a person disappears.
their life, and the lives they touched,
transformed in an instantaneous destructive silence,
their souls unreachable
she is there when I go to sleep
and gone when I awake
and I can't make art about this
it's not for this.
I feel lost and alone
in a hostile world that does not make sense
and I feel as if we are all tumbling into darkness
one by one
I hold on tight
I want to take this world apart but I feel weak and powerless to do this
I want never to be ashamed of this part of my life again; never to hide
Caroline and ****** were not ashamed
and if there is one single solitary thing I can do
it would be to carry this on for them, to refuse to hide
who I am
who they were
who we are
Do what it takes to survive this.
Do any ****** thing it takes.
I refuse "Live Fast, Die Young."
Live Hard, Live Long.
Live hard, live long, feel pain, go on, wake up, keep going, keep going, keep going, grow old, keep going, spit blood at the camera, outlive all friends, last woman alive, unending desert, so many stars, limitless, endless stars, throne standing alone in the desert, and yourself, alive and ravishing.
I loved Caroline and ******
but I refuse to follow them.
I must hold on.
on july 15th, i learned my close friend ****** had ended her life. her girlfriend had ended her life about a month and a half before that. they are both gone now. i wrote this two days later.
i borrowed some from john darnielle here. i give my respect and thanks to him.