Restless/awake they live
in separation.


On his night stand there is a ring.
Thick and black and full of a promise.
Next to him, as he moves in his fitful sleep
there is only an empty half of the bed.
In dreams she's there
(all freckled kisses and soft hair.)
next to him.

Miles away she turns the ring on her finger.
Small and gold and half of a whole.
She smiles at the dark night sky,
knowing that somewhen he went to sleep
without her.
She knows he'll toss and turn
(his smoker's mouth like an urn)
and reach for her.

Love/longing they know
in isolation.

somewhen
in the vast crumbling timeline of the universe
13-year-old me is wondering
whether i exist.
4 years is a long time,
after all,
maybe enough to choose the exit,
leave the stage,
throw away everything
she is currently trying to hold together.

but here i am,
after all,
so she must have made it;
trekked through the perilous path of the future,
which is just another word for the unknown
which is just another word for nothing,
for empty,
and made it here.
and here is not a field of green,
exactly,
but maybe an oasis in the desert.

i am proud of her, even if
it is not halfway done,
even if the road stretches dark and endless,
even if she has brought with her nothing
but fistfuls of doubt
all her stupid starving for reassurance—
will i be here in 3 years?
in 5 years?
in 10?—
like a haunting hold,
a ghost.

but we have still made it,
after all.
for me,
and my 13-year-old spectre,
the question is not
how do you see yourself in the future
or where do you think you will be by then
or even what do you want to be doing in ten
but merely

will i see myself.
will i see myself.
will i get there.

A hole is not a whole
I have a hole
I’d prefer a whole to fill my hole
and make my sole soul
Whole

fear and sweat, flashin' gear
writin' rapz in hectic, but: yeaaah!
detached paramedics, but: yeeeah!
tizz alive, he and me, didn't die

who am i? will i be a version of me
free from dat ******* of abuse, b?
who would tell you the truth? me?
dunno, demons inside wear masks

they hide, whisper, mouth odor like gas
i'm behind, they passed by, they see,
know and feel dat i'm blind -- what is real?
and what's not? i know diz be god

"good" and "god" are like moon and sun
but if i use, then i run, will forget wise men
and it's bleeding through my eyes when
i'm unable to arise and sling like five men

codes from the land of oblivion
demons sending messages: dey fo'
da trashcan, you may be from aspen,
or a child of da bronx: good remains good

wrongs remain wrongs, stuck in-between
writing songs like cage fighters, man bites
dog, my weapon may be a pen or a glock:
if i do, use, take or abuse drugs: i'll fail

the loft, the jail, the yacht, the hate
hell ain't a snake pit but a desperate living,
shivering, lonely, no homeys, suffering
ignorant and angry, indifferent, cranky

still: a flickering, glimmering, somewhen

rock bottom, i hit it, my addict: i'm wit him
he within' me, steely and sneaky, peace
of ****, b, chasin' the thrill just to **** me
i will be dyin', will be fightin', skies brighten

no bullshittin, johnny weeks, so high,
delusional: "i'm a viking", drugs are unusual
why do i used dem as much dat i felt like
jim carrey as "truman" -- observed, being

followed; diz a good state to be in?
ya know da answer, my friend, shake
your own hand, accept ya name
leave da climate of coldness

diz requires boldness, but ya know what?
the addicted demons hate us like themselves
do not let 'em do dat
lock em in an inner shelf, wit a key

call it as you like, dear friend, i call it
"SELF-LOVE", ooooh boy: what a word,
what a term, your stomach may rage now:
fierce, furious demons being in flames

heaven yeah, let em burn, it's your turn,
put your life into god's hands, soft hands
clean yourself, wash ya hands, the
end of this poem must not be ours


**********      **

HELP: SOMETIMES IN PERSON, EVERY DAY ONLINE, CARING, FOR FREE. DON'T HESITATE TO MAIL ME, IN CASE YOU GOT ANY QUESTIONS. I WILL BE ANSWERING.

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"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff." -The Doctor in "Blink (2007)"

"Remember that time we.."
Her voice calls to me from tomorrow.
From yesterday. From a flat in England
in 1969, all **** carpets and counterculture.
All go-go boots and ginger hair.

"Can't wait till we.."
Her voice calls to me from today.
From nowhen. From the bed
a few blocks down the road.
All apologies and heretos
and whyfors.

"Spoilers.."
She says with a smile
that cracked on her face
yesterday and ends
somewhen.

your camouflage is spotless, babe
i want to reveal your inner
it's difficult to find you, babe
you revealed my inner last night

we are apart from each other
although we're sharing the same dreams
green ideas, arrival's smile
real laughter and toxic strangers

how can i find you between 'em?
how will i know that it's you then?
in the middle of my middle
eight syllables, i count on you

you're my lady but you're hidden
among buildings, streets and people
between the glimpses of despair
somewhen, never, always somewhere

the rouge of your bloodstream enchants
my wishes, longing, desire
in the moment of the key-night
we'll stand before our door, baby

maybe i've found you already
maybe you are my wife, baby
maybe you are my wife, baby
maybe i've found you already

A door without a handle,
widening without my control.
I peer into the night sky,
and newborn stars appear,
illuminating my night.

A warm light emanates,
an unseen corner of my heart.
Time moves silently.
The door open, the stars multiply, the light intensifies.

I feel alive, shining.
A brilliant moment.
A thrilling heartbeat.
Words vibrate with newness.

I want to feel you.
My fingers against your skin.
My lips in your hair.
Flesh vibrates with passion.

I feel you, carry you.
My special thought.
A warm caress.
Words glow with meaning.

A door without a handle,
closing without my control.
I peer into the night sky,
the stars look down,
highlighting my night.

The warm light persists,
unabated and bright.
Times moves silently.
The door shut, the stars endure, my heart brimming with light.

Push into my concave
Ripple off your hollow skull
Never met a fond slave
Lookin through a swallow hull

File down for plaster
Skinning clean your mended bone
Bringin down the rafters
Furnace of a heavy home

Call a little blow away to rock yourself to sleep
Soil over forty fay and sow just what you reap

**** the seed of prosper
Four entangled righteous ****
More than you could foster
Still, you might be over hill

Sonny won't you crawl away to somewhen I've not found
Crankin down the bank shaft cause its rollin rollin round
Caught another big one in a dental floss noose
Sell em to the butcher maybe he can get some use

FFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK

faded forlorn fractured fragmented
completely de-clinted
traded torn tossed to the trash
  canceled check counterfeit cash

broken yet again
  just another somewhen
except my fault this time
  twas my non-rhyme

how do you go from happier
  to happiest
to burst into the worst

have you ever felt the squeeze that crushes the heart of a star
  been unable to breathe because of the death of all you are
how do you continue when what you knew isn't true
  if love is rendered irrelevant then whatever do you do

scenery never seen
  barely even imagined
suddenly miracled me
  actually ******* happened

but it abandoned me soon thereafter
  never to whisper another chapter
shhhhh don't listen to this
  shut up your only kiss

for 7 months fate was my favorite writer
  destiny my best-friend editor
then suddenly they were evil censors

love unlucked me faster
  than I could even begin to breathe
luck unloved me farther
  than even I could ever believe

my fingertips still feel Yur breast
  my lingering lips tasting Yur heartbeat
I still feel Yur body pressed to my chest
  Yur embrace keeping me safe in my sleep  

now all around me
  nothings surround me
i am the epitome of empty
  cobwebbed memory
    a soul's stifled breath
      destined for dusty death

how do you exist in the happy happy joy joy world outside
  when everything that matters has been crushed inside
how do you explain how everything is worthless
  when you've never been worth less

i will never be someone else
but the self i am can grow
and change and rearrange
til there's something new to show

each day i go somewhere new
but the path home is lined with light
as my mind and body travel by day
then rush back home by night

somehow new tales unfold
the good, the bad, the rote
from the happenings of passing time
chapter by chapter we stay afloat

someone else, somewhere else
may somehow disagree
but somewhen else, i will be
the best that i can be

Imaginary Diary

Wed, Oct 5, 2011

Back from the worst roadtrip of my entire life.  And an era ends as I sit ALL ALONE in this big empty house.  At least it isn't raining, so I can go in the backyard and build a big fire to cry in front of...


Here Be Me

out fades the fire, no longer reaching higher, merely old and tired, moved on from trying to crying, an era ends, and how to begin again?

yet death has not yet stolen the last breath, hope and prayers still befriend the living, and everyday miracles may still find the giving...


alone is a strange energy
almost alien to me
although it didn't used to be

lone wolf howls again?
prowls again?

kaleidoscope of feelings,
how to make meaning?

I like Me as much or more
than ever before
and I no longer keep score

lone wolf howls again?
prowls again?

hurt but not quite reeling,
what's the meaning?
can I manage the damage?

I scream
You scream
We All scream
for Ice Cream
but that does not balance the beam
does not quite Amen the dream.

And now my life changes again
rearranges yet again
Lone Wolf?


Thurs, Oct 6, 2011

"I mourn not moving into another decade, but at the end I've been betrayed, not good enough, not enough stuff, not the right house in the right city. given everything I could, done anything I can, but not trusted, accused of acts I did not commit, abandoned and alone again, except for the responsibilities, and bills, and animals, and an empty house full of stuff, and memories of what was supposed to be" -- miscellaneous anonymous old divorced dude


Have you ever noticed how close onesome is to lonesome and that together rhymes with forever?



Fri, Oct 7, 2011

Heart Broken yet again,
  far from the 1st time...
I know what to do
  & kinda how to do it,
    I guess...


****, this is going to take some serious time!!!!
(can I manage the damage)


How far is far enough?
How future is future enough?

head hanging down
  as does the soul inside
face fallen in a frown
  as the heart's tears are cried

looking & leaning above the abyss
  living the loss that leaves less
refusing not to feel this
  there shall be no numbness

hurt too many times
  to soothe with mere rhymes
but healing always happens
  hope never dies a final death
(I can manage the damage)


How far is far enough?
How future is future enough?

Once or so upon sometime
  boy met girl
    and his world went whirl.
Stars sent sparkles through the smog,
  moonlight went right through the fog.

And they asked Clint,
  what's so different?
And his simple silly smile said,
  are you really so numb dumb in the head?

Are you really only able to see
  the fine firm exquisite curves outside
and not the even more amazing beauty
  singly sweetly from the soul inside?

Just look closely
  into gorgeous intensity
    get swept into a deep brown sea
      and wonder at the world she sees!

And when you linger longingly on those luscious lips,
  don't just wish for a tender hot kiss.
Want the soft breath-touch of her spirit,
  and the words within which you'll hear it!

They may not realize what I see,
  but those eyes have looked at me.
And I sit in the dark and wonder,
  could my spark ever touch her?


When can it be Then again?

Because if a guy is extraordinarily lucky, every decade or two he might meet someone as amazing as you.  And if he has the chance to become more than friends, he HAS to try to make that reality.  If not, he HAS to know you in whatever way possible, as deeply as possible, to enrich his Life & Soul!


Flirting

Emotions mixing like potions
Imaginings made more potent
Did you see her?  She looked at me!  A lot!  We smiled with our eyes and our lips and our words and it was real!  It may have meant more to me than it did to her, but it was still real!


Somewhen

Wonderings About A Wonderful Woman

Dipping a heart in the Rush
     of the early life of a Crush.
Past the point when you'd just met
     & maybe not even spoken yet.

It's after you know there's something about her
     that's at the awesome end of special.
When you want to know all about her,
  learn the glow within the sparkle!

You find yourself wanting way less waiting
     between the moments you get to see her
and you're always antsy anticipating
     the next time you're able to talk to her.

You hope for her Happy
     and pray to be a part of it,
       an important part!

You ache to ask her for a date
  and hear her say okay, great!
You wish that that beginning
  turns into every evening
until oh so soon
  on an unknown afternoon
you both find you're destined
  to be much more than friends!

And inbetween the start and that part
  as you learn to hear each others' heart
there are a millionish questions about her
  you can't wait for time to answer...


Does she like mexican food?
  and sushi too?
Will she gag if you call her dude?
Has she ever done Mongolian BBQ?

Has she ever searched for seashells
  between the incoming swells?
Does she like getting flowers?
  What's her favorite flower?!

Does she like skating
           swimming
          whistling
           hiking?

Does she have brothers?
sisters?
younger?
  older?

Has she ever fallen on her **** in an ice rink?
  or played in the snow til your fingers can't think?

Does she love road trips
  for the destination
    and all you may learn/see
      along the journey?

Where has she travelled?
Where does she want to travel?

Does she like sharing dreams
  the moment you awaken?
When it still seems
  they really did happen?
                        
What animals does she love?

Mittens or gloves?

Does she love hugs?
  LONG hugs?!

Is she ready for me to want to stare at her
  (mmmmm, have you seen her?)
And does she know how
  to keep hearing “WOW”?

Does she like reading poetry?
  especially when it's about her / inspired by her

Will we share the joys and traumas
  the sillys and dramas
    that have made us us?


Will she excitedly show
  all of her old photos?

Does she believe in GOD
  and ghosts
  and eternal souls
  and True Love?

Has she ever prayed for me?
Does she know I've prayed for her?

Will we show not just our strengths
  but also our weaknesses?
Tell our awes
  and our flaws?
Share our laughs
  and our tears?
Whisper our hopes
  and our fears?
Even though it allows the other to truly see
  and brings tender vulnerability?

Will she let me provide what help I can
  for not only wants, but also needs
can she depend on this man
  for not only wants, but also needs
can she accept every effort from Clint
  and still know she's independent?


Does she like:

  --cuddling huddling together beside the fire, wrapped beneath the same blanket, holding hands, somtimes speaking softly about memories, hopes, fears, desires, sometimes simply staring at the spastic random wild dancing of the flames while listening to the crackles & pops & the night sounds from just beyond the circle of light?

  --a lazy afternoon on a summer beach, toes digging in the hot sand, breeze blowing sunshine across the skin, waves waiting to be watched and frolicked in?

  --being at the beach on a damp winter's day, sitting on a lifeguard tower just out of the reach of the rain, sometimes wondering at the miracle of the wild waves, dark and frothy, whipped by the wind to lunge upon the shore and race towards the tower only to tire and recede once more into the tide. Sometimes basking in the heat of each others' hands, eyes, lips & kiss, flying in the feeling?

  --walking along the beach in the moonlight of a still-warm summer's eve, holding hands as we wade in the waves, toes tingly with the spritz of the sparkling water?

  --watching a sunrise fill the skies of a desert dawn?
  --watching the sun set as it dives from the clouds, drops behind the mountaintop?

  --camping in the mountains, or by a lake, miles and miles from the encompassing glare of the city lights, within our private tent at midnight, comfy cozy cuddled close within 2 sleeping bags zipped into  1, marvelling at the stars spread out above the mesh ceiling?

  --walking hand-in-hand in a light rain laughing at the secret which only we know, that this cool warm drizzle, this tingle-mingle mist is the perfect place to kiss?

  --Las Vegas after dark?
  --reading to each other in the park?
  
  --short romantic messages?
  --exchanging random massages?

  --live comedy?
  --movie matinees?

  -- what's her favorite type of TV?
          comedy/drama/reality?
          food/cartoons/nature documentary?

  --a comfy couch where we fall sleep curled together with a shared blanket and maybe even some spilled popcorn?

  --disneyland?

  --silly errands at 1am?

  --talking through the night until the dawn?

  --sharing a shower, the water cascading across her unbelievable beauty, caressing every curve, glistening on her sweet sensuous skin and driving me deliciously delirious with desire?


What is her favorite color?
What is her favorite thing about her?

Who is her oldest friend?
            her best friend?

If she had one wish, totally selfish, just for herself -- what would it be?

Fuzzy PJ's or naked under a soft warm blanket?

Would she dance with me at home
  just the two of us
where we can be dorky
  or not good
    and just have fun?


Does she realize the HER of her eyes
           her smile
           her glow
           her lips
  the dreams of her fingertips?

Does she know that as impossibly amazing as it may seem
  my instincts sing to me
  that she's even more beautiful on the inside
  than she is on the outside?
  And have you SEEN her outside????

Would she want to hear me say
  you're sweet smart funny beautiful and hot, mmmmmmm  HOT
    and you will find True Love & Happyness
      because You Deserve It!

Does she want someone to want her
  emotionally spiritually physically?
Does she want them to wonder what she wants
  discover her innermost inner?
Want them to desire her joy
  so she can be joyous?
Does she want them to want to kiss her all over,
  caress her everywhere,
  squeeze her perfect *** with ultimate passion,
  dream of her arms and awesome legs around them,
  her bare ******* pressed against their chest,
  sing themselves to sleep with images of her lips,
  and imaginings of her sweet sweet kiss?
  

And maybe if we're lucky
  or meant to be
Somewhere in there
  “like” blossoms
    becomes Love!

...Because if somehow, somewhen,
magic pixie dust fell,
covering you from head to toe,
and you began rising up up up,
off to Neverland,
the first thing I'd grab onto,
is the ****.
And you'd be saved.
We'd be happy forever and ever,
or until our love grows cold,
we stop:
sleeping together, kissing, hugging, touching,
and the signature curves all over
on divorce papers at a balding lawyer's office.

You gave up on our forty more glory years,
  agonized over the decision.
You sent us to separate beds in tears,
  sentenced me to poet prison
    (locked in a spiral cycle
       of pain and broken and fatal fetal and bleeding blue eyes stunned open in vicious surprise
           unable to close or escape into comatose)

My actions
  or actually inactions
may have murdered my Miracle
  made You listen to a false Oracle

**** unable to dim or die
  is You being the only ultimate “Why”
that I was created in the first place
  and put in the exact time & space
    to toss pebbles at Yur window
      that exploded into our nova glow

Even as we cried together
  months after died “together”
(You saying Yur not better without me
   yet can't won't be with me)
I swear on the soul that thinks it knows You
  (far more than the mere heart which beats because of You)
that I still feel You having feelings for me
  (oooohhhhh, You Noe You still want me)

Please let yourself see
  all the positives in me
don't ignore Yur desire
  don't lose it in disaster

we are US
  we are Love & Lust
and every like & lick in between
  (I know You Noe what I mean)

the aliens followed us
  cuz they felt our forever fever
their lights in our Arizona skies
  were listening to the bazillion butterflies
burning churning turning in my soul
  fluttering my libido

they knew what You do....
  that I can't play guitar
  **** I can be Yur star
they wanted to watch me & You
  strobe along to our music
  probe the strong of our magic
    read my SJH poems
    and count all our ****

**** they would never understand
  the simple thrill
  overwhelming joy for this boy
    of holding Shannon's hand :)

You may have been able to give up,
  somehow You had had enough,
**** I believe You didn't want to give up,
  and I should have proved my stuff!!

My Love for You like no other ever before,
  My amazement for You that couldn't be more.
The breathlessness bearing witness
  to the simplest silliest move You might make
The blue-eye-blue-eye-soul-gaze-bliss
  wanting to be waiting on when You wake

You do Noe that Everything You do
  biking hiking cooking thinking walking the insane work world
just excites inspires my soul to say WOOHOO
  and then Kahley & Z-O-E show me You as Mother unfurled
    & hurled into too much to be true

There is not a Disney potion
  which could move my emotions
more than the nervous excitement
  coursing full force thru Clint
when there's just a hint of Shannon!

Do You not Noe that even Yur mundane daily details are moments for which I counted the minutes until we could share?
How do you not Noe that even Yur boring is beyond Rare?

My want that is need
  is so hard for You
    that my heart **** as it bleeds

had every substance and experience
  but never any highs
    like Yur eyes
      or between Yur thighs

You may say only friends forever
  and only see me whenever or whatever
You may be able to forget that we are dismembered
  but for me the regret screams as it sobs as it's remembered

Yet hope shall never breathe its final sigh,
  does not Noe how to bid itself goodbye.
    (it wasn't token lust,
       it shouldn't be broken lost)

are You aware how full We were of Wonderful?
can his caress express what was our experience
  (over and over until forever becums forever)
do his words worship your existence
  (friend lover mother mentor sometimes trembling leaf who Loves me and looks at me into me    
      thanking me for holding her as she squeezes the breath into me)
does he slip serenely yet excitedly into sleep each night with Yur heartbeat echoing his own
  (seemingly the only bass beat his song has ever known)
does he dream of You each and every somewhen,
  wake up wishing he was already with You once again?
is Yur daughter his 2nd favorite person in the world
  (oh Z-O-E i'm soooo sorry you had to cry one single solitary tear from knowing me)

does his mind spend all day scribbling away on the insides of his eyelids everything he thinks about you...

and do You realize it isn't only when i'm awake...there isn't a moment in which my subconscious exists when it isn't walking old town San Diego with You or grinning as Yur fire-spinning or Breaking Bad as it basks in bend Yur **** over bike basket banter or holding Yur hand in an ancient cemetery with wine & cheese & grapes & Breakfast Club surreality or walking whispering a Halloween Haunted House with ridiculously brave Z-O-E

somehow for You it was dating
  just some seven month fling
for me it was the penultimate relationship
  the reason i'd learned this whole breathing feeling thing
and 175 days after You designated the dumpster for me
  it continues to transform me
    because of You i remake me

So, Hey, Hi, Here i am,
  Wanna hear who how i am?
Or do You wanna hear what i remember
  as i wonder what You remember?

How many of our memories mean as much to You as to me?? Hello Ladies on the bed together? or when i watched You shower? me not knowing the secrets to Yur frisbee throwing? our only time camping? creative counter cleaning? the every-single-time-spark of touching Yur skin? the way our ***  stroked squeezed rocked my **** and mind and soul and spirit and poet and left my lips on fire with spearmint-cool tingling? and did i mention being wet with electric sweat?

i seem to remember You saying i was **** (me?!?! - with or without a moustache) even as i was nervous & excited every time i realized You were looking my way, whether it was on a biplane or in a kayak beside an island or wishing i was saving You from a river monster or in a kayak beneath a full moon where You couldn't even notice that my pounding pulse was singing Yur name in a beautiful bass beat

i noe that You know Yur cool, **** i noe that You don't know HOW COOL...the coolest hot whose personality was music that instantly inserted itself into my internal playlist and cranked that ****** to a level that would deafen Spinal Tap!

do You know that You are style & passion
  and buffalo exchange fashion?
alien lights
  indian caves
    & ghost towns with donkeys?

You must realize somewhere deep inside on a primal level
  that once Yur eyes let me see inside You
i would need to be part of Yur life to be alive
  as US is the rainbow which gives color to each day's grey

even before kissing and everything on Our balcony
  in Our Sycamore Springs jacuzzi
You were the kiss I miss any split second my lips aren't melding melting into Yurs

You are dreams and fantasies and way too fantastic to be reality
You are The Happiness Joy that defines Happy for this poet boy

from the moment we met
  You are the 1st thing i think of when i awake
   the last thing in my mind as i slip into sleep
   the lead and supporting role in my subconscious when i'm unconscious
   and actually obviously the highlight to being alive each day

and it shall stay that way even from afar
  until just the other side of forever

there are as many Maybes
  as there are Somedays,
so as i strive not to mope
  (and just keep trying to be better)
i let thrive and nurture hope
  (and just keep trying to be better)

and preach to myself my mantra
and remind me of my motto
  don't give up
  don't ever give up

My first car was a Pontiac;
Winding down
County Road 577,
Hand atop wheel,
A boy and his machine,
Letting snow swoop by like
Hyperspace.
I miss those quiet rides.
But dreams dissolve, evolve,
And I’ve another tangent
Upon the tip of my
Tongue –
Something, somewhere,
Somewhen, fitting,

And prior another attempt at sleep.

Under a mocking Sun,
I may be The Only One.
Or very close to that.
Yes, here I am again,
Back on this theme.
For all I know is that
I feel and think right now.

As for others,
I can but surmise
From what I see and hear.

Yet who provides this World
In which I live:
A many splendoured Universe?
Human builders built these streets:
Residences flanked by cars.
But Someone must be Dreaming all this
And it can’t be little me.

They talk of Big Bang and Evolution,
Like is some form of Revolution.
But Who provided that First Spark,
Light created out of The Dark?

Who is Responsible
For tiny particles
Winking in and out
Of Existence?

My own Id gives me splendid dreams,
But these are nothing
Compared to what springs forth
From some Super Id
Out there somewhere
Or somewhen.

Evolution takes its course,
Following a formula
That transcends
Space and Time.

Many call The Author “God”
Of course,
And why not?
We each have our God,
Defined however we will.
Our Sun has been a “God”,
And maybe still is to some.

Whatever we believe in,
There are Powers around,
Way above our heads.
Whoever or whatever they are
We can but Hope
That they smile upon us
And keep us safe.

Paul Butters

© PB 3\12\2018.

god created the sun
god created rain
rain and sun slept together
a rainbow evolved

every being has a double, somewhen
i'm half gipsy and jewish
bleedin' blueish
wise man told me lies about trueness

smell the fragrance of ghosts
relax, feel, love yourself
i will be praying for you
in rainbows

i wake every ******* apocalypse morning
  and can't face continuing the mourning
i can't believe Her Love could leave
it is surreal
  & evil

She rescued me from a life
  which was never quite right
and showed me sweet
  rhymes with complete,
gave Her blue to my eyes,
  let me Love the future as forever,
then decided not to believe,
  decided to leave,
placed the dead in my eyes,
  faced me towards starless skies.

(hold me again
  hold me now
    take me to the somewhen
      when we are US somehow)

nothing i've ever said
  has ever mattered.
if it had i wouldn't be dead,
  i would not be gasping with a heart shattered,
    unable to breathe thru the soul shred

with Her
  HER
i never faked
i never lied
i never even would have tried.
She let me love being me
  and i could never be
    anything other than true
      to the TRUE of YOU

She was the mirror on me,
  She showed me the beauty of me,
and i believed what i'd never known before,
  that i could not just swim skim
    but dive deep along the miracle shore

but i missed the cracks,
  ignored the lacks
of two issues i actually knew
  which were the die to our do

my ******* fault we went faulty,
  i didn't **** the wolves at the door
    and ensure our fairy tale forevermore

(take me again
  take me once more
    into every part of You
Yur eyes
Yur heart
Yur thighs
Yur hurt
Yur sighs
Yur spirit
Yur why's
      Yur Forever)

She broke me
  and i know why
She destroyed me
  and i understand why
just not how She could do it
  not how She could **** US
not how She could say **** it
  not how She could give up on US

but i will never wonder why i Love Her
  will never blame Her
    for this forever hurt
for the forever linger
  of my dead heart

(lead me to Yur heart once more
  this time Please Forever
  leave me to horror nevermore
    just hold me Please Forever)

oh Shannon
  not left behind
Please Shannon
  not left behind
remember all You said
  don't leave me for dead
how *** You said i was awesome
  if i was really just no-one
limp **** drunk
  is my legacy
    once Shannon left me

once upon whenever
  i believed we were forever
but She thought different
  & threw away clint

i want to live forever
  if it's with Her
but if alone i'm begging You
  make Yur **** shot quick & true

i will Love forever
  but as US is now never
i can't continue
i CANNOT ******* CONTINUE
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
  is all of me which remains

i am not the noe You knew
  so make Yur **** shot quick & true

help....
    please

You can really hurt yourself
If you hold your breath too long,
Headaches and dulled vision,
Part way to passing out with enough
Determination,
Add water and depth and a swift rise,
The bends as bubbles of gas
Form in unhelpful places,
Or swam too deep too far
And barely making the surface
That suddenly seems so far
From my feebly flapping limbs,

I guess we have all held
Our breath across the years,
Waiting on some thing or someone
To finally come good,
Or arrive or even just to be,
Somehow or somewhere or somewhen,
Breath suspended,
Life on hold just waiting with
Inextinguishable hope
Of something good,
And precious,
Worth waiting for,

Well I know I have,
And I know I have been the one,
The thing and or the circumstance
That has caused breath to be held,
And to my shame not always
Was I worth it,
But now - actually it is me with bursting lungs,
And the pain is near unbearable,
Perhaps time to let out that air with
A loud and pain filled gush,
To turn and start the swim
To shore

Some dreams are never meant

To be

Dear Dark Diary



i don't even know what day this is

pain & darkness prepare to bleed their oozing etchings onto paper through this loser's agonized analysis, seething and breathing with unholy vitality...


embraced within my dreams
  enriched by my words
    (or were those screams i heard?)

it's funny,
  with all of the times i've known everything,
    how often i know nothing,
i know the cracks show
  and the lacks i Noe
but where and how to go?
  where and how to grow?

have you ever been scared of a scar
  & discovered it was really a scab?
    with true healing never happening
      & it's torn off to the same old bleeding?

not quite drowning i guess,
  but floundering none-the-less.


is this tomorrow yet?  or perhaps it's yesterday forever

what if my words don't work anymore
  and i'm the pathetic failure from before?
maybe amazing isn't meant to be mine
  and i'll remember all of the impotent lines.

what if revisited are my youthful ways
  and unrequited once more rules my days?
what if my interest
  is only cloying eagerness?

remember when intensity and intelligence were irrelevant,
  emotional emoting mattered only to clint,
    & sweet silly sensitivity
      meant merely lonely eccentricity?


ugly inside
  or outside
    or maybe both.
unamazing inside
  or outside
       or probably both.
here we go Cyranoe...

my existence
  bears little relevance.
just a speck of dust,
  mostly just a mote.

it's been a long lovely while
  since empty was my smile.
but now my bright blue eyes are dull,
    as is my soul.


can someone please enlighten me as to which ******* day this might be?

re-destined for the old & alone zone,
  reseated upon this pitiful throne.
And darkness descends,
  doubt deepens,
    destroys all upon which i depend.

Hope escapes & takes passion's throes,
  my crescendo merely an ancient echo.
i never knew i'd be nothing again,
  praying for a new somewhen.

a powerless poet's worthless words
  will try to fly into her wonderful world.
but their wings will be insufficient
  because they were created by clint.

imagined is his cool,
  this jester's just a fool.
he was always only for fun,
  never actually touched anyone.

unable to matter to another,
  my tender heart is torn asunder,
    the silken tatters shattered,
      the silver shards shredded.
        (is the emerald dead?)


****** boiling tears make my eyes shriek,
  stream sizzling scars down my cheek,
    drip into puddle pools of pain,
      and soak into the spreading stain...

We are three years and six thousand miles
from sunburned kisses at midnight.
We're exploding somewhere out there
in the great somewhen.
***** of fire. Great is a coin flip.

I am sixteen hours worth of coffee
and who gives a ****.
I drag broken skin across dried Earth and scream at gods, old and new, that I miss them half as much as I miss you.
I've become an engine running on what could've been and what might still be.

Somewhen we're joining like atoms,
our collision giving startling birth to universes of maybes and an entire cosmos of prizes at rainbows end.
Crumbling into disinterested sentence fragments trying their best to contain sentiments of truth. My truth.

What are happy endings in all this ******* nonsense?
What matters anymore if nothing ever mattered at all?
Why does absence breed such boring ******* nihilist sentiment in me?
I'm fighting for better.
Cracked knuckles and sweat and blood given freely at the alter of hopefully.
Make me better.
Make me whole.

Somewhen we are a fire, burning together through the whole of time and space.
We were then.
We are now.
Always.
Love.
Always.

three husbands
three wifes

don't try to find 'em as
they will have found you
long before nighttime

somewhen in-between-time
yeah baby i know it's fighttime

but don't try to opppose your
destiny as you've been watched
by satellites / surveillance cams /
your friends and your aunts

they're not against you
yet none of 'em is gonna thank you
for nothin' you feel me?

believe it or don't: by the end of the
year YOU gonna say: thank you

welcome to the
you-place

What if the aliens are us
Or we are them
And we were somewhen forced to forget all that
What if humankind is not from here
If we are not original from here
What if we are from a different place,  a planet we have once destroyed
And then we came to Earth
And now we're destroying it as well
'Cause that's just how the humanoid aliens are
And sometime soon in future, we will leave this place
We will settle somewhere else, thinking that's where we belong
And we'll destroy that planet too

If all things happen for a reason,
if someone omnipotent has a plan,
would loving you might mean
that somewhen, somehow,
my fate will find yours
and will forever be intertwined?

That maybe the reason why
I still fall for you every day,
why I see stars dancing in your eyes,
why my heart calms with your voice,
is because someday you will too
and feel the same way that I do.

Or maybe that's all that it is ㅡ
to show me how wonderful it's like
to love someone endlessly,
unselfishly and unconditionally
even if that someone can never be
the one destined for me.

Moments, like the words     we string together,
gathered so we have     somewhen we belong.

Ever had the most rad?
  The holy ghost of glad?

I had seven months of spastically happy,
  miles of miracles more than ever been in me!
I was lifted beyond unknown heights,
  kiss-gifted to upon cloud-shown sights!

**** my sweetest taurus
  tore US
and i was tossed aside
  cast back across cliff-side
on the catapult
  of my-fault

Stranded,
  broken before i landed,
and after,
  all that's left is shatter...

Crying daily,
  well,
    more sobbing uncontrollably,
      spirit crying as it's dying
the essence of yur being
  screaming as it's bleeding...

what is there but weeping and sleeping?

Flowers for the ones you've known,
  the dead given new life grown.
Except it ***** even more than ever before,
  cuz yur heart is being ****** upon Death's shore.

And my present somewhen
  is i shall never shine again.
My rare laughter
  is a terrorist to me,
    a foreigner ex-family.
Anything non-shatter
  is an unwelcome stranger
    nonsense cult danger...

i keep going thru the motions,
  despite nooooooo!!! emotions...
having empty echo conversations,
  exerting energy in wasted creations...

trying to care
why'ing to share
  **** nah
    i got nothing there...
other than a why the **** would i care,
  and a barren sigh soul-struck stare...

Almost all smiles are fake forced and painful,
  ain't that the definition of ******' wonderful?!
**** oh woe is me,
  i s'posed to be oh so happy...
Oh yes sir Cap'n,
  that's gonna ******' happen...

except i ain't got no mend
  and this ain't got no end
other than forever....

you say you have a "thing for wings"
do you think of yours, generous angel?
I think you must be, lights shines in you so bright
Unimaginable, undefined supercluster of you
your love spirals out like glowing nebulas,
building mass of starstorm, dustcloud life
you are the same makeup as a star
and I see you shine so bright.
I cannot imagine a universe without such beauty as to fly
with wings as bright and full of life as our milkyway
and with a universe so inclined to beauty and wonder
it is no wonder you exist
you had to, somewhere, somewhen stars shine in city skies
not willing to be dimmed, only to add more light.
to yours and theirs, when my science can only
understand you on a smaller scale.
I'd have to create more to understand you,
but I think I'll be okay in awe alone
because you are a wonder, and I'd just like to watch your rays

under the sky,
somewhere placing
one foot past the other
like i am now,
contact (roses eclipse)

under the stars,
somewhen breathing
a particle of air
i once brushed,
alive (are we now)

under all time,
somewho you,
the not less of life
closing distance
float (opening existence)

and under Imagine,
somehow us
through all mazes
say hello find
what is (never) lost.

Once upon the most important moment
  ever to be crucial to my too-invulnerable soul,
i ****** up beyond all possibility to be believed,
  utter failure for the only forever which will ever matter

confident in my idiot coat,
  i slit my own throat
    (with my serrated knife
      of not good enough
     i ended my greatest life
       by killing her loving our Love)

i cut out my own heart,
  watched my aborted soul
   streak shrieking out the gaping hole
it was mourning for all the mornings
  it would never wake beside her
it hated me for all the adventures
  it will now never share with her
it shall always despise me
  for the forever she denies me

the blade of my inability
  to make her believe in me
carved out my breaking barely beating heart
  but could not **** the boundless hurt
    (this pain shall always forever reign)

Eventually
  i mostly got over the loss of my sister
    because i couldn't keep empowering the horror
and i understood why she couldn't go on
  and she would have wanted me to move on

Eventually
  cannot this time occur,
i can't even minutely reduce the power of this horror,
  it is feral aggressive primordial omnipotent horror

Shannon, oh, Shannon,
  you threw me away
Shunned, oh god, shunned
on my Judgement Day

The One
  dis-believed US
  un-believed US
The One, while crying,
  said she still Loved Me (me!!)
    (and missed me, silly)
and wasn't better without me,
  but wouldn't be with me
and then went back to an ex before me
  so easily and fast into over me.

And i'll never get past that,
  any of that...

how do you meet a miracle,
The One & Only One,
who says sighs smiles you make each other miracled,
  and then just be over & done.

i don't know if you've ever been that broken,
  if very want you've ever wished for
was suddenly sharing a million more,
and then in an instant all was unspoken

and i  don't know
  if the worst experience you'll ever know
was an unexpected assault
from your own ****-up fault,
was a sudden evil somewhen
  banishing the best you've ever been

but she won't let me fix the what or the why,
  so i'll live for decades wanting to die.
and even in my nothing,
  i do know a few things...

i don't want this dark,
  i want her spark
    & the flame it ignited
      & the future it excited
which used to burn with no pain
  & i keep trying for believing
    somehow someday it will again

i don't want this darkness
  that after her i “live” in.
i just want her kiss
  again & again & again

i don't want to know
  any more of this limp limbo,
i want when i make her laugh
  and make her smile two times plus half

i can't know any more of this horror,
  can't keep knowing years exploding into tears.
i want to keep quoting the movie
where You said Yur best was me
      (seriously, ME!!!!)
    she said it was me

Shannon's voice
  her personality
the touch of her eyes' smile
  and trying to watch that at the same time
    as staring at those luscious lips
while aching to grab her *** as
  we pulled us hips to hips.

everything about her
  and about US
the LOVE
  the LUST
the connections from a multitude of directions
  the music
    the emotions
the bodies playing tunes
  as hearts kept the beat
and kayaks under full moons
  whispered we were the shared heartbeat
    that everyone dreams about
            everyone dreams about
we were it
  we are it
it will never not be right
  it will never not be our night

but her eventual belief
  became my eternal grief
as instead of mend it
  and make US even stronger
she decided to end it
  and make US no longer

so sorrows are all my tomorrows
  and volcano tears are my eyes for years
    (they explode without warning
      all throughout every day
     and no-one seems to see the scarring
      as they burn & turn my heart to pompei)

i envisioned holding her for forever,
  tightly when she wanted,
    loosely when she was ultra busy
      and a light touch would make her happy

i remember every time she touched me,
  it was always rhythm & rhyme & HAPPY
seriously,
i still tingle from her first touch,
    who knew June 30th, 2013 would mean so much
      (or that February 3rd, 2014 would **** me)
we sat & spoke & shared beside a fire,
  finally in person with the finest person,
    as her personality & eyes & & voice set me forever afire
      (until the day she emailed me into broken)

and now i remember how a miracle dies,
  i remember with my once bright blue eyes
whose light left when she said
  we will never be wed,
    we will no longer Love instead

& then my eyes ceased seeing my soul,
  not merely blinded
    by all that was reminded
      staring into that bleeding hole,
but instead finally ******* dead

look me once more in the eyes,
  see the agony in their empty,
and cry as You realize
  removing You from me killed me

break my mirror,
  what's left to lose?
take my forever fear,
  i shall succumb & lose

a We that was US
  is naught but a forgotten smile
and yet all the while...

the other we is here waiting,
  my brokenness & i.
forever needing our re-fating,
  DEAD but dreaming of being alive

What she said to me sitting at that bar
sipping God's own overpriced whiskey
was the truest thing any one has ever
managed to tell me about myself.

And the drive up to town after
the ribbon of freeway stretching
on into forever and the radio full
of Bukowski's guts blaring with
her feet on my dashboard.

That room with wine colored
walls and a taste reminiscent
of some novel I know I've
read somewhere, somewhen.

Tiny bed I'm constantly trying
to not fall out of sweetly
forcing me closer to her
in the early morning grey.

Something unspoken and
something unseen but somehow
un-needing to be clarified
for once living on feeling
only what there is now.

bliss being sorry

sorry is the word.

being in you made me see,

someone somehere

somewhen somewhere clarity,

my *being in humility

in your eyes.

somenow, i stand tall

I see me, finally.

Sorry being me

Different* people, react *different *ways.

Some of them, will stand still, and silent, and tall. They will make you think they are invincible. They will take your bruises, and accept your words, and they will retain their silence until it is all they believe. They will wrap their pain in darkness and shadows and glints of rain, until they fade away. And only then, will you notice the path destruction you left in their wake.

Others, will cower and flinch away. Weak, you will call them. Brave, someone will contradict, to wear their emotions so care-freely. You will stop, at some point. It is no fun, after all, to torture someone who never fights back. And it is obvious, too, too obvious to avoid getting caught for long. Will they fade, or shatter, or hide, or smirk? It depends. You will not always face the consequences.

The inexperienced ones, will fight back. Will match you blow for blow for cut for cut for life for life for death for death. An eye for an eye turns a whole world blind, but this has never been a fair fight. You have always had the upper hand, so you will always win. Time is a matter of opinion and resistance. You will eventually, crush their soul. But they fought back, and they fought against you, so justification is your dominate opinion and emotion, not regret, or fear, or remorse, not anything else.

There are more. Variants upon variants of everyone who didn't deserve your brand of torment. Variants of the bullet proof vests, and the children, and the soldiers.

The utterly helpless ones, will turn. You will beat them down, but somewhere, somewhen, they will become you. They will become the damnation of the freaks and outcasts and misfits, they will crave power and acceptance and use fear to gain it, they will inflict pain on others to starve out their own. If you meet them, perhaps you will understand what you did. Or perhaps you will join them, or cower in fear at your once-upon-a-victim.


Were you them, once?
                            humiliated, and scared, and bitter, and rejected?


Will I become you, someday?
                                 *torturous, and cruel, and cold, and powerful?

Every dreary day's the same.
Every important detail is halted
in a stalemate over a somewhen
that feels much like eternity.

I remember it all by heart,
my laughable fortress of apathy:
the texture of the chair,
the length of the motion
between my hand and my addiction
in the form of keyboard and mouse,
the brightness of fake mechanical dreams,
and the mess of real ones.

Then the line between evening and night blurs
or sometimes night and day,
and comes the tedious unrewarding process
of laying in bed, and listening
to all the little pains
of human body and mind:
little scratches, aches,
and too many thoughts.

Thoughts about
all the little things
that make me insufferably like myself:
my ego, wishing only to cage the world.
and make it dance like a fool,
conversing with despair,
an extravagant fellow
who sees no world
outside of mechanical fools
staged on a collapsing surface.

There are also social thoughts
about the game theory, hormones, and stress
of playing in human society.
People connected by fragile threads.
Loneliness is a paradox,
as it tends to grow with density.
It’s always hard to find
the ideal strategy.

I also remember well
the feeling of waking up.
I would have never known
how passionately one could hate
a series of fragmented sound bites saying:
"The time is 7:30 am. The time is-", I know.
Of course, you can’t know that I know,
or rather you just can’t know,
but it feels like you should by now, y’know??


After a period of time
equal parts instant and unending
I find myself strapped
to yet another, less comfortable chair.
There are a few dozen others
sitting in equally uncomfortable chairs
in equally inexpressive fashion.

At an opposite angle,
stands a bigger one
relaying piles of data
to be computed and organized
and tediously rehearsed,
by us, smaller calculators in training.
The most exciting
and unfun part
of our structural data training
are the tests
to check each one’s margin of error
and kindly give particularly special care
to the ones on the lower end
of achievement.

Sometimes one of the bigger ones
asks me if I’m fine
what a stupidly kind but pointless question.
Because, of course,
there’s only one correct answer
So I make a clueless face
and give the same one every time
I want to be a good calculator, after all.

But it’s far too obvious
to even bother saying
that nothing is ever fine
maybe that’s why no one does say it
and when I remember
the depth of my unfineness
my center of gravity sinks
deep into the earth
and all that’s left is the feeling
of my soul digesting itself,
and in those lucid moments
when the game of reality ceases
and nothing can be good or bad
and life becomes
too sad a story to handle
I can’t help but smile.

Focus your attention somewhen else.
The somewhom you remember
is gathered dusty on the shelf.

Some other time.
A phrase some good, mostly bad.
Focus on the times in which you  had.

**** it. Keep in time, in the then,
forget the now and the soon to be when.
Get lost. *******.
Pout about it until you deign to sin.

Forget yourself.
Earn your regret.