Freebie's are not
Me, I'm a hardworking
mujer. I take what I can
Get, I give my heart from
What I bet, I leave past behind
And do forget, the crime's of other's
Of fateful mess, but I do my best if
Someone else don't like, it's OK I'm
Fine, I'll be alright, because on when I
Shine, I will pass the other's who do not
My heart was broken long ago, now it's better
I've grown some, I have lost a little, gained some.
Tossed a light extra baggage to the side, sweet twenties,
For some a year for parties, nightclubs and the fake life.
Twenties for me is ballerina and me, my daughter, and I hope
To be somebody's wife.

There's too much of me
So I slice into parts
Don't know who I am
Who I was
Where to start
My fingertips stained
a raspberry color
Let's cut off another
Another
Another
My softness dismantled
Set the mood
light some candles
This hole inside grows
So I must learn to handle
Those times where my head was held under water
Men dont give a **** if "that's somebodys daughter"
When all that you've taught me is I should be better
I think of my past self and send em a letter
The version of me that was put under ground
Carving into myself cause I cant speak out loud
Skipping breakfast and dinner or stuffing our faces
For some sense of control
To hope it erases
The feeling inside
that all that you can be
Is how flesh meat and bone
Hangs off of your body
When your own heart could stop
From barely a flutter
Flesh of the womb
Laying wet in the gutter
Taking what's ours
They go on with their lives
Resorted to tonics and herbs
Backyards and midwives
He said it's not that bad
you ******* faker
Beat in her face
Just to text her phone later
All my exes are crazy
I just wanted to bang her
Cut her down from the rafters
when you know what hanged her
It's funny it's sad
at the end of the day
We're in hell together
Across hot coals we lay
Dress your own wounds
Don't bend over for them
Instead let's
Redacted
Redacted
Redacted

hows your love life
are you somebodys exwife
do you lie fat and cry
blame him and not try
does the single life taste bad
try another old picture want ad
you say your fat but youre fixxing it
but you still want a man that is bank and fit
im a fat wallet dude sweet *** on to sit
but ill pass on your jabba **** blubbery ***
youve wrinkled your envelope really bad
you still claim youre beautiful wow thats sad
far from your sloth nest is where i will fly
and grind my hips on some younger thin thigh
see ive got an exwife
and now i love life

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
From a Friend to you
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebodys beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I dont question myself anymore. Ive even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

go for the chills my boy
whatever the hell it takes -
go for the full body chills,
the ones that start in your ****
trickle down the backs of your knees
drift up into the top of your cabeza
make ya think there's chakras and all that,
kind of chills that make ya think
somebodys standing behind ya
in the best possible light,
hand on your shoulder
watching you make the right decision
over and over and over again.

go for those chills, my love.

go for the risk. where's the risk?
who's got the risk? gimme! gimme!
pshh... selling risk up and down the stairs
like foolhardy can-boys sell miller lite
at the ball games that we coulda gone to,
where i never woulda seen your picture.
selling risk like it's real risk -
saying, hey! hee.. haa.. lookee over here -
we got risk for ya: start a family!
aint nothing more risky than that!
and then boom! your lying on
your back, in bed with an accountant,
and he's a'counting out your finances
planning your pleasures down to the dime,
[won't letcha buy that dress that slips right off.
ya know, one with the black lace all over?
never did a great job hiding nothing from me,
ya little piece uh risky business, you].

no, err, sorry then...
can't afford that risk...
not in the spreadsheet...
can'tttttttttt compute ....
err... no second opinions...
err... find FAQ's for further information.

i got a wooden spoon, derr.....
that's me ^^^.
spot the difference.

one makes ya smile,
the other takes it away.
one makes ya laugh,
the other takes it away.
one makes you come,
the other takes it away.
one gives you chills,
the other takes 'em away.

how's about we dine on perrier
and Michelin stars, tonight?
i promise i'll wear the napkin
round my esophagus, but only
if you reach 'cross the table
and tie it tight around me.
mmmn... tie it a bit too tight
at first, then slip a finger in between.

can you feel my pulse?

Early Morning Thought's Haunt Agian,
How Are You Feeling,
1-10
A Little Bit Sick,
****,
There's No Medicine,
Nor Cure,
Fears Lethal,
Injecting Placebo Needles,
In Inncoent People,
All Authority & Other Men,
I Thought We Were Equal,
Trust Is An Illusion,
Goverment Loves Evil,
They Real Bad With The Flag,
Grabbin That Egeal,
Enough Is What I've Had,
Were Not Trash,
Stop Back Stabbin The People,
Honestly We Don't Wanna Be,
Mondern Way Slaves
Souls Precious So Smegal,,
These Days Display Slaughtering Sequals,
Sippin From The Tip Of The Last Cup,
Where Did My Tea Go,
Won't Mask Up,
No Disquise ,
Meet My Eyes,
When It's Time To Fly,
Remember The Stare ,
Tremmbling Glare,
Intriging Guy,
Are You Feeling Okay,
No, I Thought So,
Let Me Know , Why,
Were Similar A Alike,
We Wanna Feel Okay,
Secure , Safe,
Make It Threw The Night,
I've Been In The Dark So Long
House Lights Aint Bright,
Dim From The Grim,
Face Shakes ,
Hey My Chin,
Skin Ripping Like My Shins In Condition ,
Cold Winds,
Myster Told,
I've Been Alone , Aching Bones,
Blistering Blizzard Snow,
Lets Take A Flight Tonight To Rome,
After My Show,
Just To Show Our Pretty Eyes,
What's Possible,
Plottin On Forgottin Fuel,
Ew Obsticales, Lot's Of Those,
The Way I Spit Real ****,
Gets Me Lots of Hoes,
I Don't Attend To Their Hunger Needs,
They Don't Give Affection,
They Beg For Things,
I'm Making Cheese,
My Own Kind,
Spazzing All The Time,
Cracked My Spine,
If Acid In Your Back Is A Myth,
Then Why When It Pops,
I'm Lost High As ****,
3rd Eye Pirate Fist,
Twitch Iron Fish,
My Life Is Twister In Winter Midst,
Tree's That Breathe Release Of Sin,
Chosen One 3rd Son,
13 Candles Lit,
Black Robes,
Back Rodes,
Phantom Sits,
That Rope,
666 Notes,
333 Oaths,
A Cat, Candle Black,
Blood Bath & A Ghost,
Letter Inside A Sweater ,
Mr. Cap Crow,
Train Tracks Split,
Deep ****,
Holding On To This
All I Hear Is Hiss,
I Wanna Get Lost In Zen ,
But Cant Sit For 10 Mins,
HyperAware,
Sniperlike Stare,
No Money , You Hungry , No Problem
I'll Share,
Don't Sleep In The Street,
Heres A Bed With Clean Sheets,
You Can Lay There
I'm Hurt So I Care,
Home Is Somethin I Don't Know,
Where,
Majority Of My Life,
Especially At Night,
I Am There,
Feeling Satan Sensations,
Shaking ,
Hard To Bear,
Empty All Alone,
I Am Scared
Becoming Stone,
All Knowing Tones ,
Ringing Like A Phone,
Intuion Avatar,
Answers In My Bones,
Today I Crawled Out Of My Bed,
Listening To All My Guilt,
That Built Stuilts InSide My Head,
Tought Walking Tall,
I'm Walking Small,
Don't Wanna Walk Again,
Need To Hurry Put This Gun Down,
And Throw These Blades Out,
Hey Now Hold On ,
Somebodys Walking In,
I Hung A Sign Please Knock,
Humans Forgot What They Meant,
I've Been Actiavting With Hatred I Hate It,
I Save And I Cave In,
Immortal Pact,
Time Cant Earase It,
Steady With The Pen,
I Bleed For A Hug My Mother,
uggh I Cant Take It,
I Swallow My Spit, Stand Up , Sit Try To Shake It,
Little Me, Literally Be Sizziling Like Some Backon,
Real Skills Have Taken,
Channelin Awaken,
Time Don't Exist,
Scars On My Wrist Inscist It's Mine For The Taking,
I Spread My Shreaded Wings,
And Reach For A Mystery,
Question For My Creator
List Of Things,
Are You Missing Me Like I Miss My Mom,
Grandma My Life Is Missing Things,
I Need You Both To Hold Me Close,
I Love You, Uggh I Know Yall Know,
Our History Is Pain & Mold,
I'm At Fault
Wont Let It Go,
Forgive My Self,
That's A No,
You Stayed And Prayed ,
Amazed You Both Didn't Let Me Go,
My Mother And Grandma Are Real Angels,
Incredible,
Stings When I Feel The Rush,
Cant Go Back In Time To Redo Things,
I ****** It Up,
Compromising
Darkness Rising,
I Got Real Tales,
That Can Make You Shiver,
Buckle Up, Grab Your Liver,
Hair Sliver,
What I Got Is By The River,
What I Feel And Felt,
Cannot BeA Erased,
I'm A Ghost Living In A Humans Race,
Passing Threw With A Very Netrual Face,
I Don't Wanna Be Alone,
Girl Stay,
Not So I Can Feel Your Love,
Just So You Can Feel The Space,
A Terrifying Void,
I Cant Avoid,
Been Dealing With My Demons,
Since Cleanin My Toys,
Young As Hell Just A Boy,
Everday I'm Ageging Decaying Making Noise,
In The Mirror Trancing Threw My Flesh Feautures,
How Come Death Becomes Our Best Teachers,
Yall Got Friends And ***,
Hot Shots And Bleachers,
I  Got Ghost Rabbies ,
Mold ,
Cold And Reapers ,
Distrught Fist Got Heaters,
I've Pist Off Preachers,
Aliance Giant ,
Invisible Creatures,
Thoughts Prjoecting Vibes,
That Change The Out Side,
Brain Changes With In Single Minute 100 Times,
I'm In It Till Finish,
Then I Diminish ,
My Physical Immage,
4th Dimenision,
Duality
Miracles, Fatailty
Pay Attention,
Darkest Night,
Lightest Day,
Balanced Out Talent Ouch, Legend Ways,
I Cant Be Saved,
I Recieved A Letter From Amaru  ,A Congradulate,
Your Still Going This Long ,
Have Yet To Suffocate,
It Takes Strong One To Reach This Date,
Espically When Your Hungry ,
And Ran Out Of Plates,
Or Food And Passion Fruit,
And Truth To Face,
Thoughts Rain All Day,
When The Sun Turns Black ,
Ill Be Back , To Have Your Back,
Mom, Grandma You Are Heaven,
It's 11 Tip My Hat,
You Gave Me Something Long Enough,
I'm Not Strong Enough To Give It Back, Rough,
Hard To Fathom Or Get That,
I Understand, I Stand Under Where Ever You Sit At,
Ima Demon With Demons,
No Sick Act,
****** Rose,
Thick Pact,
Living Like I'm Blind,
My Mind Likes Living In The Past,
Not Me Though,
Ya See Yo,
I'm Encyrpted Scripted With Evol,
Love From Me Is Urgently,
I Love To Strong For Way To Long,
Emergency ,
Oblibvous Pyro,
I'm Burning Things,
Savage With That Black Magik,
Turing Rings,
Listen To That Sermin Sing,
Not Again,
Heaven Will Not Let Him In,
I've Completely Burned My Wings
Pople Who Are Close To Me Are Pure Loving And Searching Dreams,
I'm The Monster Hurting Non Deservingly,
Purgtory Orders Me,
Accordingly,
Never Ending,
Hell Bending
Immortal Surgery,
I Turn To The Leak In Me,
That Gold Freuquency,
That Tried To Speak & Teach Me Things,
I Went Off On My Own Path,
Made My Own Relgion My Own Craft,
Consuquences Exist I Admit ,
I Own That,
I've Tooken,
This Farther Than A Drone Can,
Spirtual Teachers Cant Believe Thier Eyes
I'm Living Proof
I am Who Is Due To Die,
I See With With Middle Perception,
Human Eyes Do Lie,
I Hold Ages Of Prophecy,
Which Obviously Takes A Life Time,
Really Listen, Peep My Tight rymes,
Cause The Right Line You Can Realte To,
Perhaps Could Save You,
Ive Made You A Life Line,

I made preludes to understand loss.
I broke the rules,
I dont understand mathmatics,
My friend a disabled tragedy,
Convinced herself,
The rules are mathmatic.
I dont count on death the way a
Funeral home director makes his car payment.
Or howmany shards of glass are stuck in somebodys head.
She had to know something physics
The nite he died.
It was a first hand demonstration.
One of the those moments of inspiration.
She celibrates with a drink every nite.
Her walker makes sure you can walk straight.
And the bartender made sure hes ontop of
Every drink, like the lime in a plastic sword.
The juice is arsenic.
And she will slowly poison herself till she dies.

Inevitable,
You can’t just “let it”
No one wants its,
But we all get it
Sure we pretend,
We’re always “surprised”,
But we know that no one gets out alive,
Sooner or later,
That bird comes tappin’
One crack in the glass,
And it just “happens”
The end at last,
“Never more”,
It will happen again,
As its happened before
Next to the window,
My back to the door
I tease that bird,
Because I am bored
Young and foolish,
The sense I lack,
Despite the crack,
Tapping back!
No worries,
It's never broken before…
“Gotta go...somebodys knocking at the door”.
©B L Costello 2018

this world has taught you to dream
to live a different life
never yours
always somebodys

don't you dare color outside the lines
dont forget to look around
ask if youre doing it right

so you wake up on a daily
in an unfamiliar body
never yours
always some body
you travel through the bed sheets
you find your dreams under the pillow
so you leave them there
just like momma taught you
''dreaming is not for the likes of us''

but what if-
what if you leave your bed
you carry your dreams
your heart on your sleeves
dare speak up
even if your voice shakes
dare break out of the cell you were born in
what if-
this is everything you've been waiting for?
what if you open your eyes in the mirror and finally say
welcome home?
what if the thunder breaking your windows was for your own good
at least now the sun can shine through

what if this time,
this life
is everything you've ever lost
returned back to you?

What am I doing? It's after midnight and I'm up. I have school at 7:55 in the morning. I don't want to sleep. Nightmares. Plus, I keep waking up panicking that this couch is smooshing me. I'm drinking coffee, mixed with hot chocolate, but coffee still. I won't sleep. I'm so tired of life, but I won't sleep. I saw him today. His hair is growing out and he wore a baseball cap. He doesn't wear baseball caps. He used to have a golf cap that he wore when I first met him. I loved it. I think he's sleeping with his ex. Not that I care. ****. I've ****** two people since we broke up. Okay, so maybe he broke up with me . Whatever. It was basically mutual. I don't think I love him. I don't understand this feeling. It's like I miss something. But I don't know what. Am I pretty? Because I wanna be pretty. And now I'm crying. Do you think I'll ever find somebody? I want to. Somebody who gets my crying and buys me coffee and tea and lets me make a mess in the kitchen and somebody who I can yell with and fight with and **** with. I'm not a good person. I know that. And maybe this ****** life of mine is karma for that. But I swear to god. I'm trying. I am. Will you love me? I miss love. Even when it got messy. I want to sleep with somebody. Feel something. I'm not nice. I can't have a nice guy. I'm sorry. I can't. I'm rough and I'm a ***** and when I make love it's passionate and fleeting and everything. Will you be there? I want to spend less time faking. I want to take midnight walks in the park and swing and go to the store and buy gelato. I want dates and kisses and doing that thing where you hold me and I rest on your hips with my legs around your waist. You don't have to like me a lot. I don't like me a lot. Just be there. I don't know who this is to. Maybe it's you. The one reading it. I do have a fantasy about meeting somebody through hellopoetry or tumblr or anything. You'll be reading my stuff, smoking a cigarette or eating or just sitting and you'll think "She's crazy." But you'll smile. Can that happen? Or is that just a sad girls fairy tale. I don't look like my picture anymore. I cut off all my hair. I'm not pretty. I'm not like the others. I'm me. And I"m different. I hate coffee, but I want to do slam poetry in a dark coffee shop and drink dark coffee. So, I'm teaching myself. It's late and I'm rambling and I don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry about that. One. Day. I'll find it. My *** of gold isn't money. It's you. I don't know if soul mates exists. Or somebodys. He was right. We think we know, but we don't. But even if you are just my somebody for a little while that's good. I just want to meet you. Be my best friend. Please. I'm so tired of being alone and pretending like it's all okay. I don't have to pretend on here. I don't have to pretend. I want to spend less time pretending. Help me.

Sometimes I feel like there's a deep hole inside of my heart, a void that at times seems to burn.

Its funny to think about, but I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.
Waves of powerful emotion thrashing against a cold hearted wall, thats long forgotten how to feel at all.

I have this dream of being happy, and whole.
Not going to bed every night..
Waiting..
Wanting..
Wanting something that may not even be in the cards for me.

I just wanna be seen.
I just wanna be loved.
I just wanna be somebodys somebody.
I just want..
The real thing..


The kind of love that whispers softly to your soul and lights you up like the fourth of july.
The kind of love that with just a kiss, time slows down and the world melts around you..like a flame to a candle.

But its hopeless to dream...
Sometimes I think, maybe I already had my chance at happiness..

Maybe I was supposed to feel the crash and burn of unrequited love.

Maybe the firey second degree burns from that firey end was suposed to be my lessons learned..

I dont know...
I know that I dont want to believe it.
But maybe love just isnt meant to be...


For me.

i remember a time,
when i was young,
about the age of twelve,
i came to a realisation with myself.
i was entering a stage of puberty then,
trying to figure out what was happening to me,
made things difficult you see,
especially,
when you have no one to talk to about these things,
not even your family.
what made me come to the realisation that i was ugly,
was the emphasis of that word placed in my life,
as i was growing up,
by my mom and dad.
it made me feel weak like a mouse,
when they always reminded me of how i won't grow to be beautiful,
or the star i someday wished to be.
and so i faced reality,
i allowed that word to sink deep inside of me,
seeping into my heart,
mind,
it made my life a misery,
i hated the reflection i saw on the mirror,
because i couldn't stand the fear,
the mirror inflicted on me.
i grew up believing that i would never be pretty,
or somebodys,
somebody.
until i met you,
my friend,
my brother,
lover to the end.
you gave me courage to believe in myself,
that i was a beautiful creation of God,
and that God placed me on earth for a purpose in life.
through you and God i found a greater love like no other,
and those words of pain no longer mattered to me anymore,
God loves me just the way i am.

deception, a tool of liquid love, used to shelter the helpless from inescapable truths that to reveal would disturb,


love, a panic of sorts that sees truth in another and finds comfort in the ugly along with the beauty

death, a baby step along the narrow staircase of a not so practical existence

chaos the absence of order in which the laws of creation have been disfigured and distorted

sheltered: the forceful removal of somebodys right to experience the rest of society as it truly is

lies: the common practice when approaching  loves inability to tolerate the ugly

for shame: the disgrace kovu brought upon himself after there was an assassination  attempt on simba in the renowned Disney film

denial: a tool the mind uses to dance around a painful truth that self love has the inability to tolerate and deception is the only means by which to survive

liberation, an expression of profound inner truth used to relinquish the souls captivity within the damning prison of mortal secrecy