Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry. You don’t know how lovely you are. Thursday Feb 1st 2018
This is probably one of the hardest days of my life. Making this decision. I have a little one growing in me. And… I don’t want it. And if I really didn’t want it, why do I still cry from the fact that I could have it? If I really didn’t want it, why does it hurt so much to think of abortion. Why do I picture myself laying down on my blue and white carpet and holding my child over me? Why am I taking my child for a walk in the nature? Why am I singing about bumble bees to my sweet child? Why is yellow his/her favourite colour? Why do I picture the love of my life smiling? And why did he have to cry?... Maybe I’m selfish. And even though I know I’d be the best mom, the kindest mom, a nourishing mom, a loving mother that couldn’t let go of her or his little fingers; I cannot now.
I could do what others do. I could have my family. I’ve sinned and haven’t forgiven myself yet. Probably because I know I’ll do it again. Though I’d have my child as the sweetest, I still carry bags of salt. Though I’d have a child that gives, I still carry bags of gold. Though I’ll fill the child with wisdom, truth, and goodness, I will still carry a heart of stone, and a mind of ego. Or maybe I just know myself too well, maybe I’m in tune with myself too much to know what’s right, maybe I can truly follow my instincts, and so I really feel like I can make the best decision.
My mother made me to save her. And I couldn’t save her. I never wanted to do the same mistake. And I need to be saved, anyway. Will I have this child? After all these thoughts written down. How can I decide. I’ve been convinced several times by several different people to keep it, and they’ll help me. But, I… just don’t want it. I’m not ready. It might never hear the soothings of my voice. It’ll never walk in the nature.
I take life very seriously and I value life. I don’t want to base my decisions on the advice of those who don’t have to deal with the results. It’s agony that I might have to carry my baby in my heart rather than my arms. But who really decides to carry this burden. I do. I get to decide all of it. Just like how I decide to be happy in life. Just how I decide the path I’ll chose tonight.
After thoughts:
When that child was in my yellow belly, it wasn't quite yellow at all. I felt all the eyes awaken when it was in me. My whole world spun and I didn't recognize where I was at. My streets were dark, I was stuck in the present moment, petrified. Sounds like I resisted? I did. It wasn't depression, but it was my soul speaking to me. My spirit create another. My conscious creating another. My blood creating a heart beat. It was much more complicated then any imagination. An empty void pretty much, possibly existing in a black whole, could be spiritual, could be a gift. Could I have handled this for 6 more months? Or, 20 more years? I wasn't passionate, but I felt it. I was it. I was creating it. It was in me. It was a meditation of spinning figure eights. It was a spider hatching out of his cocoon. It was confusing. That's when my 10th eye opened. I was traveling different dimensions for all I can say. I don't think most people are aware or even conscious of what's happening to the women's psyche when creating a child. Nobody ever told me these experiences. Nobody ever even shared an interest. Or was it just me?
This was the good decision I've made. I've experienced something a male scorpion couldn't possibly try to comprehend. But, a child, is another universe, another dimension, another perspective, another possibility of the infinite. Some things people that haven't experienced won't understand. I was not ready for it, but I'll know what's coming when I am ready. Valuing life is not a weakness. And disregarding it is not a strength. Next time you gamble, bet your own life.
