I just sent an email to my Mom.
Part of me feels it
Part of me wonders if I'm overdramatic
I feel like shit.
Like, I feel different than when I felt depressed
But this is still not a place I want to be
I never feel ok anymore.
I'm not even sure what ok feels like.
I keep wanting to drink for all the wrong reasons
I never get drunk
But I always want to reach that happy nirvana
That "tipsy enough to forget all your worries" place
There's something seriously wrong with me
I haven't actually talked to my family in AZ for over a month
I schedule skype dates with a woman I'll probably never see again
More than I do with my own father.
What type of shit is that?
I looked at porn, I fucked myself today.
I feel like the biggest piece of shit this planet has seen.
I also lack self forgiveness.
I got an email back from a priest today.
I told him I'd be interested in joining the priesthood
I realized I might have been lying,
I don't even know!
I feel like I'm sitting on my thumb,
Trying to figure out the world as it
Races by me,
Unwilling to stop and allow me to catch my breath
Or read the signs or understand a damn shred of anything
This is what I'm talking about
Part of me feels this,
And the other part just scoffs, and says I'm melodramatic
Pick yourself up
Dust yourself off and figure out
what the hell you're doing
I feel so alone anymore.
Like, if there's not someone by my side
I somehow lack basic humanity.
Like I need someone to be there
If they aren't, I'm obviously not worth much
I closed the blinds four different times today.
I didn't want the neighbors to see my actions.
After a certain point, I closed them to watch a movie
And I haven't opened them back up,
it would probably cheer me up a great deal
This is probably one of the longest "poems"
I've ever written.
It's not poetry, it's freestyle
Not like it matters,
It's like an art major defining the different strokes that an artist used in a painting
Like I give a damn
It's still a painting
Lent is one of the hardest times of the year.
I feel it with every fiber of my being.
Nothing about this situation makes me feel ok.
I feel out of body, out of mind, out of soul.
I'm pretty sure, at this point, St. Peter wouldn't let me in.
In my heart of hearts I want it desperately, but
The rest of me still says no.
I'm so messed up it's ridiculous.
And I sent an email to my mom chronicling her son's failures
Her son's issues,
Needs to go back to a counselor
Because I'll be damned if he's not "fixed" yet.
This is me being completely honest. I'm in a pretty bad place right now. This was therapeutic to write, and while I don't know if anyone can "enjoy" it, know that I hope it reaches you in a way that helps you.