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Stephanie Aug 2018
It hurts so bad
Not the pain of today
Not even the pain of yesterday
Maybe the pain of a lifetime ago
Not any less
Definitely more
My adult mind is realing
Punishing the little girl I was
The little girl who accepted so much
Fought so little
Torn apart by what I could have done
Beaten down by what i should have done
Terrorized by what I didnt do
Haunted by what I did
I survived
I am alive
But when will I start living
I used to think the world was fair and that life works itself out
But now I’m confused and my heart’s filled with doubt,
The threads of this dream are starting to unwind
I’ve come to learn the world is unjust and fate is unkind.

I always thought you were real but my perception was blind
Your blurring my vision and playing with my mind,
Slowly like the sands of time you’re ripping away at my soul
You’ve taken all I have, all that makes me whole,
Driving myself crazy trying to fill that empty void
But I can’t pull it together, my confidence you’ve destroyed,
You’ve taken my happiness and replaced it with hate
So much hatred and anger I just can’t take,
You’ve poisoned me enough, I’ll break down and cry
But never will I give up, no I will not die.

You will not take me down, you will not conquer me tonight
I will not lay down in my grave I’ll stand up and fight,
I maybe bleeding but take off that smile if you think you’ve won
A knife through my heart is nothing, the battle’s just begun.

There is warrior inside that you failed to see
A strength you missed while you were judging me,
She will not give up as easy as you think
I’m drowning in depression but she will not sink,
Through all the pain and criticism she will stand tall
When pushed passed the limit she will not fall,
I will take whatever you give to me
And with god by my side I will be free.

I won’t bow down to you and just take the abuse
You can’t break my faith, don’t try there’s no use,
So you can turn that smile into a frown
Because this is one girl that just won’t go down
Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
Bang! Bang! Bang!
T'was like a never-ending siren.
Wirh trauma engraved minds
blood on their hands
came bravery
in each man's heart and soul.
The battlefields were their cage;
they got themselves in
but couldn't get out.
Snowflakes sprinkled down from the sky like fallen men,
while the soldiers waited like sitting ducks,
before coming face to face with death again.

Still. Still. Still.
Without the squealing bombs
and earth shattering shells
all seemed to be oddly still.
For the first time in forever
almost as if they were frozen in time.
You could feel the silence
that hung over that wasteland
on the very night
of December 24th, 1914.

Tension, curiosity and confusion
wafted through the British trenches like incense.
and those three feelings
were the only things that loomed in the sky
until an all too familiar tune filled the night...
Sweet, muffled melodys filled the air
as a German silent night
was being sung everywhere.

Tranquillity took over each soldiers heart as they realised in that moment
it was Christmas days start.
Though they longed for their families
something felt true
as German symphonys whispered
through the cold nights gloom.

And soon,
the Englishmen had all joined in-
sounding somewhat like a broken choir- but to them
it was amazing.
An astonishing moment when
something felt right
and something felt fair
and that was the hope
they needed to share.

Voices. Voices. Voices.
Bouncing off the walls of each trench
of both German and Englishmen
from both sides of the fence.
The song 'silent night'
hung in the breeze
just like twinkling lights
laced around a Christmas tree.

Loud melodic Voices,
Flooded through the battlefield.
Soldiers grinning from ear to ear
while their hearts sung wonders.
But little were they sure
that singing wouldn't be the only alien sound they heard
that Christmas day or more.

Footsteps. Footsteps. Footsteps.
Feet crunching on the crisp leaves!
Englishmen were cautiously fumbling to see out of their trench
only to find Germans
wearily emerging from their wire...

In that moment
every weapon was lowered
and suddenly
possible peace approached. 
Soldiers then
from both sides of war
came out from their place of stay
and were civil
for what Christmas they saw.

As dawn broke
Christmas day approached
hands were shook
smiles were shared
and a glimmer of hope
flew around in the air.
Football, cards, carols and more:
christmas bought them all together
as snow fell heavy on the floor.

Loyalties didn't count for that day,
however all those hours after
once that first bomb went off in the distance,
It was like an alarm.

The alarm going off and saying
"Wake up! Wake up from this dream,
and go back to harsh reality".
And it was safe to say,
that not one of those men wanted to wake up.
But it was not an alarm-
as much as it sent the same message-
It was a warning instead.
A warning that they had to go back to their duties right away.

Smiles, frowns,
and sad looks all around.
Frohe Weihnatchen!
Merry Christmas! 
And all went back to their grounds.

A Christmas spirit was spread that night,
which might have been enough, 
to save a mans life.

Back to work,
it was war again,
but they never forgot,
they made a friend.
Whatever the rules,
they knew it felt right.

Silent night.
Silent night.
Silent night.
A peice on the Christmas truce in ww1. May we remember those who lost their lives as we read this, and may they all remain in peice, with pride.
Walking down the hall without that horrid IV
No words can do justice to how I feel so free
I one so small have conquered that roaring “C”
And showed you all I can, because I never gave up on me.

Not many believed, they lose faith fast
Not even I dreamt how long I’d last
They said it had ended when the stone was cast
But I showed you all I could, because I never gave up on me.

Oh how the pain burned
Slow like seasons turned
And to give up I yearned
But I showed you strength, because I never gave up on me.

With silent tears I struggled on
My only hope she now was gone
From above her light shone
I showed her I was grateful, because I never gave up on me.

Lying in bed
Listening to sounds I dread
Screams of a child and loved ones who cry
There are too many miles to go why can’t I just die.
My skin is sore
From the needles I bore
The drugs I take
They make me ache
I’m tired of fighting let’s end this bid,
oh why can’t I just be a normal kid?
I’d show myself and I’d show you all
That I made it through with my back against the wall
Because I never gave up on me.

In size and in strength may you never judge me
I won that battle because I had faith in me
There is so much more that you can’t see
And I showed you all, because I never gave up on me.

Walking down the hall without that horrid IV
No words can do justice to how I feel so free,
I one so small have conquered that roaring “C”
And showed you all I can, because I never gave up on me.

Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
And even though she died along with other people I cared about like my friend Sister Jacklyn, death never crossed my mind. After her death I still never lost hope, and I promised never to give up. And even after I relapsed and had to start all over again, I promised myself to keep on fighting until I was just like everyone else again, until I could wake up in my own bed and run free without that ****** IV. No matter how painful a struggle no matter how long, I would have fought to eternity to be healthy again.
When reality finally hits you it hurts
When the truth comes into focus it’s brutally painful.
Hope isn't always enough
It’s not always a happy ending.
What happens when faith is not enough?

I get hot flashes
My depression splashes
My soul is cold like stone,
the fear of being alone.

So now I lay me down to sleep
I pray you lord my soul to keep
Don’t let me die before I wake
I pray you lord my soul do not take.

I barely have a past
And may have no future
       Empty pages of a book
       A story left unwritten
       A life left unlived
       A hope left in the dust.
Please don't take me yet
Your mercy you won't regret
I am down on my knees
Begging you please
Don’t take me away.

At night I dream a misty graveyard
A tombstone the name I cannot see
A flashlight in the darkness
A figure so lifeless I cannot breathe.
Then I awake not as fearless as I may seem.

If this is my future
And if it comes to pass
And this breath be my last
Then this thought to you I cast.

What if faith is not enough?
Then life would be rather tough
With nothing to believe in
And nothing to justify
Nothing to keep you sane
Nothing to grasp when you fall
You will have nothing,
nothing at all.

Sometimes that is how I am
Falling in the darkness
With nothing to take hold
This feeling leaves me cold
hearted, soulless, empty.
All I feel is the pain of being unreal
No one knows how this life feels,
when you are so lifeless.

So now I lay me down to cry
I pray you lord you can't let me die.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close my eyes without a peep
Never to be opened again.

Your body goes warm then cold like rain
Slowly your body numbs,
to your fingers and your thumbs.
As your body stops working, you feel the cold mist of death
And peacefully while you’re sleeping you take your final breath.
Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com

© 2016 Christine Mulvihill
Esther Krenzin Oct 2018
Strong and resolute, it stands
seeking with claw-like limbs
for sunlight and raindrops.
Leaves, crimson and gold
slip from trailing branches
coming to rest on frozen ground.
Whispering and sighing
the great oak bends and sways
in the icy wind.
Roots, beneath the surface
delve deep down
growing
strengthening
as ages pass--
untouched by frost.
The strong winds may blow
and wage their wars
brittle branches may splinter.
But still the oak stands
bending
not breaking against the forces.
-Esther L. Krenzin-
-Roguesong-
We must learn to be more flexible in life, and not let the world make us hard and unforgiving. If a tree were hard and brittle, than it would break and fall over. And if it had no roots, it would never be standing in the first place. When we are born, we are born a tree bud with roots like small veins. As the years past we grow and learn the ways of the world, our roots growing and spreading. Life may be difficult, there may be suffering, and we may become hard and splinter into pieces. But remember that everything that is broken, comes back stronger than before. I once saw lightning strike down a towering oak, causing it to fall and leave nothing but a barren stump.
After a year or two, a little tree began to grow from the stump of its former self, becoming everything it was before it fell--if not even more beautiful.
To this day, it still stands, looking as if nothing ever happened.
Life will knock you down, but it is your choice whether or not you will stand up again, or stay down.
It was my birthday today but no one noticed, they were admiring Cara’s new outfit and shoes, but I didn’t complain cuz it’s not about me, it’s about everyone else.

I got an A on my paper but no one noticed because Lisa got an A+, but I didn’t complain, it’s not about me, it’s about everyone else.

I felt good about myself today but no one noticed because Stephany bought the same shirt and she looks better in it, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

My boyfriend dumped me today but no one noticed because Jenny’s cat died last week, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

I started smoking today but no one noticed because everyone already smokes, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

I became anorexic today but no one noticed because they think I’m fat anyway, but I didn’t complain. It’s not about me it’s about everyone else.

I killed myself today but no one noticed because no one ever does so why should today be any different? But I didn’t complain, It’s not about me it’s about everyone else, because before this happened, on the inside I was already dead.
Read more at http://******-in-oncology.com
Red is the color of passion and rage
Red is the color that keeps me turning every page.

Orange, though it seems calm, is the color of fire
It’s the color that holds all my desires.

Yellow makes me crazy and wild
But is also the color that makes me soft and mild.

Green is the color as strange as it may seem,
holds the key to my fantasies and wildest dreams.

Blue is the color of my oceans of tears
Blue is the sky with all my fears.

Indigo, although pretty, makes me miserable because it’s always
  Stuck in the middle of being happy and sad
  Stuck in the middle of being mad or glad.

Violet is last not least the color that could make me “tres triste”,
Happy or hunger for food
It is the color that decides my mood.

But what happens when all these colors bind
They make my heart
       My soul
       My mysterious mind.
Read more at http://******-in-oncology
I used to think life would be perfect, never a frown on my face
I’d have a perfect figure and always travel with grace,
I could pick my man from a catalogue that’s grown fit for a queen
I never thought that the people I loved could ever be so mean.

Life kind of just hit me not waiting ‘til I was ready
Knocked me from my stance in which I was so steady
It changed me as a person, a person that’s not me
It has changed me into everything I don’t want to be.
Sometimes I just can’t grasp it with the help of all my friends
It’s like trying to wrap your arms around a tree that never ends.

When I look in the mirror I despise what I see
The person starring back doesn’t resemble me,
She’s quite a different person with her heart so out of place
She becomes invisible when the tears run down her face.
She built a wall of shame around her soul and let’s no one in
She can fool you with her smile even though she cries within.
She keeps her feeling locked up in her heart
So when she’s all alone is when she falls apart.

I act as if I have it together and everything is in place
But when you’re not looking the tears begin to race
While people surround me I pretend not to care
My heart bleeds in pain when they are not there.

When my stomach gurgles with rage, you think its indigestion
But what is broken is more the appropriate question.
What is broken cannot be fixed so don’t worry my friend
I’ll take this curse from the beginning to the very end.
Help me if you can listen, help me if you will
But I can’t cure this curse because there is no pill.
I was just a young child when I was first diagnosed with leukemia. A young girl who’s fate would have brought her to the grave. But look at me now. I am standing here in front of you and although I may be far different from all of you on the outside, I am still a person on the inside. My physical scars in time will heal, but my emotional scars will remain forever.

Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
My soul is a dark and gloomy place
It lacks all sense of beauty & grace
A room with an entrance but no escape
It takes on a small and lifeless shape.

Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
clairevanya Oct 2017
I've never been able to get good sleep.
My eyes darker than black holes, I spiral down.
I try to clamber up, but I'm in way too deep.

Daydreaming at night.
The loss of myself, but very aware of my state of mind.
Release is only found within the sunrise.
Every night I stumble on the moon.
I jump star to meteor, hoping gravity pulls me into the space between. Maybe then I can get some real good sleep.

History book worthy battles, I wonder who will be the victor.
Love or loath; a sword drawn to my heart.
Arms apart, head thrown back.
I'm not even entirely sure what part of me I'm killing, I'm just praying for relief, I just want some sleep.

I was sick of the suffering, autopilot is my new definition of personality.
Memories have turned into sadistic nightmares.
Let me free myself from this close eyed, open mind torture.
I cant even stand to walk around my own mind, silence is full of beasts I have yet to slay.    
I'd rather hide in the wounded parts of me, call myself a survivor.
A survivor of nothing out of the ordinary.
Through the years I have learned;
Life is one tough pill to swallow

I’ve learned to triumph and to give up
I’ve learned I can do anything with a full coffee cup,
I’ve learned there’s some things in life you just can’t have
And I’ve learned having them doesn’t always make you happy,
I’ve learned when you love someone they don’t always love you back
And nothing hurts more than a broken heart,
I’ve learned that friends can be the most important things in life
But getting on their bad side can be like standing under a knife,
I’ve learned when you throw a cookie in the sky god doesn’t take it
But as long as it’s not wax he appreciates the thought,
I’ve learned not to take people you care about for granted
They may be here today but you never know what tomorrow brings,
I’ve learned that crying about the past can’t change a thing
And worrying about the future will make the present even worse,
I’ve learned to fight for what you want in life
But before you start make sure you know what you are fighting for,

I’ve learned that people can steal your stuff
But they can’t steal your dreams,
I’ve learned that even the meanest person you know still has a heart
And that no one is too mean to cry,
I’ve learned that people change and grow apart
But it’s those people you should keep in your heart,
I’ve learned that people can be smiling on the outside
But crying an ocean on the inside,
I’ve learned that being too young is not such a bad thing
But being too old isn’t good either,
I’ve learned winning isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
But failing can burn like fire,
Over the years I’ve learned;
To laugh
To love
To sing
To smile
To dance
To win
~~~
To lose
To fail
To pain
To hate
To cry
To wallow
I’ve learned that life is one tough pill to swallow
Read more at http://******-in-oncology
On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.
Trigger warning.
-word for word conversation with my brother this Christmas eve. This was not written to offend anyone. But rather to hopefully open the eyes of those considering attempting. It doesn't stop the pain, it truly does just pass it on to the people who love you most. Stay strong, hold on.
She smiles brave for her father
Cuz she can't find her mother,
Her bleeding goes unnoticed
and she's trying to stay focused,
On what she knows
And how it goes
but the wind still blows
and the feeling grows,
And she can’t keep it in rhythm
when she see's others girls with him.

No one sees her heart is broken
Her tears go unspoken,
There’s no one there, no one to phone,
She’s all alone,
She’s hurting
and her feelings keep on stirring,
She cannot eat
She cannot sleep,
She’s faceless
She stumbles cuz she graceless,
She’s tired of holding on
cuz her time has come and gone.

She feels her life is over
She needs someone to show her,
She’s not invisible no more.

She's starting to get nervous
what did she do to deserve this
She needs to rise to the surface
She needs to know her purpose,
She needs to know she's not invisible no more
Read more at http://******-in-oncology
Mom I wish I could be that dancer
I wish I never heard of cancer
I wish I was that girl everyone wants to be
I wish the ones who are closest weren’t the ones to leave.
I wish we could just pick up the phone
I wish I didn’t feel so alone.

I wish you could just love me faults and all
Every yell is a push, you push and I fall
Fall into reality, this haunting depression
Into tears & pain and my obsession.

I live in a world where my dreams are in control
I’m always happy and my heart never stole
Life is perfect and it all works out
Reality is something I live without.

I’ve got “the boy”, the ladies pay attention
The “good job” grades & what is detention
High on a pedestal daydreaming away
All my wishes, all my way.
But I snap back to reality if you tap or you call
Every time you push me, you push and I fall.
Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
The sun rises and then it falls into night
People you love get into fights,
The day starts and the day ends
Society is cruel and you lose friends,
Dreams are crushed by the reality of life
The truth about love stabs like a knife,
People live and people die
Once in a while everyone cries.

Innocent lives are ruined by warfare
One greedy person’s action the outcome we share,
Children become people of their own
Rebelling and running from their broken home,
No one sees better than the eyes of a child
Curious mind tender and mild,
They show us how not to live in vein,
Their innocence shelters them from the world of pain,
Children grow up and children die
Once in a while everyone cries.

The sun rises and then it falls into night
People you love get into fights,
The day starts and the day ends
Society is cruel and you lose friends,
Dreams are crushed by the reality of life
The truth about love stabs like a knife,
People live and people die
Once in a while everyone cries.

The world is over taken by the perfect face
Artificial glamour from place to place,
One imperfection is one too many
You’re not beautifully till you don’t have any,
Big brown eyes and flawless skin
Unless you’re Brittany Spears you won’t get in,
Society has no time for real people and their flaws
So what should happen to this lost cause,
All this pressure to be what no one can be
To be a part of this vision I can’t see,
If people are killed because of differences then who lives?
Different People are born and different people die
Once in a while everyone cries.

The sun rises and then it falls into night
People you love get into fights,
The day starts and the day ends
Society is cruel and you lose friends,
Dreams are crushed by the reality of life
The truth about love stabs like a knife,
People live and people die
Once in a while everyone cries.


When the sun rises it falls in shame
Even it is sick of this game,
The world is greedy with popularity and wealth
Anywhere I go I’ll get there myself,
Kids who rebel, suffer inside they suffer alone
Just pleading for attention, they don’t get at home,
Nobody sees how imperfect we are
Pressures in life leave a permanent scar,
How can I be more than I am
I can’t be anyone but me
And I’m not perfect as you can see,
I was born who I am and I’ll die the same
No matter what you do that will never change,
People are born, people die
Once in a while everyone cries.


The sun rises and then it falls into night
People you love get into fights,
The day starts and the day ends
Society is cruel and you lose friends,
Dreams are crushed by the reality of life
The truth about love stabs like a knife,
People live and people die
Once in a while everyone cries.

I could cry a river of all the pain
Build a bridge to get to the same place again,
I could cry for depression, family, and ****** weather
But even I know I can’t cry forever
People live and people die
Once in a while everyone cries,
I could preach forever how it stabs like a knife
But I’ve learned the hard way, that’s people that’s life.
Read more at http://******-in-oncology
I saw the tears in my mother’s eyes and the concern on my father’s face. I had no idea why or what was happening. ”what’s going on momma” I asked her. She didn’t reply, she just held my hand and started to cry.

Less than 40% chance is not what anyone would have hoped for. But you can’t change the odds; you can only fight against them.

When we found out that I had ALL,
(acute lymphoblastic leukemia) my family members tried to explain to me what was going to happen, but I know now that nothing in the entire world could prepared me for what was about to happen.

Before all this I could not imagine all the things that would happen. All the drugs I would have pumped through my veins, or even worse the ones taken by mouth. Trust me they’re not all that sweet Banana flavour. I could never even begin to think about all the treatments and radiation and piercing the port right through my skin. Words cannot explain to you the pain that I experienced just so I could stand here today and tell you my story.

Before I knew it I was hooked up to an IV and all my long blonde gorgeous hair was gone, once perfectly placed on my 2 year old head, now on my pillow.

Sitting in the hospital bed with the sounds of people crying and other children screaming out in pain and agony echoing through my head. But through the pain and suffering there was always someone there to keep me company.

Aside from my parents and family who were by my side the entire 3 years never giving up hope, my aunt Jamie was always there when I felt down. We would always have fun playing games and she would always paint my nails just to make me feel special. My grandmother, a retired nurse herself, was also another very special person; she always knew that I would overcome my illness. Every day she would take me to the chapel in the church and I would stare at the enormously realistic wood carved statue of Jesus. I would ask “even though you look like you are in more pain than me, can you ask your father to help me.”

Then my grandmother and I would go back to the room and say this prayer together;

And now I lay me down to sleep and I pray you lord my soul to keep, but if I shall die before I wake, I pray you Lord my soul to take.

After a while you realize that you’re stuck in the hospital for a while. In the hospital I met an Angel, and her name was Sarah. She was in the room next to me and she had leukemia too. She was a very sweet girl and we had fun together, she helped me not to feel as different. We shared a lot of things like pizza parties, we played in the art room and we gave each other the drugs that were impossible to take. It seemed much easier to swallow when she gave them to me, compared to 5 nurses holding me down while they poured it down my throat. Out of all my friends on the fourth floor she was the best. She was an amazing friend even if she was only 3.

But eventually all angels must go back to heaven. And about a year later my angel Sarah went back to heaven. She died in her sleep, because the doctors failed to find a match for her bone marrow transplant. It made me sad just to look at the empty bed on that fourth floor in room 420. Although it was 10 years ago that she died I will always remember her because she will forever be in my heart.

And even though she died along with other people I cared about like my friend Sister Jacklyn, death never crossed my mind. After her death I still never lost hope, and I promised never to give up. And even after I relapsed and had to start all over again, I promised myself to keep on fighting until I was just like everyone else again, until I could wake up in my own bed and run free without that ****** IV. No matter how painful a struggle no matter how long, I would have fought to eternity to be healthy again.

I was just a young child when I was first diagnosed with leukemia. A young girl who’s fate would have brought her to the grave. But look at me now. I am standing here in front of you and although I may be far different from all of you on the outside, I am still a person on the inside. My physical scars in time will heal, but my emotional scars will remain forever.

HTTP://www.******-in-oncology.com
Marina Kay Mar 2014
Just when I thought I had it all
perfectly encased,
clutter free,
the loose string of my life came undone
leaving a dome of rubble at my feet.
Nevermore saw it coming,
nevertheless expected it.
Never asking why,
I accepted it.

I won't yield in self-pity
nor wither in pain.
Dusting the ashes,
getting back in the game.
I won't let your fire catch me.
I won't be burned alive.

I am a warrior
and I will survive.
Dear cancer, I won't let you **** me.
Zoie Marie Lynn Aug 2018
hi my name is broken and
i once caught my father using all his teeth hands lip and tongue on a woman that was not his own
outside my bedroom window,
i spent the night trying to convince myself that
love is real love is real love is real
because after that i wasn’t ever really sure.

hi my name is survivor and
i was once a punching bag for my stepfathers anger and houses in the country will forever terrify me
all because of a random man and his prying fingers and his sticky gum,
and then there’s this third set of bones and dark flesh that made me so afraid of my own skin i had to tell myself
i am beautiful i am beautiful i am beautiful
because hate and death wasn’t my only option.

hi my name is butterfly and
i once broke every bone in my body falling so hard for a girl with the loveliest voice i’ve ever heard but she had other bodies underneath her
thick brown belt
she wouldn’t let herself feel all the things i felt,
i spent thanksgiving in a mental hospital chanting over and over
i am lovable i am lovable i am lovable
because without even trying, she had managed to convince me that i wasn’t.

hi my name is destroyer and
i chose water over blood because blood burned and drowned and buried me ten feet down all at the same time and i didn’t want to die because of them
anymore
i split in half all the walls and windows and doors to my home,
i needed to do and be what was best for me so i told myself again and again
i’m not alone i’m not alone i’m not alone
because all i felt was the aftermath of being the very thing that broke up my home.

hi my name is lover and
i tend to give too much of me way too quickly because i don't fall in love, i dive with feet facing the sky, head towards the concrete
and i wonder how i end up being so broken and incomplete
so i wound up all the glue and all the tape,
i muttered over and over in between each breath
fate isn't fake fate isn't fake fate isn't fake
because my heart always seemed to pound a few beats behind, a few beats too late.

hi my name is suicide and
i stepped in front of trains and bullets and knives and i hate yous and you’re nothings all looking for a father that
never really wanted me
he broke my throne, i cut more than just my hair, i no longer want to be here,
and i screamed at the top of my lungs because
it’s worth it it’s worth it it’s worth it
it just doesn’t feel like it anymore.
it's been such a long time, i don't feel the same.
Morning sun falls upon my face
The signs of summer dance around the room
A new day is here.

The sun stretches its warm fingers to the four corners of my room
My rested eyes flutter open
A new day is here.

I fling the covers off me
The dust flies up and then down like snow flakes
A new day is here.

I stretch my back and bones
Reaching for the sky and the ground
A new day is here.

I flop back on my bed
The dust flies around me
A new day is here.

Morning sun falls upon my face
The signs of summer dance around the room
A new day is here.

All today’s thoughts
All today’s problems are now yesterday’s memories
A new day is here.
Read more at http://******-in-oncology
L Jun 2018
i feel like i’m made of glass
and last february,
you broke me.
i shattered.

you didn’t know
and you didn’t care
and you just. kept. pushing.

i broke into a million jagged pieces
and you
you took some of them with you.
i can’t get them back
and i’m not ****** enough to try.

you shattered me
and i was careless enough
to cut myself in the wreckage.

nothing was the same.

you broke me when i said no
and i thought
maybe
i could put myself back together
by saying yes--
again, and again, and again.
to strangers.
to friends.
to anyone who would listen,
and now all of my bridges are in flames
and i’m getting burned.

do you know what happens to burning glass?
i do.
it’s happening to me

and i’m starting to fly away in the wind,
slipping through my own fingers
like sand on the beach.
scattered so far
and so wide
that finding my way back together is like searching
for a single grain
on the ocean floor.

i'm drowning in my past
searching
for a lifeline
reaching for anything--
for anyone--
that will take me
that will tape me back together
Tommy Randell Aug 2017
I want to eat again at my Mother's table,
Be lost in those unending fables.
Difficult though to talk about the Man in the room
That shadow standing upright in the gloom -

There are many endings to a line,
First choose the moment, then the time.

Why go there, why find the past at all?
Convince me this present needs a re-install -
Do you say perhaps this is how things are meant to be,
That victims after all never write their history?

There are are many endings to a line,
Our memories were never made as shrines -

I will not live in an undiscovered past,
Time has loopholes that unwind at last,
That only those who lived it may observe
An eloquence of choices no-one heard -

The measured man has all his life complete
When shadows stand at last upright in the light?

I want to heal this broken picture book,
What really came of all the hurt I took,
What happened to make me write this poem,
How only the Truth makes sense of where I'm going -

I will disclose the brutalities and facts
I will not live in an undiscovered past !

Tommy Randell 08th August 2017
Difficult to write ...
Bury me like any other
Bury me like I have no mother.
Bury me an urchin that has no father
Bury me a drowned soul, a fish out of water.

Bury me indifferent to the pain
Bury me amidst the pouring rain,
Bury me pure & innocent
Bury me worthless, I’m not worth a cent.

Bury me taking all I could
Bury me hopeless and misunderstood,
Bury me with blood that smells sweet
Bury me and put my soul to sleep.

But bury me in my own ****** pain and misery
And bury me a stranger because you never knew me!
Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
I live alone, I live a lie
Awaiting the day I say goodbye
Whenever I turn around disaster strikes,
Pins and needles, knives and spikes.

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse
I’m smacked in the face with this curse
Whirled around till I’m miserable once more,
Shaken until my body collapses on the floor.

In my room I can escape
And mold my worries into shape
I cry in pain until I just can’t any more
And listen to music to ease the sore.

Knowing it will all come back again
Sunshine pierced by pouring rain
Like tears of sadness splashing down on joy
Emotions are unpredictable as a toy.

At its mercy like a puppet on a string
A trapped dove without wings
On my head, always alone
Maybe one day I can fly home.
Fly high looking down on this pain,
Maybe one day I’ll be happy again.
Read more at http://www.******-in-oncology.com
Rai Oct 2018
Time whirls past at a significant speed
Atoms dancing within the miracle we call our lives
Lines on faces appear from all the laughter we share
Tears no longer etch our pain but release and surrender to something so pure you can almost mould it within your palms
To truly love all that is part of this world
The duality framed within understanding
Feeling blessed
Every soul that has breathed upon my moments and shared in my sunrises
I bless you and the unique moments you have brought  
Hold fast and I send love to all who live with sorrow in their hearts
Yesterday I lived many lives
I had many faces
And now I help the universe to mould the future
For what are we here for
If not to remember
If not to surrender
If not to release and burn down those barricades
That keep us so trapped to a moment that no longer bares credence on our time
Live full
Live so full
The tears I catch from the sky are tainted by your love  
Live so full that the survivor within you can no longer sit in shadows believing he is a fool
For you are a king , a queen
You are
As I am I
Don't burn your butterfly wings on the heat of the moment when you can be filling the world with the beauty that is you **
DJ Brewer Mar 12
Fight or flight
That was my plight
Distracted driver
Temporarily took my power
Praying for sleep
Counting the sheep
It’s like treading water in the deep
Can I keep pushing through?
Not sure quite what to do

Visions of chrome grills
Drenched with chills
Flashback night
Nightmare day
Will this ever go away?

EMDR
Got back to driving the car
Taking buspar
Have I come that far?

One foot in front of the other
A daily mantra loaned by my brother
It’s important to only focus on today
It’s all we have, wise people say

Life is an ongoing journey
So very grateful for His mercy
I continue to battle and refuse to cower
After all, I’ve learned I’m no fragile flower
Ivan Brooks Sr Sep 2018
I'm not a writer trying to share a story,
I'm a survivor telling you a true story.
I'm not just a poet having fun and living,
I saw bad things when I was younger.
That was when things were harder.
when women and old people were helpless and young people were hopeless.
It was that time when good parents were powerless to protect their underage girls from **** and molestation at the hands of drugged-up child soldiers with bloodshot eyes.
I did something other boys were too scared to do,
I turned into a man
and took survival into my hands.
It was that time when men and women used the same place to bathe and go to the loo.

I saw many many hungry people
eating palm cabbage and wild grasses
malnourished children and dying people.
I saw hands chopped off with cutlasses.
I saw thousands of families separated
and fathers killed or incarcerated.
I saw silly young men pick up arms
and chopped off people's limbs
like hideous things were their aims.

I saw really bad things
and cried to God for wings
like an angel to fly away
because I saw no other way.
I saw people running to God
and getting murdered in his church.
I don't know, but he didn't say a word
It's like He just sat down and watch?

I saw bad things
I planned my escape from poverty,
from a war-torn country.
It was that time when your parents, who come from the same generation as I, were looking up to their mom's for breast milk.
It was that time when no one wore silk,
it was a time of fear,it was wartime.
It was that time when bullets determined eating time and bedtime.
It was that time when pretty boys had nothing in their wallets.
It was that time when PYJ ate dinner
and played gospel on his guitar like he was our savior and not a sinner.

© IvanBrooksPoetry
12/9/2018
This is about my bad wartime memories from my war-torn native Liberia. This encompasses mere poetry,it's a true story of the hideous crimes committed by young drugged up child soldiers commandeered by the notorious warlord, Prince Y Johnson(PYJ)..this is in essence, not a poem,it's an extension of the untold stories of the Murdered peoples of Liberia and women and girls ***** and abused by this heartless murdered, still running free and enjoying impunity...it's for the most part, a poetic version of their cries ...This is a true story of the two hundred and fifty thousand innocent souls lost in my country...this a cry for Justice!
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