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lost girl Jun 2014
Anxiety
I can feel it coming
That shakiness in my hands that begins to spread throughout my body.
My heart beat begins to pick up speed. Getting louder & louder, until it's all I can hear.
Anxiety
Worry fills my every thought
And those thoughts consume me.

(a.d)
I suffer from anxiety
Is it wrong to crave the hands
That no longer desire
The warmth of mine?

Despite the shame, guilt and tears
I can recall the texture of that skin;
Unkempt and rigid.

Street lights in the summer;
My favourite place in the city,
Strengthened by the grip between 10 fingers.

Turns out those hands had bigger plans;
A craving to explore and discover,
With new eyes and a deeper soul.

Left mine to wallow in self-pity,
Getting flustered upon failing
To pluck aged guitar strings adequately.

Sometimes I like to think
That the shakiness my hands feel
Is just my fingers shivering, naked and cold, without yours.
Shelby Apr 2019
death bursted into my room tonight
awakening a deep slumber
outstretching a cold boney hand
as if offering for me to go with him

I felt no fear or sadness
I have been waiting for death to greet me
I have admired him from afar
a lover who took no chance in courting me
Until he was ready to give me an embrace
That could be defined as loving and warm
but it was sinful and alluring

flickers of sparks in his eyes
ignited a fire in my soul
a passion that I had longed for
as my hand grabbed onto his
he pulled me close in the middle of the room

he began to dance to the tune
of our heartbeats synchronizing
a beautiful symphony rang love in our ears
craning his neck
he leaned in close
inhaling the shakiness of my breath
moonlight illuminated the poison dripping
from his puckering lips
as an offering to taste
what afterlife was

it held soft undertones of an earthy aftertaste
but an overpowering intoxicating sweetness left me hungry
for just one more dip
in his suicidal serenity

moving in one fluid motion
sweeping behind me
a boney hand placed on an unclothed forearm
slowly slid up my shoulder
as another arm was placed around both hips
he pressed himself tightly against me
icy breath grazed across my neck
making hairs stand up on my arms
as a moan escaped between closed lips
he whispered a seductive I love you
as he tucked hair behind my ear

the words I longed to hear
were met with a sharp knife
placed in open hands
and a crooked smile
spread across his face
it was at that moment
I came to the realization
to become his fully
my beautiful souls light
must burn out
to match his souls decayed state

no persuasion was needed
I longed for this moment
now the time was finally right
steady right hand raised
the elongated blade
"together forever..."
death breathlessly whispered
as a swift motion
punctured my abdomen
breath was taken out of my lungs
knees buckled
as death dropped me to the floor

tears of bliss flowed from my eyes
staining mascara streaks on flushed cheeks
I peer around the room to greet my lover
in another embrace with my final breaths
but im alone
left with a bloodied knife in hand
but this forbidden passion of a deaths dance
was only used to take ones soul
not give it the life it craved
laughing through the flood of tears
not even in death was I loved
ClawedBeauty101 Mar 2018
On the screens...
In the model scenes...

In the magazines,
In the places we believe are unseen

We have all the ******* we could want and "need"
It's in our hands, at our finger tips, your flesh is filled with greed

Hastily eating all you can **** out of what your distracted eyes see
Satisfied? Never, Then continue to watch that **** view, then wash that history clean

You know you the ***** feeling you desire!
That shakiness that makes your heart grow mad and burn like insanities fire.

If responsibility did not exist, that would be your main priority, fall lewidly into the dark
To feed that starving flesh the images it need's to get that spark


Enjoying it?....  Tired of it yet? Too Soft? Too Hard?
Too Slow? Too Fast? Watch whatever actions you want, you're the one playing the cards


But listen to a different side of *******...


A "beauty" in those pornographies has laid a target on my type of beauty
I didn't ask for it... I didn't desire it... I didn't want it... I felt filthy...

Several men who thought they had the complete authority,  physically abused...
Mentally harming with words, because of conviction, because of being accused

Refusing to give up their poison because it gives them the attention that makes them moan
Sometimes.. watching things aren't enough... time to give varginity a loan

....Almost have been ****** assaulted more then once... and forever my soul have been torn
Some girls and boys have experienced much worse... *****... killed... suffered.. WHY ALLOW ALL THIS ****?

WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT!? YOUR ****** EMOTIONS?
OR A HURTING NATION THAT IS BEING DESTROYED BY THIS ****** DEVOTION!!!!

....The more you feed it... with your mastrabational retuals
Or whatever... the more it'll want to consume... it won't stay netrual

....It has burned up families... marriages... friendships... and relationships
And even has devoured the heart of those who enjoy it... Who think it's a fun strip

...I am warning you... we are tempted left and right.. it's every where we see
We are not strong enough to resist the temptations... we are of the flesh; weak


Please don't waste your treasure filled bodies or lips...  
We Have **** At Our Finger Tips...







Only God can save the death of humanity... And help us end these ****** struggles...
*And Only He...
(Yeah... it's a sloppy draft sorry X_X)
Let me be the first to say this... I AM SICK OF IT!!! **** IS DESTROYING THIS COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE ALLOWING IT TO DESTROY NOT ONLY OTHERS BUT OURSELVES TOO!!!!

Okay i took a BIG step with this poem... and I know I was very straight forward and bold with this

I'll probably loose followers XD lol

but... it's true
it's something my family has been suffering with... We  don't know who we can trust... who won't hurt us... who won't trick us... **** destroys reasoning

It affects everyone... it may seem fun in the moment... but it will leave you empty just like everything else in this world... I am not perfect I have fallen into it...won't hide that... and believe me when I say this... Not only have I done it, I have experienced the affect of  it other people and how they treat others... including me...

Don't do it... end it... what pleasure is there when there is a free gift of eternity waiting for you through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

If  ANYONE has any questions please feel free to message me or leave a comment below...


Thank you

Cat Lynn ///
3/20/18
Corey J Boren Jun 2020
there’s always been a certain feeling
quite difficult to name—

discomfort, most likely,
or a vague,
blurry,
unhurried sense of fear.

a worry
that perhaps you can tell
that the floor was swept
and the carpet vacuumed
only minutes before your arrival ,

anxiety
making suppositions
about your x-ray vision
and delicate opinions.

perhaps you can see
the layers of sweat and blood
behind every painted wall,

perhaps you can hear the sound
of arguments and sweet nothings
seeping up from the floorboards.

i’m sure you mean well,
that you’ve brought some sort of lasagna
and cheesecake for dessert,

yet i cannot shake the feeling
that you are invaders
from a foreign land,
here to take
and take
and take
and take
everything your eyes land on.

this shakiness is formidable,
this unraveling so easy to do,
but i am not one to succumb
to anxiety’s follies—

so i open the door anyway
dissect the chambers of my heart,
throw open the shutters,
offering every bit of my soul,

my voice echoing
off every beam and wall and ventricle,
the word soaring into your ears:

“welcome!”
Michael Ryan Feb 2016
"Do you want to be with me"
sorry I don't know what to say--
as I hold their hand, it ripples
it is the rush of anxiety
but feels like water combing through my hands
as I get shampoo out of my hair; in the shower.  

There is a tremble in their breath
reminding me of catching droplets of water
in the canal of my ear
and having to tilt my head
for them to drop back into obscurity.

Their smell is fresh an aroma so soothing
feeling the clean scent of oranges and apples
a flourishing sample I briefly enjoy
when I pour a quarter sized dollop of shower gel.

Their eyes are watery
while they struggle to hide the parchness of their smile
is a somber reflection of hot water running out
and not having any heat left to turn towards
so the only option
is to get out of the shower.  

Their words are mumbled, but I can understand "why"
trying to hide the shakiness in their hands and breath
I can't help but imagine the endorphin's frantically
trying to take control; to fight or flight--  
A similar feeling I have when rushing
to get warm after a cold shower.
Even showers have to end.  Comparisons.
anonymous Dec 2014
I remember the shakiness of hands
held within mine (i was shaky)
Or the falling hair strands
drifting into the space of time
or in my spare bedroom
where our love once bloomed
let’s start off where we resumed


to Japanese back translate

I remember the trembling of the hands
Is held in the mine (I was unstable)
Or falling hair
The drifting in time of space
Or in my spare bedroom
Place our love, it bloomed once
We’ll start where Resume
Karen Hamilton Dec 2015
With lights in the sky
And cheer in my heart,
A drink in my hand,
A toast to the past

Treasure my memories;
Some triumphs were lost,
Now facing forward
But never forgot

I look to the future,
This one is for me
Year TWENTY-THIRTEEN
For wisdom and glee

Laid out before me
Adventures to come,
With laughter and smiles
I'll drink from the sun

Shining so brightly
Three weeks passed - still pleased,
Work arrange training,
One seat kept for me

First Aid Course progressed;
I wished to forget
The news I received
Before last years test...

(...As irony leaped
'Twas taught to save lives,
My mobile had beeped
With news my friend died

The shock had set in
I had to pull through,
Third day of the course
The test was now due

I pulled it together
My shakiness passed
I saved Annie's 'life'
I gave 'CPR'

I bandaged a 'cut'
I tended her knee,
I showed them I could
Help competently

I passed with "Well done"
But my heart broke in two,
Inside I was numb)
Old memories! Not new....

So, I focus today
With smile on my face,
DEFIBRILLATOR-
It's time to embrace!

I wait in the queue
Examined to be...
Bells chime, the phone rings,
My mum looks at me

(We work together)
She speaks to our Boss
"Can Karen go next?"
Her voice almost lost

I ask her "What's up?"
She said "It's bad news,
Was Grandad who called,
About your Nan Sue..."

She's hours to live
We must get there fast
But first you must go
And start Annie's heart!


© Karen L Hamilton, 2013
January 2013 seemed to set a trend for me,  this poem was written upon reflection of receiving bad news whilst refreshing my First Aid Certificates on two seperate occasions, both minutes before my final practical test Annie is a Dummy used for CPR training. It is in memory of my friend Heather, and my Nan Sue. Gone but never forgotten.
coqueta Dec 2017
There’s a pressure building up behind my eyes
Will I release it if I cry? Will I release it if I die?
There’s a shakiness in his hands, in my hands
There’s a shakiness in the word ‘goodbye’

I’ve got fear, in puddles and petals
I sense men who disturb and unsettle
They lurk by my feet, they eat and eat
And threaten to make my body a vessel

And the devil is crawling between my lips
Offering me wine, offering me sips
Hands covering ears, chest covered in fears
My head feels heavy as it all takes a dip
I'd prefer to bleed violet.
Mateuš Conrad Dec 2016
the humble sloth sees no morning and no worm in the sun -
nor the chittering of a few eager sparrows,
either -
             he sees everything square in
rhombic - squinty eyed, sorta:
should i bother it, or will i wait long
long enough till it bothers me?
that's me, right there, a young man will
idealise women, until he finally idolises
them in the naked form at-moist
sensual... and this will go on and forth,
he'll pass the corridor of a few
teenage pregnancies, because there
was no *****-Nilly & the Eager-******
scenario for him to scream and moan...
until dawn.
                      the natural contract is there
and it will knit & pick out the most
useless lions... until a few lionesses start
to congregate and do what the lion
does... every lion's statue akin to man's
is not even in a state of contemplation...
strange how man glorifies life and sacrifice
and indeed sacrifices the worth of life
by burning incense, and selling goods,
and running around the world
for a worth of a scalpel's worth of
a barber overdoing it... calling the forehead
a man's chin, and bluntly stroking it
until a dentist can take part in the wreckage...
might i say: i am sometimes like a sponge,
i read a bit of e.e. cummings and act on paper,
i don't plagiarise as such,
i merely focus on how one might repeat -
he said, she said,
       and return to: nonetheless, it said
for both of you: without a neuter pronoun:
she'll say eve, and he'll say eve,
    he'll say apple, and she'll say apple,
and you're still both, both! going to sit on a
******* chair... deemed obscure for
the sistine chapel, but indeed worthy to
scribble the lesser findings of graffiti into
a classroom table, like GD GV M GD CCK...
       so i i dabble a lot, in much of what
really is testing the young men who begin
with misogyny comparisons of genitals
at Billingsgate... and later try to find
one and only monocle to a bowler hat and moustache...
that train? long gone...
     so let us find people like me...
who idolised women, who made them divine in
supposed grace, and... well... eventually
all babies look similar, as do old people...
women chop of their locks (unless
they want to be deemed Merlin's brides)
   and the fat embodies them and they all turn out
alike... we all think heaven is the pinpoint -
    governed by an aesthetic democratisation of
all our faults... i just don't trust a world to be
wandering a forest of oak, while in the background
man settles matters of what dwarf eye of the beholder
should be asserted above the immortals' arrogance...
         but there i was... idealising women...
what a horrid affair...
     the moment you encounter woman
you already know she eats, she farts, she snarls
and she stares... after all: what woman is a woman
who isn't building a cosy abode?
            the moment you begin from a fascination
with women, that you state your anti to a misogyny
well... try wiping your nose with paper
   and even bothering debating feminism with anyone
except a homosexual... you haven't got lunch,
you have this seemingly 1970s film from Polish cinema
that states that feminism is equally transcendent
to encompass Aristotle in the present age,
       as it is not encompassing some frivolous
   ancient Greek joke... why women have less teeth
than men... i guess they hide them... then they
practice felatio... n'es pas?
                    i have a wriggly worm, she has a
hollowed out bone to fill with juices of the marrow...
     then she's practical enough to call Aristotle
an autistic astronaut... i say: give the woman! a time-machine!
         why? she has no sense of humour,
or no historicity concerning humour,
    or how there are necessary fluctuations...
men these days tell rapes jokes...
           because the one joke they are afraid to say, is:
at a ceremonial altar, with the punchline: i do.
               i do is hardly synonymous with the more
appropriate: i will.
                i do is a stagnation coordinate:
how can i do all of that if i say i will do such things
only account of mere ceremony? surely
the chaplain gets paid... but what do i get?
alimony checks, court-hearings and how
        i have two testicles, she has two *******
  and we debate the 2 to 3 ratio of d.i.y. holes
     for inviting sinister sergio to do the plumbing;
cos the ******* cobwebs got in the way by way
of leeching on the purse.
              see where misogyny comes from?
not getting an Aristotelian joke... or basically not
getting an ancient Greek joke right...
because off they go! mistaking dualism as a dichotomy...
   you start idealising women, you encounter
a woman and ****! the dream is gone, and out
pops shaggy and ******-doo...
                   and if you retract from idealising women?
you begin with Billingsgate and genitalia...
me? personally? i always thought of marinating my
chicken thigh in a warmed marinate of yoghurt
and tandoori spice - mix the two: you get Coronation
pink... all fluffy and unicorn and wonderful...
           idealism can be hard to shake off...
unless of course you tell either Americans or Russians
how finicky things can get in the bridal-chambers
of Essex on the Grecian isles of Cos,
   or Ibiza (I-beef-ah), or anywhere where there's
contrary speed-dating shakiness that's bound
to be representative of Essex, once upon a time,
when great music played a key-role in merely
utilising all body parts when dancing, i.e. snogging,
and lo and behold... when satan averted his
eyes composing the two serpent composition,
he looked into the mouth of man and a mouth
of woman, and found no resemblance unto his
original investigation: speak no ill of tongues:
for the tongues of men are merely ill-fated
         against themselves: for they revel in
other parts of their anatomy bearing the sting
and quickened step,
   but whether it's politics or uniting two tongues
in a dance: they're sluggish about it
ever becoming fruitful quickly enough to
            sediment into a snail's shell worth of
chattering teeth into old age, for the slug of both
sexes' tongue, having no such allowance,
         and subsequently left wriggling into their
daily trough of the competitive: first come,
first served.
                   but then man want's clarity!
if i idealised women, have i not become a gimmick
to such idealisation in the first place?
              how can i display this with all but words,
well, i can, all the more simpler...
                 by idealising women i have conceded
to a contest that has brought me against my fellow ***...
              and all because by having idealised woman
as a concept: i cannot see any of man's achievements,
i cannot see any achievements worth striving for
   in what could be translated as creating a reverse
idealisation of woman, in that other men might idealise
me, to later idolise me... all saints were fools in
idealising jesus, which is why he's strung to a crucifix
made of termite-wood... the minute they hang him
upright on mt. golgotha the crucifix collapses...
                        how could he be an ideal if
  the obscurity of righteous judgment be so-far removed
from the people? is this the construct of the pharisees
appealing to the reason of the greeks to save them
from the roman "oppressors"?
         can this really be the case? just because the greeks
had so much more to think about, and so many more
things more interesting than the romans to think about
that they would have rather written the "new" testament
in greek?
    i am indeed graced by an incompetence
   of having begun with idealising women, experienced
a woman, and thus begun idealising myself
    to a status of idol, or a moral example of plagiarism
worthy of imitation...
               does a crucifix imply a metaphor of
marrying a difficult woman? how many poetic
angles has a man have to write to rob these filthy
philistines of taking things too literally
      and provoking Islam?!
                      when it comes to the old testament
poets only exploit the book of genesis...
   but with the new testament... it's almost like
this need to create a poetic attack on the established
order... and when the book of revelation appears
as the exodus-equivalent book...
       we get: a democracy of poetics...
           which accounts for escaping the health
of the body, and an inherent illness of the abstracted
brain: the mind, and then that becomes
     cubed and encompasses nothing quiet
once more able to take literalism mind's experience
of the world: back into it.
             sheltered man of civilisation can take
a painting more seriously, and then explore it in
his dream factory, than the man pledged to the land
with no galleries, and instead given a canvas
that might swarm with tornadoes and give him
absolutely: no luxury to dream.
   dreaming is a luxury... the last remaining luxury
most people have these days...
   i don't think people can be artists by simply
dreaming... i think they're luxury hobbyist,
       call them the ones standing in line
            as Joseph's Travel Agents... 7 years in Tibet
     (lean years).... and 7 years in a district of Beijing -
where have the "blind" prophets disappeared to?
      and why do so many seem blind
      and blindingly obey to the prophets of "sight"?
nonetheless: frivolous questions...
                 i idealised woman to the extent that
upon encountering a woman: i could not find
an ideal to suggest idol worship for other men...
or create a continuum of dialectical embedding
or the sight of following the cause toward becoming
a sacrificial lamb: whether under the bachelor's
ideal of becoming a martyr - or indeed
                      the idea of becoming a martyr:
bound to old age... and woman - for where did
the wooing of man recede to?! farting into an armchair
and arthritis... much aplenty about that much
could be said about me too: solo.
Olga Valerevna Jul 2014
So how did I become the kind of person that I am
By changing every part of me I couldn't understand
I wonder what I'll find inside the skin that I suspend
Or maybe what I've lost is more apparent in the end
And where is all the evidence I carried on my back
The weight of it has turned it into something inexact
A haziness pervading what I once believed to be
The only inconsistency I wanted to perceive
Secure in all my shakiness but never unaware
That I was going down a road that wasn't even there
And maybe in my head I thought I'd save a place for you
Until I came to realize that's something I can't do
I cannot save anyone.
Julie Watson Nov 2011
You yelled and blamed, turned the innocence to shame and I was finally fed up.
Your tricked me, tripped me, and pushed me down into self-doubt and utter sadness.
I was desperate,
Thinking I could only rely on what I used to do.
The prescription that said my name called out with a familiar voice and said,
“Where have you been?” And as it lured me in, “Don’t you know you can’t be happy without me?”
And so I gave in, but only out of spite.
In all honesty, I really wasn’t trying to do any harm,
But with all the blames of emotions caused by something not yellow, but by you,
I thought, “****, watch me take two.”
But after months of not taking a substance that messes with your head,
And going from 0 to 200 instead…
I should have eased in, and should not have gone over the line that was marked as enough.
I was sick of being crabby and wanting to cry, I wanted a quick fix and I didn’t want to try.

Fast forward to the shaky feeling I knew all too well from that one night in late September.
Coming at me like lightning bolts from outer space,
I couldn’t keep up and my body wasn’t backing down.
The trials of growing pain soreness and worn out aches start to overflow
And spill out of my arms and legs.
Hurting, cramping, shaking, all because I went from 0 to 200
And all I can think about now is how thankful I am that 500 more didn’t slip out into my hand.

Late at night after all the fussing and hustling, the dreams started to kick in and mine were
Interrupted
By shakes and pains, and now that bathroom is calling my name.
Try to breathe and get that dizziness out of my head,
My parents talk instead.
I can’t let them see me now, hear me now.
Because before I knew it, all 200mg and the nothingness I ate that day are spilling out
And my face hurts, but my body is relieved.
I remember reading about how they’d turn your stomach inside out.
Not enough to go, just too much to handle.

Still shaky at 7:03 but glad my body takes care of me.
While I’m not immune to any sickness, I should have been smart enough to know,
To remember,
That my body would never let me go
The quick fix isn’t in an unmarked pill given to the mentally ill,
But by a smile, if I’d just let you give it to me and let it come out once in a while.
The only shakiness I ever want to feel again is the butterflies given from your eyes
Or the little shivers we get when we spend our nights outside.

At 0, I’ve been happy, and more alive than I’ve felt in years.
At 200, I begin to physically combust.
And so the next time you ask me why the slots are still filled,
I’ll just tell you, it’s because I’m happy without them.
Katelin Michelle Oct 2014
in the spinning circles of mass disorder
and the emotions that run rampant

in the inconsistency of the love I deserve
and the ones who want to love me but can't yet

in the influences that taint my blood and mind and will
the caffeine, the smoke, the alcohol that sits for days distilled

in the fluidity of these numbered days
and memories only made beautiful because they're gone

in the never ending collapsing of one thing into the next
with my bewildered mind never escaping from itself to get some rest

Within the whirlwind that is my life right now I am anchored, I am humbled, I overflow with gratitude that in all the inconsistency He waits for me the same.  The sameness in His presence; the unchanging, unwavering, unalterable presence that is Him.
He will always love me; always forgive me.
He waits.
And in the shakiness of growing up, He gives me stability.
Brianna Jan 2014
Smoke filled his beautiful tan skinned cheeks with dimples so cute along that innocent face. His eyes were glazed with love or amusement or pain I couldn't quite be sure.

He kept his teeth white and his hair slicked back. He kept his clothes neat and his shoes polished and he smelled of the midnight sky; I was always a sucker for a well dressed man.

Love wasn't an option but no one said I couldn't be infatuated with his deep voice and dark words that taunted me so easily.

Lusting after you was easy as pie... And just as sweet. You licked your lips and whispered words of ecstasy in my ear. Grabbed my hand and off we went to explore the charming unknown.

He drank whiskey and cheap beer but that didn't stop him from being ever so dashing. I wasn't sure where this was headed but it wasn't smart.

He choked down the shakiness in his voice as he said his goodbyes. He had to get out, move on like those bad boys in the movies often do.

But I realized this wasn't a movie and he would soon be gone. I guess love was an option for me.
lost girl Jun 2014
I'm tired of pretending to be okay
when I am not.
I'm tired of hiding how broken and scared
I feel.
I'm tired of the shakiness
in my hands.
I'm tired of feeling like I am
drowning.
I'm tired of keeping it all
in.

(a.d)
S Mia Aug 2014
Almost seventy million people are enabled in some way to speak in sign.  Nearly half of the entire human race, while speaking, uses hand motions to fulfill the full meaning of the point they are trying to get across.  My whole life, I have never known where to put my hands.  My whole life, I've been told I need to open my mouth and speak but it was always after the fight when my pen hit the paper that I could find the words to say.  It's always taken me until it was too late to come up with a solution to mend what's been broken.  
    We hadn't spoken in nearly three weeks but, when she called to tell me about the run in she had with you, I knew you shed tears and it made me cry too.  We hadn't spoken in nearly three weeks but, I hear the shakiness in your voice.  How?  Because I hear it I'm my own.  I answered the phone a day ago and over my breath, you spoke and over your voice, I listened.  It wasn't until after you'd hung up that I told you if ever we should say goodbye, it will only be with words because words are something you can say and I can write but, together, there is an "us" in everything we see.  Making it clear to each other that this is goodbye would mean nothing when the whole world is one to the other.  
    It'll be years before we realize that we are all universes within ourselves.  And that the sky above us, the ground below us, those are the walls that imprison us, only allowing our embers to shine for a matter of hours.  But it's kind of beautiful, isn't it?  The way that our stars seem to be the brightest objects in the world when all the rest of the earth goes black, when the sun is shut out for the night.  We are all walking solar panels.  Years before I realize that you are a universe and I should have appreciated how lucky I was to have landed you.
    It'll be years and we will still have hands, whether they are chained behind your back, it'll be years and we will still have thoughts and some will still go unsaid.  It's beautiful and it's blue, the way we all carry this soul clenching hope that things will eventually get better in order to be so scared of missing them so much.
    For years, I had been meaning to ask if you'd look back on me fondly even though my lines were never straight, even though my image was never a reflection and my complexion is plain.  Would you still look up to me even though  I am a mess?  A mess made from a head of hair that ends up in handfuls in the bathroom garbage because age, that's what it does to you.  A mess made from love because loving yourself a little less because you're loving someone else a lot more, does a wonder.  A mess made from the **** your mother never told you or something your father said right before he left but, the truth is, each heart is just a trash can and our hands pull everything we love, hate, yearn for or cry over, in for a kiss.  A kiss that eventually opens up, swallowing down spoonfuls of feelings that were wonderful when felt, not choked on.  
    It's simple you see, we are all something simple.  We are all made from a mess, a mess that only one other can clean, a mess that one just as lost, just as found, just as ***** as you; A mess that only "The" one, can add to.
    It had been years now, from the day I dove off the edge of the earth with nothing but the end to catch me.  And for years to come, I will be in love with the idea that I will be falling for a lifetime.
                           -S. Mia
                     August 18,2014
TaciturnPhantom Apr 2014
I can feel myself slipping
From this world
And slowly sinking
Into the depths of darkness –
Watching those familiar faces
Fade from my grasp
Instead becoming consumed
By confusion,
Fear
And muteness.
The iron bars of my cage.

Plunging into my thoughts,
A never ending sea of blackness.
Slowly suffocating
As the barriers fortify
Around my mind.
A cry, a scream for help
As I pound at the strengthening barriers:
Someone help me!
Let me out of here!
Before taciturnity robs me
Of my speech.
Routines and repetitions,
And my own world engulfs me.

Muteness and trembling.
Please, Taci, speak!
Your voice, the panic, the worry
As you grasp my shoulders
And shake me
With an unknown fear
As if to break me from this state.
Why can’t you speak?
My own eyes wide
As I stare at you,
Dumbfounded and fearful.

Sinking deeper into the depths
Of my mind:
Slipping further and further
Into routines and obsessions.
Voices are faded, from another world,
Alien and vague
Spoken in another language.
Incomprehensible and of no meaning,
No use to me!

You watch me on the other side
Of the invisible barrier;
Your hand blocked from my reach.
No matter how hard,
How much you want to help
And try,
Nothing can be done
To stop me from
Slipping through your fingers.

I gaze from afar
Through the tiny window of my mind.
Watching you all laugh, smile and cry.
What do your emotions mean?
What are they for?
What do your face expressions mean?
I am not built for this world:
Too fragile and brittle.
One hit and I'll smash
Into a million billion shards.
My obsessions
Perceived as ecccentric.
My way of speaking -
The shakiness in my voice
And the muteness
Deemed abnormal.
I am an alien becoming more alien.
My language and my mind
Both unsolved paradoxes.
Taylor Jul 2017
being in a dark place gives you
plenty of time to think
so as I sit in this closet I wonder what
would happen if I opened the door.
would my mother still be able to call me
her daughter knowing that she likes girls and guys?
would my father go to an AA meeting one day
and never come home knowing his daughter
could one day get married to a woman?
would my brother not understand or would he
understand but not accept it?
would my grandparents still hug me knowing that
one day I could wake up in a woman's arms?
would my aunt and uncle drag me to the nearest
church and ask God to forgive me and then go home
and pray for me before eating dinner?
would they ever let me near my little cousins again
thinking that they could turn out like me?

being in a dark place gives you
plenty of time to write.
so I write about what I think life is
like outside this door, I write about
the slivers of light that come through
the cracks in the door and how wonderful it
must be to see it in all its glory.
I write about the shakiness I get in my hands
whenever a distant relative asks if I have a
boyfriend yet I write about all this and tuck
it away like a child trying to hide a
broken item from their parents because
they don't want to get in trouble.

being in a dark place gives
you plenty of time to hope
although it is hard to come by,
it's all you really have.
so as I sit in this closet getting ready
to endure another sleepless night
I hope that one day my hands will stop
shaking long enough for me to
finally open the door and be able to live
in the light I have only seen in small pieces
and I hope that when this
day comes, if it ever comes
I won't be alone like I am right now.
why does the closet have to exist
abby jordan Mar 2015
as i fell in love
you started to take control of me
you were suddenly released into my veins
in my bloodstream
flowing through me
thoughts of you
were spread throughout my body
putting a smile on my face
butterflies in my stomach
shakiness in my hands
and goosebumps on my arms
you are a piece of me
a part of me
i feel as if
you make me whole
i put my happiness in you
and that's where i went wrong
now
the feelings are even stronger
and to an even greater extent
and now
my frail and fragile
glass heart
is in your hands
please,
don't let it go.


-a.r.
not finished
dog pillow Oct 2019
The musty smell fills my nostrils and I am

Frustrated.

Lines don’t go where they belong and the paint won’t dry.

I love the brush like I love the paint.
Solemnly and with respect.

Smoothness rounds my movements
Shakiness fills my hands.

I want to feel how the oil feels
Powerful; purposeful.

But what remains of me is the canvas.
Blank and achingly abismal.
Nat Lipstadt Sep 2019
Hineni, Hineni; I’m ready, my lord.”  
(For Evangeline Ruth Hope
)

<>

”Hineni is Hebrew for “here I am,” and is the response
Abraham gives when God calls on him
to sacrifice his son Isaac. It is also the name of a
prayer of preparation and humility, addressed to God”


<>

what you do not know
is that this word,
was spoken with a fist beating
a pin into the praying man’s chest

recited daily,
shades of hopeful, reverent resonance,
a shaded resolution, disguised as a quavering variable,
a statement, a questioning, an unsteady surety,
all of the above

this word, rooted in my genetic consciousness,
been ready repeated since my first whispering

was I ten years aged?

first time, full on bowing
on the synagogue floor, not fully understanding or
ready to confess my selfish need for forgiveness,
my forehead resting on my stubbed fingers resting on carpet,
worn thin by my predecessors ancestors,
who now comprehend more, but then, never enough

these same fingers, that write this collective,
                                  Hineni,
a word repeated oft, flavoring of the who
of who I am, a training in soul fracking from
early childhood, its import, powerful beyond
today’s identity revisionist empowering

let me plainly speak, in the original language
taught to me with that other tag along, English,
a lingua franca, a dialect that can never capture
a soul presenting himself in substantiated readiness

for the whatever exists in between
hallelujah and hineni, where the rubber soul
hits the road, stumbling on hands and knees
on a forest path of roots and soil, where sunlight breaks tween
branches, are road signs to look up, look down, look within

I know your name,
Evangeline Ruth Hope
analyzed its components,
cleverly constructed Greek and Hebrew rooted,
bearer of good tidings, following Ruth in, to hope,
you a Moabite in Mormon Utah, preparing
yourself for exposure, practicing humility
unceasingly seeking

good

that is how it should be

cannot translate well enough
what was this gift given to me
learning as a youth, a wanderer, tribal member
where beseeching is second nature,

and accepting personal responsibility fully cardinal,
fiddling prayers while standing unsteady on
the roofs of extreme shakiness

hineni is then but this:
a prideful admission of strength

ready ready ready, here I am,
completely unready for the unknown future foretold,

hineni I know

here I am,
ready or not,
find me so I can be found,
cease, help me cease, my foundering,
confident in my willingness to
find a way


netanel
9/12/19
Emma Katka Jun 2015
still got me
tongue tying me
me lying to me

i'm walking a tightrope

it started as a beam
until i realized i no longer dream
there are no more bursts
there are no more flames
there's a shakiness in my voice
but it still sounds the same

i wonder some days if you'll come back

i know most days you never will
Katie Mar 2015
clenching my fingers to tight into my ripped skin on my palm-
should i do it?
unsettling butterflies arising into my lungs-
will i be okay?  
conflicting mind moments
gut feelings
sweat resting above my upper lip
liquefied drops of a pleasing heart
averting ocean blue eyes taking in every banged up locker
why do i even try?
large steps of pure shakiness when i see you-
can i tell what i really feel?
Amanda Kay Burke Mar 2018
I love you. Those three words hurt me more than you could imagine.
Knowing I couldn't say them back broke me and made my head spin.
You asked why I was crying, held me, didn't ask again,
I knew you would get through it, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to look at other men.
I remember the sadness on your face, the anger in your voice, the shakiness in mine,
And the joy you felt when you met her that made your heart shine.
The lack of remorse when you felt my pain and the reality of your cold shoulder,
I did what you said, tried to be happy for you, almost moved on and got older,
Then I saw it happen again, how I hated to see you suffer,
So when she told me how she felt I didn't stop her although that choice was tougher.
When I heard you say yes, my mind went blank save for that word on repeat,
My tears soaked that pillow until sleep made my consciousness retreat.
You never knew what I know, that inside i held feelings for you,
There was always a part of me, that was dying to say I love you too.
This was written long long ago about a guy I really cares for but couldn't be with due to outside circumstances. He still doesn't know to this day.
El Dec 2019
I know the fear is all in my head and the dizziness I feel is misleading
I know my heart is pounding does not mean i'm dying
I know the skipped beats are not threatening
I know no one is watching me
I know no one is listening
I know that its not real
I know i'm safe
I know

But

What if its real
What if I am dying
What if i'm having a heart attack
What is the dizziness makes me faint
What if everyone is watching me and noticing
What if everyone can hear the shakiness if my voice
What if my pounding heart in seconds away from stopping

Breathe.
Anxiety disorders are the worse.
Thoughts that go through my head, even though i know they are not real, make it even worse.
Allie Johnson Sep 2014
I pinched my fingers
Formed calluses on the softer parts of my thumbs
Like you did on my lips once
I felt the lack of touch in the soles of my palms
Like hip bones just wanting to feel anything other than clothing
I've watched as my hands have trembled
Like the shakiness in a voice of denial
I've seen my hands wrinkle with time, soften with touch
I watched them grow
While they grew into the hands you didn't care of much
My hands were once red and yours blue
You touched mine and realized purple just wasn't meant for you

I stopped pinching my fingers
After realizing I shouldn't wait for a love that just lingers
But for a man that doesn't make me want to pinch my fingers
Himanshu Chandra Sep 2016
Sublime feeling,destroying
Ladders of pain,painstakingly furious.
A pure evening,she's dress'd,
Black and white,curious.

Candles,small lights flickering across the balcony,
My blood,colour disrupted,cunning.
The black thread on my left hand,running tight,
She'd say,to open it.

Lots of stories hidden inside that,how can I remove,
How can I remove?
My thumb,still feels weak,
Walls of my heart feels leak.

All the shadow running in my intestine,
feels like large is merged with small,
Her beautiful eyes,weird like marijuana,
feels like amphetamines,

Superhero I was.
Not frightened with sadness of darkness,
Frightened with the fake obligations of happiness.
Shakiness of my school streets has gone,

The taste,aroma of tarmac has gone.
Feels like she's still there with orange bar in her hand,
Lips orange,soul red and pure,
And I collected clay in the form of sand.

-Himanshu Chandra
krm Aug 2017
I've stood in front of an angel teary eyed,
nodding that I was ready for departure.
Spoken to a Heavenly Father,
with a weeping tone caught in my throat
that I didn't have the strength to keep living.

The devil had me in chains,
but Angels spoke to me once
"You are enough" they sang

Static in my mind,
as I hear the shakiness of photos falling off the wall,
the beast has come to feed on my head-
it wants me dead.

There aren't enough prayers to lift me
from what's breaking my spirit,
Spirits wept and spoke inaudibly,
"Let it happen, there's not much to be done"

Ethereal, but they could detect darkness all through my body,
in shades of red, grays, and blacks.
They frame my figure and display it in the gallery
of tortured souls.

Nightmares had predicted such a tragic ending,
when I bled,
the beast could track me down.
His claws are long and sharp, cutting into my skin
Its disease infecting my blood.

It likes the parts of my brain that are seeped in ink,
it loves when I'm alone and all I do is think.

It's stronger than me, coming to life when I write about it.
I hear it's heavy footsteps, deep breaths
and smell my death-
resembling the inside of its foul, jagged mouth

Angels will carry me to a place I might consider home,
they'll admire my suffering because,

I've become a martyr
to the imbalance of chemicals in my brain,
and with every moment my heart was beating,
I made efforts to fight off everyone else's pain.

Perhaps, when I meet heaven
I'll have a cigarette
and not be bothered by everything in white.
When my skin touches its surface much of it will turn gray.
Willing to die, they'll recognize my own lack of willpower
in letting it rip my heart from my chest.

It pounded so loudly in the beast's clutches,
it squeezed it between its palm and erupted--
painting the living in sinner's blood.

— The End —