i've been silent for a while
my words hold a numb distance
all simple and docile
it will return, but for now, good riddance

the waves no longer rage
or beg for me to stay
and the winter is passing
and for air, i'm no longer gasping

i am breathing and i am grounded
i am solidified and no longer broken
some sort of tranquility, i've found it
but it's left me so softspoken.

I wish I had known
Long before now
That I was doing everything wrong.

That the things
I did and said
Were of so little help,
So little merit,
So little worth,
That they made me
Mean so little to you.

I wish I had known
Long before now
That it is not enough
That I should love you
Unconditionally.
Everyone in your life
Must follow suit
In what I do
For you to bear the
Smallest fraction of happiness.

They say that one person
Can make such a difference
In your life.
But I feel that I make
No difference at all either way,
That should I stay
Or should I go,
Your life would move on without me.
I feel that my presence
Makes no more difference
Than my absence would,
Should I vanish from your life.

I feel I am simply existing,
At your side,
In waiting.

I wait for the days
When you want to have me at your side,
The days when you smile, and laugh,
And tell me how beautiful I am,
Regardless of what I'm wearing,
How my hair is done (or undone),
Whether or not my makeup is perfect,
Or I am wearing any at all.

I wait for the days when
You come to my door
And as soon as I open it
Pull me into your embrace,
Openly expressing your joy
In seeing me,
In being with me,
In being mine
And calling me yours.
In making me feel like
No one else could ever bring
Such a smile to your face,
And such a warmth
To your eyes.  

I wait for the days when
You wrap me in your arms
With a strength that I imagine
Can only be borne of love,
Shielding me, protecting me,
Safeguarding me in your unending
Quest to be all that I want,
Though you already are.

I wait for the days
When you kiss my forehead gently,
And in that kiss
Express that
I am yours to love in my entirety,
To protect in my frailty,
To bring along with you
As you tread your path of life,
As your partner in crime,
Your co-pilot,
Your fellow adventurer.

I wait, now, for those days
That used to be everyday
In our little utopia.

I wake in the morning
With the hope that today,
I will make you happy.
That I will bring light and color
Into your life and your world,
As you once so often told me
That I did.

I wake with the hope that today,
I will be special to you,
And beautiful,
Priceless,
Treasured,
Wanted,
Loved.

I wake with the hope that today,
I'll get it right.

I'll get it right, won't I?

Maybe I just need to try a little harder.

But such days, now,
Are few and far between.
More like a game of chance
Which I hope I can win,
At least every
Now and then.  

I know not where I went wrong.
So I can only offer an apology,
A small, fragile thing
In my trembling, outstretched hand,
In hopes that you will take it from me
With the same gentleness
And delicate care
That you once employed with me.


I am sorry that I have failed you.


I am sorry that I am not
Enough for you,
That I am only one person,
And as such,
Can only give you
What one person may.

I am sorry that my softspoken words,
Of encouragement, of comfort,
Managing to cover
Debilitating inner pain
That I could not make everything
Right for you,
Were not enough.

Could I have said more?

I'm sorry that my gentle touch,
Easing the furrow in your
Worried brow,
Working the stress
From your shoulders and back,
Upon which you carry
Far too much,
Holding you as you were ill
Or upset,
Or too tired and weary of the world
For anything more than
Laying in my arms,
Was not enough.

Could I have done more?

I'm sorry that I possess
Very little in the way
Of material goods,
That I could not help you more
In your search for a way
To have a better, richer,
More fulfilled life.

I wish I had more to give you.
Had I the world in my palm,
It would be yours,
And all that was in it,
Yours as well.

Could I have given more?

I have, in truth,
Done my best.
I have given all that I had,
And all that I could,
And still more that was not
Really mine to give.
I have never wanted so much
To give all of everything,
In every way,
To someone.
And it tears at my heart,
Claws of gargoyles,
Nails of coffins,
Thorns of roses,
That I don't have a way
To do such a thing for you.

I am only sorry
That what little I did have,
Likened to the offerings
A peasant might possess,
Were of meager proportions
That could not satisfy you.

My heart shatters
As a bauble falling
To an unforgiving,
Concrete end,
As I tuck myself
Into a half-empty bed,
Wishing your warmth
And your smile
Were coming at me
From the other side.

If a pair of arms to hold you,
A pair of ears to listen,
A mouth to speak kind words
And remind you how much
You are loved,
A heart that beats for you
And shakes violently
At the thought that it might have
Lost its worth in your eyes,
Are ever what you seek,
And are what might make you happy,
I will be here.

I will always be here.


I am so sorry....

*...that I failed you.

You are intricate.
Tracing neurotransmissions down your spinal column,
from freckle to L4,
turning slow motor momentum.
It's my weighted moment,
my wordplay peachfuzz.

Silence, silencio, silent night,
simple sectors seething softly,
like a whistling tea kettle with
mutational falsetto (puberphonia).

Words are flowing,
just tripping their way around my e lin- sheath.
If I had to guess,
I would assume that neurochemical firings occur to the beat of softspoken dubstep.

Boy meets girl
Boy really likes her
Boys fallin' in love
Nothin' can come between em'
But girl kinda likes him
Every time she see him
She leave him heart broken
Cause boy's softspoken
With makeups to break ups
Boy wants this figured out
Girl wants to kick him out
Boy never had love
But she don't really have love
So Love is dyin' ***
Its time for you to run

And so
went the rose
with her lively red and
gleaming blossoms
and i, the iris
softspoken and hushed
by her loud appeal
And so
she paced as I
watched her beauty
and grace as I
smelled her sweet perfume
And
so
she thought she wasn't
gorgeous
but i was the one
who was gorgeous
what is gorgeous
but a word for the
masses
and so
say i to the rose
do you feel the same next to
me as you do
the other roses
how can i
she says
out there i am
not in the presence of
such beauty

your soul
a purple field
of dreams
softspoken
dewy flowers
outpouring love
its covering
uprooting weariness
uplifting the spirit

I'd like to ask you to repeat what you just said but I'm afraid to ask.
I've never been able to bring myself to ask anything, in fear of being wrong or sounding dumb.
This is a predicament, without questions I don't know what I'm doing but I cannot force myself to ask you.
I cannot ask you to make an exception for me either, for I don't speak up at all.

How does one just ask a question? I freak out about just speaking.
I can't even speak up above my name being pronounced wrong!
Could you please repeat your explanation? I'm softspoken and don't like speaking.
I can't bring myself to physically ask you so I just look miserable until you ask what's wrong.

Questions. It's all I have, yet I can't bring myself to say anything.
These anxieties I have are dead weight, I can't keep going.
I hate it all. Why can't I speak up? Why can't I ask questions? What's wrong with me?
Am I incorrect?

It's all the same depressing thoughts. "You're never going to make it through life."
I hear it every day. The same phrase. It repeats itself, something I could never do.
I can't feel anything because of this, I feel the need to repress it.
I'm going to ask again; could you please repeat yourself?

Every day I want to go home
Every day I want to go home,

When it rains, when my heart pours,
when I smile, when I frown

Every day I feel a little bit closer to forgetting about it
remaking the nest that was once ours,
yours and mine,
mine and yours,

but then again it all comes crashing back to me,
I feel like curling up inside myself
and living in my memories

For how softspoken they are,

It's a warmth I can't replace, so easily
So when I'm scared, I feel so drawn
Again and again,

In reckless awareness
Every day.

The boy really likes her
Boy's fallin' in love
Nothin' could come between them
But Girl kind of likes him
So every time she sees him
She leaves him heartbroken
Cause Boy's softspoken
So
Girl manipulates him with makeup to breakups
Cuz Boy ain't got his cake up
And can't take her shoppin'
So
Boy's self-conscious
So every little bit, he gets
He emptying his pockets
To spend it on She
But She doesn't see a future with him
Cause
The girl kinda stuck-up
Through all of the fits
The boy still loves her
Boy still committed
But
The girl ain't with it
So she doesn't visit much
He doesn't have a whip
So
They don't get to kick it
So Boy misses Girl
But Girl stays distant
Phone calls shorter than a ******
Now he gets it
He can't let go
Cause every time she tries to end it
Boy tries to fix it
The boy wants this figured out
The girl's trying to kick him out
But boy's tryin' to figure out
Just how to make it work cause
The boy never had love
But she doesn't really have love
So they don't really have love
Pretending as it hurts her to leave him
So Girl's crying while listing the reasons
Believing all that **** she's shovelling
Love is dyin' ***
And I ain't tryna fight to get you to wind up with a sheet of tissue
I'm done, darling
Cause all this bawling won't convince you but
I think about it sometimes