I wrote this while waiting my turn at Baragwanath Hospital...it suddenly came to me, that I had been speaking to these wonderful ladies at **** Crisis Scotland nearly every day before I came here and started to heal. Im forever, and ever...grateful ***
"While I wait…"
Today I was thinking,
I had so much time,
Waiting for hours and hours,
Patiently in line
Apprehensive, nervous,
Yet somewhat assured,
I let my mind wander,
Back and back it was lured
Im out of my body,
Now an empty shell,
Going back to the past,
Going back to …hell
It feels dangerous,
Thinking back,
I feel so vulnerable,
It hurts to look back
But here I am,
Waiting in line,
A different person,
To look back, it is time
But who was I?
What was going on?
The fear, the shame,
I had almost no one
Its darkness and pain,
Unbearable pain,
Not trusting anyone,
Even myself, never again
I was something else,
Torture, torture, torture,
Hating myself,
Was I a murderer?
The panic, the fear,
Not knowing myself,
Not knowing inside,
Wanting to **** myself
All of this now
Seems so much worse,
As im getting better,
Im learning to trust
The pain in my stomach,
Thinking back to that time,
Stuck in my house,
Completely out of my mind
Time had stopped,
But I still had to live,
Existing was painful,
It was a nightmare to live
I don’t recognise myself,
Don't know who I was,
But the feelings are still with me,
More traumatic than all else
My blades were my friends,
Taking the pain each day,
Numbing my mind,
Allowing it to “go away”
Cut cut cut,
Every day,
I look at my scars now,
I’ve had to explain
Back there I was me,
But I was totally lost,
Like living a virtual reality,
So totally totally lost
An empty shell,
Yet shaky and trembling,
Wanting to die,
For being a burden
Suddenly
Im lost for words,
Just feeling feelings,
Its too much for words
There was nothing left of me,
Now that I know,
And knowing causes me pain,
How could I have got so low?
I can’t stop the tears,
The confusion, the fog,
Was so intense,
Not knowing who I was
The daymares,
The nightmares,
People grabbing me,
People hurting me
I look at my arm,
I look at my legs,
Nowhere is my body spared,
Apart from my face
I felt *****,
Ashamed,
A burden,
On Society
I disgusted myself,
Yet not knowing why,
Even for calling the helpline,
I felt I should die
Its much like a fog,
Feeling my way through,
Occasionally bumping into things,
My mind says “thats you”
I was so very sick,
I only know now,
Just thinking how sick I was
Makes me physically ill now
It wasn’t me,
Id gone somewhere,
The pain too much,
And the shame, to bear
I break down now
When I describe these times,
I was in contact with people,
Begging them to take my life
It still comes back now,
Triggers, so im told,
I beat myself up,
Hit my head on the wall
It can be overwhelming
When it comes back,
Whether its the ****,
Or just the cruelty I faced
People were cruel,
So so cruel,
They hurt me so deeply,
That I thought I was cruel
I think back to times
I was abused by police,
I was abused by doctors,
In fact, all authorities
They just hurt me more,
They put me through hell,
The pain they caused me,
Left a story to tell
They were cold, suspicious,
Filling me with shame,
Making me believe,
That I was to blame
They traumatised me more,
More than ever before,
Or perhaps I should say torture,
I felt ashamed to my core
So much I could write,
But im struggling for words,
They hurt me, they did this,
Now I realise their curse
I cannot forgive them,
I cannot go back,
Here life's a struggle,
But my trust is coming back
I feel sad for time wasted,
Knowing Pamela would help me,
It pains me now to think
How I just could not let her help me
She believed in me,
Was ready to listen,
She understood,
Even spoke to the policeman
But I always feared
Asking for help,
For I was a burden,
Perhaps id feel worse getting help
They put this in my mind,
….a burden on society,
Dealing with the **** was one thing,
But this was a different story
Pamela tried so hard,
She took me to get help,
But it never materialised,
Instead, I totally lost hope
The days were long,
The nights were longer,
The man in my house,
Or is it my mother?
I didn’t want to exist,
I blocked out my life,
Then remembered what I didn’t want to,
My brain attacking me like a knife
There was no hope,
People are so cruel,
Do they enjoy it?
Watching people become ill?
I didn’t know how sick I was
Until I started getting better,
Im in a better place now,
But with a past full of horror
Its been a long time,
I think it had to be,
For me to find myself,
And to feel free
Now is the time,
Looking back on my life,
There were people, a helpline,
That physically saved my life
Although I was confused,
Not allowing myself to believe,
They told me again and again,
The one thing they did was believe
A have so much respect,
A deep connection too,
To these selfless women,
Who give up their time, for you
There wasn’t much you could do,
But you did everything and more,
You never gave up on me,
As I sat glued to the floor
Im healing slowly,
Reclaiming my life,
But I want to thank you ladies,
You did save my life
I appreciate everything you did so deeply it brings me to tears, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. .
Im new
