When I was little my mother put me in several ballet classes in hopes to bring some grace to my stumbling gait.

I grew up walking on eggshells, wobbling to keep my balance on a tightrope that never really ended.

 My instructor pinched my thighs and shook her bony finger at me every tuesday and thursday for three and a half years.

4 am, I'm still tiptoeing around the creaks in the stairs as if anyone would notice an empty bed.

 This Christmas I came across the broken reminents of the ballerina ornaments my younger sister used to play with.

I never did master the delicate posture I was expected to adopt. My feet fell a bit too heavy, I suppose, on the ice tonight.

I'm not cold anymore, just exhausted from attempting to balance the wrong things for too long.

My life is flashing before my eyes, but all I see is a younger version of myself practicing Grand Battements on thin ice while everyone slept.

I am no longer rusty
tunic driven like a alabaster skeleton through tongues of wine
hearts of misshaped happiness breathing beneath my tongue
aqua marine
risky
danger zones between close mouths and breath
long locks of dark brown trail against your back
like water paint fluid on your paper like skin
hold me here beautiful forever
I will rest in between your palms
as you open them to gather water from the
river of our sacred dreams
I will lay there like a small fairy
for you
at ease

I understand the viscousness the inexplicable vitality
with a woman next to a woman
I can teach you how to be comfortable with me
we might become black at times

we might burn
reminents built
torn and ashy

but here there is a beauty
a burgundy understanding of similar nature
rich with cause
suitable by death

night bound by the man who believed he was clever
driven insanity
crude hearts gestures
leave that castle
be my vampire
join my tower

touch the sent of the wicker
and dive into this feminine power
I set hot trembling
tender sighs let out
every hour

I will hunt those wild beasts within your breast
hold your hand and kiss your chest
stitch myself to your ivory neck
seek you
until my hearts a wreck

I can hear my loved ones screams
Reminents on memories
caught in the cobwebs of my dreams
I can't see them
I can't help them
And I'm stuck in the blackness of the dream
I try to open my eyes
And I struggle And to my surprise
I can  move
And I can breath
But I can't feel and I can't see
I hear them screamin'
screamin' my name
screamin' for my help
screamin' to my shame
And I'm trapped I'm all alone caught in the blackness on the dream
listen to them scream and scream and scream
And then  finally when I wake up
I am shaken that was ****** up
I am sweating under bedding cuz' I know whats comin' next
I've had enough

"HEYYYY"
Mind screams
****
Forgot to shut it up with that little blue pill again
Too late
Morning will be torturous either way
Dragged to hell by sleep deprivation
Or the reminents of a pill taken a little too late at night
Pick your poison  
Well well
Sleep deprivation it is
Now that you have my utmost attention
What would you like to tantalize me with tonight?
A poem?
Fantastic!
Not like my emotional or physical wellbeing matters anyway
Please
Entertain me with your 2 AM blues
Ugh
So late
Really?
Why are we googling North Korea?
Can't we do this tomorrow?
I'm gonna hate you so bad tomorrow

seeking validation
like coming up for air
after being underwater for 6
months
like looking for the reminents
of yourself on your past lovers
collecting them up
like searching for the meaning of
life and getting ****** in the
end
understanding heartbreak
like birthing your feelings
a c section to remove
the security
the intimacy
the love

Sunflower stems ripping

through my bones

and teeth

****** fingers

dripping on the seems

Reminents of burnt edges

just cremate me


Sunflower petals

suffocate me

wring me dry

Soak up my melting

heart

Leave me here to

die


Sunflower girl

poison me tonight

take away the golden light

from the pearly sky