing traces and objects that aren't really there. Plus add the pain, loneliness, and total breakdown of my will, the stress is more then I can handle, I bear a heavy burden, and the weight is crushing me, but what can I do, nothing, I can't run far enough,or hide where I can't be found, please save my soul I whisper aloud, to late the damage is done, this is how I will die, surcombed to a bittersweet end, one day at a time. Now adrift into the void that swallows me up ,and a darkness dissolved another
day

CHAPTER 7

Within a few days I have managed to lose everything, All I am, all I gave and all I  made of this life, Step by step I watched it taken from my grasp, I saw what I worked so hard for be stolen, so easily from me. Peice by price my very exsistance was shattering , All this has torn my world whole apart,  it is being taken out from right underneath my feet.
   Ya I've been experiencing some real trials and tribulations ,they say life isn't easy  but they don't go into depths of how ****** up it can be, or how far down you can fall without any warnings or signs that you didn't realize until it was to late and the damage has been done.  Oh no I've heard some really messed up stories about some of the **** some people have lived thru. But in my personal opinion my life started 2 days ago and it this life of mine since then has been slowly deterating,

CHAPTER 8

ya I'm a sad sort who isn't alive in a sense but instead a slipping mindless  lost soul, that has nothing to look forward to because tomorrow isn't going to be any better and it never will.
    When the sun rises up from the darkness  bringing you Into another morning your wishing harder and harder wouldn't come. That just one night would be your last and you wouldn't take another breath of the morning air. Why oh why can't you just fade out with the darkness,  why oh why can't these misfourtonate events of lately end, I just want everything to just end. And if you Were in my shoes I know for certain you would feel the same way as I do now.


CHAPTER 9

Y … Well I can not express these emotions that have, but they are intensely surging inside me. And I only wish I could share my pain, if only there was someone besides myself to share what I'm going through. It would make it a little easier, well probably not but at least someone else would understand,to feel what I do right now.
So it may seem like I'm droning on and on, Im probably not telling my story so anyone can make sense of it.
  So sorry if I haven't made sense or if I've told this scattered all about.  My thoughts aren't as sharp or clear as they were before this nightmare started, a few short no make that long,long days ago.

Chapter 10

YThis verse keeps repeating in the back of my mind, kinda like a
  song you  hear somewhere but your not sure where, and can't get outta your head ,you find yourself humming it subconsciously ,and this is whats stuck in mine.
  Here I am, Here in this place, Here in this state,Here I am a nowhere Wonderer.
  This is me, This is all of me, This is what I've become, This is who you see now, LA LA LA LA
  I hum this melancholy tune as sappy as it may be,all day long from morning to evening, 24 hours,no 48 hrs. , no 64 hrs. now. I guess I've lost count but it seems that there's been a broken record placed someplace inside my head.

chapter 11

YSo this brings me back to the present hour.  And once again, yet one more day which hasnt let up on any of torment continuing to be inflicted upon my mind, body and soul. I struggled through the sunlight until the moonlight shone down upon me.
  Naturally I find myself lying silent and still, insomnia plagues my weairy self , drained of any motivation. I really couldn't move or accomplish a single thing, I felt frozen inside myself, trapped in a almost vegetable state.
      Dropped in the velvet shroud of darkness, night has placed a veil over the land, and it has me in its embrass but instead of a calming drowsiness as  all others are effected, I instead have an allergic reaction.  For sleep will not come to my tired restless soul, not when fear enters the mind and stirs up the worst of thoughts, how can I relax with such horrible not stations.
      

Chapter 12

T  Here I am starring into the air as the clock marks 3 in the am hour.  I almost thought I might or that I could catch a few zzzzz's, a quick cat nap to recooperate,to regenerate my mind,oh yes my mind in such a desperate need of rest. As well as my body, my sore,aching bones, im throbing all the way to my very core. So when I felt at ease for how ever brief a moment it may last I willed sleep to come, sandman bring me to the land of nod, please oh please.
  But of course as I shouldn't of expected much less, I blinked and my moment was gone, once more I wouldn't dream,wouldn't sleep, wouldn't find slumber or any escape from my new found reality,
In a land far far away, fantasy and make beleive are put on pause cause my presence has been marked absent

Chapter 13

   They started in a low low  tone, the whispers.
Whisper,whisper,whisper, ascending louder with each tick tock of the clocks hands, clockwise,round and round the clocks face marking time, reminding me my life grows shorter with each tick and each tock.
  Ya t-i-m-e isn't on my side, oh no its not, but it makes me feel lm gonna die, and I'll keep running back, yes I'll keep running back.  Ya I can't stop even if I tried. N-o-o-o time isn't on my side, and that's a brutal fact.
Hhiisss, hiss, blahblahblah,yaddayaddayadda, mumbles of the incoherent voices, the voices I guess if that's what you want to call them, these whispers calling out to me, relentlessly tearing me down , thru all the twilight hours
of the night.
   With the morning dawn,  the whispers grow quite once more, disapating with the dark skies.
  Im conflicted by the sight of the sun rising, not sure if I welcome the light of day or curse another day I find myself in it.
  For one daybreak ends the whispers which I'm sssooo thankful for, but yet its another day I have to deal with the misery and pain that seems to intensify with every day that comes and gos and comes back for another round.
  
  

chapter 14


  I got a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror today and I almost didn't recognize the stranger staring back at me me face had changed, my cheeks where sunken in, I didn't notice how much weight I had lost, but I guess I hadn't eaten a thing for days I just had no appetite the thought of food made me nausious, so I went without.
  And my eyes they looked so vacant my pupils where so dialated like eyes gone black, to match the deep darkened circles under them.
Just a glance and you could tell ive been neglecting my health, I looked pretty banged up, a real mess. I didn't dare look to long cause my appearance made me sick to my stomach, in only  3 days going on 4 I seemed to have aged 10 years, and the deeping lines on my face showed it.
Oh what a sorry sight I am, and I'm glad no one will see me this way, even if someone did I had a feeling they wouldn't even care. I let out a depressing sigh I am damaged goods now, this black cloud that hangs over me has made sure to push and shove everything I had, all that I loved. Took my life right out of my hands and crushed it, so that piece by price my life wasn't my own anymore, I had nothing to link me to the life I once knew. Why me, I don't think I'll ever know. But what a tangled web they've wooven for me, and on that note I let out another mournful sigh.
  

Chapter 15

YSo I push and shove well corruption bends my will, no matter what I do I can not make it still. Instead Im inflicted with a disease that there is known cure for, my diagnosis is a fatal one with a slim chance to nil that I'm gonna go into remission and win,having a full recovery, , I can feel it in my bones and I just know I will lose this battle,no matter how tough or how hard I fight against this,this bad bad thing, this destroyer of souls, this devourer of free will, this monster in my nightmares that has crawled out from my dreams to haunt me well I'm awake. I think I'm going crazy, but Im watching myself go insane and I have no control, how maddning this situation has reached, reaching out without reasoning.


Chapter 16

  So here I am still as another day finds the dawn and once more I watch the sun rise, but I can't see the beauty in this anymore.
Now I believe this makes day four without sleep, without rest, without happiness, without any emotion or feeling, except the constant dread and emptiness that has drained me dry.
  I can tell this wickedness has grown a little stronger, its borrowing its way into my soul.
  Alls I can do is helplessly sit back and and wait, to just let this happen to me, and realizing this only makes me weaker. Im becoming such a fragile being, I'm almost afraid to move from this spot, cause my brittle body will most likely shatter to peices.


Chapter 17

Tick tock, tick tock the clock laughs in my face, it screams at me telling me that time has no meaning in my life from this moment on, and as the hands round the clocks face hour after hour, tick tock tick tock, your running out of time , your life is coming to an end sooner then later.
  Amoungst the buzzing silence of the daytime, I hear the clock somewhere in the background, its becoming a nuisance, annoying me just enough to where I can't possibly try to ignore it.
  I sit here silent and still, motionless , paralyzed from fea

You got to let them know you love them

But what of the love in return

You got to tell them they're beautiful

But what reminds you of the beauty in you

Sometimes I feel invisible

I guess it's part of depression

It gives me a tempting aggression

How lonesome

How horrible

How sad 

How dull

Whisper sweet nothings

Predictable quiet sugar

Diabetes

That picture perfect

Nothing but a facade in a portrait

See those smiles

That's not you

See those moments

They aren't yours

They aren't mine

I wish

Maybe I could try 

But the suttle depression kicks
In

That corner looks awfully nice

I guess for now I drift in a lonely bliss

And sleep

Just

Sleep

It's like a cycle.
He enters at the rate,
any new-comer would.
Charming.
Gentle.
Fast as that autumn breeze,
he illustrates a whirl in your mind.
Your life.
You depic beauty in his eyes.
Autumn bursts into a heavy fall.
Face first,
and he is no where.
Your eyes weather.
They bring heavy rain.

It's like a cycle.

A hope,
a glimmer,
is upon the iced winter.
The air crisp as a sweet apple.
A stable environment,
happiness birthed each day.
All stood at a pause,
but a warmth seemed to be inching.
Suttle and simple
Beauty had arisen,
in oranges, pinks, and blues.
Spring.
You were being educated,
in what was once,
the love of autumn.
Warmth.
Compassion.
Greater and unwilling to harm...
An unjust statement.
A drizzle,
and he vanished.

It's like a cycle.

A blazing sunshine.
A clear sky.
A past to be forgotten.
The grass healthy,
as footprints were laid upon it.
Laughter is where it was chosen to be.
A memory,
never to be forgotten.
Not a change in the air,
but a slight breeze.
It was over.
Beauty was freshly created.
Life was returned in your eyes...
But you had failed to visualize,
a season,
once born,
must die,
and must return once more.
In a silent twilight,
he brings another autumn.

It is a cycle.

50th years of untold perfection.
A man, the spirit of a good man, in perfect little sections.
a father whom needs no introduction.
The best in everything he is, and he only asks for nothing.
We all need him but want him to live.
hoping that I can do without him.
he does for so many and his heart is large.
and no matter the distance away i go.
we both share that special part.
its so endearing, but yet un-appearing.
no one needs to be shown. Hes humble in spirit.
he shows it through action and he'll help me mirror it.
he doesn't flaunt it or show any struggle.
he loves the hard and hates the suttle.
and hes shown me that life's not bad.
a matter of adjustment to habitat.
just be yourself and honor it.
to the best of the best. A father; a martyr.
my motivation to make life go farther.

When everyone you have ever loved is finally gone
When everything you have ever wanted is finally done with
When all of your nightmares are for a time obscured
As by a shining brainless beacon
Or a blinding eclipse of the many terrible shapes of this world
When you are calm and joyful
And finally entirely alone
Then in a great new darkness
You will finally execute your special plan

One needs to have a plan someone said who was turned away into the shadows
And who I had believed was sleeping or dead
Imagine he said all the flesh that is eaten
The teeth tearing into it
The tongue tasting it's savour
And the hunger for that taste
Now take away that flesh he said
Take away the teeth and the tongue
The taste and the hunger
Take away everything as it is
That was my plan
My own special plan for this world
I listened to these words and yet I did not wonder
If this creature whom I had thought sleeping or dead would ever approach his vision
Even in his deepest dreams
Or his most lasting death
Because I had heard of such plans such visions
And I knew they did not see far enough
But what was demanded in a way of a plan
Needed to go beyond tongue and teeth and hunger and flesh
Beyond the bones and the very dust of bones and the wind that would come to blow the dust away
And so I began to envision a darkness that was long before the dark of night
And a strangely shining light
That owed nothing to the light of day

That day may seem like other days
Once more we feel the tiny legged trepidations
Once more we are mangled by a great grinding fear
But that day will have no others after
No more worlds like this will follow
Because I have a plan
A very special plan
No more worlds like this
No more days like that

There are but four ways to die a sardonic spirit might have said to me
There is dying that occurs relatively suddenly
There is dying that occurs relatively gradually
There is dying that occurs relatively painlessly
There is the death that is full of pain
Thus by various means they are combined
The sudden and the gradual
The painless and the painful
To yield but four ways to die
And there are no others
Even after the voice stopped speaking
I listened for it to speak again
After hours and day and years have passed
I listened for some further words
Yet all I heard were the faintest echoes reminding me
There are no others
There are no others
Was it then that I began to conceive for this world
A special plan?

There are no means for escaping this world
It penetrates even into your sleep
And is his substance
You are caught in your own dreaming
Where there is no space
And a hell forever where there is no time
You can't do nothing you aren't told to do
There is no hope for escape from this dream
That was never yours
The very words you speak are only it's very words
And you talk like a traitor
Under it's incessant torture

There are many who have designs upon this world
And dream of wild and vast reformations
I have heard them talking in their sleep
Of elegant mutations
And cunning annihilations
I have heard them whispering in the corners of crooked houses
And in the alleys and narrow back streets of this crooked creaking universe
Which they with their new designs were made straight and sound
But each of these new and I'll conceived designs
Is deranged in it's heart
For they see this world as if it were alone and original
And not as only one of count with others
Whose nightmares all precede
Like a hideous garden grown from a single seed
I have heard these dreamers talking in their sleep
And I stand waiting for them
As at the top of a darkened flight of stairs
They know nothing of me
And none of the secrets of my special plan
While I know every crooked creaking step of theirs

It was the voice of someone who was waiting in the shadows
Who was looking at the moon and waiting for me to turn the corner
And enter a narrow street
And stand with him in the dull glaze of moonlight
Then he said to me
He whispered
That my plan was misconceived
That my special plan for this world was a terrible mistake
Because, he said, there is nothing to do and there is no where to go
There is nothing to be and there is no one to know
Your plan is a mistake, he repeated
This world is a mistake, I replied

The children always followed him
When they saw him hopping by
A funny walk
A funny man
A funny, funny, funny man
He made them laugh sometimes
He made them laugh oh yes he did
He did he did he did he did
Oh how he made them roll
One day he took them to a place
He knew a special place
And told them things about this world
This funny, funny, funny world
Which made them laugh sometimes
He made them laugh oh yes he did
He did he did he did he did
Oh how he made them roll
Then the funny man who made them laugh
Sometimes he did
Revealed to them his special plan
His very special funny plan
Knowing they would understand
And maybe laugh sometimes
He made them laugh
Oh yes he did
He did he did he did he did
Their eyes grew wide beneath there lids
And how he made them roll

I first learned the facts from a lunatic
In a dark and quiet room that smelled of stale time and space
There are no people
Nothing at all like that
The human phenomenon is but the sum of densely coiled layers of illusion
Each of which winds itself upon the supreme insanity
But there are persons of any kind
When all that can be is mindless mirrors
Laughing and screaming as they parade about
In an endless dream
But when I asked the lunatic what it was
It swore itself within these mirrors
As they marched endlessly in stale time and space
He only looked and smiled
Then he laughed and screamed
And in his black and empty eyes
I saw for a moment as in a mirror
A form the shade of divinity
In flight from it's stale infinity
Of time and space and the worst of all
Of this world dreams
My special plan for the laughter
And the screams

We went to see some little show
That was staged in an old she'd
Past the edge of town
And in it's beginnings all seemed well
The miniature curtain stage glowed in the darkness
While those dolls bounced along on their strings before our eyes
And in it's beginnings all seemed well
But then there came a suttle turning point which some have noticed
And I was one
Who quietly left the show
No I did not
Because I could see where things were going
As the antics of those dolls grew strange
And the fragile strings grew taut
With their tiny pullings, tiny limbs
The others around me became appalled
And turned away and abandoned the show
That was staged in an old she'd
Past the edge of town
But I wanted to witness what could never be
I wanted to see what could not be seen
But the moment of consummate disaster
My puppets turned to face the puppet master

It was twilight and I stood in a greyish haze of the vast empty building
When the silence was enriched by a reverberant voice
All the things of this world it said
Are of but one essence
For which there are no words
This is the greater part which has no beginning or end
And the one essence of this world for which there can be no words
Is that all the things of this world
This is the lesser part which had a beginning and shall have an end
And for which words were conceived solely to speak of
The tiny broken beings of this world it said
The beginnings and endings of this world it said
For which words were conceived solely to speak of
Now remove these words and what remains it asks me
As I stood in the twilight of that vast empty building
But I did not answer
The question echoed over and over
But I remained silent until the echoes died
And as twilight passed into the evening I felt my
Special plan for which there are no words
Moving towards a greater darkness

There are some who have no voices
Or none that will ever speak
Because of the things they know about this world
And the things they feel about this world
Because the thoughts that fill a brain
That is a damaged brain
Because the pain that fills a body
That is a damaged body
Exists in other worlds
Countless other worlds
Each of which stands alone in an infinite empty blackness
For which no words are being conceived
And where no voices are able to speak
When a brain is filled only with damaged thoughts
When a damaged body is filled only with pain
And stands alone in a world surrounded by infinite empty blackness
And exists in a world for which there is no special plan

When everyone you have ever loved is finally gone
When everything you have ever wanted is finally done with
When all of your nightmares are for a time obscured
As by a shining brainless beacon
Or a blinding eclipse of the many terrible shapes of this world
When you are calm and joyful
And finally entirely alone
Then in a great new darkness
You will finally execute your special plan

the sound of the suttle rainfall and the fear of the dispiteful thunder haunt me in my mind....
the taunting shadows cast by the moonlight fill the back of my mind with the thought of you....
the puddle on my doorstep is begging me to let it inside....
but i think to myself before i make a remark of any sort.... the thunder booms after the long pause of wonder..
as i walk in the rain i pick out each lightening bolt about twenty feet away with the recognition of the danger that i am now faced with.... i lay on the ground as if i was waiting for that moment where the lightening travels through my very body putting me in this strange stat where i fall up and breathe through my hands; everytime i hold your hand it cuts off my breath.... i become fragile and courageous enough to squeeze tighter and tighter. i awaken from my daze by the sound of thunder.. it sounded so sweet in my mind as it reeved like your harleys engine.... so smooth and like you; quick to react.... the rain is starting to burn my skin as i start to run.... the once fimiliar scenery turns distorted and cold.... im back on my doorstep.... you're gone again.... the storm goes on but i pay no mind to it any longer.... i make my way inside.. i unfold my bedspread and turn the fan on high.. i go lay down in the bed you used to tuck me into.. close my eyes and get ready to see you in my dreams.... 6/13/49 - 6/12/08

In void of you I set my course,
because of you,  my sight unclear.
In hopeless twists of love and trust,
to where I lay my time and space.

My time is suttle, I need not know.
Its lays in seas, too far from reach.
But seeps into my scars and bone,
Like gas in fire, all at once.

The space I lay is closing up,
like lungs of tar, that fill me in.
broken pieces of you left behind,
to where I lay my space and time.

I'm sorry I require so much patience, I know how tiring loving me must be.
I'm sorry my walls are more like towers, but they were never keeping you out I swear.
I know I'm probably the most challenging project you've ever had to do but I swear I'm trying.
I wish the cut from when he left didn't stop me from trusting. but how am I supposed to trust when he handed me the bottle of pills he so many times begged me to flush?
I'm so ******* sorry it will take me extra long to open up to you but I promise you, I PROMISE YOU, my heart is yours to take. my heart is beating your name.
I'm sorry I'm always so sorry but I feel like you deserve the world.
he left and I'm scared you're going to go. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself trust again but my ******* walls begged for you when I met you. I like to say I'm strong enough to go through losing anyone else, but I swear to god I'd be on the floor begging you not to leave if you ever thought of going. every "I love you" has a suttle mention of "stay" lingering. if I could say I need you, I would. please.

I’d tell you the pain
At any funeral
Was the suttle reminder
To love those closest to you
I’d tell you
She cries too
Her only shoulder to lean on
Was the faith you had
If I were best friends with god
I’d give you hints of who she was
How vast her love is
I’d tell you you’re never alone
Through every shadow
She could still see you
Your own light shining
If only you would pull the shade
If I were best friends with god
I’d tell you why we were created
How everybody needs a friend
Someone to love
To be loved by
I’d tell you her only power
Was making love
If I were best friends with god
I wouldn’t have to think
About a future without me
Never finishing watching
My kids grow
I’d tell you heaven was real
I’d describe it in vivid detail
How instead of gold gates
It’s only cobblestone walkways
White picket fence
And a light on the porch
In case you arrived at dark
If I were best friends with god
I’d tell you how she smiles
When her temper tantrums
Leave ruined lives
Holding each other’s hands
I’d tell you she’s just like a child
Cute and innocent
Wild and fierce
Out for attention
Hoping you’ll find her message
Somewhere amongst the chaos
If I were best friends with god
I’d have a few more answers
Sadly I know no god
Only the moments I cherish
As I fill my own life
With the laughter of friends and family
And maybe when I’m done having fun
I’ll have a cup of tea
And start a friendship
With whatever’s on the other side

Leaning here
Hoping to have a moment
Realization
Clarity
Bring to me; a piece of mind
If God exists I'm begging
If Ghandi grants wishes
If I can please ******* find some peace
Or even just a piece
Something to hold onto, someone to hold my hand
Because truth is I'm scared
Truth is I'm holding my heart, griping my keyboard, hugging my mind
They don't tell u how real it is
Always gotta learn the hard way
I don't even know what I'm writing about
I'm just laying here; laying here trying to stay woke, stay free, stay alive
I went to school today and didn't do to class
I stared in a boys eyes, told him I'm not gone
Keeping in touch, seems a bit to much
Seems like I'm fighting myself
Everyday I'm struggling
Fear and doubt
I will prevail I will not fail
I have nothing to prove, I shall own up my sins
I shall caress every acquaintance; in a home that feels safe, where we aren't afraid
Clenching my jaw, body like a suttle current, with a mind like a hurricane
I shall not fail myself
I shall not let myself go
I shall not hate
I'm never giving in, not headed to that golden gate

Respect could be described as a suttle word to describe the liar in yourself were does it begin?


Within our own bubble or out of your comfort zone, one man’s likes could be another man’s dislikes.


In such a situation respect is the one thing that has to bring the two together bonding in such a way that it brings smile to our faces.


Good morning mam would you like to take a seat? Please I must insist! That was the conversation I had the other day.


When an old lady jumped onto the bus with no were to sit down, no she said but thank you.


So we had bonded with that i stood up and offered my seat and as she sat down she looked at me and smiled and with a sweat voice she said thank you young man.


Funny faces on the bus looking at me! But I never cared at they Thoughts, I was happy with the respect I had shown the dear old lady.


Jidos Reality 8.1.10

I took a shot for you and everything we did,
everything we once was in our relationship.
Now i'm sitting back thinking why the **** do i care?
All the times i needed you, you were never there.

I admit I've made mistakes,
I was trying to fix them but now it's too late.
I really do wish the best for you,
even if it's hurts i hope you find love,

Imagine love without a struggle,
just happiness and peace where a couple never crumbles,
a stumble here and there
but the sand is so suttle when the world seems to rumble.

I promise you,
you won't dare forget my name.
When you needed help I'm the one who always ******* came.
I'm the one who picked you up when you stepped into the rain,
I'm the one who took you back when you left me in so much pain.
Remember all that ******* you said?... That you'd love me until the end..
I should never have believed you because all this time you've been sleeping in someone else's bed.

It begins with a thought a glimpse of the past slowly transcending into a ride. I begin to realize that I'm loosing ahold of reality like the ripples in water from a drop of time falling down upon its suttle nature. I'm looking up at the stars as if there's a message for me or a beautiful escape to distract myself from the coughs and the clouds burning inside of me that I create with the lungs I treat so cruely night after night. Breath after breath the clouds surrond me as if to enclose myself in a place without fear or Worry, without pain or sorrow. These grey clouds whisper in my ear explaining how things work and filling me with questions. I count down starting from three and with each blink I descend deeper and deeper to only be brought up higher. I blink hard, I'm looking down upon a  child who's seen so much, who's felt too much, who's going through so much hes tryng to cry to wash away and let go of his pain but all his tears have already been spent long ago. So he inhales the grey clouds and with each breath he takes his eyes begin to wonder, his mind is rather occupied by the memories, overflowing and drowning all at once. I blink a second time, The clock strikes midnight, time takes its toll and with each second I'm falling back to where it all began, I try to claw my way back up but the clouds have disappeared no longer there to float me back up to the gates of heaven. I feel a hole in my stomach as I lick my lips, I realize the music has ceased to move in me so I remove the technology from my ears and begin to listen to the hunger in my stomach instead, forevermore growing stronger and heavier, a hunger that strikes me like lightning whenever i get a hint of its aroma in the crisp and cold air, an aroma that reminds me of what it was like to taste heaven and forget about all the people that have died, all the beatings I've endurerd. A little boy still trapped inside of a growing mans body.  The feeling to be separated from the part of him that's still scared stirs in his heart like an ocean filled by tears and years. I blink again, time speeds back up my thoughts cease to crowd me I realize and visualize what it was like so see the stars move contemplating and waiting impatiently until the grey clouds return .

Trouble Memories have made us today molded our character and minds created this un for seen future we have left behind.


Cause and effect I think! I lost 6 weeks of my life but gained a moment of reality with a mixed feeling of acceptance with one’s self.


Covered in a storm of happiness wish I had a camera to capture this feeling of completion, as my mind becomes one with my soul.


Like picking up my Knife and Fork cutting into this piece of stake that’s covered in mushroom sauce.


Thinking been waiting for this moment for some time, and as I take my first bite my smile gets a moment of clarity with its self.


Watching the sun set on a quiet Sunday morning, and a warm summers evening, Tingling moments of spontaneous randomness.


My sadness has become my happiness filled with days of loneliness watching the time pass by wondering when will I realize I’ve found myself.


Complete is the suttle word that comes to mind! At peace at last with these Trouble Memory’s.

  
Jidos Reality 1.1.10

i used to be steel but now im just simply broken glass.
the only way to show you my love
is by writing poems
dedicated to you
on your spinal cord as i run my fingertips
across your shoulder blades.
i cannot open my eyes
when i sleep next to you because
the glisten of your thoughts
reincarnate into my bones
as we lay on the white bed sheets
at three in the morning.
and when you whisper
"i love you"
i get butterflies and i cant breathe an
"i love you" in return.
i will be leaving in the morning
because i wont be able to control the guilt
that will be left on my wounded lips
made from the crisp of your secretive tongue.
i fell for you like autumn leaves;
a mistake because you were the
ever-so-suttle evergreen trees.
everything has changed and
i just want to be by your side
as we collide,
shattering into a million thoughts
and heartbeats.
before i leave,
make me feel like i've made the
best of what we have left of us,
because i cant deal with the
thought of knowing i left
my future with you
dangling by an
"i love you" that was never
meant to be said.
i'll build us a city that sleeps for two,
im high on your breath;
the same breath that encompassed me
with familiar patterns of light touching
from the hairs on your arms
the  night before.
make me feel your heartbeat as i run away with the
sound of your footsteps lagging behind me,
as you try to catch me from the wrath of hell
i have created.
i breathe through ******* dollar bills
and my blazed eyes see so much
hate and love in the world
and all i can do is watch
the world i've known destroy itself
with unknown abysses.
tight skin wraps itself around my thoughts,
forcing me to only think of you as i
crash from this high you created
inside my mind.
my empty heart somehow longs
to drown in your arms
as i walk down this boulevard
of broken promises that
have flown from your ****** lips,
my bony hips.

{m.j.}

People forget to enjoy trees.

I like to pass the time
on car rides
watching the stray branches
bending in variations
whooshing in the breeze.

Sadly in between these emerald giants
are wires
black and distracting
the pattern spanning

I watch for the eye catching greens
and suttle browns
waving at me as I pass.

I always wave back.

Suttle mark upon the window
Landscape dazed
The arrival of spring
Sunlight swept to cause the haze

Among the scholarship
It is me
Aspiration to days of kinship
Troubles face this lack of breeze

The fear of the short term wait
Rummy beyond my fragile day
A mind that has always gone away
Depictions of these irrational sways      

In the distance
I watch the branches
The flutter of their fragile lances
Visions obtained with prying glances

Ideas flooding the mind
Is this a hint?

A new glory I must find
Leave the words in my print

Writers block now released
Joy from this new found breeze
An idea offered by my disease
The phenomenon is complete

I am pleased

Brethen of the orchid
In the rays of the warm amart
The sounds of the loud *****
Walking foward to tear you apart

Soul pledge to Affinity
A deed shall not last
Pain swiped by tides of eternity
No letting go of the past
        
Flower in the coffin
Bleak trail of the hearse

The rain falls
On the victim of this moral curse

Take my hand
You will never leave
You misunderstand my craving dream

You withstand
My spirit grieves
You understand that I will leave

The marked mattress
Dreams of glee
The past foward
Deceit is what you see

Time will tell
The pain shall fade
Maybe once
Maybe within days

Mourning over a well needed embrace
This feeling of sorrow you must take
A Suttle light glows Amist the pain
Your exit to the time that you remain

Not to Weep in the end of a journey
To say farewell to what has happened
Not to cry because of the end
To smile because it happened

To remember days of our embrace
To remember the flower's shinning face
To see the days in the wake of the past
To wander with the spirit through familiar traces

In between the lines of life.
Somewhere in the shadows suttle secrets do we keep, from prieing eyes.
Slipping between the shadows, the pages of who we really are.
Till the sun shines upon them letting others catch a glimpse.
If only for a second till back to the shadows we carst the real.
Once again taking on the fake.
For not wanting too stand out happy to blend in.
Living life by the same page.
Yet also longing too write a new.
Waiting for a day too shine.