We all know about Rudolph
and how his nose lights up the night
And olive, the other reindeer
Who help Santa with his flight
But, there's one who is forgotten
From the Christmas songs and rhymes
And I think you should hear about him
Yes, I think it is about time
Randy was a reindeer
He liked to play the reindeer games
But he too, was like Rudolph
And the others called him names
Randy, wasn't much at flying
Didn't like going out most nights
Randy, well, he was just different
You see, he was afraid of heights
He couldn't see where he was going
Either in the day or night
You see Randy needed glasses
He had a problem with his sight
His balance was in question
Always falling to the ground
If a reindeer falls in the forest
Does that reindeer make a sound?
He had a skin condition
He needed special cream to help
The harness didn't help him
In fact, it made him yelp
He was shorter than the others
And his stride was a bit off
And when Santa came to see him
Randy had a nervous cough
He didn't like the female reindeer
He liked the males, more than he should
Randy was "light up in the antlers"
And to Santa, that's no good
Santa couldn't fly with Randy
Randy's name, it was all wrong
It screamed out Broadway not of Christmas
It didn't work in all the songs
Santa said "you're a strange reindeer"
"You can't fly, you're blind and gay"
"And if you led my team out"
"We'd not be done in just one day"
"I'm sorry, reindeer Randy"
"I have to cut you from the team"
"They play one side,you're another"
"If you know what Santa means"
So, Randy, he just wanders
Round the north pole all the while
Bumping into things and falling
With his light antlers and strange smile
He's not a famous reindeer
And I think that it's ok
That Santa has a reindeer
Who, we now all know is gay.
i love to watch the reindeer playing in the snow
antlers seem to glisten there eyes they seem to glow
with there heads held high having lots of fun
rubbing heads together in the winter sun
a beast with so much beauty running in the wild
i just love to watch this mother natures child
Not only are we going to kill you
(Subsequently leaving your wife and children destitute)
and glue your head to the wall
(It's called taxidermy, alright? It's a profession. Professional.)
but we will also perch this Santa hat
On the smallest tines
Of your impressive
Set of antlers
(The kind any other buck would
bow and scrape
Because it's that time of year again.
Here's wishing a very
To you, your wife, and children.
Had a collection
Of last season's
Which she indexed
With the help
Of a sincere
Dressed in spandex
Who for some reason
Is so important to me
So they were labelled
And kept in taxis
At disused angle grinder factories
Near the Tower of Babel
Would be able
The finer points
Of her physiognomy.
Quite an unusual praxis
And something of an anomaly
For someone like me
Wouldn't you agree?
Cross my heart
And hope to die
"You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall?
The most famous reindeer of all?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Has a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeers
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Then all the reindeers loved him,
And they all shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nose Reindeer
You'll go down in history!"
Why is it that just because he
was asked for help by a celebrity (Santa)
and became associated with this celebrity,
all the other reindeer all of a sudden love him?
Doesn't that mean that the reindeers only love him
because he is now a celebrity
and not him as a reindeer?
Christmas Eve was coming
There was plenty to be done
There were protocols to follow
There were programs to be run
Presents needed wrapping
Elves had duties of their own
They've been doing it for centuries
They could call Christmas in by phone
Reindeer games were scheduled
Christmas Carols to be sung
There were toys to be assembled
There were bells that must be wrung
Christmas Cakes...no problem
For we all know there's just one
It gets passed around each Christmas
And that is half the fun
But, back now to the reindeer games
Donner wasn't there
But, neither were three others
It gave Santa Claus a scare
He called the elven vet in
Said "find out what it wrong"
"If I don't have all my reindeer"
"It'll ruin Rudolph's song"
The vet came back directly
Hoof and mouth was what he said
The reindeer must miss Christmas
They were all confined to bed
Santa couldn't take it
Reindeer home...what would he do?
He thought real hard about an answer
Where would he find something that flew
The vet said, "I've an answer"
"But, no questions...just your trust"
"I'll get your gifts delivered Santa"
"I just need your magic dust"
Santa said "do your best Doctor"
"We can't have Christmas end like this"
"Are you sure you have an answer?"
"We can't give Christmas time a miss"
The vet and elves went searching
They formed a team like none before
They went around to the animals
And then they knocked on Santa's door
Santa looked at what they'd brought him
His reindeer gone, but here they stood
A team had been assembled
It made Santa sink into his hood
Harnessed up before him
The vet had two dogs and a bear
A beaver, goat, and donkey
And a bald, blind cat...stood there
He smiled and said "Dear Santa"
"They may not look like that much now"
"But, they'll get you where you need to be"
"And they'll be led by a brown cow"
If you hear some noises
From your roof, like bleats and barks
Some, meowing or some mooing
And other strange sounds in the dark
Remember, it's just Santa
With his new team for the season
Rex, Rolf, Billy, Ben, Bessie, Joe, and Mike
and a bald, blind cat who's freezin'
Merry Christmas to all and to all....don't look up!!
Santa Claus went to New york
city to exchange his reindeer for buffalo.
Now his reindeer were so angry
that they soon started an army against him.
Santa Claus had the nerve to leave
all of them behind the fence with the buffalo.
He wasn't going to retire them all right away.
He left without saying this at all.
Dasher performed karate on the
buffalo's drum of a stomach fast as can be.
Dancer did the jitter bug one of
the buffalo's floor of a back to the breeze.
Prancer always copied dancer so
down came the buffalo on to the ground.
Vixen grunted a carol in one of
the buffalo's ears til eyes wild from sound.
Comet aimed for one buffalo's
head but only ran through his his legs.
Cupid bit in like a vampire on
one of the buffalo's neck and just smiled.
Donner was having dinner and
couldn't be fighting for his gift of the job.
Blitzen actually stabled a buffalo
in heart and committed murder at night.
The reindeer halted in horror
even Donner downing some of his carrots.
The reindeer made peace after
all this was not the season of the slaughter.
Santa Claus walked over to find
all of this and calmly buried the buffalo.
He said to them now he wasn't
going to change his mind he is just going
to use them every other holiday.
All the reindeer started to sigh away.
They all thanked God for the
Buffalo's miraculous patience.
From that day on Reindeer and Buffalo
work together every holiday.
Santa Claus changed his mind yet again
with a twinkle in his eyes.
Forgiveness was in the air.
So last night, I stopped by Santa's workshop
And I met his team of eight tiny reindeer
His sweet little wife and all of his elves
AND do you know, they whispered in my ear
some members of Hello Poetry are very naughty
So Santa's added their names to his list, my dear
AND Santa declared with a very saddened heart
they will be blessed with nothing this year
Yee hee hee hee haw
ha ha ha ha ha
the old Laughing Santa wished
with his eight little reindeers, carrying the sleigh
he came swiftly, flying our way
sleigh bells ringing, whooshing through the snow
his sturdy little reindeers, rushed in a row
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen
Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen
they swoosh and crash and dash and scoot
they bolt so fast, and look so cute
children singing and dancing with joy
as he showers some glitters of happiness in sky
It's an occasion of celebration
there's no room for sadness
let's spread the joy by doing
a random act of kindness
Yee hee hee hee haw
ha ha ha ha ha
the old Laughing Santa wished
In the forest stood tall admirable pine trees,
As we walked hand in hand with ease,
Upon a blanket of snowy and frozen grounds,
Hearing voices and beautiful sounds.
While the cold winds softly echoed through the night,
Bringing harmonious whispers, as we glared into the moonlight,
And the trees were beautifully dressed in white, on this Christmas Eve,
With clusters of long evergreen needle leaves.
The breeze murmured through the branches,
Gently waving making advances,
Saying "please take me home,"
"I am stuck in the cold" in a low tone.
Near lied an adorable reindeer,
Whispering words we barely could hear,
When we walked closer, it fearfully ran,
As fast as it can.
Joined by a polar bear,
Who sadly said "I am scared,"
And we quickly selected our tree,
Though it was quite difficult to see.
When we walked away and glanced behind,
The adorable creatures, followed appearing quite divine,
With laughter and smiles,
Softly saying "we hope to see you again," and their eyes looked as radiant as a child.
Lightning Strikes 323 Norwegian Reindeer
Hunters made the discovery, stealth and urine
dabbed anoraks all for nothing not to mention
a critical downwind approach and camo blend
that rendered Frode and Jørgen or Ove and Anders
invisible against rock and lichen and cloudberry
but offered little protection against thoughts sublime.
Ove, perhaps, cursing God for poor sportsmanship,
the divine equivalent of dynamiting fish, while Anders
gave silent thanks to fortune, a freezer full of steaks.
MY COMPUTER IS INFECTED WITH A VIRUS
FROM SURFING TEEN AGE PORN SITES LATE AT NITE
SOME OF WHAT I'V SEEN, IT LOOKS QUITE NORMAL
WHILE OTHER THINGS THEY JUST DON'T SEEM QUITE RIGHT
I'D JUST STARTED CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
WHEN I LEARNED THAT I'D BEEN HACKED
THERE APPEARED BEFORE ME QUITE THE PHOTO
OF A REINDEER WITH NUDE ELF FOLK ON HER BACK
AS I LOOKED MORE AT THE PHOTO
AND I LOOKED DEEP IN THE TREES
I SAW JUST A HINT OF SCARLETT
THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE MRS. SANTA ON HER KNEES
AS I LOOKED MORE AT THE PICTURE
SHE HAD A LOOK, BUT NOT OF PAIN
AND I SAW WHAT SHE WAS SUCKING
WAS NOT AN ALLANS CANDY CANE!
AS I TRIED TO LEAVE THE WEBSITE
A NEW PHOTO CAME MY WAY
AND I STARED HARD IN AMAZEMENT
THINKING, CORR I NEVER KNEW THAT ELVES COULD BEND THAT WAY
ONE WAS DOING NUDE GYMNASTICS
WITH HER ASS HIGH IN THE AIR
SHE HAD SOMETHING IN HER "OUT" HOLE
AND I THOUGHT, "I DON'T THINK THAT THING BELONGS IN THERE"
SO I SHUT DOWN MY COMPUTER
AND THE SCREEN FADED TO BLACK
I THOUGHT I'D LOST ALL MY FILES
AND THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD TO GET THEM BACK
I'D BE OFF LINE WELL PAST CHRISTMAS
AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SAY
I'D BEEN BURNED BY SURFING PORN SITES
SEEING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SEE ON CHRISTMAS DAY
WHEN MY HEAD DID HIT MY PILLOW
I SWORE FROM PORN SITES I'D REFRAIN
BUT I WOKE UP EARLY THE NEXT MORNING
AND FOUND A HALF SUCKED STICKY CANDY CANE
I COULD NOT HELP BUT WONDER
WHO HAD LEFT IT HERE BESIDE
BUT I KNEW DEEP DOWN IT CAME FROM
SANTA ON HIS ONE NIGHT YEARLY RIDE
WHEN I TURNED ON MY COMPUTER
I KNEW I'D KEEP IT TO MYSELF
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE IT IF I TOLD THEM
OF PORN SITES FULL OF DEER AND NAKED ELVES.