Social Anxiety
[so-shull ang-zahy-i-tee]
noun
1. A condition that unexpectedly turns the most colorful canvases gray.

I can't let you see me
Avert your eyes
You'd despise
You'd go blind

I can't let you hear me
Don't listen
Ignore what I say
Forget I exist

Not worthy of your love
Not worthy to be in your presence
Worthless to the core
Worthless from the start

I can't let you touch me
Refrain to feel
I'd taint your skin
It would be a sin

I can't let you love me
You'd be repulsed
You'd be unamused
Cursed with a loveless heart

Not worthy of your love
Not worthy to be in your presence
Graced with an insignificance
Adorned with a crown of failure

Worthless to the core
Worthless from the beginning
Worthless in the heart
Worthless till the end

Cody Shull, 2016

Compel Me
You've tried my carnal patience
With a fleeting glance of euphoria
You've torn my little world apart
Frozen in time, I yearn for this moment
Yet, independent and fancy-free I carry on
There's an ounce of hope inside myself
Just maybe you'll compel me

Bottling up my feelings
Keeping what I had seen a secret
I've grown restless and anxious
Wondering if I'll ever get a second look
I do not dare look into your eyes
If we meet eyes, I've already confessed
But, I'm still curious what you've had in mind

Do not ask why this has consumed me
I am the last one to tell
You've paved my path of indecency a darker shade
Confusing my already tainted road to nowhere
More deep-rooted grime onto my slate
Never to be cleansed until we both give in to the fire
A tempting enough blaze to entice the most stubbornest of moths

Cody Shull, 2017

I buried you under the throes of winter
Frozen stuck, but I will learn to thaw you
Please have confidence in my warmth
Yes, I'm capable, but am I willing?

I promise you I do mean well
Even though I'm deserving of Hell
Yearning to kiss your lips of cold
But, it'll just freeze my soul

Have a little patience for me
I will come around sometime
Have a little faith and you'll see
And I will make sure that you will be mine

Cody Shull, 2017

I'm sorry, I just can't
Leave me alone
I know I have my faults
I'm damaged
No, nothing traumatic happened to me
My life was okay
Nothing great and nothing bad
Just stuck within my bad self image
That I cannot crawl out of
As if anchored to the ocean floor
Suffocating on waves of uncertainty
I know I can't afford to be this afraid
Wasting away the best years of my life
But, it's something greater than myself
And it has possessed every fiber of my being
So, please, leave me be
I will always be alone
I was not meant for this life
Forever alone

Cody Shull, 2017

I did not ask to be born
But, here I am
Alive

I yearn for things
Though, I never want them in the end
Only to disappoint

Never knowing what happens next
Burdened by existence
Cursed to live

Don't ask me how I am
I'll just lie
You don't want the truth

Hiding from discovery
Shunning out the light
At home with the darkness that embraces me

Cody Shull, 2017

Fearful to commit
For slavery I wish not to submit
Liberty wasted away
Pride in decay

I despise what I see in the mirror
Face to face in hate
It doesn't get any clearer
Anguish beginning to pulsate

Abandonment of hope
Nothing remains to help me cope
Left behind emotionally beaten and scarred
Further and further away from normalcy,
I had strayed too far

Struggling to exist
I stand alone

Cody Shull, 2016

Cannot look away
You are all that matters
You're everything, they're nothing
Reach out and take my hand
I'll take you to a celestial land
Don't be afraid
Do not fear, my dear
For I love you most
We complete each other's destiny
We were meant to come together
Together as one
Forever and always
Without end
In eternal loving devotion

Cody Shull, 2017

Another day in the life of a loner
Seeking certain things that seem too out of reach
Always failing, always falling down
Hopelessness grows and grows
Don't know what to do anymore
Lost ambition, low confidence
Sickened to the heart
Feel like dying
Lacking answers
Getting hurt repeatedly
Rejection brands me
Searing pain into my flesh
As I pour a bit of my soul
To a stranger I do not know
No reply at all
Shutting down
I turn myself off
Lost in my depressed thoughts
Overwhelmed by insecurity
I lose myself in despair
Dazed and confused
Everyday seems the same
Blurred are the days
Melancholic
Sad and lost

Cody Shull, 2016

Now is the time to forget the stories of old
Masking us away from things that we will never know
Until death and beyond all things will be known
If there is indeed a final destination
Take it or leave it
Our will is the law
Think for yourself
You make the final decision
Unless you're taken out of your own control
It is what it is
It has been known
It's there for you to decide

Cody Shull, 2017

I just don't know what to do with myself
She's only what my mind dwells on
Her eyes that drew me in
And her sweet tender voice
Yearning for a moment to be with her
Just her and I
Alone

Caught in awe
As her hair blows with the wind
And her pure, pretty complexion
Looking my way, I'm mesmerized
Wordless and nervous
I just don't know what to say

I know if I continue on this selfish path
I'll be left alone in despair
But, she's consumed me
Never will I be free?
Until I let go of this feeling
That has left me reeling

Her immaculate beauty taunts me
Reminding me she will never be mine
Strictly taboo and unorthodox
I guess in the end I'll be fine

Is it merely infatuation?
Intense, yes...but short-lived, no
Will she be my salvation?
To be redeemed I'll never know

I can't resist her addictive presence
As I leave subtle hints of my admiration
Mentally she sends me to a place of pleasance
If I persist, it will just end in adulteration

One sided from the start
Only in my dreams it's real
Trying to coax a spark
Can't seem to set her aflame
Never would I keep her ablaze

Doubting my confidence
I'm proud when I'm alone
Don't know how to go about it on my own
I'm king of nothing, nowhere, and nothing in-between

My adoration echos to the ground
Falling flat without a sound
Left behind in silence
Guilty of this emotional violence

Stuck in a depressive rut
Sinking deeper and deeper
Shackled, unable to be freed
Strapped in for a joyless ride
Stripped of all decency
****** into the void
Swallowed hole

Cody Shull, 2018

Pleasantly lost
Within those windows to your soul
Never wanting to break this trance
Steadily gazing deep
Blissful mesmerization
Eye to eye hypnotic
An eternal stare of serenity
Forgetting past hardship
Losing myself in this moment
Enraptured by beauty

Cody Shull, 2018

Transmitting long distance whispers
Telling you something I couldn't before
Things I felt and still do feel
Hiding from discovery to protect myself
Afraid of being singled out
Fear of being denied
Acting on impulse, but meaning well
Unloading these once hidden truths unto you
To take them or leave them
Believe them true, I would never lie to you
My identity, the only masquerade

Pupils widen, noticing you favor my admiration
You accept my infatuation
Your fondness of my words reveals myself to you
Happy to let you know, glad I let it show
If only we can get face to face
What bliss staring into your eyes would be....

Cody Shull, 2019

Lost within your eyes
Your eyes a pleasant labyrinth
I yearn for no escape
Promise me you'll trap me forever in your gaze
Mesmerized beyond belief
Please, do not dare to look away
I'm not wanting to go astray
Been following your path for years
Lacking confidence, but the determination remains
Persistant flirtation, playing games
Several steps away from victory
Trailing behind and soaked in tears
You're the only one I want, my dear
In more ways than one
To hold you close and never let you go
Within an eternal embrace
You're the one I want here

Thinking of you on rainy days
With the sky above so grey
Matching my mood, the way that I feel
I know I'm needing you bad, because this pain is so real
Lost and alone, always on my own
To contemplate life
Swallowed whole in my own strife
My heart numbed to everything
Waited too long for something too good to be true
A hermit, a victim of my own insanity
Spriralling down with doubts to survive
Dying slow, unloved, and left alone

Cody Shull, 2018

Your eyes were the ones that sealed the deal
Your eyes alone captured me indefinitely
Never will I escape this prison of serenity
No need for a key, for I will forever remain
Within your embrace I am at home
Your lips caress my skin
As I breathed the words I feel
You heighten my every sense
You release life's pressures
You are a treasure, a pleasure to know
A pleasure to have and to hold
I gave into convention when I met you
Before I was blind, but now you make me see
A beautiful life lays in front of me, for once
You gave me your time and understanding
You gave me experience
You gave me hope
Hope for another day
To feel okay
To feel loved
Wanted and treasured

Cody Shull, 2018

Playing with fire
Whenever I engage with you
Burnt each and every time
I have the scars to prove
You bring the heat
With such fiery elegance
I'm cursed to exist to burn
Within the flames of your twisted love
Left smoldering with each visit
When I'm dead, I'll be charred to the bone
Inextinguishable from the start
Your eyes alone pierce right through
Through my fragile soul
You bring Hell
But, you mean well
It's hard to tell
Who I'm dealing with
Deceived since we first met
An infernal goddess
Until the end

Cody Shull, 2018

Swimming through fantasy
Stubborn, yet no turning back
Lost within a dream
Fading away from reality
Pointing out self-perceived perfection
Always meaning well

I'm stuck in the fantasy department
No one to help me out of this labyrinth
Caught indefinitely without certainty of escape
Trying to fantasize my way out

Finding my own secret euphoria
Drowning in waves of fantasy
Engulfed in doubt when reality opens my eyes
Emptiness & silence is all there is
But, I flee to where all senses are alight
I close my eyes for a better world

Stuck in the fantasy department
Nobody exists to help me now
No matter how far I run....
I try to fantasize my way out

© Cody Shull, 2018