Karijinbba Jul 11
Tactics of war elements of surprise all that show so much love shown fifty red and white Roses and my twenty year old letter up on top of them thats how the love of my life dived into my heart and soul to be very sure if I loved him how deep mind body spirit, if I lived in our world of unreality in an old script he forgot he wrote a letter saying he had gotten married and If I would  share him I had no idea his letters had been chronological by design I mis interpreted his message I thought he had a wife already his destiny and he said to move forward to move on not to look back that he was a one woman man. I thought who can live in his love without him oh God how do I die? I wll do best doing as i learned when living at the monastery as a child a terrible amnesic shock is easier
then dying so I put everything to sleep and despair was no more he was just Rhett buttler Clark Gable reincarnation i was Scarlet but in this life I wasnt greedy and i loved the Rhett in him where
did I exist all my life to anyone? I was a shadow he had treated me like garbage and here my true loves other face and the same showing me his
Mask off putting me on a pedestal in a public place he had found no love in me in setting him free in any other place in my world before he thought only bad things of me
I had to FIND his love in his loving DEEDS I was in such a shock I lost it! I hid his love so deep I couldnt even reach it myself I adored him even if he never did i still do I  couldn't show him in words I couldnt ask him for what i thougt i didnt deseserve with him marriage I let all other good people down I couldn't even cry in his beast and vinagar if only he'd given me a Rett to Scarlett type hug and cuddle me as he re appeared  so suddently so loving ever patient God like man yet so stern so public from his heaven to my hellish existance, lack to abundance every womans dream
what dreams may come was my world I got there all for not saying three words he longed to hear me say and couldnt imagine how easy he was to love easy to retain by saying "I Love U" he had no idea I had committed suicide and felt betrayed that in hell one
lives in the immigrant like a  shadow struggling to survive just to stay alife his light blinded me I just could not see that he was my shinning knight to rescue me for the price of one I LOVE YOU
and giving him just my heart of Gold. i
Instead of that bg show to swip me away why not just ask me to marry him? Ah because it wasn't in the script. It was twenty years later bend the rule a little someone please why not tell me let's dance all night with the Violins let's get married to happy ever after.
https://deref-gmx.com/mail/mobile/AFRayIKsgvI/deref/?redirectUrl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DG-3T72PG08I
I'll save the poems of deepest despair
for when you are dead or gone.
You are my only friend and someday
I might be your wife if you survive.
I'm committed to you for the long term.
Today I have logged out of all my
Social media accounts I won't return.
I don't want to see my nieces and
nephews grow up on Facebook
knowing I'll never see them in real life.
I don't want to deal with my Aunts
bouts of jealousy because she is being
mentally abused by her husband.
I don't want to feel a hacker looking
over my shoulder when I like a post.
I don't want to be reminded of all the
people who won't talk to me because
I don't have a job and think I'm the blame.
Facebook calls them friends.
Instagram calls them followers.
To me it's all the same they are fake.
I'm most likely fake to them too.
Honestly people it isn't an insult.
The hacker has won because I'm back
inside of my cave once again.
It's amazing how isolating social media is.
God won't answer my prayers for peace
but I don't believe he is mean at all.
Someday there won't be anymore
humans in my life that is a fact.
I doubt that I'll survive but then
again everyone has to die someday.
The feeling of wanting to die is
like crashing through a glass door.
Maybe I am more emotional
because I am going down to a
Lower dose of prednisone but
this doesn't make all that I wrote
any less true.
English Jam Apr 2
This desolate road seems forever long
And my worn feet will carry me through the ruin
All alone, but if you had heard my song
You might just understand why I’m doing
Maybe I’m the strongest person of us all
Maybe you’re used to me being alone
But that doesn’t mean that when I take a fall
I can survive, live on my own

Noticing someone else’s suffering is hard
Wrapped up in your troubles, with an aching heart
But if you open your eyes, you’ll see a man apart
If you can call me a man, I guess

Walking round with an unchanged expression
Ducking and keeping away from the deed
You might think it’s all to get attention
And you’re right, but that’s what I need
I knew a group of people whom my heart held dear
I loved them, and I love them still
But they weren’t there for me in my time of fear
Now I’m not gonna bend my will

How many days of quiet can I keep?
How many hours can I lay and dream?
How long can I hide away and weep?
Before you realise I’m not at best

So it’s time to say fare thee well
Don’t know where I’m strolling in my daze to
Just gonna follow my path down the well
See if it’s someplace new
So I’ve thought it through and through again
No pleading will make me change my head
Maybe, before, if I had a friend
But now, it’s too late to hear what I’ve said

The love I have for you will always burn
But my back’s to you, and I’ll always turn
If you haven’t figured it out, you’ll never learn
I want a hug, but I’m drowning in my sleepiness
My attempt at doing something Bob Dylan-ish and using my suicidal thoughts productively all at once
Ice cream is sweet and quite the treat
A savory delight I crave at night
At almost any time and any where,
it is worth to desert for this dessert.
Some keep it vanilla while others want a twist.
Sometimes it's good to mix or other wise switch.
Maybe you're kinky; can't resist other flavored dishes?

What if you were denied it or could no longer find it?
Omg how I'd crave its taste, but at least I'd lose weight.
Other substitutes are lame and aren't quite the same.
Regardless, I would survive and still be able to thrive.

Why is sex so different?

It's a biological need you'll probably say,
so you, can't compare the two.

I disagree completely.

Though we'd all prefer not to be lacking,
it's not as if we'd die for wanting.
Additionally, people have lived ascetically
and have been perfectly fulfilled and happy.
Those kinds of people aren't born that way,
but rather we are conditioned to be sex crazy.
We are made to feel as if
we are measured by who or how many we've been with.
It is validation we truly desire
and to know we always matter.
And though sex is one of life's greatest gifts,
it does not give your life an overarching bliss.
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