Why am I not Happy?
I live a good life.
I'm not hungry
I'm not worrying about my medicine
I have a roof over my head.
But why am I not happy then?
Is it because of that whispering thought
Your friends think your annoying
Your parents are tired of you
And you feel even sadder.
But then that other voice pipes in.
What are you doing!?
Why are you feeling so sorry for yourself?!
And you become guilty
What are you doing?!
You have a house and clothes
Food and medicine
Stop moping around!
And you feel even worse
You start aching
When you walk
And when you breath
And you become tired.
And soon, crying is every day
You can't tell anyone
And soon you feel the worst part
Of this vicious slope
Now you're alone.
I despair for the future of this country
It's been run far too long by such fools
Who have taken away adults power
And given the children no rules
We really need discipline back in schools.
I shudder to think where we're all going to be
If grown ups respect can not gain
The behaviour of children so insane
This country's heading straight down the drain.
Light headed, wandering unknown
through a world that has grown
molded around new hearts
Floating above an era towards something more
spirits soar, becoming lost in a
In a world so perverse, becoming crystallized forever
Within its own coffin of abstract love these machines
march synchronized. Following a manual preset
to live out tired lives.
Each detail, each texture lit upon a soft petal
is ignored. The eyes of children are no longer innocent.
Who knows more of the world than anyone will know?
Yet determined of self-destruction we kill our pathos
We dissolve into a world unbeknown to its fate.
Then let us perish together at once
And feed upon the greed and hatred of those once noble men.
Let us suckle at the breast of ignorance and fan the flames of madness.
In that must we find solace
And within our own fortress seek our own version of purity.
Submit to the will of what we cannot control
And in the end smile because we are finally
So many hurts
from the past,
so many aches
to last and last.
It's like carrying
a giant boulder
on your shoulders
each and every day--
the weight, the pain
to just go away.
What, I wonder
if you could let it go
Just drop that boulder
and watch it roll
down the slope
of doubt and pain
never to be seen again?
it's as easy as all that--
just drop it down
a wide open vat.
No need to carry
past hurts, past fears
Those all belong to
those long ago years.
No reason, you see
to hang onto anymore
those hurts and aches
that are from way before.
Today is here now
waiting for you to take hold
Don't be afraid--
Strike out and be bold!
Letting go will most
certainly set you free--
So let your Freedom ring
and you will most certainly be
Light in your heart
With a brand new soul
just waiting to find out
where it is you will go--
You will find real purpose,
real meaning for you--
Now, wasn't that easy to do?
©Pamela Rae 04.18.2014
Well, I finally stated the truth. "idk I'm just tired of it, this drunkness is false happiness." glares up at me as I look about my room. Broke my painting, my sunglasses, wrecked my arm, my liver. Shaking and quivering from too much to drink to the kitchen sink. I think it's time to stop.
a bodhisattva can fly
a thinker can sink
a buddha can be happiness
an existentialist can try to disprove it
on a walk, a stroll on a path littered with questions, a man asks himself ‘why?’
on that walk, a woman answers ‘there is no ‘why?”
while swimming, she drowns and asks ‘what is death?’
during that swim, a fish answers ‘there is no ‘death?”
while sleeping, the fish asks ‘who am i?’
in that dream, i answer ‘there is no ‘i”
while living, i ask ‘what is it to be happy?’
during that life, the sky answers ‘there is no ‘happiness”
i said ‘thank you. thank you, sky. you are too kind’
i will breathe you up and know that there is nothing. i will be content. nothing.
I didn't realize that the moments I shared with you, would have to be tucked neat and pretty into the crevices of my heart. I didn't realize that I would be left to remember for the both of us, or that the friend that I should have been was nowhere to be found. I'm sorry. I know in comparison to others you knew, it doesn't matter. My memories are slim, and fleeting glimpses. But I wanted to know you better, more, I wanted to be a sounding board and instead I let your secrets fall from my mouth like stolen gems. There's no one else here to blame. God, you are so brave, I can barely stand it.
The corporate sports shop has erased the swim section with snow sports
and I can't find those jagged ear plugs I like there
must go back local to where I got half a wet suit
made by O'Niel, the inventor from my home town
and I remember a friend who was a great skier and even
better ski bum, and he hung out with Tommy Moe in Wyoming and
he almost put his eye out going down a Black Diamond slope stoned
and maybe that's brave, but I don't think so really because true bravery in
my mind is rarely physical, and most commonly, but perhaps rarely mental
as I see the Christmas shoppers like every year doing the same things and dysfunctional
families everywhere pretending to get along when they'd rather kill each other
understanding why, like Freud first tried to show us, in his strange 19th century way
has led to a situation where everyone could understand why, what really drives them
and so few do, because it is scary and expensive and long term and frustrating and you have to go back
over and over and realize you are doing the same damn thing over and over and it's worse than
school when you were a kid, when it was just over and over and a teacher blaring at you until
you finally got it and moved on, because that can really happen. You can get it and move
on and you won't need the salve of the alcohol or the forty big screen TVs or endless ballgames
watched as if they held some kind of key to a special universe and if just one more game, like one more quarter in that slot machine, and what you are really running away from is yourself and your pain.
And I am different, it is true, because that inner journey to understanding is essential to me and
psychology is amazing, how the mind tries to protect us from ourselves by creating more distraction
when we all have that Black Diamond Slope to go down and it is scary and frustrating
and we may fall but in the end we will understand. And that is the most important thing.
Soon it will snow where she is
but here it never snows only sleets,
and shits little ice pellets
on the streets.
Winter days remind me
how I miss the moon,
how far it is between
autumn and forever,
And how close it is
between you and I,
compared to the unreachable
emotional chasms we create.
Slippery chasms of
sleet and snow…….
and when I finally went home
she didn't even know
I was gone,
I slid right past her silent sighs
as if being loved was