When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...

The darkness can embrace the page a silk sheet of verbal perfection .
Empty streets and   bars cast shadows that cling in mind like some ship long sailed from port.
Why must they see the end and never fight it's truth ?

We find so little compassion a snow storms emotion has left this summer night
vacant as the motels sign.
Drift for a second with me and i'll show you nothing but flawed perfection in return.

Cats in the garbage winos hold court in the parks distant to the .
The child never should know.
Poets speak in smoke filled rooms of nothing more than a broken souls frustration and second
avenue's  false shine a glass charm and a freakshow diamond the ***** a true friend in
times all to often I need.

Whats your sport the streetwalker asks me in such a pure jaded sense.
wash me  pilot hands are clean but thoughts seem to stain walls of the union mission
I love its true sense of decay .

Jack are you still on the road or just lost in big Sur?
Bob can they ever decode the message or just set free in the paint you cast as words?
Poets fools profits and second street saints I feel comfort in madness  for
sanity's annoying plea just takes up my time.

Are we nothing more than junkies?
Slave to page and the veiw's no matter how blind they may be.
A  drunkard  , A clown, And a welcome stranger in many a lost souls view.
Charles I can understand your humor in the utter sense of ***** it all and the crued beauthy i reconize so very well.

And a whiskey laced brother kindred spirts seem to go better with southern bourban to
wash it all down.

Now sweetheart im not saying im any good but im always a goodtime.
We have to be ******* to be anything at all.
They all knew as so do I.

Heros gone were never heros at all.
Im the last of my kind hundred proof deadly with a **** eating grin.
Only through others eyes are we truely seen .
So I ask how's your view?

Admire many only to realize your lost in ego's storm.
Few understand and even less care.
Im always here till im truley gone.

Stay crazy friends and remember it's not to be admired.
For heros always must fall.
A breeze in the summers burning heat like many others.
I'll only leave a soon to be taken vacant seat.

From the boardwalk I cast a view from weather beaten rail.
To ocean erased shore.
In a vision of two lovers often we can't recall.

A time's past in a more forward view.
Im at the end.
A chairs stance and a rope's hold to neck.

Smoke ring's the night's in my failures I've bled my sorrow's
dry.

Saltwater  from eye's a overview from a scrapbook's
hell.
This prison I created harbour's my wall's of minds design.

Like a beggar most choose to ignore.

I wish if only you to care without touch but of spark.
And mother natures soul.

Sand of glass frayed the edges of a weathertorn manuscript
of what never was.

Let me die in memories eternal embrace.
No hand outstreched.
Rejection of existance so often home I've come
to reconize as this  place.

Lati ball dressed for the costume party with relish.
She wanted to look pretty.
She wanted to look mysterious.
So she took a mask from her closet of witches, tied the lace bow around her head.
"My" she said as she stared into the mirror.
She thought 'the men will ask me to dance, the men will forget the rest.'
Lati Ball went to the dance, the mask fit on her face tight.
The people did not reconize her. But she was the best!!
"oh who is this women!" they all cried,
"she walks like an angel, and floats like a swan!"  
She swept around the floor into another land.
The night gew late, Lati Ball had to stop inbetween dances to rest.
Then the clock rang 12 times, and a cake was brought out.
A cake of 12 candles.
Lati Ball wondered whos birthday it could be.
So she hurried to hear.
The hostest of the party laughed and said
"the cake is for you, the cake is for the best! now take this knife and cut some for the rest!"  
But before Lati could cut the cake, she wanted to make a wish!
So she leaned over the cake and said to herself
"i always want to be the Best; Better than the Rest!"
So she blew at the candles.
But the cake was made out of wood, and caught fire.
It burned her face, it burned her mask.
Soon the mask was part of her face,
and she looked like *death.

I can't even reconize myself
I look in the mirror a lot
I stare at my reflection
But I don't reconize it

It is a miracle
That I can identify myself
Inside me I just know
But I look different every time

I don't even know
What I look like
How could you?
How do you say you know me?

Bottles in brown bags clutter along the fence.
the citys inner chambers call to me even now.
The human relics the walking forgotten beaten by life.

The gutters tressures collect the remains
of another misspent night.
The air smells  of treachery a tinge of regret.

Why she huants my  heart a flawless escape.
we can leave but we take that moments sealed  plessure.
Silk encounters hash pavment of a empty embrace.

The old fool who's birthday he relives
only in hope for change.
I celebrate the ignored embracethe strange.

I wonder do young lovers dreams sail
out into that skyline eternal and free.
Or crash into reallitys rocks.
Leaving them jaded and bitter as me?

The bottle the lips you know better
than the once warm flesh.
Would she reconize the monster.
Or see the sad and helpless mess.

Apon the steps a bottle between perfect strangers and new
best friends.
Passed thoughts lost moments.
A busy streetlight on a empty road.

The hopeless and the charmed exist ina strange harmony
of the citys strange and beautiful tune.

I wonder will I ever know you again?
The angel with demonic lust.
Dreams are a blessing the curse is
only to pretend.

Farwell midnight hello darkness
dusk and sunsets of a yerning heart.
Apon that bench by the the water.
Watching the paper lanterns glow.
As in lost souls they so peacefully depart.

It's only in the hours when it where's off i realize it's leaving me.
I cling but the spark is gone.
Im inspired more by destrution than words.

Your reading the next.
And as you grasp what I say can you fathom what I dont?
Is it so hard to reconize a ending?

Are the bad jokes far from my real truths?
Have I found my edge  or just slipped over it?
Part of us has to understand it will fade sooner for some than others.

From thought to papper it's a dangerous road travelled .
and often there's no clear direction.
Ive burnt out my senses now im wasted in excess.

A victim of my own wreckless reason.
It's always there in the sense of a final chapters twisted close.
Im a empty lot in the winter.

A cliffnote to a once well read book.
Now just fodder for few still brave enough
to walk along the overgrown path.

Addiction is something  you can hide from few
let alone yourself.
I hope the mind can create a final chapter.
But my thoughts seem bent on a open ending.

Why do you allways sing?
I asked half asleep and watching as he shined polished or cleaned
some mechanical car part I did not reconize
or really care about,
I mostley focosed on the tone of  his voeis as he slerd the words to
turn the page
he looked up at me with only his blue eye
why do I sing? Why, does it bother you?
I did know what to say becuz I did not know if it botherd me
so I just pushed it off with a fake smile
so what was with you yesterday?
I rolled my eyes, I did not want to talk about this or anything...
But he did not stop
huh? Did I do something wrong?
I laught and for a minute it felth like it might be a natural feeling
but he did not do anything wrong he can't if he tryd
and now I know his singing does not bother me
it brings me to life....

What once was can never be.
Drinks togather like laughter are but memories cast over life's endless sea.
Ive drown in sorrows some past.
Strangers now we are  so traggic what it was never was to last.

Ive crept under your radar to be taken in heart underneath the name of another.
Passion remains within embrace no matter the face the lover.
As miles past change us us.
Switch the pace from a steady race now such a struggle to crawl.

Can you reconize the voice minus the name.
Look beyond the lights see the person beyond the often over thought fame.


Im one with name of two.
Although you've looked past me.
Never would I ever forget you.

I close my eyes and pray. I hope we see the day,
That all this **** wastes away.
I try to contemplate the same reason I stayed. Hoping not to be afraid.
We empty the soil of our lifeless graves. And still we're the still the same.
Yeah, I know we've had enough.
Oppressors with handcuffs,
Professors that ****** us and the school system that kills us.
I realize that this corruption always was.
But now in this time all the lifeless cries are adding up.
Unarmed. And dead.
The trauma in our heads, The damage said.
TRAYVON MARTIN Walking home when Zimmerman shot him.
KEITH SCOTT Sitting in car, reading.
Shot and killed, bleeding,
ATATIANA JEFFERSON Looking out her window,
Shot by police who was supposed to be protecting her though
JORDAN EDWARDS Riding in a car.
Shot in the head by police went way too far
JONATHAN FERRELL Asking for help after auto accident. Shot twelve times by police,
Facts I can't stand. This should not be our reality
STEPHON CLARK Holdng a cellphone.Things you can't condone.
Shot 8 times It is a extreme crime. Officers not charged. a unjustice at large.
AMADOU DIALLO While taking out wallet, screamed stop it.
Four officers fired 41 shots,  another death added to the profit
RENISHA MCBRIDE Auto accident, This **** I can't stand.
Knocked on door for help. Another perceived racist added to the shelf
Homeowner was found guilty of second-degree ******.
You can't change the past just know how he hurt her
TAMIR RICE Playing with toy gun, no justice for someone's son
Shot and killed by police officer arriving on scene.
Yeah you may not believe it. but it happened see it
SEAN BELL Hosting a bachelor party, this is our reality
50 rounds fired by police officers, who were found not guilty.
Another sin you don't see
WALTER SCOTT Pulled over for brake light,
Shot in the back by police officer who lost his mind.
Another unjust on civil rights
PHILANDO CASTILE Pulled over in car, this went too far.
Told officer he had a legally registered weapon in car.
Shot and killed. No justice instilled
AIYANA JONES  Sleeping, shot and killed by officer in a raid on the wrong apartment.
Justice has lost it. Officer cleared of all charges.
TERRENCE CRUTCHER Disabled vehicle, another death of the people.
Shot and killed. No way to heal
ALTON STERLING Selling CDs, shot at close range while being arrested.
No justice. We can't make sense of this
FREDDIE GRAY Beaten to death while in police custody.
Another way of the oppressed, can't you see
JOHN CRAWFORD Shopping at WalMart,  where are our hearts
shot and killed for holding a BB gun on sale,
Again no justice and sin prevailed
OSCAR GRANT Handcuffed and face-down, officer shot him in the back.
Not even carrying a strap. sadness in its wraps
AHMAUD AUBREY Jogging, Heart stopping just cause of perceived injustice.
Jaw dropping but it doesn't end there
GEORGE FLOYD. Killed by officer who made sin his choice
Hate we can't avoid but one thing we can deploy is the truth.
That these are people too.
Say their names and reconize the pain

My voice parted by thunder,
which cuts through sky,
insdie the storm, in grief craving eye.
Heartbeats sleeps into the depths of my tears,
broken grounds, ruptured mind from our fears,
Left in silence, spoke to me nevermore,
in this neverending winter, pain is the only thing I wore.

I speak self agression,
cutting parts of my immolation,
we are all far from perfection,
but only I, can't resist to the burning temptation.

In my hands pills with many names,
but none of them I can't reconize,
drink water, wash them all down,
just another step away from paradise.

But I must...

I reconize agony
But it's not the same.
Its worse.
As I read her nightmare facebook post,
My eyes flood with empathetic tears.
My spirit flutters and hides somewhere.
My heart mourns her unspeakable tragedy.
Wishing to go numb.
My mind races in a panic,
Begging me to not visit my horror again.
It knows it won't survive this time.
Maybe not, but I must...
I can not be still, say nothing
Leaving her to feel so alone, broken and angry.
Grief is a hungry quicksand
That dovours most.
I have walked through my own personal hell
And barely survived it.
My scars were never meant to be hidden.
So reach out I must...
Lord please hold this dear sweet mama close.
And never let her go



L. Mack
8/11/18

IN the mist of life love and lesson god places people in places things in our path to test patience
heed its upon us to take and reconize the sings never second guess the time you've invested
move forward it's part of life love; protest it the right direction
lesson menifest into meny expression from the very minute one get trapped into that second lesson become there opponent
face with everthing taking notes maintainning rewardly staying afloat
it's best for life love and lesson that's in session for future investments
see the real ,you can joke self never know god may sent that here
the world rotates that we have faith hold not halt or for get
all the practices teaching
preparation planning for this very minute second hours days years something one feared.. it's Right now.. Right here taking center stage yeah that life love oh yes lessons
that fear no time for rest, it's now; right now... right here...

Despedida
Friend I am not
Looking forward
To say despedida
From you
Yes I always get sad
When I  have to say
Despedida to my friend
Friend I must say
That I hate also
To say despedida to
You
I know that you are
A lot older than me
And also you lived
A long life here on
Earth
Now you no longer
Can walk anymore
Or reconize me
Anymore
Because you
Have some dementia
Also, it is very sad
That you are ending up
That way
I never wished you would
End up with dementia
I had been in your life
For a long time
And also we had been
God friends for a lifetime
Friend now my father
Had shut your
Body down
And now is time for you
To die
Friend, I must say
That I will miss having you
Around here on earth
Also the angel my father
Had sent down from heaven
To take you to heaven
There in heaven you
Will live a second life
That my father made for you
I also know that
You are not going to suffer anymore
The way you had suffered with
You dementia
My friend, I will be praying for you
Every single day

Tried to be self medicated, found myself not motivated. Look I have no idea what I've created. No way of understanding, use to feel outstanding. I don't reconize that man, grab my hand. Take me to a safe place. Tear drops and alcohol running down my face. Heart pounding I think I need a relief. Something that cuts deep. This is something I try to get use to. The disappearance of humanity gave me some kind of anxiety. Wish this wasn't consuming me. The never ending feeling of pressure when I ugly cry. Next thing you know I wake up to the sunlight from the sky. What the hell happened to me?
Where is my help, suffering alone with mental health. I've got no room and I feel as if it's all rushing me.

I'm not a alcoholic when I'm in control, I swear I'm not even vulnerable. Why reconize my flaws? Anyone see my success at all? I admit taking time off was kind of a bad reputation. But I'm not going to bail out of the situation. Recognizing flaws a achievement everyone has. I'm a just stay focused and work on me, not leaving messages subliminally. Just a little mental war, but I'm fine. I've got work, I've got a roof. About to show off my worth. I'll work, I'll also be a call away. I'm always down to make someones day. That's just how I am, y'all say things you don't understand. Reconizing flaws... thank you for noticing that. Here's my stop, I'm a work that overtime and show you the mountain top. Isn't the view great?