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8/22/17

I can't stop thinking about you. Since the first moment I met you you're a constant in my head. Why? What is it about you that leaves a lingering effect? I don't want this. I keep dreaming of you, it isn't always the same. You're the closest thing to me in some, in others you're the furthest thing I can see that's still in focus. Round and round and round and round you spin in my head. I don't even know what exactly I'm thinking of when I'm thinking of you. I spend my time thinking about not thinking about you and I'm caught in a loop of you. I hope you're ok, I hope you’re safe, I hope you've eaten today, I hope you sleep well, I hope you're healthy. When will these feelings and thoughts fade? How can I spend so much time thinking about someone to whom my existence is much too much to even acknowledge? I don't hate you for this, but it still hurts. All my 11:11's are spent on you. I wish clarity, I wish stability, I wish happiness, and I wish love for you with whomever or whatever it is...

-JCM-
Kara Jean May 2016
I see the purpose now
Those who use insecurities
Those who are condescending
They only put fear into their coffee
A fear that someone will see the world's opportunity
Bitterness has never been fact nor reality
Their statements will never be anymore, always less stability
Turn their sentences into silence and keep smiling
Never let someone's weakness destroy your happy
em Nov 2015
Anger is a little boy in a ripped jacket
who plays tag with Stability too close to a cliff.

Confusion is a child with tangled hair and a purple shirt
who enjoys running circles around Content turning
her flower crowns into razor blades.

Depression is a pale girl with sad eyes who plays
red light green light with Happiness near that old garden
they called Eden who lately seems to be dying.
Hello lovely people! I hope you enjoy!!!
Zane Sep 2016
you boarded my ship when it was sinking so fast
i was so very certain you'd drown with it.
time passes
and i find my vessel mended more and more each day

i've been taught most of my life
to fear stability;
for it seemed as if instability, however dangerous
was more desirable that fleeting stability

but now that i find the earthquakes have begun
to decrease in intensity
ever so slowly

i am still left to ask
is this forever?
have i found that which i've been longing for ages to find?

it terrifies me so, but fills me with what i can only surmise is that which i dreamt about as a child

security. home. a chance at peace.

i wake from sleep, to remember dreams of our adventures
i wake from sleep, to be for, if only once, hopeful about the future
i wake from sleep, to know that i find solace in another
i wake from sleep, to that i am loved, as much as i love

i wake from sleep, to know that one day, when the storms have subsided, you will be there, holding my hand, as I walk up the final hill of my lifelong struggle.
Lizzy Jan 2015
You wrote songs for me,
You’d give everything for my heart.
A month went by,
We could no longer stand being apart.

You made the trip to see me,
And took my breath with your kiss.
We were so in love,
How the **** did it come to this?

You knew I was weak,
And couldn’t stand being alone.
Without you nothings right,
You were my only home.

I got scared when the night came,
I needed you so bad, and you weren’t there.
Sitting here tearing myself apart.
Screaming prayers but I knew you wouldn’t care.

You weren’t there and it broke my heart,
You promised me you’d always be.
You said you were going to get me out of here.
You said you still loved me but I couldn’t see.

I thought love was supposed to heal,
And for a while it did.
If this is love, how could it hurt so bad?
I told you to leave, you said “take care of yourself kid”.

And you’re probably right,
It wasn’t our time.
But how could I “take care”
When you weren’t mine?

It came down to the fact
Being with you hurt just as bad
As being without you.
I’m trying to forget everything we had.

Because the memories are what hurt the most,
We were kids high from love, some ****** kid.
I need to forget so I can live again,
But life won’t be the same, if we end up like this.

You made me say “forever”,
When you said “always”.
I still hope forever will happen,
I really thought it would end up that way.

Maybe I’ve been ******,
Just some heartbroken fool.
A naïve idiot,
But now I cry at school.
I can’t get through a day,
Without wishing you were here.
Without feeling so lost I can’t breathe.
I know I ****** it up with my fear.

“Don’t beat yourself up”,
But I’m overcome with guilt.
Beating myself up is what I do best.
I thought I could stop it with the wall I built.

But you got in my veins,
I don’t know how it happened.
I was so careful,
But this is the end.

Isn’t it?
Or will you be back?
Please keep your promise,
I need it so bad.

I need stability,
But this love is ******* crazy.
Euphoria and pain,
But it’ll be okay, maybe?
Hunter Taylor Feb 14
please excuse my miscommunication
I didn't need it growing up
all I needed was the consistent dedication
to escape from where I was

please look past my fragile heart
it grew in place of the stone
I don't care about my emotionless art
by to lose the few hits solid bone

reprieve the foundation I can never find
stability was never my forté
I seek instead for a solid state of mind
or at least that's what I claim

forgive me for my transgressions
they were not meant in vain
I don't live up well to expectations
I only thinly mask their blame
Pagan Paul May 2018
.
Aimlessly wandering
   with a feeling of agitation,
      caught somewhere between
         browsing with interest
            and prowling with intent.

Distressed and unsettled
   like anticipating trauma,
      mooching with an emotion
         that something is imminent
            yet its nature remains veiled.

The horizontal line defines a stability and yet,
it has started to list off to one side.
Tiny perforations promise fragmented logic
by osmosis revealing the storm implied.
The tap of excitable energy is dripping slow
threatening balance with a flood rip tide.
Empathy walks with the expectant father pacing
and coils of despair knot so deep inside.

A nervous anxiety
   grips psychology and waits,
      caught somewhere between
         bleak submissive acceptance
            and stark ***** panic.



© Pagan Paul (22/05/18)
.
nish Jul 2018
you make a wish
upon a star
but little do you know
another being, far away
is wishing on it too

perhaps there is
the slightest chance
both wish for one same thing
like ending hunger, poverty
lack of education
or economic stability

but each of us
will take the time
wishing for our own

all i know is human nature
differs prayer from a wish
when we pray, we ask that god
bless all that is amiss
but when we wish upon a star
all thought for others leave
we wish only for ourselves
its what we've come to be.
for wishes seem so magical
and give our childish hearts some hope.
Kara Jean Jun 2016
Genetically built ******, so they say
Christian dysfunctional stability,
wasn't helping
A mom praying every night for a force reckoning
Shoving me into the light,
I've already seen
A mothers nightmare,
already in the making
I convinced myself:
Compulsive
Impulsive and
Explosive
Creates constructive thinking
I guess what I'm saying is,
"**** it, I'm unique"
Lacey Clark Oct 2018
Raised faux-religiously in a catholic school by convenience of neighborhood (though, I loved the plaid and I wanted to do Eucharist but my mom explained I wasn't catholic, so I dabbled with the hymns and cursive) by my two *** moms and some 'extra kids' (fostering, etc) in Spokane. Homeschooled later (and seriously religiously, Vacation Bible School, NO HARRY POTTER and no saying '******', a lot of neighborhood scootering) by uncle auntie and my two home-made and hilarious cousins (siblings) in Nevada. another private school in the Wild West with my grandpa and grandma (maybe religiously? they took me out to Mexican dinner religiously). And scattered across the West, Mid-West and South for all the rest. Public schools interwoven and equally traumatizing in between states.
One school in florida was known for fist fights and head lice. I kissed my first boy there. and girl. I left for what I thought was summer vacation and never came back. Another accidental move.
I had been squeezed in-between the palms of each coast for high school (plopped in the midwest).
In Wisconsin, I popped like a pimple and broke some major skin. Tried to end my life a few times. Psych ward after psych ward. Pills. Pills. Pills! A nurse took me aside and said "i have hope for you" and it was the first time i felt seen. met hard drugs to replace the cutting- they felt like long lost friends. Easy to pick up.
And recovery was like feeling your face after a satisfying shaving... and not a scratch since.
Now gliding along the West Coast in Academia's matrix. Politics and community engagement and the center. Clean. In the Heart of the City. Biking with helmets. Shoebox studio apartments. Nose in book, nose in food. Day job with a class of kids who I love and who love me. Space to grow, assess, reshape. Optimism. Peace. Stability.
sophie mechaune Oct 2018
rhythm is
comfort
and predictability
stitching my days together
through the notion
of repeating the motions
an illusion of stability,
but no matter the way I
structured my day
no matter the perfection
I strived to attain
no matter how many
unkempt strings I cut away
I think deep down I knew
that life
should be a little frayed

as counterintuitive as it seems
the unexpected becomes
the rhythm of dreams
ripping through the routine
changing the patterns
of what I planned to be
into new designs entirely

so I embrace this chaotic beauty
with its endearing knots and
erratic threading, ready for
living imperfectly
balanced in the uncertainty
is rhythm
McKayla Henry May 2018
Lace on my thighs and fringe around my neck,
more is revealed than the flowing crimson blood.
Bleeding deeper and deeper with every slowed breath.

Deeper than the girls I see with their shoulders against the wall,
the dream girls with their purple hair and tattered tights.
My neck growing saturated with strawberry nightmares,
but at least they like my tattoos.

I feel the black cats circling my ankles,
cries of hunger and any form of normalcy or stability.
It feels familiar, like a hymn from my childhood
throbbing between my ears.

Overlooking other's carnage is easy, until it's your own.

I don't know what this means, but it comforts me.
Sally A Bayan Jun 2018
* * *
* *
*

Faces of friends, of people i met earlier
are  glittering stars on this late evening's
dark blue sky...their smiles are tattooed
in my mind...they're  hunched, going
lower by the days...slowed down by years.
it must be hard and painful...the arching,
the drooping of the neck, the curving spine,
they endure all, 'til each day's end...they rise
each new dawn...do what they still can do,
lest they stagnate in their aging ponds,
diminish to a state, where food, pills, or
forgotten information are forced on them,
......like drugs, injected into the veins

........................
these wee hours bring back the years...
they  have been good...never mind the
hard times...there were, there are good ones
life is a long, wide stream of changing hues,
flowing on and on....my water bears the
colors each new day brings...gray, at times
with sadness and gloom....other days,
blacked by despair...some summers, red,
roseate with glee, or green with life and
hope...blue, when trust is spilling, and
the tranquil sea and sky overwhelm,
with a promise of stability..........white,
when accepting......the unacceptable...
........................
the amber grains and i, are alike
ripened enough to be plucked
be pulled out from an existence...the
signs are known...shown...yet, we wait
for when it is due to happen...and while
waiting, the stalks sway, play and dance  
and enjoy the sun and wind...and i,
while i still can...walk, jump, climb hills
and valleys in this mammoth space
of land and water.............called life
...................
the sounds of my days, i still hear,
i am a lute, a harp, a cello...playing
off-key.....out of tune at times,
my strings are my graying hair,
i still can't stop dying the gray
i still want to highlight the dark,
but, one day, all these will cease...
............
one night, my face will be in one of those
many stars...glittering on a dark blue sky
sending a smile, to my loved ones...
...................
there is no other way, but forward
all are headed....towards an end...


Sally



© Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
      June 26, 2018
...ahhh, the rains...do make us reflect longer on life...
never content:
withholding love out of what?
fear? envy? greed? sadness?

how i long for peace, stability and change...

a constant contradiction. barreling from heart to heart -
never finding ground long enough to lose myself
in someone else’s arms.

feelings stronger after i tear them out.

have to look at them in the air in front of my eyes.
bleeding, dripping their blood on the carpet,
heart beating in my hands.
to be clinically inspected and torn apart
only to discover that this was what i wanted all along.

like a tree, felled to tell its age,
dead, but finally understood.
too late to say,
“ah! look how old it’s branches, how deep its roots, how wonderful it’s shade!”

dead. dead and decomposing on the floor.

will i always glorify love lost over love in front of my eyes?
an outburst found in my notes. dated 3rd nov 2018. I will wreck this, and it will be ****.
Matadi Aug 2018
You get me, more than i know
At-times so unappreciative
So unaware and blinded by doubt
My shallow thoughts travels like lighten

You are my friend and lover in both
Yet i will not utter those words to complete you
Selfishly i maliciously plot to have All of your being

You lack the traits to complete my structured mind
I desire stability, though i love your agility
Olivia Daniels May 2018
I can’t get my brain
To shut the **** up.

I don’t want to talk right now. please leave me alone. it isn’t you i
  promise, it’s me and
N othing can stop me from thinking that it’s my fault and
  everything is my fault. why are things this way and why did i
  lose you and my friends? i can’t help but think and
F eel depressed because i love you. i don’t want to lose you but i
  have and i’m not happy, i’m almost never happy anymore. or
  maybe i never was. emotions exhaust me but they’re all i know. i
  don’t usually get angry but when i do i go off and
J ust shut up! you’re wrong, i’m right. why can’t you see that? i
  need structure, it’s how i function and you are so incredibly
  unpredictable which excites me, even if no one knows, because
  that’s risky and i like new adventures but i need stability which
  my life, my existence, can’t provide

because i’m too complicated to make sense,
My life is contradictory
I took the MBTI test and got INFJ which help me understand so much more about myself then I ever have before. I highly recommend it to everyone, as long as you answer honestly, it's good to help you understand yourself
Katarina Jul 2017
Dust the base of my spine
In red sparks of Jasper
The cherry of a cigarette on a
Smoky quartz

Stability.

And then you progress
Caress my lower abdomen
Make me contract and shake, in infinite bliss
And lay me in a field of orange marigolds

Sensuality.

****** the naval centre -
My life principles of power and identity
Melted away
In the honey calcite that drips in pearls

Power.

528 Hertz, you vibrate
The frequency that renews the very
Physical matter of my vessel,
My coded waves

Love.

My throat, where you talk your wisdom
Lace my waist in agate
And your hand circles the point of serenity
Teeth in the butter soft skin

Truth.

And then you kiss me
On the forehead between the eyes
Those eyes that transform to yours,
When I open my third, and see the indigo

Insight.

Shatter, shatter the shards through the finality
The barrier of quartz and clarity
And melt into my Sahasara
And we become knowing.

One.
I love the idea of us
having a place of our own
somewhere to share discussions
about the meaning of life
and drink good wine
a place we can hide
from the world
and all of it's cruelties

I imagine us choosing the paint
or the perfect coffee table
being content with the small act
of decisive stability
we chose to be there
together
in the place
that feels like home
A Poem a Day: Day dreaming home
Sutherland Dec 2018
I walk blindly through beauty.
I numbly touch its fur.
I exhale its fragrance.

To drift is to be sure.

My vision is cut short,
that of a pin,
sculpted,
chiseled,
cut down.
Brown is my vision,
defined by the words within.

between the two,
I am.

Stability in the binding,
the spine, I bend.

The cover, my beginning.
The back, my end.
I wrote this poem from my perspective of a person in a religion. How they limit their interaction with the world around them because their bible doesn't allow them to see it.
Lys Jun 2018
Dipped under the current
smoothed pebbles mud-slide
down the creak's entryway
into the lake.
Depositing into the soil
only to be tussled about by our waves.
We swim vigorously
reaching for stability
breathing deeply,
accepting black dirt
filling our mouth
and claiming our lungs.
Striking against my body
was a warrior in pain.
As if healing only meant
pushing others
far away.
Floating down the stream
of confounding affection,
tree branches, and silt
barricade the movement
of my recollection,
of the pebble to the lake,
how far we've swum without
claiming our state.
Looking the other way,
we allowed it.
Further and further out,
knowing we could only swim so far,
we kept our hearts under t
                                               h
                                                 e
                                                   surface.
And our thoughts stranded at bay.
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