Forgetting*,
It's so painful.
Because to forget something,

You must first remember.

Let's stand around and talk about taxes and crime
Or watch it on t.v
Cool people only getting cooler
As alcohol leaks

I think I remeber leaving a party with you and falling asleep
on a dew covered hill

But I woke up in my bed

The shirt you had warn
Was pink and white through the haze
Remebering your face
But I still couldn't think your name
...I remember that you said you liked only
The old starwars
And your favorite Zelda
Ocorina of time
You got high with me and watched adventure time
And talked to me about the effects of ether on the human mind
You liked ska and doc martens
With only black laces
Japanese tea pots
BC ***
Black Jack Davey
Tattooed on your neck
You told me you were fourteen
When you last wore black lipstick.
"Far out"  
Yellow Submarine
Mushroom picker
The
Tingling of your spine
As it creeps up your neck
I was about to fall away to oblivion
Until I saw your smiling teeth




I got all the way to work without noticing
Jen
And your number on my wrist

I am obsessed,
obsessive
obsessing
over you.
So much that I think I've become ill.

My mind throbs
from all the memories.
Vague and vivid
and even imageless,
remebering all of them
from when we were five
to just last weekend.
My eyes are red and itchy,
my tears that just won't cease.
My body aches,
my muscles feel twisted and ripped
beneath my skin,
as if you tore through my arms
trying to escape from our embrace.
My chest feels heavy
carrying this burden.
And my breath feels thick
with the old blood of our compassion.

I am sick.
Sick with you
and why everything seems totally fine one moment,
and then I get lost in the lull of my empty bedroom,
with a knife reflecting
your handsome rigid face.

I view you like a daughter, a niece, a sister
I watch your achievments and I feel pride
I see your setbacks and it crushes me
I want to take you in, bundle you up
Tell you that you're loved, comb your hair
But from afar I can only supervise
I can hear you say "look, no hands!"
And it makes me smile when I see you laugh
A ball of energy yet so supressed and bound
You remind me of my younger self
So of course I adopted you, atleast, in a sense
I wonder how you're doing everyday
I hope for once theyre treating you OK
And when I see you next, my heart breaks
Remebering that nuturing directly
Is out of the question, who would listen to me?
Some crazy woman with mistaken identity
You're my honorary niece regardless
You're a good kid, a good egg, good news
I see the potential in you, as you grow
You will let go of the blanket and let your hands show
You should know, there are those that love you
Just not considered qualified to prove so

subliminating
making all the bad thoughts into firewood to build a fire to warm my hands.
Teeth falling out, scared of how you see me. scared to see how others see things.
latent content laying me down, sweeping me under the rug.
dirt.
My ego and super ego are fighting, i.d's sleeping with childlike bliss.
Typical.
Dreams are too scary, I'd rather be awake.
Escaping
REM
Rapid eye movement, trying to find an exit sign. scanning the polaroid- covered walls of my skull for a fracture in the bone, where the sunlight filters in.
freudian slip.
a mistake. linked to my mind when it drifts.
I call you by his name, remebering his face that haunts the edges of my vision.
I think I may need a doctor.
a therapist, a  drug, a wagging finger to ensure me that this will be over
it's just a breeze.
kicking up the hem of mydress that guards my freudian slip.

I forgot what it was like to spar with witty banter
I forgot what it was like to be grabbed with gentle hands
I forgot that a conversation doesn’t have to be all ******
I forgot what it was like to date a man
-ALC Feb 9, 2019

I don’t know where to start.....

She has me baffled because I cannot believe she betrayed my trust
She forgot about us
For what? For lust?
Lust mistaken for love

Gained attention from a new source that causes a chain reaction of butterflies and smiles

Her old love has been forgotten
For her new love is exciting

Out with the old in with the new
Deception was formed and you knew...

I yearned for your affection but you ignored my calls
You burned my obsession and you added to my flaws

I’m afraid to love again cause you loved me when I was nothing and I guess I couldn’t
take it
So how will I love again if I feel these girls alwayz fake it....

Our love was sacred, a bond everlasting
But everything has an end and our love never lasted
It died it’s in a casket
Our fires exntinguished and the pain surpasses
the joy that was conceived and received
But I was deceived into this make belief

This so called fairy tale....
Ended up to be my very hell
Left me weary, frail
Trapped in a deadly cell.
Remebering our existence very well....

I’m cursed, I’m hexed
With words and stress
My nerves are wrecked
It’s absurd and yes.....

I still love you, **** I can’t help it
Your smile lingers in my mind and I can’t accept it
That it’s gone and I took it for granted and lost it
Your smile makes me smile, ironic, cuz the pain you caused it

Exhausted........

Remebering your voice
And the tone
The gentleness
Protectiveness
It started up again.

Why?
I was over you
I let go of you
I moved on without you
Why is this happening.

I wont turn again
I go forward
Not backwards
So make up your mind

Just please
Understand
What is past is past
I will be sure
It will
Never happen again.

I cry my heart dry to the thought of you

my eyes they feel as though---

I dont want to think about you
because if I do
I will have a drought within my body

for years

I have dreamt of you so many times
I have thought of how it would be
to simply stand next to you

I remember your parents porch
and I remember you
on bright sunny days
you couldnt be more beautiful---

you were----
so beautiful

and no matter how anyone sees you from that angle
you will never be more beautiful
than to me at that second
when I walked up
and introduced drinking wine

I will never forget that day
when nothing could have been more simple
than me laying down next to you
I remember everything
down to your awkward smile
nothing
nothing was more beautiful
than your smile

thinking of any gesture that you might make
noone will ever be more impassioned by you
than me
hate that truth
or grasp it
no one will
but me
because we come from the same place
that has a thick air of loneliness

makes my blood cringe
and I feel inconsistent knowing that any of you
was ever really
real

I hurt knowing and remebering that you were real
your beauty
hurts me

Im wounded by who you are

in a complete sense and completely
I am everything
in everything that you are
and if you cease to exsist

then I am dust.

and nothing matters anymore
although you never mattered

because I am nothing but dust

to tattered eyes
in hopeless glimpses
in everything without you.

should day become tomorrow ..a day that i should die
would life upon this planet care.. would people laugh or cry
would time go on un-noticed ..would people hold their breath
i very much so doubt it my life now sudden death

do flags get flown because im out and nearly 6ft down
i very much do worry not i bet no sudden frowns
my life is that a tiny ant ..that ****!! no longer there
i bet a younger ant like me be ready that i fear

In times gone past we hasten had forgotten all our pals
remebering of the dead we know yet someone filled their souls
will we become a memory fad that people just dont share
a stone inside a churches yard bare of love and care

My death will go so no one see's a greif of family life
my freinds,my love and closest ones will mourneth me
a day of life be had
time will heal those wounded souls and time will fade away
leaving just a dusty stone crumbling day by day

Am I crazy?
         staying up all night
        Remebering how you felt next to me
Am I crazy
         Thinking about your hair
          and how it always feel perfectly
Am I crazy
             Wanteing you to be here with me
             Even though you would hurt me constantly
Am I crazy
               Wanting you to be there when I have our baby?

If
my insides
where as gritty
as my taste

would you still doubt
me?

Because every morning
when I wake
up from
my sleep

I get shivers
down my spine
remebering the things
you told me

last night

You make me sick
beyond my reasoning

Yet here I go
again

Playing doctor
Like I Do

Telling you
To keep the
sword away
from
Your Heart

Suicide isn't
As glorious
As a new start

This supposed triumph that has left me corrupt
At home this silence has left me to rust
This tiresome festering love
Makes me think my insides aren't enough

Remebering better times
Memories together in the sunshine
Tendencies of her are stuck in my mind
They're cavities that I can't fill with what I find

But what I need is no concern of yours
When I bleed, I only burn down our doors
My greed only lures me to my own guts and gore
These weeds tore and have left me raw

Now, I could lead you to my mind
I would feed you on what we find
Though I shouldn't need you to be mine
This seed doesn't seem to grow only with time

Now all is left is the morning due
With what I thought I knew
I'm sorry I didn't know what to do
I'm sorry I didnt know what I'd do to you

What were we before
What was I before
Maybe to me it means something more
Either way I can't go on like this anymore

I knew things beforehand,
I knew things after that hand,
Digging and clawing a way in the sand,
Looking for something to grab,
Safe for a second or two,
Drifting back to the old you,
Remebering when you were at your best,
And then falling in to your worst,
Can't stop this "curse."
-
Boo hoo

I remember the first time I saw us together...
Physically saw us together.
It was in your bathroom mirror the first time I went to your house.
I was wearing your shirt
And you were wearing mine.
And I thought we looked like the biggest mix match couple ever.
Like people would wonder how we got together.
2 years later and I love every single picture
Of us together.
Every single time it makes me so happy.
Just looking at the pictures of us.
Remebering how in love with you I am.
Knowing how far we've come.
Its so beautiful.
We are the most adorable couple.
We try the hardest.
Not only are we making things work
We're loving each other while doing it.
I wouldn't want to make it work with anyone else but you.
Because I'm so in love
With you yelling "wake up it's morning"
And you saying hellooooo when you call me and it eventually escalating to "haaarrrooo"
I'm so in love with the smiles you keep adorned on my face in your presence
The laughs that flow out of me when I'm with you
When your a complete and utter dork and all I can think about when I look at you
Is how lucky I am
How in love with you I am
And how I could never be with anyone else.

going home once more on the midnight train
had enough of drifting going home again
back home to the place that i love the best
roaming days are over time for me to rest

settle down for good with friends and family
the place where i was raised where i long to be
the only place i know where i want stay
home again to mama. and her loving way.

the place where i was born brought up as a kid
remebering the times and all the things i did
settle down for good drifting days are gone
home again once more   no,more moving on.

back to all my roots friends and family
happy and content like i used to be
to the place i love that i call my home
settle down for good.then i wont have to roam

the place where i was born brought up as a kid
remebering the times and all the things i did
settle down for good drifting days are gone
home again once more   no,more moving on.

remebering the bliss
the courage we had to love
one another
never knowing the trouble
the pain
the uncertainty it caused other
we never cared
just head over heels
in love
love
love
L-O-V-E
love
they couldnt seperate us
Listen? to who?
them?
Never!
Our hearts spoke
but they never listened...
we did
we ran
started over
who knew what
we had endured...?
no one here
a fresh start is
given
with a whole
new meaning to
that thing we call love..

The world is a marble
The size of a tumor
Inside the mind:

Breathe, just breathe,
I feel everything
All at once,
I delve in the paradox
Of the devil's advocacy,
You are all against me....

Ok....breathe....
The body shakes
Inside the child whose body
Doesn't recognise the man,
Sweet memory hits like
A punch to the gut
And remebering becomes
A fist fight.

You!

Who?

YOU!

And I speak to myself
Outside like some external
Ghost that carries all
That I never wanted to be.
Holding in and biting
My tongue off left the man
A little boy.

Night falls,
I chew my nails down to the
Elbow, where is the peace
I read in the poetry that
Motions I am not crazy after all,
I am alone,
Yeah Bukowski....
Alone with myself
And I cant stand that
P.O.S.

what became of Cyril & Methodius -
or what torpedo-headed
alligned

          old rome, and new rome,
or rather: old greece
                 and new greece...

the:
              δελτα   |
                               дεлтα...

a world so small,
          gravitating toward
a taking...
                  but a nudge in
the right direction...
      and all, fall...

               had i but the hunger
to clarify stipend grievances,
i would not be the one
"owing" an education
worth flushing down the toilet...

all they taught was how to
prolong idlehood,
            and confiscate my limbs...
at least by writing,
i can retain owning a tongue,
without fear of having it removed.

there is no nostalgia to crave
for, no "classic" example...
           but the byzantines can
be proclaimed as the birth fathers
of modern russia, as antithesis
of rome...
          for that i give them praise...

for what it is worth remebering
about modern greece, i.e. byzantine...
                    is its the cyrillic script.

after all, the foundation stone of
russia...
              unless you mind,
this is the modern, ancient Trojan
horse of prospect...
              
              i wouldn't bother
taking Dante as a guide...
             for me?
                                        Horace.

Do you remember?
Do you recall?
The story starts
the same way,
don't they all?
Once,
There was a storm raging
against the outside
of the building we
were in that we could
hear through the wall.
We both reached for
the same object
at the same time
and there was something
in the casual intimacy
of that brief touch
that I've thought about
all my life.
I've been chasing lightening
through dark skies
and old mythology
and coming up hollow,
empty as a promise to behave
but I'm still hunting
it down as I while away
these humid dog days.
In the soft wet soil
with Nimoy tracking
In Search of...
but finding questions
answered, discarded or
pointless and losing
years in the rabbit holes
that I fall down.
What was the magic
of a moment just after
I knew what I know
but before I knew that
I had no clue what
I know, afterall.
And how do you explain
a longing for something
as ineffable as a fleeting
moment of comfort
wrapped in nervous
flirty laughter?
Once,
I found myself attempting
to recover and laid
out against a bare floor.
You floated over me in
dimples and sunlight
and soft, sweet kisses
or...am I remebering that right?
I'm sitting in the Summer
trying to relate to
Winter how I got
caught up in the Spring
trying to explain the Fall.
Still, fires burn
and waves crash.
Babies are born
and nothing will last.
But for a moment,
years and exactly
one lifetime ago,
I was okay with it all.
I found comfort
in the thunder
and shelter
in the squall.

theres a big red flower we wear on poppy day
remebering the soldiers who gave there lives away
fighting for us all so we could be free
now we wear a flower in there memory

giving all there courage and there bravery
if it wasnt for the soldiers we would never be
they just kept on fighting no matter what the cost
we must think about them. and there lives they lost.

now we wear there emlem on a poppy day
to remember all the soldiers who gave there lives away
we owe it to them all for there bravery
who fought till the end. so they could set us free.

if wishes do come true i would wish for you
to come back home to me start again a new
i know i made mistakes that i was to blame
now my life without you.  will never be the same

i lay awake at night my mind wont let me sleep
when i close my eyes in to my mind you creep
thinking of the times when you were here with me
thinking how it was how it used to be

remebering the days and the night we met
and the love we shared that i wont forget
i will keep on wishing you will come back to me
in love again once more like we used to be

hoping that my wishes finally come true
then we can love again like we used to do
you here by my side we can and start a new
sharing love once more like we used to do

if wishes do come true i would wish for you
to come back home to me start again a new
i know i made mistakes that i was to blame
now my life without you.  will never be the same