THE GOINGS ON OF THE GREAT BARNEY BROMWICH RANCH




  IN THE YEAR OF 1645, A 33 YEAR OLD MAN NAMED BARNEY BROMWICH

DECIDED HE NEEDED TO CREATE A GREAT HOLIDAY RESORT, WHERE THERE IS

A PADDOCK OF HORSES, SO THEY CAN RIDE ALL THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE

YOU SEE BARNEY WANTED THIS TO BE PERFECT, AND HE FIGURED THE ONLY WAY

TO MAKE IT PERFECT, BRING IT INTO AN AREA WHICH HAS A LOT OF GREAT WALKING

AND RIDING TRAILS, AND THERE IS A WONDERFUL RIVER, RUNNING, YEAH THIS IS A GREAT ESCAPE

YOU SEE THEY HAD AS LOT OF ROOMS AND RIGHT NEAR THE ENTRANCE, ON ONE SIDE THERE

IS THE LOUNGE AREA, WHERE PEOPLE SAT AND TALKED ABOUT THEIR DAY, AND ALSO

ON THE OTHER SIDE IS THE KITCHEN AND THE DINING ROOM, WHERE PEOPLE SAT TO EAT

AND EACH MEAL TIME, THERE WERE A LOT OF CHINS WAGGING  IN THAT ROOM

MIND YOU IN THE FIRST 10 YEARS, THERE WERE 45 DEATHS, AND BARNEY WAS ASTONISHED,

BECAUSE, PEOPLE RAN OFF ON BARNEY’S HORSES, AND NEVER CAME BACK, SOME WERE

FOUND DEAD WHILST OTHERS WERE JUST MISSING, BECAUSE THEY WERE LOST CAUSE THE

HORSE, TOOK THEM TOO FAR, BARNEY HAD A HARD TIME WITH THE SHERRIFF, SAYING, THAT

THIS MIGHT NOT BE A GREAT IDEA AFTER ALL, BARNEY DISAGREED AND SHOWED THE SHERRIFF

TO THE FRONT DOOR AND WENT TO HIS LOUNGE, WHERE HIS DEN IS IN THE FIRST DOOR AS HE ENTERS

THE LOUNGE, HE KNOWS IT’S BUDDHAS WILL MAKING PEOPLE DIE, TO END SUFFERING, FROM THESE HARD TIMNES

THERE IS NO MAIN REASON WHY PEOPLE DIE ON ADVENTURES THEY WANTED TO GO ON, NOBODY CAN

ANSWER THAT, NOT EVEN BARNEY, 30 OF THOSE 45 DEATHS, WERE LATER FOUND IN THE DREADED RIVER

WASHED UP ON SHORE, NO TECHNOLOGY TO SAVE THEM, BARNEY WANTED TO DRAIN THE RIVER, CAUSE TOO MANY

PEOPLE DIE FROM IT, BUT THE SHERRIFF AND THE MAYOR AND THE KING SAID, NOBODY IS TAKING THE WATER FROM MY LAKE

AND BARNEY WAS THROWN INTO THE LAKE, HE SURVIVED THAT, BUT HE STILL, FOUND IT HARD AS HIS CLOTHES, WERE

STOLEN, AND IN 1669, CONVICTS FROM ENGLAND CAME TO THIS ISLAND, AND WENT TO THE BARNEY BROMWICH RANCH

TO THREATEN TO BLOW UP THE RANCH, IF THEIR DEMANDS AREN’T MET, THESE CONVICTS ARE REALLY NASTY, THEY WILL

DO ANYTHING TO GET THEIR HANDS ON BARNEY’S LOOT.

SO THE CONVICTS, DECIDED TO LEAVE WITH BARNEY AS A HOSTAGE, AND 5 YEARS LATER, THEY BURNT BARNEY, AND HIS ASHES

WERE SCATTERED IN THE SEA, WHICH EXPLAINS MY FASCINATION FOR RUNNING RIVER WATER, THROUGH THE RAPIDS, BARNEY’

WAS REINCARNATED AS EDWARD TEACH, WHO IS BLACKBEARD THE PIRATE, AND WHEN EDWARD TEACH TURNED 14, AFTER HIS

FATHER THROUGH HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE, FOR BEING ABUSIVE, AND EDWARD STOLE A BOAT, IN THE NEARBY OCEAN, SO HE CAN

BE GUIDED BY THE TERRIBLE DEMONS TO DESTROY EARTH, EVEN THE BARNEY BROMWICH RANCH, HIS PREVIOUS LIFE PLACE

AND HE KIDNAPPED 13 CHILDREN, WHERE HE WILL MAKE THEM STAY IN THE RANCH READY TO BE BLOWN UP, THE KIDS GOT IN THE MIDDLE

SECTION OF THE RANCH, WHERE THE BOMB WILL BE, SO EDWARD AND THE KIDS TRAVELLED THROUGH RIVER TO RIVER TILL THEY FOUND

THE RIVER NEAR THE BARNEY BROMWICH RANCH, YOU SEE, EDWARD TEACH SAID HE WAS GOING ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY, YEAH HE WAS

HE WAS BLOWING UP THE BUILDING HIS PREVIOUS LIFE STARTED, YA KNOW IT COULD BE BECAUSE IT CAUSED TOO MANY DEATHS

YA KNOW HE IS CRONUS, AFTER ALL,, WHEN HE ARRIVED THERE, HE TIED EACH KID UP IN HIS BED, AND TWO KIDS WERE, HUCKLEBERRY FINN

AND TOM SAWYER, WHO WERE ROUGH AND TOUGH, AND HUCLEBERRY FINN AND TOM SAWYER, ESCAPED TO BE LOST FOREVER, SO THE

NEXT MORNING EDWARD TEACH SAID, TIED EVERYONE UP, AND SAID, I AM GOING TO BLOW THIS BUILDING UP TODAY, AND THEY HAD 5 HOURS,

AND IN THAT FIVE HOURS, PEOPLE WERE PANNICKING AND HUCKLEBERRY FINN AND TOM SAWYER CAME BACK AND BASHED EDWARD TEACH

AND STARTED UNTYING ALL THE PEOPLE, BUT, THE BUILDING WAS BLOWN UP, HUCKLEBERRY FINN AND TOM SWAYER, WERE BLOWN RIGHT OUT OF

THE RANCH AND INTO THE RIVER, ABOUT 23 DEATHS CAME FROM THAT, BUT HUCXLEBERRY FINN AND TOM SAWYER, AND ALSO, EDWARD TEACH, HEARD

BUDDHA’S VOICE SAYING, YOU MUST REINCARNATE, YOU MUST LEARN YOU ARE DESTROYING OUR FUTURE, OF MOTHER EARTH, AND EDWARD TEACH WENT INTO THE

STORE TO BUY A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY TO DROWN OUT BUDDHA’S VOICE, AND EDWARD TEACH SAYS, I WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS STUPID RANCH IS MINE

AND THAT MADE BUDDHA AND ATHENA VERY MAD, SINCE THEN EDWARD TEACH CARRIED ON TAKING KIDS AND ADULTS FROM ALL CORNERS OF THE GLOBE

AND FOR THE FIRST 6 YEARS, EDWARD TEACH WAS TRYING TO **** HUCKLEBERRY FINN AND TOM SAWYER, BY CHASING THEM, TYING THEM UP

AND THESE 6 YEARS WERE TOUGH, BUT EDWARD MOVED ON, AS HE AT THE AGE OF 22, WAS KIDNAPPED AND BROUGHT ON BOARD A PIRATE SHIP,

WHERE HE GOT THE NAME BLACKBEARD THE PIRATE, AND TERRORISING PEOPLE ON THE CARRIBEAN COASTLINE, AND HUCKLEBERRY FINN AND TOM SAWYER

WERE FIGHTING TO STAY ON THE LAND

THE END

On the south side of kelso if it's there that ya choose to go
Well if its there ya go then ya just gotta know bout a man named tweaker joe
Now tweaker, he's a scrapper and if ya go down on his door
Don't you worry about wakin him up. He aint slept since 74
Well he's weird, weird tweaker joe
The weirdest tweaker in South Kelso
Weirder than a three toed frog
Stranger than a five eared dog

Now tweaker hes a scrapper and he likes his shiny things
And he likes to see what fun he has by the chaos that he brings
He got a custom BMX bike with a flashlight on the grill. He got 32 lb of brass in his pack, he got a dope bag in his shoe.

Well he's weird, weird tweaker joe
The weirdest tweaker in South Kelso
Weirder than a three toed frog
Stranger than s five eared dog


NOW Friday bout a week ago Tweaker scrappin cars. But at the end of the alley sat a cop named Thurman and ooh dat cop looked ******

Well he cast his light upon joe cuz Thurman had a plan
Tweaker joe learned a lesson bout messin with a future Sherriff man


Well he's weird, weird tweaker joe
The weirdest tweaker in South Kelso
Weirder than a three toed frog
Stranger than s five eared dog


Well the 2 men took to runnin and hes dragged down to the jail
Joey looked like a wrung out tweaker with a couple of teeth left

Well he's weird, weird tweaker joe
The weirdest tweaker in South Kelso
Weirder than a three toed frog
Stranger than s five eared dog

Well he's weird, weird tweaker joe
The weirdest tweaker in South Kelso
Weirder than a three toed frog
Stranger than s five eared dog

my life is beautiful, not realistic.
yesterday, i arrived on neptune
wearing big boots and dignity
the horizon was a nightmare of question marks
and gloomy witches;
i escaped from the religious enema and
pegged a choir boy on my way out.
i am no longer a pygmy goat on a foolish leash,
i take my paranoia seriously.
my journals guide me to a ruptured corpse,
never censored.
i have the ability to be given away on a whim,
but i am becoming a famous soldier, an intoxicating
ghost of dogma.
my dreams are beautiful, not realistic.
hallelujah, the hobos are wearing bathrobes,
the ****** pillheads are anointed with ****** and sewer cleaners.
i see a goblin grave advertised by
luscious lips and fishlike shoulders.
the texture of my dream is kaleidoscope and silver,
haunted by a fat sherriff who cuts the throat of the jukebox queen.
i have a personal god, and on her i bestow this passionate kiss,
i have a favorite enemy, with no goals and without ambition.
im sorry, i don't know any happy songs,
only the movement of her young sensitive thighs and
a nymph with an hourly rate.
i am a buffoon with a blugeoned harmonica and
weapons of sugar.
my life is beautiful, not realistic.

You don’t know Joy
Neither do I
She’s only twelve years old
But she impacted a lot of peoples lives

She was a normal girl
Full of life
She had lots of friends
She was popular

Joy has two sisters
And a mom and dad
Just a family
They go to church
Her parents both have jobs
The economy made that necessary

But something happened
Halloween was cancelled
People who used to leave their doors unlocked stopped doing that
People who believed in the sanctity of their homes stopped thinking like that
A sleepy college town became part of the real world

You see
They were murdered
Joy
And her parents
Her sisters weren’t home
But they came home to that
And they are scarred
And the murderer was never found

The sherriff said
"But I can see Joy's eyes as clear today as I sit here talking to you."

It happened in 1966
I was eight
And I remember
Because I lived in that town
I was there that night
We read about it
I was scared
But I had forgotten
Until last night when I was reminded

Now I weep for Joy
I want to live a dream for her
But I don’t know what she wants
I want to go back in time
I want to be there when the murderer arrived
And I want to stop him
I want to be there with a shotgun
And blow him away
Maybe you think this is getting too intense
Well it was for Joy
And I’m man enough to do it
I want to **** this man
And I am not sorry that I think this way

I love you Joy
And I’m glad I was reminded
Because a little girl should not be forgotten
Just because time has

*** until the heart stops seems like the logical answer.
Death in sweat drenched ecstasy,
and preferably with
the nubile young Sherriff's wife.
Now, if she's not around, his sister
or Mother would do just fine.
Small town tasty freeze
serves as the last meal.
What a way to go,
behind some greasy cheeseburger
and chocolate shake.  Sheriff said the
budget wouldn't cover the French fries.
I don't care much about myself,
it's mama I'm worried about.
it will just break her heart...I ain't no good.
I hope I can see her if I can get to heaven.
Mama's the best in the world.

Are you sure your right / forever / if so / how lucky can one be / but what happens now / I’m cancelled / as the star of James TV / I can see your protecting arms around others / but there’s little space for me

A puritan polemicist / who’d dare argue with you / but they say if you truly want to lead / then you need to listen too

Let’s examine this apple / it’s bright and red and round / would you like to share it / slice it / lick it / choke it / then toss it to the ground / in the same way you treat nuance / as the sheriff of this town

If you’ve solved the world / then I’m so proud of you / I’ll keep on / forging my way / fumbling on / making mistakes / knowing it won’t be long / until your cancelled too

Because what you believe now my love / soon will not be true / and when it’s not / in a shot / we’ll all be judging you!

Gallantly riding along with my sidekick Gandolf, bold and strong, 'ride or die' t'il his hoofs fall off'.
Onwards we journey throughout the finally quite valley, silencing all the wild, yal stuck in a 'blind alley'.
Pondering back in memories around a campfire, a time once I was wreckless and robbing moonshiners.
I smell the wood burning and the embers crackling. reminiscing old days before I was backtracking.
Twiddling my doorknob mustache I wish I had. Bar fights and gun slings, in my side tipped hat.
I'm on the run now Sherriff can't catch me, were out stomping ground, like it's a stampede.
Found myself in a bind, with my cantine, and my satchel, been wanted an outlaw, for slaughtering you cattle.
Rode all night with a bunch of drunken bandits, tried to cheat me in poker, but I was left handed.
See I cleared all this land, with 44's to their chests, most precise 'bar slinger' this side of the west.
Spitting 'bars' in a saloon now that's a new style, try and crowd around me, I'll exit you out of existence, single file.
Your 'rowdy cowboys' smell of cigars, *****, and perfume. I'll hang you out back without dignity of a tomb.
Ringo, Django, Buffalo Bill, I don't concern with who you are, and that's the real deal.
Status means nothing to a revolving gun, my mind is my weapon, so I hope you can run.
You go to hell, you go to hell and you die, don't fret old pals, I'll sing your wife and kids goodnight,
kiss them and tuck them in for you, ignoring her cries for me to 'just spare her one true'.
I must be so fortuitous, unless I'm just not new at this, nah, I've done this numerous.
I heard them call out ' drinks on me' well if you would stop spilling it, and hitting on Bonnie.
Where the **** is Clyde, banging a *******, I'd kick his teeth out with my combat cowboy boots.
Why the **** is everyone so 'Bonnie and Clyde' robbing banks and fleeing, with a two faced ***** by your side.
Yeah they got your sides, while shooting you in the back, staring at your face, you hit the pavement then...smack..
Hard cold reality hits you in the face, undermined my intensity, my emotions enrage.
I'll burn your whole town you son of a witch, now hop along Cassidy, you flipped off the wrong switch.
I walk into this new place, everyone stops, they know who I am, but their jaws about to drop.
I take off my trench coat, revealing curves, what this cowboy, is really a her.
Taking my hat off, my pinned hair falls, hiding my face so they can't see my flaws.
They gasp in shock, who is this gal, this lady?
Whistling a tune, to the real Hello Daisy.

Modern day Kid

Wrote this about Billy the Kid about a little kid and his dad who play Billy and Sherriff Pat Garrett

A little Kid
With a little gun
Pulls the trigger back
Just for fun

He says "I'll make you famous
Don't you deny!
But an outlaw like me
Someday will die."

There is a man
Standing six feet tall
With a shiny old badge
And a hat of straw

Says "Now before you go Kid
Any last words to say?"
But his mama calls
And he rides away

A little girl
Lives down the street
With skin so dark
Whispers words so sweet

She says "I am a damsel
And I'm in distress"
He steals a kiss
And blushes red

Little Kid
With a little gun
Pulls the trigger back
Just for fun
He gets on his bike
His mama calls him in
The Little Kid rides again