In a world where myths were made real, there lived a king who had the terific ability to turn any thing he made contact with into pure gold. First this strange abilty often called the midals touch made the king so rich, so that he became the richest in the entire realm. But there was something missing, it was the ability to feel and touch affectionately. Soon this young king's eyes fell on Shauna; who was the daughter of a commoner in a near by town. She was the prettiest thing he had seen in the whole world, when she smiled it shined like the sun and even when she frowned, it was like the splendor of the full moon garnished with the stars. What such raw beauty.
The king Mica soon couldn't sleep; he had laid his eyes on his dream queen.  But there was a problem, a sweet bitter problem, a problem that first was a blessing, a problem that had given him all the riches he couldn't have acquired normally.  He then realized that not all blessings were not totally blessings but they were like a sweet bitter candy. Which when tasted has a sweet taste but before long turns bitter. But all the same he couldn't sleep and when the king can't sleep all those in the palace would not sleep.
before long he called for his Wisemen, three of them showned up in a flash bowing on their kneels.
'' what is it that disturbs your majesty'' , the Wiseman in the centre said avoiding eye contact.
King Mica signed and silence lingered.
'' we are the most Wisemen in the entire realm nothing is beyond our wealth of knowledge'' another proclaimed.
The king then turned to the one that hadn't altered a word as if waiting for his own speech. '' our ears are open to listen your majesty'', the last one said.
  "which one of you has the power to left this cause off my neck", the king said.
" my lord which cause do you speak of " one of the Wisemen replied.
"None sence!" the king shouted in anger as he rose from his royal throne.
The whole palace trembled at the sound of the king's thunderous voice. The Wisemen fell back at the rage of the king.
"All my life I thought that this was a blessing from the gods little did I know that it would soon turn soar." king mica said letting his emotions in.
The men was stunned with fear, they had not seen the king in this light before. There was really a matter that must have lead to this.
"but your majesty is the wealthest in the entire realm what does thou seekest which had not in thy possession already" the man to the extreme right gently said.
The king's rage surged as though the Wisemen words were anger catalyst. " you ( he pointed in the direction of the one that spoke last) dare say that I have all I have ever desired?  Look at the palace all gold, look at my throne, GOLD!, my vessels made of gold, no doubt I am the wealthest but take a long hard look at me, look at my hands convered with gloves." he walked forward towards the Wiseman that spoke last.  The man trembled at the manner of approach of the king. He took a step backwards.
" anything that I touch suddenly turns into gold and am very sure that you should know what that means." king Mica said as he slowly removed the hand gloves on his right arm.
"I need the ability to touch, the ability to feel like any one else." now the king was right in front of the frightened man. " I am very certain you understand what I mean."he lifted his bare hand to the face of the short man in front of him.  The Wiseman knew what was about to occured but there was nothing he could do. He knew that every time the king gets angry, a new possession is added to his libary of great golden artifacts and right now he would become the new arrival to the king's collection.  But he had to try to stay alive.
" but oh king we are here to hel....." the king interrupted him by lifting his bare finger to the Wiseman's foreman about a centimeter away.
" m.....y lord..... " the man altered in fright.but he slowly noticed that he was freezing, he was  turning into gold. The king's finger had made contact with the man's forehead.
" Ahhhhhrgggg........."   he shouted in vain it was already too late. The others immediately fell with their faces towards the ground and worshipped the king in sore fear.
The king turned towards his throne leaving a new golden possession behind.  
" I have falling in love with someone but with this cause that would not be possible unless both of you come up with a way to lift this from me"
Silence filled the golden chamber where they were.
"ANSWER ME!!!", the king rised his voice.
Then one answered," we will definitely come up with something but your majesty must give some time"
" what time! Allow me to make my self clear enough,I need a reply and I need it in the next twenty four hours from now." he said politely
" and if you can't provide me a viable solution to this, both of you will no doubt meet your colleague in hades."
The king sat and dismissed the men kneeling in his presence.they hastily fled from his presence like shafts in the wind. He very well knew that the chances of being normal again was very slim. But what had to done had to be done. He would try all that was in his reach to attain his goals which was to marry Shauna, his dream queen. In few hours he would know his fate and he knew this.

I arrive at the barbers
for my weekly, my usual,
and you are there,

sitting in my seat
crying. I lift you up,
cape and all,

take you round the
corner, where you tell
me you are sorry

but we have to go to
Brighton now, even
though it is 6pm on

a Friday and we won’t
be done until 2pm
tomorrow. Is it a ruse?

I think so, because
suddenly we are in a
part of London that

looks like Montmartre
(or it could be Richmond
masquerading as Venice)

and we meet a man
called Tricks who says
he’s the new chief now

because he knows the
location of all the bones.
And then there are

scanners at airports,
walk-in health centres,
families in North Carolina

with names like Kayleigh
and Shauna. And when
we are done meeting

them we are back, you
in the chair, glowing blue
under barbicide lights.

I just adore how you feel upon my skin, October.
I went outside to sit beneath an autumn tree
With its beautiful, colorful assortment of leaves
Crunching beneath me
And I asked,
If I looked as beautiful dying.

The passerby stare,
Analyzing the earthbound woman with a mossy soul
And never fail
To tell others
Of
The girl with golden leaves in her hair, in love with a boy who held autumn within the palms of his hands.

Blood spiller, blood drinker, heart of flame.
The days come and go, but in autumn, she cannot be tamed.
                                                                                                             -Shauna

if you have the ability to love, try to love yourself first. if you can’t, try running. if you can hurt, try not to. send people home. and put the dog down. life is an improvised thing. no one knows. try not to eat. sleep till mid afternoon. only then can you see it. desperate for a future, a fix. don’t forget your frying pan. and on the way out, don’t forget the pain. attempt to help. try to hate. issues with humanity. playful with yourself. draw everyone naked, if you’ve seen people naked. change the light bulb and eat spiders. if you can stomach people, try to talk to them. If you can’t, try to sleep outside. that’ll make you hate humanity more. love the cold, the situation. own yourself

I think you're afraid
  **** man

I mean you're 17 and you might go to jail
   I would be afraid too!!
to be honest I think I would have killed myself by now
   but maybe for you that's scarier...

I didn't mean for it to turn into a fight
   Ya know?
   dude?
   hah

this depression I feel
I don't want it
I never wanted it
I want to stab the ******* demon inside me
that has me trapped
in this little *** cage, in my chest

and I'm trying !!
so hard !!

we haven't talked as much lately

I think you're afraid
   I'm afraid too.
   every day.

maybe not from the Feds
but from my own two hands
because I woke up with scabs all over my legs
and blood underneath my nails
when I thought that I was ok

every day a bar of this cage is broken
every day it is like I am gifted a new weapon from my subconscious

because whoever is together in my head
whether I'm crazy or not
     we are a team
     we are an army

     and we will fight and we will NOT
     let the depression win

so the day that we (I) beat it
hopefully I have more money
and more time
and more direction

because **** dude
DUDE

maybe I'll find you
so I can apologize like a human

instead of a try-hard wanna be
poet on the Internet

I miss you
I wish you the best
I wish I believed in a God
but **** I might still pray for you

you're still a beautiful person to me
and always will be

Your bro,
      Shauna

my name is shauna
i say im hot as a sauna
because that's the first
bar that i ever rap
no this is a poem
it's not a trap
to get you to listen
to what i could be spittin

or could i?
try?
to be
fly
like the
guys

but i'm a female in this world
filled with darkness, i hurled
threw up inside
when i found out my little cousin
was touched by some big scary man
i wasn't there to protect her
and society will neglect her
probably shame her
maybe even blame her
because of what she was wearing
how could you possibly be caring
about
or even
doubt
that a little
girl
with a small small
world
would fill it
with this scary
hairy
demon that i would ****** if i got my hands around his throat...

i don't mean to go
too far
it's just
when trust
is taken
forsaken
from a 3 year old girl
who will now question her world
and why it is so scary
and will be afraid of all the
hairy
men
because of that scary
demon
who took her spirit
ripped it right out of her pig tails
my grandmother wails
sick of all the ******* man
sick of all the bull
****
man

he calls me poetic

he talks to me on the phone like I am not Shauna

But then

he breaks from something
a cage a shell a barrier

calls me
poetic
says I am
good with my words

man oh man i am going insane
Lord help us all

four years -
it's been four years since I fell apart for the first time over just a boy..
i don't even remember how much I hurt.
but I remember feeling I wasn't good enough.

I remember hating my body and hating everything about myself.

four years later I wouldn't say I love everything -
but I would say I can look in the mirror and like what's looking back.

because of you I fell in love with another skateboarder.
because of you I took time to listen to the quiet ones.
because of you I learned patience, and to keep fighting for what you love no matter the pain.

I mean maybe I didn't need that last part-
Considering I've been chasing the same young boy ever since I stopped chasing you.

He called me one night - years ago..
after reading the poem about you , and a few I had written about him.

Crying because he felt the love fading...

it faded.

Was that to welcome you back in?
Do things happen for a reason?

Maybe the boy I used to watch skateboard by the grocery store on clairmont is the one I've had in my heart all along...

But I must warn you:

My heart- its much colder now.
There are thorns around it - and if I thought I couldn't get to yours all of those years ago, how would we get to eachothers?

Your love is the strangest I've known.
No one talks of me higher,
but no one has so little to say...

If that makes any sense at all.

I'm excited to see you tomorrow.

You're the one who got me writing these.

You're the person who sparked Shauna's journey into herself.

Thank you.

Can't wait to see you.

Isaiah,

Back when you asked me about us writing letters to each other, I fell in love with the idea. I didn't think that anyone would ever believe in me and believe in a relationship with us together like you did.

Also, upon the therapy that I'm newly in love with and learning from... I've been told and taught that trauma is physical. This is why when I get sad and when I fall down that "deep dark hole" or whatever one may call it, it physically hurts. With trauma being physical, this means that typing, or writing, or drawing about your emotions is quite literally therapy even though sometimes it just may feel like it. This is why we should all write letters and write poetry and express ourselves through art whether it be good or bad or what we wanted or didn't.

So now comes the hard part. Me writing a letter to you, that I'll send, and maybe never get a response back. But at least I know that I tried. I know that I had sent you a text as my "last go" or rather my "last try", whatever one would call it. But it doesn't feel right in me. I think this is because I know that I'm still holding back, and even if you don't want to hear it, or read it, I know that there are more things I want to say or I wanted to say.

It makes me feel sick to know that I won't be with you again, (it is honestly very hard for me to believe it, which isn't fair to you.) and when I messaged you back around Christmas, the last thing I wanted was for you to become upset with me or feel that I was making you feel bad about yourself, or make you feel like a **** boy or whatever it all came down to. I should have always been open and honest with you, even if sometimes it was something you didn't want to hear. But that was always my biggest fear, was hurting my boy. My Isaiah. The times that I bawled in my bed and couldn't tell you what was going on. I was thinking that I don't want you to worry, I don't want you to ever feel bad... And I know that if I told you of things that happened in my life, and why I decided I needed to go to therapy, that you would be sad, and that you would worry.

But aside from all the "woe is me" things I just said. What I didn't say before is why you're no longer my Isaiah. Weird to admit it and type it. Isaiah does not want to be with you. He is no longer yours. He will not be again.... So sad. But wow! How lucky I was to have him. I'm sorry that I held back in telling you that I loved you, like really telling you that I loved you. I'm sorry I was too afraid to write you the letter about how much I loved you before I left. Because in my head, I thought, if I write this letter I will open up much further than I expected, and if we come apart, then I will have done all of this painful opening only to close myself up again.

I'm sorry that when you were in NY I made you chase after me a little... or... a lot. Truth? I was mad at you! I wanted to stay mad at you. Because if I let you back in, and I let you have me after breaking my heart, I feel weak. I let someone step on me and then pick me up and kiss me after. The idea of letting you back in after all of that was almost like me turning my back on myself and my morals.

But sometimes I pretend that you didn't leave. I pretend that if/when you ever come here then its going to be in love in New York again. That I will have my person back here. That I won't be alone in this life again. Because before I met you I didn't think there would ever be someone who was willing to understand me and listen and talk to. No one who understood pain. No one who would be soft but strong and funny yet serious and willing to learn yet stuck their ground. I think you were my last chance at figuring it out Isaiah. Like wow! This part of my life is set!! I found my love and now I will never have to worry ever again, because we will have each other.

I should have been kinder to you, and I should have listened to you more. I was so worried I was going to come out here and flop, that I put this wonderful idea of us on the back burner, because I assumed that we would be ok no matter what. Oddly enough, I still think that way, and that is why I need to write and remind myself that we are not a we anymore.

I didn't nurture us enough. I didn't take the time because I was afraid of putting work into something that was too hard to facilitate. I was afraid that if I was dating someone all the way in WI that he might just want to stay there, and this fairytale would be no longer. I was afraid that you weren't ready to grow with me, and that we would only spread further apart with time. Not saying that you haven't grown a lot. I honestly don't know what you've been up to. I stalk your twitter enough to know you had a date, and boy did that make me want to PUKE let me tell you. No one will ever be good enough for you in my eyes. Not even me honestly. But you've grown, and I wish I could see it. I wish I could see you. I wish I wouldn't have underestimated you, and I wish I would have been more worried about making sure we were together rather than being worried about us being on the same path. I was mothering you. It was so weird. I don't know exactly why I did it. Because I was afraid if I didn't keep an eye on you that you would never get here? That I came all this way and left you and we'll never be together again? It made my head feel more normal to think that the sooner Isaiah gets here the better, and then I'll know that this was all worth it, because at least I'll have him and we'll be here. But obviously, all of that didn't happen, because we aren't together anymore. So I put myself out on an island, and separated my heart and my brain from any emotions I had for you, and tucked them away, so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I still haven't grieved about it. Every time I want to cry about you I just stare into space. Like I literally won't even let myself feel it! **** !!

But.. as you know.. even after we broke up, I had to see you, and talk to you, and FT you or whatever. I wanted to tell you about my life. I wanted to tell you I loved you but I can't do that. I can't tell someone I love them when I'm no longer with them. That would be pain. So my "love language" or whatever it may be was. Hey! I did this today ! I want to tell you about my life because I want you to understand that I want you to be involved. But I can't tell you that I want you to be my boyfriend again, because that's not how this works! Because that already finished! So I'm going to try to speak to you as long as I can, and then maybe one day we'll decide that we've grown a little, and we can give it a try again.

But, because I communicated in a very "dance around the subject" type of way, that upset you. You might have felt like I was just stringing you along, and that is not what I wanted to do at all. I am so sorry for that. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I just could bare to really say goodbye.

I know this is all long winded, and I know that you may never actually read this. But I want you to know that if I could go back in time, I wish I would have just ******* said it. Said all of it. Really opened up to the one I love, with my fears and all, and I think that maybe we could have figured it out.

In those last hours, or moments, or whatever it was of me and you just chatting about whatever the **** it was in my room. I was so content. I didn't feel like I was in NYC or Milwaukee, or really anywhere. I just knew I was with you and I knew I wanted to be there in that moment. And in this moment, I know that I still want to be in a place with you like that again.

I'm not religious. But I do believe in something. I think that in my dreams I'll see you, or maybe one day when we're older we'll bump into each other on the train like love is in the movies. Because that's what it was like with us... Things just happened and then it was perfect. Maybe that will never happen, but I just need to know that I tried, like REALLy did everything I could. Maybe not then, but at least I can send you a ******* long *** wordy letter now...

Speaking on all of this again is extra? Yes. Obsessive ? Maybe. Too much? Definitely. But this is my most authentic self. Is telling you all the things, even if I'm scared shitless to write it. I want to be me more. I want to not hold back because I only have one life.

So, with all that... In order to live by my truth, I need you to know that I love you. I love you forever. I will be in love with you forever. You are the most handsome and kind, genuine, loyal, fierce, passionate, hardworking, cutie pie I've ever met. I regret it all, and I wish that you were here. Every time I have kissed someone (I'm sorry if that makes you sad to hear) BUT, every time I have kissed someone, the first thing I remember are your lips, and I know that I haven't moved on, and it will be a long time until then.

I'm sorry for all of the hurtful things I've said. I'm sorry for the tweets. A lot of that anger and sassy and straight up rude-ness is coming from me being frustrated with my own emotions, and not coming by them honestly. So, in order to do so, I need to be honest straight up, and that means honest with you.

I'm sorry if this is all too much and I'm sorry if it bothered you. None of that was my intention. I just wanted to tell you the truth.

When I think of my future I think of you. I don't know how it will happen, but I hope that being truthful will send some better karma my way.

I love you forever and ever. Even if you're upset with me until the ends of the time, please don't forget how easy it all was when it was easy. Please don't forget that I will be your ride or die forever, that I will always be there to protect and care for you if I can, and please don't ever ever ever forget the first date. I never thought anything could be so easy until you came along.

I love you Isaiah. I never stopped. If I could have one wish, its that we could just give it one more try. I just want to relive those months with you over and over. You are a dream.

Love,

Shauna