To the girl who will one day take my last name
I want to tell you that you look beautiful,
Beautiful like in the way the summer sun bends around the north pole because it refuses to set its constant and lasting
Just like the way my heart jumped the moment i saw you for the first time and it has refused to come down
Everytime since, when i see you, although i have never been much of a dreamer, i daydream about all the things i want to do to you like...
Make you smile... or blush
So that my daydreams will have the perfect backdrop of love to memorize your every freckle, and then i want to drink the smile i put on your face beause i know it is the only thing that can quench my thirst
I want to tell you that I want to learn ballet, just so i can catch you everytime you jump and make sure that ill never let you fall... unless it's for me...
I want to learn to draw
Because I want to draw my way into your life, van gogh my way into your past present and future, i want to spend my whole life with you, and on your dying day i want to roundhouse kick death for even thinking of taking you away from me
But most of all i want to make you... happy
Happy in a way that is unexplainable
Like why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near
It would be to easy to say that just like me they long to be close to you
And i want it to be unexpected like when you fall asleep after a long day
Slowely at first and then it engulfs you completely
I want to tell you that I want you to be able to feel the sunlights warm caress even on the darkest of days
And on days when you can't see the stars in the night sky
I will cut stars out of my paper heart
Even though they always seem to rip when held in hands that aren't careful enough
and then I want to hang them from your ceiling
So you will always have something beautiful to look at
And if you would just notice me I promise that I can love you like that...
But instead when I finally noticed that you caught me staring at you about 15 minutes ago... I opened my mouth and instead of all the soliloquies that dance through my head whenever you saunter into a room all that came out was hi.....
I think it was a good start.

Peaceful place,
With not much space,
With lots of green plants,
Along with hidden ants,
My garden.
Every day,
From twelve to three,
He comes to visit me.
"Hoo hoo hoo",
He talks to me,
But i never could'm see.
He became my best friend,
With whom i never had to pretend,
He would listen, i would talk,
I'd never had to balk.
The day was gloomy,
It ought to rain,
I've felt so puny,
I've felt great pain.
I did something bad,
At least that's what he said,
And I was punished,
While i thought :
"God, why am i not dead ?"
The days passed slowly by,
And i was just looking at the sky,
I coulden't move,
The bruises could that prove.
"Hoo hoo hoo",
I heard again,
And thought :
"So you didnt left me then"
"Hoo hoo hoo",
"I'm here for you",
I raised my look,
There he was, next to me,
I could finally see.
I wish i could pet him on the head,
But I couldn't rise my hand,
"Hoo hoo hoo",
"I'm here for you"
He said and look to the skies,
While my tears have dries,
And I slowely closed my eyes.
We escaped from the pain,
I was happy again.

I can fall in love
with someone I don't know

But can I fall in love
with someone I know too well?

Holding a conversation like I'm holding flowers. I saw only pleasure with my naked eyes; I bet she could've been a president cause she got bush... My fingers slipped slowely next to a cave similar to the one found in Oudtshoorn. And now she's breathing heavily as if we having an uphill conversation...

#****, I'm so innocent I should've been a Judge...

empty bottles,
shattered glass,
blood lying on the floor,
What have we done?

slowely I open my eyes again,
The light is to bright,
What have we done?
I feel so sick.

There is old blood sticking on my bare skin
What have we done?
I can't remember,
My mind doesn't seem to work.

What have we done?
I grave for more,
I want to fill the emptiness in my heart,
Want once again feel your touch.

my mind is corrupted,
My heart is empty,
I tried to fill it with drugs and pain,
What have we done?

The floor need to be cleaned,
I need to get clean,
What have we done?
We were so despaired.

Our hearts were so empty,
What have we done?
we didn't see.
we didn't care.

What have we done?
filling our empty hearts with liquor and xtc,
like that could take away the loneliness,
we had in our broken hearts.

what have we done?
I ask myself as I see the bottles and the blood,
And your slowly cooling body lying next to me,
What have we done?

The moon settled behind the midnight clouds as its glow illuminated the landscape. I imagined you sleeping peacefully somewhere inside a warm pair of arms. Dreaming of waterfalls and mountain tops. No longer trapped inside a snow globe , taking in life a thousand miles an hour. You were always able  to free yourself from that birdcage you loved so much, you just weren't aware of how far your wings could take you. Now each night I lay beneath the stars waiting for the sun to slowely rise in hopes to get a glimpse of you soaring through the mornings orange and blue sky; free like you always should've been.

The tide rose slowely its intent was clear

To erase all memories of your love I held dear

I let you go that fatefull day ,I set you free , not for you but for me

The salty air it cleansed my soul ,as over it all the tide did roll

I walk alone from that place ,at peace with your fall from grace

the lock thats kept it in all these years has slowely rusted and the lock wont budge when i try to unlock it a heart is really hard to unlock the feelings of when its been beaten and broken...

the only flowers you ever gave me
were plastic
but i still smell them
they smell of plastic, candlewax, and maybe even a little of you

if you had given me flowers
the real kind
would i have sprayed them with something, or dried them?
i would
i would have tried to save them, just like i tried to save our love

it would have been fairer if the flowers you gave me were real
cause maybe i would have seen them die, slowely
despite my efforts
maybe it would have prepared me for the death of our love
maybe i would have realised, before it happened

and maybe, i wouldn't be staring at plastic flowers now

long nights
short stories
dreams don't last long
hours, slowely passing
just a room, a bed, and me
lying still, but also lost
not going to admit how scared I am
not going to admit I'm still lonely
not going to sleep until I do
Some vivid dreams followed
by more hours of being awake
then daytime
which is even worse
than trying to fall asleep

"I know  its not easy... and I  know  having  to constantly put up  this fisade or act  to me and to the  world is  slowely consuming  you...
But know I  see you... I see the  real you. Under the muck and miry clay  of this  pit... I see you.
I know its growing  to much for you. I know its not  easy and its not going to get  much easier anytime soon. But  I'm  here. I'm  not going anywhere. If  you prayed  for a point of  stability  to hold  you together. Well its arrived. Didn't  come with a pretty  bow and it sure has some  dents and bruises. But its yours. We will work at it... everyday...
Will get better..."
A.C.V

I saw the pain in your eyes the night we left.
A tormented hollow look that chilled my soul.
All was lost in the grey eyes I saw.
Nothing screamed back in those **** eyes.
Too damage beyond repair.
Not even a reflection of a light from the living room glistened into your eyes.
A useless carnage of a human piece of meat was the way you remained that night.
I never felt lost until I couldn't see into those eyes.
Merky with pain and soon the apathy you will surely devlop.
All the love in the world won't save you my dear boy.
A crushed rib caged penetrates your heart, sticking fragments of the wreckage into your heart.
All is lost and I can't bare the thought of you being dead while you still breathe.
Your heart bleeds out.
Tainted as it is black.
Your no human anymore.
Just a ghost of a person I loved.
Still love with the mental affliction to see that there is something there.
My heart knows there is not.
But I can't burry you now.
I need you even if your not there.
More than ever.
Please help me.
**** me fast.
Loving you is killing me slowely with a repeative stake going in and out of my heart.
Please shed a tear it should be somewhere near.
That we must go and finally be put to rest.

I feel your loss
as your hand encloses on mine
A thousan memories rushing
that have never or will occur
that have no life or breath

Your death already picked, determined
Your clife closing, faster, slowely
through the moments and drops
of tears,
the soul being ravaged

Your pain is fleeting, and ours stays
you will be gone

You want me safe and protected
but already the cracks
across my heart spread
the decay moving slowely

Your love will keep me
and I will not break completly
my heart is not porcelain
a few cracks will not consume
My Love for You

slowely caressing souls
on a voyage to understand you.
with each healing intent,
i intend to fix something i have broken.
to reach through the breached breaks
affixing each fixes until i walk upon the unbreached wall in your heart where is home,
but to enter welcomed.
a place where they speak my name with gentle loving lips.

So I were
Standing in the middle of nowhere
Choked up
as no word could come out of my mouth.

And, yes, I didnt feel a thing
No fear nor pain
Like all what s here was taken with last tear.

Somehow I was born new
Stood on the edge of the sheer cliff
And there was emptiness, no sound to be heard.

I laughed like a child
It felt so light
I was flying
While slowely immersing in the peace of darkness.

I found myself in a far away land
There was me but without the shadows
Of anger and fear, my lost two friends.
It felt safe, new
So simply good, even without you.