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KCibot Jul 13
H E L E N A Feb 25
I've been still,
Caught in a sweet stasis,
Buried under the same, baseless
Candied gags, slippery hags, body bags ー
But I can't go back.
Haven't moved forward either,
So I still sit silent here.
Maybe I'll someday wither ー

Like dandelions as they scatter in the wind,
I will feel no more the weight of societal sins.
Staying awake in anticipation;
That feeling you get when you see a road blocked
and a wrecked car hoping it was an accident
Eventful; excitement to see that tar black
Crimson on tarmac
and those trampled, broken-pretty shells ー

I want to be a doll.
A pretty hollow pale porcelain
you still can't hurt when I slip through your hands,
Or when you let go and drop me,
Or smash me into the ground ー
It's all the same, isn't it?
You buy, bore, break, blame, build, rebuild
Rebreak, reblame, replace...

I remake real-fake love into stanza-sized stories
Just to rebrand them as poetry;
A molded part to inspire some abstract art.
They're better off that way,
Locked in and stationary;
Sweet standstill sanctuary.
And I'll stay to watch their models fail and break,
As they too, disintegrate ー fellow ******* degenerates

This time I was at your disposal,
But we're all just glorified disposables ー
Ever-hungry, hedonistic at heart.
Excuse her language.

OnwardFlame Jul 1
The air in Chicago feels tight
The insects that hum don't echo all around
The sun goes in and out
In a hazy can't quite tan you way
The concrete jungle
And the coach house I reside in
Aren't quite what I'd treasure
But whats the point in
Doting on the have nots.

We go on into what will in time be
Year 5
Sometimes I feel a streak of such boredom
Some things have changed
And so do I.

New playmate time
I think that would be good
But I can only give so much.

I tally off what my world looks like
I hide in the crevices of the fear of
And yet feel beat down
By the lack of companionship
Fun even.

I try to rest
I try to find peace in the solitude I've chosen
And in the work focused relationships
I've painstakingly built
Among the brick
I've carefully woven
And set
All around the aisles
Of the Chicago winter, fall, spring,

I forgive and release
The other lives I have lived
And realized I cannot reside perfectly
In them all at once
All the time
And there should not have to be any convincing
Any obtuse explaining
Any doubt
That my sincerity is genuine
And if a questionary evil haste
Is met my way
That I can just let it slip away
Even if I feel the urge to fight
It is gone.

I know I can't and won't
Live here a whole lot longer
But I keep perspective
Time feels long.

I deleted a bunch of old
Stupid Instagram pictures
And wished I could hire someone
To rebrand me
Clean me up
Make me new again.

It is time for sleep now
Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me
And I'm just inbetween therapists
Starting a new job
Feeding off of little pointed moments of
The fleeting validation
I get from scattered bits and pieces
In this deeply courageous
And at times deeply fulfilling
Also yet discomforting life
I've built around me
And mine.

Summer time
The time to work
The time to rest
The time to start again
And let go of the past.

— The End —