Embracing my pain🖤

[I always wondered what it was to be cared, loved and be petted. I grew up in disgrace, scolded and treated unwell. I was blackmailed, bullied and forced beyond my limits.]

The childhood which was sweet for everyone was not for me!
Neither appreciated nor saw me as a young girl.
All I was a trash.
I really feel guilt and was I burden always.
Why did you give me birth in this earth?

As days passed by, I was not recognised by any one.
I felt I was a shadow submerged in this dark.
I had no value, and felt like an extra.

Sometimes thought I should have made a full stop long back.

To me childhood was full of responsibilites.
Why did not god gift me with love but pain, no smiles but fakes and at last a life when i didn't ask an one???

Responsibilites and priorities snatched my years of joy till now!
I don't know what its to be a kid nor to be loved by.
I always gave but not got anything in turn neither did I expect cause love can be also one side.

But, all I can feel as days flew by was nothing but emptiness, numbness, no emotion, simply pain but covering them with a fake smile so ppl around me don't get hurt!

Sleepless nights, but no one knows why pillows are stained, sometimes neither I do.
No one knows, how I plead for love, but is forced to act not and strong always.
No one knows how my mood swings but called rude cause I don't wanna hurt anyone at that moment!
No one tries to know cause they think I am cool and my life is perfect which I pretend the most.

Now days are getting slower and nights longer. I don't know where I belong.

I feel like nothing. Though people love me, I am scared to trust, that I neglect them and move afar so they wont be hurt because of me. My heart is into pieces and I know that I can still pretend stronger and fine.

Why, where and how did I come to this miserable world which should have been so simple. Can no one hear the silent cries Or is this the fate of us.

I am being a ghost alive and the shadows so deep in me are leaving behind.

Even I don't know who I am/ for I am suppressed and not moulded, for I am snatched and did not live.

Maybe the curse of birth is the cause and its ok cause its not ok!

Why me? When all i did and still do is place rest of the people first before me.

Why me? Cared to fix people heart from my own flesh

Why me? Thought people were true when they just used and manipulated me

Why me? When my childhood was a grave but still choosing to find peace.

Yes, I lost my HOPE.
And the desire to LIVE.
Just breathing, for the sake of my family

~Varsha Srinivasan 🖤