i wish
that every part of you was erased from me
but little bits of your lingo
are stuck in my memory
i can't seem to shake the smallest details
the way you tap your foot
skateboarding rusted rails
your stupid tattoos
and midnight blues
nights alone in the car with nothing to do
but all i wanted was to be next to you

i still think of you
every time i hear those songs
we rode around to in the night
without you they sound wrong
and i still remember the littlest pieces of writing
id pass to you under the table
or send in the middle of the night
just to make sure that you knew i loved you

and i wish we could've lasted until the spring
because that winter was the coldest
in this midwest haunting
wasting away every day without you
every minute away made me doubt you
but i can't get you off my mind
the way you play my acoustic guitar
you've got the songs, i've got the rhymes
******* your smile lit up the room,
i've never seen anything like it
bout now i'm just trying to forget it

but your eyes are ingrained in my mind
like the lines in your palms
i can’t stop fantasizing
entwined with my own
and getting rid of your stuff
was so much harder than i thought
tearing out everything i wrote about you
but i still havent forgot 
the way your breathing sounds when youre asleep
essences of you are invading my dreams
that night i should have never let you in my bed
please please please
just get out of my head

trying to be like Jimi,
smashed my guitar to bits like the Who did,
gave up painting when I saw Van Gogh's
works,
gave up skateboarding
when I broke my ***,
gave up dancing when Disco came around.
But, when I heard Emerson, Emily , Thoreau ,
Whitman , EE *******  or Poe,
I just wrote more.

He’s skateboarding over a million petals
As if he was skating on water
And it’s so, so beautiful
She snaps a picture on her phone
But the moment she saw him
She was sure she’d never forget him
He’s just so, so beautiful

I know I'm a terrible baker
You don’t have to eat it
It's not a big deal
he explains

It was his first time trying to make something
So, so beautiful

Strawberry Shortcake is nothing more
than sweet biscuits with sweet cream and strawberries
Serve it with a little tea
Serve it with a little coffee
And that's enough for her
Because she thinks people who try are
So, so beautiful

She explains
yeah, it doesn't look pretty
but I appreciate the effort
So, let's clean up the kitchen

His only midnight customer
Keeps the shop open late just for her
It’s a slow love
It’s a colorful love
And it’s so, so beautiful
But they don’t say a word to the other
about feelings falling like a million petals
over the city
She snapped a picture
and he was sure he'd never forget her
She’s just so, so beautiful

They were laughing
And it was
So, so beautiful
They were laughing
And it was
So, so beautiful

So, so beautiful

Addict.
Maybe we should all tell you straight up, before you even know our middle names

I'm an addict. Yes, drugs. Yes, I have dreams, and parents, and friends who don't take drugs, and even friends who think I'm still sober, and this relapse is just that a relapse and it'll be over quite soon I'll show you

And I do want more out of life than this. Personally, I would like to travel, but don't we all. I'd also like to get good at skateboarding and writing and dating pretty people.

But yeah, there is the whole addiction thing. So let's get it out of the way. Don't love me, honestly. It'll hurt you almost as much as it'll hurt me to watch myself hurt you, because as much as I don't want it to happen, I'll destroy myself, and if you love me you'll see it, and you can't stop it, and if you love me it'll hurt you to see me hurt, and it'll hurt me back, and it's honestly just a world of hurt where I'm coming from.

But if I get sober, and I will, I'll show you that I can be as good as all those other non-addicts running around saying no to drugs. And you'll love it. And I'll be good to you.

Our paradise is right around the corner.

Just let me take a few more hits first.

We won't always remain who we think we are.
By chance, hard work, or just through
Our natural trajectory of life,
We transform into a stronger, wiser, better, us.

I used to fail physical education.
Never into sports, hated it with a passion.
Now I exercise thrice a week -
Skateboarding, ice skating, muay thai, & yoga.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still physically weak.
Only liking exercise
Just enough to be healthy.

When my first love broke my heart,
I felt like being torn apart.
Heart swelling like it's been stung  
By all the hurt I couldn't contain.
But as I grew larger my heart stretched,
Now accommodating
Both love and pain.

I was never one for religion,
And surprised myself when I started reading,
Thinking about God,
Wondering, hoping...

I always thought I had a gift for pessimism.
"Why so emo?" they liked to chime in.
It took a spiral to the sightless abyss,
Before I found comfort in the darkness.
With blinded eyes I've seen a fraction
Of the world's beauty,
Filling me
With a thirst for more,
To scents and sounds I've never been.

Life finds us in funny ways,
We are capable of more than we think.
Doing things greater
Than we ever imagined.

Change is the only constant,
And to change is to grow,
To grow is to live.
To remain stagnant is to regress,
And that is the opposite of living.

****** oathe I am cool, mate
Don’t ya think
I am the coolest dude in Canberra
Don’t ya think
I really oh really the coolest dude around
I am cool very cool yes indeed
****** oathe I am very cool
Don’t ya think
I know how to be very cool
Don’t ya think
Everyone in this town
Thinks I am so cool
****** oathe I am cool
Don’t ya think
I am into watching football
I am into watching Netflix
I love life when I go out anywhere
I like watching sports like skateboarding comps
Because that kind of sport makes me cool
I have memories of being at the skatepark having fun
I never could ride a board mate
But I still had fun
Everybody knows I am the coolest dude around
And nobody can take my cool away
****** oathe I am cool mate
Oh yes I am
I used to party in the clubs drinking gross drinks
What I can’t understand why people choose to follow in my footsteps
Maybe it is because I am so cool
****** oathe I am cool
Everyone
I know people like me, ****** oathe.
I know ****** is rude but it is still cool oh yeah
I am cooler than everyone

I’ve seen trees in white dust covered in red barks so to lean asking the dark-skinned civilian soldier to dance, to ****
as cranes stood awfully still in the night vigil of unsupported rhythmic rant, as mosque songs flew in cacophony with her
mental amber, whose face drips off at semi-covered sick puddle with dissolved soft tissues in magnificent soccer performance
and entering an expensive trance to answer foster homes or metro-stop problems selling large and loud fried mechanisms
of lively things, of trendy modes of being, as borrowed bikes lie unruly besides the rock, not locked but saddled down
not the saddened frown of foreigners, British consuls, forced English speakers or almost bald kindly smiling losers
that protests this portrayal, oh-so-heavily in cynicism’s eye, in the proud rooster display of really bad water quality
as I choose to not holler my soul out nakedly there, but over here where the prettiest girl in a hijab does smile
at her pious children playing wild, such bliss, that I would never know from the white thick films of her grandfather
that is mean to say, “someone down that ancestral seam must have done something.” implying folly, nothingness
in our libertarian mistletoe waltzing in suits and formal wear all andante in terminating station’s bugle’s sheer force
at its permissive admittance of goodbyes, in wispy accents that bothers your courageous boss’s college graduate daughter
at the cruel light-blue decoration bulbs draped across coconut trees that never fruit and hence is safe for the street
at the murals and skateboarding sites overfilled with graffitied mathematical equations in proud display of young idealism
at freshly brought cheap soy sauce smells rising high over no chimneys and new energy
for those without another home to smile wistfully
before bumping into the traffic lights, running amok, declaring themselves chickens.

we finally bought a house,
it was the one our families rented out for vacation one summer.
that was notable since it was the one we’d hurry to run away from
trail down to the beach and
we made a fire on the sand.
of course we had to set up a tent and
we were back by morning but every now and then we’d look up through the yellow windowsill to see if the lights were on,
just making sure no one noticed we were gone.

through the yellow windowsill
we’d exchange faces while i was in the house
doing the dishes and you’d taunt me
you’d be outside
soaked of your own sweat after skateboarding.
your sweat didn’t stop you from stealing a kiss before you left me alone once again.


through my windowsill though,
the scenery gets darker,
the drizzling rain progressed into windy showers
and it doesn’t feel like i’m here right now.
the oceans waves are at the highest tides now.
crashing.
unforgiving.
seeming almost unstoppable.
i think i need to slow down.
i think fantasy is what i want but reality is what i need
or what we need..

i think i should get my body off the edge of the windowsill.
my imagination is rapid.
help me my love..
my grip is getting slippery..
i’m bound to fall..

Welcome to eden
where fruit grows lush and ripening
Apples are everywhere
sweet sin and blooming night
Won't you follow me into the garden?
Sin is shining and burning and
Piercing into my skin without consequence except
The obvious one
Falling all around me in this heavenly nightmare
Welcome to eden
God is dead
And opening its flowers all around me
Is summer sadness
Where my soul is too big for my body
Buds and tainted polaroid pictures
Skateboarding and bleach tipped hair
Everything is destruction
Welcome to eden
Find or lose a person and make them your religion
Welcome to eden where
I was always Eve except now i’m the snake

I like skateboarding, snowboarding, parties, old cartoons, poptarts, cookies, flirting, baggy sweatshirts, cuddles, kisses, rock and rap, and getting drunk, high to escape the crap. Yet I still don't know how to dance. Too bad.

You have this scar on your right collarbone, about 4-5 inches long. Rods underneath help keep it intact, you can feel the screws if you run your fingers over it.
You said you broke it while skateboarding 6 years ago, I figure you tried to do some trick that felt right in that moment. A trick I would probably drool over, if I'm being honest.
Sometimes you get insecure when you notice me looking at it or touching it, and I don't understand why. It's pink hue reminds me of the sky at the perfect time of day, when it's not too hot or too cold outside.
I imagine you went through a lot of pain to acquire that piece. I hear that pain is beauty, and it's definitely more beautiful than any sunset I've seen.

Best friends until the end
You know that will never change
Things might be different now
But they'll always be the same

Fourteen years old
Just two punk rock kids
Skateboarding and sneaking out
All the classes we would ditch

You know that I spent most of my nights with you
At your house there on Laredo Vista Avenue

Fast forward 10 years
There's no classes to ditch
I know if I didn't finish my beer
You'd be the first to call me a *****

When you and I get together
We're always doing stupid ****
Memories we won't remember
Except the fences that we've hit

If anyone asked I was always getting drunk with you
At your house there on Laredo Vista Avenue

I know I've left home
More times then I'd like to admit
But with you still at home
I just couldn't commit

Although a thousand miles away now my home is still there with you
Right there in Lake L.A. on Laredo Vista Avenue.

Small city, big dreams
Century-old churches,
Closed recreational parks,
Crummy streets,
Beat-up roads, huge malls
Unpainted houses, fresher air,
Homemade pancakes for lunch,
Cheap hamburgers and skateboarding shoes.

People come and go,
Uncherished moments,
and then Johnny said, "you can't put your arms around a memory."

What I want to do?
Well, let me tell you
I want to sing with the bees
Taste the maple dripping down the trees
I want to take a thousand pictures
with old Kodak disposable cameras
And make crazy wild art
I want to write straight from my heart
And sing everyday
I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar
And I want to get better at skateboarding
I want to go whitewater rafting
I want to laugh with friends
I want to travel, oh do I want to travel
This bright wide blue earth

Who do I want to be?
Well, let's see
I want to be kind and gentle
But only when the occasion calls for it
Otherwise
I will be loud but sentimental
Soaking in the vibrancy of life
And loving every moment of it
I want to be the embodiment of love,
but not perfection
I want to be messy, ******* up
and full of foibles
I want to be quirky
and own up to it
I want to be joyful and free
And that's really all there is to me.

.where we going? asks an old crazy... i reply: we're, heading for the 1980s disco inferno! happy? **** yeah... good good, we're bringing Helen of Troy with us... happy? **** yeah! in the interlude some jokes about the, cue... modern crazies; hope you have a pleasant journey.

this is forced, lady Nikita / Natasha /
***** is forcing me to unwind
my tongue in this topic...

so... whenever i self-lacerate,
watching videos by someone like
laineybot...
and her... whatever...
"her"... please, define the masculine /
feminine nature of the word...
chair... i'm dying to know....
oh wait, in English, the grammatical
consensus suggests that
the word, chair...
was, and is, and will be,
gender "neutral"...

me? i'm worried about the PTSD,
the psychotics, the schizophrenics
mind you...

so... transgender "boy" = manic pixie
dream girl?
   **** me... show me your hands...
if i see traits of a geisha...
nope... non-passable...
but a girl with short hair?
so hot...

        so... excluding the PTSD
and the psychotics, the schizophrenics?
hurting?
hurting?
               well...
let's listen to how the following
categorized people...
start, randomly shooting people...
so... who's hurting who, p'ooh bear?

do we seriously need this *******,
where a girl who dons short hair,
and looks like a pixie,
is magically a "boy"?!
                                  what?!
she's just a ******* pixie!
   god... a girl with short hair is so
******* ****...
           why do we have get into
all this defensive *******
about trans-gender?!
i get trans-generation,
i like Roy Orbison...
   but that's not a protected Koala /
Panda project!

oooooooooooooh
ooooooooooooooooooooooh
we w'ah w'allah...
                   no, you lost me...
i started curating to the old school
crazies...
the PTSD, the psychotics,
the schizophrenics...
you know, the ones ready to arm
themselves with a full set of teeth,
M15s and machetes...

so i should be worried
about transgender "males"...
who are actually **** pixie
girls armed with short-haircuts
and strap-on ******?!

i need to watch these sort of videos...
i need...
this self-laceration...
the girl's a ******* pixie!
and she's "thinking" she's a boy
because she's donning the sort of
clothes (baggy) when i took
up skateboarding!

i'm seriously going to concentrate
on the old crazies...
they're the ones with plans...
and the sort of plans...
that usually have the patron "saint"
Shiva behind them...
Shiva? the auspicious one...
   the successful one...
most of the proper crazies' attacks...
actually end up
satisfying the grim reaper.

He is looking at me in frustration,
I failed him once again.
Should chosen a business concentration,
Should have given up a dream of magnificence.

I never play volleyball like other girls,
I was too rough to sit down and be a lady,
I was banned from skateboarding and basketball,
Math was not for girls but I won every time.

But all my efforts have been tried in vain,
As I stumbled in my tomboy skin.
For to him, everything I do will be pointless,
every rebellion is to him yelling in pink.

if the ouroboros is two snakes eating each other’s tails, does it matter which snake bit first?

i’m a newborn foal, brought into the world already walking,
i stumble with my shaky, bony legs,
and i run with my unrefined instincts,
i chomp at the bit.

at the skate park,
i lie on my back and bask in the sun.
my friends are testing their luck on the halfpipe
and i’m dozing off,
watching little boys on razor scooters race each other up ramps.
when i was little, my best friend said i rode a scooter goofy style
(she told me it was a skateboarding term)
because i pushed with my non-dominant foot.
when my roommate teaches me to skateboard,
on a drizzly evening than i spend falling ******* brick roads,
i push with my left as i struggle up the hill.

i always wonder.
i know i’ve seen a foal,
sticking close to its mother,
but i can’t remember where, or when.
i know i’ve watched a snake swallow a mouse whole,
i know i’ve experienced the cruel, cold snap of the mouse trap,
but i don’t remember these things.
i know of the mouse trap but i can’t tell you whether i got to eat the peanut butter before i died,
and i know of being eaten,
but when the snake sinks its fangs into me,
i can’t feel them going in.

i’m hanging out the car window at 1am,
the ice cream is freezing my teeth.
when i got my wisdom teeth out,
they were gone before i could finish counting down from ten.
the worst part wasn’t the foreign discomfort of the iv in my arm,
it was afterwards,
when i knew something had been taken from me
and i hadn’t been present to witness it.

i am a single-snake coiled around itself,
i am a failure of an ouroboros.
i’d rip off my own tail before i bite someone else’s,
and now i bite down on the ragged stump desperately,
as if my will alone can stop the blood.

i have forgotten to witness something. maybe i just wasn’t paying attention.
i read the sparknotes after the fact.
i’ve been given the facts of their life,
this person whose shedded skin i slipped into,
but none of the most visceral, intimate details.
i know to be disgusted but no one ever told me why.
i know to accept the slimy warmth of my own blood in my mouth,
but i don’t know why i’m bleeding.

i would stop another snake’s bleeding,
if they would stop mine.
they can eat me whole for all i care,
i’ll be their mouse.