No direction anywhere yet I know just to take it day-by-day
No direction anywhere while I wonder if it’s even needed
If direction isn’t simply for the weak
If the real option isn’t just in letting go
Writing these lines at 10 am in Barcelona
No fixed plan but to live day-by-day
Look into my shadow and see the reason behind this short of breath
Deciding to get some proper rest before facing the day,
I put my alarm at 11.30 am
Responsibilty
Respons-ability
The ability to respond
Not mapping out your entire life
Moment to moment having the ability to respond
Day-by-day without direction
The most responsible way you can live
Phone on silent sleeping through
1.30 pm as I open my eyes
Back to being depressed as I desperatey try and tell myself that it’s okay
That it really isn’t so bad what I’m feeling
Not believing myself,
dreading that day-by-day will never enough
my religion, my holy grail
The daily question of ”what is the right choice today?”
No path laid out, no decided way to walk
Nobody giving you orders nor pushing yourself for a goal
The act for the act itself
A freedom obligating yourself the constant question of,
”what is the right choice today?”
I wake up to the alarm as I hear her roommate in the kitchen
Dreading the encounter desperately hoping she will accept me as I’m afraid to look her in the eyes
Hating the fact that I just know she sees the state I’m in
The anxiety written all over my face
Surely thinking, ”what is wrong with this guy?”
This guy with no direction in life
Day-to-day, waking up in Barcelona
No fixed plan but knowing the time has come to look into my shadow
Day-to-day, propelling me to write poems
Do serious introspection, forcing me to be fully alive
I leave the kitchen with the implications it might have
Of being this guy who’s not more than what is presented in this very moment
Wondering how much it has to do with a lack of direction
Yet I wouldn’t want any
Nor could I try and force one on me would I want to
The only option being to come to terms with the fact that I have no idea what tomorrow will bring
Where I will be in one month, what I will do in one year
Life is not to be controlled but to be unfolded before your eyes
And if the prize for that is angst
What at times seems to be an everlasting short of breath
Then I choose the uncertainty of life
Rather than force a direction
A direction from my logical mind which doesn’t know ****, anyway
Writing the poem sooths me, as I for a moment accept my faith as the aimless drifterer
I ask a pretty girl outside the book store what she’s reading
Another girl inside only speaking Catalan if she’s finding anything interesting
Before passing by a punk with purple hair begging for money
”How are you?” I ask her looking at her five cups spread out
One for food, one for tattoos, another for vet, and two more for alkohol and ****
Take the anxiety as it comes with all my freedom
Sit down in the dark with a candle as long as it takes
Letting the emotions have their run
Only to wake up the next day with the very same question,
”What is the right choice today?”
No pre-conceptions, no judgement, no saying I should do this or that
Response-ability
Let my instincts guide me, moment to moment being all there is
Not as in watching Youtube or other so-called escapes
Fully engage and if you can’t,
take the huge amount of responsability needed of living day-to-day
Not falling into activites being about life rather meant to be lived another day
Unless, and if you can all the power to you, if you you can watch that kitty-clip with all your heart
What direction could I possibly choose anyway
Go to school
I love my freedom too much
Be a ***
Not really a direction
Neither is traveling
Work as bike messenger
More of a paid hobby
Be a poet
That’s not something you choose
A poker player
Not really something to choose
Devote myself to creative processes
But I wonder if I’m just fumbling in the dark
Desperately trying to hold on to something
When the reality is…
