CHAPTER ONE: THE DEMISE OF A YOUNG GIRL SEPTEMBER 1975


I had not seen my father in over two years when he showed up at my mom and step dad's condo. He had a slick knack of disappearing when laws were broken and he was wanted for questioning. He had an even better ability to re-enter when the heat was off.

My father owned three nightclubs in Oklahoma City. His first was the Silver Sword, and then he opened The Red Slipper. After he met his second wife, they together, opened the Jade Club.

All were successful, but the Red Slipper had a reputation. On a rare occasion, my dad would take me with him to open up the place. At first, it scared me. It was so dark in there. But as the lights came on behind the bar, I fell in love with the atmosphere.

Bobby Orr’s hockey stick hung on the wall, along with an endearing note from F. Lee Bailey. At six years old, all I knew was that they were the objects that made my dad beam.

I learned to play pool by standing on a phone book. I watched the colorful smacking ***** bounce around the most beautiful color of green I had ever seen. Chalking the stick was a chore, but after nearly poking my eye out once, I soon caught on.

It was a struggle to climb up on a barstool, but it was worth the effort. I sat at the bar and had lunch: popcorn, pretzels, peanuts and Pepsi.

As I grew older, I saw less and less of him, until he became a stranger, drifting in every once in awhile.  Every few weeks or so, I would come home from school, and see his car in the driveway.

This always shot fear and excitement through me. The air of unpredictability always made me want to ***. Unfortunately, most of the time, we were locked out of the house for a few hours, so I would have to *** in the back yard or at the neighbors. We waited on the stairs for the front door to open. And it always did, by my mom. She usually looked satisfied and serene but other times, I saw dread and sadness on her face.

Ever since I could remember, my dad had been a string of disappointments for me with a few indescribable moments of pure enjoyment mixed in between He could be kind, funny and like a real dad sometimes, that was the dad I missed. I tried to hold onto those experiences, even though he was such a mean ******* most of the time. But mostly, I just didn't know him.

Their divorce became final around the summer of 1972, but that didn't stop my mom from loving him. I don't know why, but she chased him frequently, going out to bars with her friends, trying to get a glimpse of him, and maybe more.

The last time I’d seen my father had not been pleasant. When I was thirteen, he broke down the door to our apartment and went straight to my mother’s bedroom. The noises were terrifying. The screaming, and punching sounds were followed by my mother’s whimpering, begging, groveling.

"How dare you do this to me, Patsy!? And behind my back! You could have at least told me!"

My dad had bailed himself out of jail that night. She promised him she would never seek alimony or child support again. Her lawyer was wrong. It wasn’t worth getting killed over.  

Shortly after, he had to leave the state. It had something to do with a low-level mob deal involving an insurance fraud. Too bad, it involved burning a building with someone in it. My dad became nothing but a memory, which faded away over time.

**

Alcohol and tobacco were constants in my family, so when my older brother, Tim, started smoking at ten years old, I don't remember much protest from anyone. I was seven and when my sister Abby, turned ten the next year, she also started smoking.  All the older kids were smoking cigarettes. I wanted to be cool, so I puked and coughed as I practiced. By the time I was ten, I too, was inhaling properly.  Around that time, I was introduced to *** by my sister's boyfriend. It did help my mood, somewhat, but it wasn't enough.

By 1974, I was using drugs from my sister’s boyfriend. John was a true drugstore cowboy. At first, he committed burglaries, which were easy at the time. There were no sophisticated electronics to stop someone from cutting a hole in the roof of a pharmacy. It took only minutes to pry open the safe that contained the narcotics. Then it took maybe another minute to fill a pillowcase full of every variety of amphetamines, barbiturates, valiums, etc.

It wasn’t long before I graduated to using morphine, ******* and then overdosed on Demerol. My stepfather sent me to a treatment facility in Tulsa Oklahoma, about one hundred miles away from Oklahoma City. The Dillon treatment center didn’t accept clients under age of sixteen but made an exception with me. I was a walking-talking disastrous miracle...or a miraculously saved disaster.

They figured that since I was fourteen, the sooner the better to start my road to recovery. Apparently, they didn’t condone sneaking *** and valiums in to the facility. I was kicked out of Dillon after about a month.

I came back home and laid low. I went back to Hefner Jr. High and enrolled back into the ninth grade. I quietly picked up where I left off, going back into business with John. My job was to sell the safe stuff; valiums, seconols, white bennies, ***, etc.


Summer came; I turned fifteen and had developed a tendency to over test my wares. I overdosed and nearly died in the hospital several times, which had led to my current predicament. Nobody knew what to do with me.

In August, I entered the tenth grade...for two weeks. I was expelled, (you guessed it) for dealing drugs. I was on homebound teaching twice a week with little supervision. My mother worked, my step-dad, **** ,worked, and I was home all day. However, I was not just sitting idly around. I was into enterprise.

**

In September, I overdosed again. I was quickly killing myself and my mother didn’t know what to do to stop it. That is why what happened was not my mother’s fault. But it wasn’t my fault either.

I never figured out how he knew where we lived. My mother moved over at least fourteen times in between the time I was six and twelve years old. Yet, here he was, at our front door, with his undeniable ‘ah shucks’ charm. His modesty was convincing. His timing was incredible. My mother stood frozen, her mouth agape. **** took the lead. He placed himself between my mother and father.

“You must be Gary Don, my name is ****; I’m Patsy’s husband." **** had never met my dad, but he'd heard enough about him to surmise who was standing at the door.

"Um, yeah, I'm Gary Don, it's nice to meet you ****", he said; as he offered a friendly hand shake to ****.

"I hope I'm not interrupting you, I was just in Duncan with my parents and they suggested I stop by and talk with you before heading back west. It's about Susie....

"Yes, Patsy said you called yesterday. We weren't expecting you this soon, but it's no problem. Why don't you come in and tell us what your plans are? Patsy, honey, would you mind putting on a *** of coffee?”

This unfroze my mother and she scurried to the kitchen. I was still in shock at seeing my dad’s face. I retreated to the staircase, but poked my head around and caught him glance at me. I flew up to the landing. I could easily escape up the rest of the stairs to my bedroom.
I was small enough to remain hidden on the landing, and heard the conversation between my mother, my dad and ****. **** was the classiest, most even-tempered adult I had ever encountered. I wished I could stop hurting him and my mother.  

My mother sat down two cups of coffee on the dining room table where my dad and **** sat. As she retreated a few steps back into the kitchen, **** politely probed my dad. My dad had the right answer for every question.

He swore he was a completely different person. He had changed. He had no hard feelings, instead he was back to help. He was remorseful for being an absent father and he wanted to make things right. He was back for a reason. He had heard that I was in trouble with drugs and school and he felt guilty for that. He had the answer to my problems. He was so convincing, so….humble, almost shy.

As I listened, I began freaking out with fear and excitement. I always wanted my dad. The last time I tried to live with him, it didn’t work out; he sent me back to my mother’s after a month. Now my dad wanted me! He wanted to save me, take care of me!

He lived by himself now. He was the manager of The Palace Restaurant/Hotel in the little town of Raton, New Mexico. It was a refurbished hotel, built over a century ago The ground floor was an elegant bar and restaurant. He was making very good money, he paid no rent and he had an extra room for me.

With a population of 6000, it was not a place to continue a lucrative drug business. Also, he would enroll me into the little high school and I could get my diploma. I could work in the restaurant in the evenings where he would keep his eye on me. Then, there was the horse. He would buy me a horse. And on and on and on.

The logic and sincerity of his argument was convincing. So there it was. An hour later, my bags were packed. I was going to live with my father in New Mexico.

That’s how in September 1975, my father whisked me away from my home in Oklahoma City, under the guise of saving me from my own demise. I was stolen and held captive in Raton, New Mexico for what seemed like forever.

My dog, Baron was coming with me, I refused to go anywhere without him. He was a tiny black and tan Dachshund. I got him free when I was fourteen, when I got back from Tulsa. To me, he was priceless. He was my best friend. He couldn’t have weighed more than ten pounds, but his heart was huge.

I talked to him about everything and he consoled me by nodding, and licking me on the cheek non-stop…or he would admonish me through his expressions and demeanor. I had lived with Dachshunds since I was seven, so understood their language pretty well. Baron understood humans better. We developed a rare communication that worked well for both of us.
Herman, our older dachshund had greeted my dad cordially. Baron couldn’t figure this out, he expressed his apprehension. He looked at me and conveyed,

“Well, if Herman isn’t worried, I guess it’ll be Okay, right? Right, Susan?”

I was sorry I didn’t have an honest answer. I did my best to settle him.

“Sure, this’ll be fun, a whole new adventure!”

As we drove West, toward the Texas panhandle, Baron kept the conversation going by his curious interest expressed by wide eyes and attentive ears. My dad amazed him with his knowledge of history, geography, geology, astronomy, world geo-politics, weather, music on the radio, literature, mechanics, religion and countless other topics. I knew he was faking his fascination with my dad. He knew he was doing me a favor.

There was not a dead moment in the air. An occasional “really?” expressed by me was enough to keep my dad’s mouth running. I was thankful for that. It kept my attention away from my jangle of emotions. As we drove through the night, I was conflicted, scared, excited, happy and worried. I didn’t know where I was going, or who was driving me there.

My dad’s jovial demeanor comforted me. He made The Palace sound like the perfect place for his little princess.

When we arrived, it was late, after 10pm., Baron was exhausted. I stood on the corner and looked up. I gulped. The three-story building was like an old gothic castle. It was a huge rectangle with the front corner cut back with a fifth wall about ten feet wide. This provided the entrance with two giant oak doors. Baron was less than enthused by its foreboding appearance. I had to agree.

Dad ignored my hesitation. “Come on, you’re going to love this place!”

He pulled open one of the oak doors, which had to weigh at least five hundred pounds. I was hesitant, but thirsty. Baron’s squirming had started to annoy me. I went forward filled with adrenalin.

The initial entrance was a small round foyer with a domed ceiling of cut glass. It was about six feet round. As I stared up at the beautiful little pieces of color, I heard my dad chuckle.

“See? I told you, there’s no place like this!”

Then I saw the true entry to the bar, a set of small bat winged doors that swung back and forth. He pulled one of the doors back, beckoning me forward. He looked down at me with a tender expression.

“Welcome home, honey, this is home now.”

As we entered the bar, I was dumbstruck. Baron was not. I stepped back in time, to 1896, into The Palace Hotel.

The bar took up half of the first floor of the hotel. It was the most captivating centerpiece of the establishment. The mirror behind the bar was the longest continuous piece of reflection glass in all the states, the brochure proclaimed. A brass foot rail extended the length of the long cherry oak bar A few feet behind was a waist high railing just like the saloons in old John Wayne movies.

The carpet was a deep royal red interlaced with black swirly patterns. Bright golden paper covered the walls. It was smooth and shiny with raised curly designs made out of felt or maybe even velour. God, I just wanted to reach over and run my fingers across it!  

The wall opposite the bar had windows that were quizzically narrow and impossibly tall. Lush maroon velvet drapes adorned them, parted in the center to provide a view of the quaint town just beyond the sidewalk.

I looked up at the ornate ceiling, which seemed a mile above me. It was covered with tiles of little angels that all looked the same, yet different. The angels danced across the entire ceiling until it curved and met the wall. I got dizzy looking at them.

“You can’t find ceiling tiles like that anywhere! My dad grinned. “They’re covered in pure gold leaf!”

I didn’t know what pure gold leaf was, but the word ‘gold’ impressed me very much.

He introduced me to the staff. I l blushed when he said; “This is Susie, my favorite little girl!” I had never heard that before. The whole crew greeted me warmly, all smiles and friendliness.  

I always paid attention when Baron got nervous but I chose to ignore him. I jostled him in my arms. My stern look at him stopped his squiggling, but his look back conveyed that I was clueless.

I, however thought, Okay, I have died and gone to Heaven! I was enchanted. My fascination with this magical setting made me feel happy; I was in the neatest place I had ever seen. I’m going to love it here!

On the first night, my dad led me around the ground floor. The restaurant was as elegant as the bar. To the rear of the restaurant, there was a large commercial kitchen. Off the rear of the kitchen, he showed, me a short hallway to the back exit. To the right, a huge staircase led to the two upper floors of dilapidated hotel rooms. A manager’s apartment had been converted from several hotel rooms connected together on the second floor, just above the entrance to the hotel.

We ended up back in the bar and sat at a table for two. Crystal, the head bartender stayed on for a little while longer after the rest of the staff were allowed to go home.

Sitting at the table, he ordered Harvey’s Bristol Cream Sherry. I had never had Cream Sherry before, but it tasted like candy with nuts and I had no problem going through numerous rounds in a very short time. I was hungry but I was too nervous to eat.

Baron, however, was ravenous. My dad fed him little pieces filet mignon and French bread with real butter. He played cute for my dad, sitting up and begging. He jumped up, putting his paws on my dad’s leg, wagging his tail like crazy.

I was a little befuddled until I caught his sideways glance that said, “I do not like this guy, but I gotta eat, I’m starving. You’re the one falling into his into his trap, not me.”

Ouch. “Baron, sometimes I wish you would shut the hell up.”

After having his fill, he settled into a wary sleep on top of my feet. I never worried about losing Baron. Where I went, he went, period.

I wasn’t aware when the bartender left. The bottle was on the table before I knew it; he kept my glass full. I was five feet tall and weighed 106 pounds. I had a lethal level of alcohol pulsing threw my entire body…and I had my daddy.

I was in a haze. Actually, it was more of a daze than a haze. My vision was

CHAPTER ONE: THE DEMISE OF A YOUNG GIRL SEPTEMBER 1975


I had not seen my father in over two years when he showed up at my mom and step dad's condo. He had a slick knack of disappearing when laws were broken and he was wanted for questioning. He had an even better ability to re-enter when the heat was off.

My father owned three nightclubs in Oklahoma City. His first was the Silver Sword, and then he opened The Red Slipper. After he met his second wife, they together, opened the Jade Club.

All were successful, but the Red Slipper had a reputation. On a rare occasion, my dad would take me with him to open up the place. At first, it scared me. It was so dark in there. But as the lights came on behind the bar, I fell in love with the atmosphere.

Bobby Orr’s hockey stick hung on the wall, along with an endearing note from F. Lee Bailey. At six years old, all I knew was that they were the objects that made my dad beam.

I learned to play pool by standing on a phone book. I watched the colorful smacking ***** bounce around the most beautiful color of green I had ever seen. Chalking the stick was a chore, but after nearly poking my eye out once, I soon caught on.

It was a struggle to climb up on a barstool, but it was worth the effort. I sat at the bar and had lunch: popcorn, pretzels, peanuts and Pepsi.

As I grew older, I saw less and less of him, until he became a stranger, drifting in every once in awhile.  Every few weeks or so, I would come home from school, and see his car in the driveway.

This always shot fear and excitement through me. The air of unpredictability always made me want to ***. Unfortunately, most of the time, we were locked out of the house for a few hours, so I would have to *** in the back yard or at the neighbors. We waited on the stairs for the front door to open. And it always did, by my mom. She usually looked satisfied and serene but other times, I saw dread and sadness on her face.

Ever since I could remember, my dad had been a string of disappointments for me with a few indescribable moments of pure enjoyment mixed in between He could be kind, funny and like a real dad sometimes, that was the dad I missed. I tried to hold onto those experiences, even though he was such a mean ******* most of the time. But mostly, I just didn't know him.

Their divorce became final around the summer of 1972, but that didn't stop my mom from loving him. I don't know why, but she chased him frequently, going out to bars with her friends, trying to get a glimpse of him, and maybe more.

The last time I’d seen my father had not been pleasant. When I was thirteen, he broke down the door to our apartment and went straight to my mother’s bedroom. The noises were terrifying. The screaming, and punching sounds were followed by my mother’s whimpering, begging, groveling.

"How dare you do this to me, Patsy!? And behind my back! You could have at least told me!"

My dad had bailed himself out of jail that night. She promised him she would never seek alimony or child support again. Her lawyer was wrong. It wasn’t worth getting killed over.  

Shortly after, he had to leave the state. It had something to do with a low-level mob deal involving an insurance fraud. Too bad, it involved burning a building with someone in it. My dad became nothing but a memory, which faded away over time.

**

Alcohol and tobacco were constants in my family, so when my older brother, Tim, started smoking at ten years old, I don't remember much protest from anyone. I was seven and when my sister Abby, turned ten the next year, she also started smoking.  All the older kids were smoking cigarettes. I wanted to be cool, so I puked and coughed as I practiced. By the time I was ten, I too, was inhaling properly.  Around that time, I was introduced to *** by my sister's boyfriend. It did help my mood, somewhat, but it wasn't enough.

By 1974, I was using drugs from my sister’s boyfriend. John was a true drugstore cowboy. At first, he committed burglaries, which were easy at the time. There were no sophisticated electronics to stop someone from cutting a hole in the roof of a pharmacy. It took only minutes to pry open the safe that contained the narcotics. Then it took maybe another minute to fill a pillowcase full of every variety of amphetamines, barbiturates, valiums, etc.

It wasn’t long before I graduated to using morphine, ******* and then overdosed on Demerol. My stepfather sent me to a treatment facility in Tulsa Oklahoma, about one hundred miles away from Oklahoma City. The Dillon treatment center didn’t accept clients under age of sixteen but made an exception with me. I was a walking-talking disastrous miracle...or a miraculously saved disaster.

They figured that since I was fourteen, the sooner the better to start my road to recovery. Apparently, they didn’t condone sneaking *** and valiums in to the facility. I was kicked out of Dillon after about a month.

I came back home and laid low. I went back to Hefner Jr. High and enrolled back into the ninth grade. I quietly picked up where I left off, going back into business with John. My job was to sell the safe stuff; valiums, seconols, white bennies, ***, etc.


Summer came; I turned fifteen and had developed a tendency to over test my wares. I overdosed and nearly died in the hospital several times, which had led to my current predicament. Nobody knew what to do with me.

In August, I entered the tenth grade...for two weeks. I was expelled, (you guessed it) for dealing drugs. I was on homebound teaching twice a week with little supervision. My mother worked, my step-dad, **** ,worked, and I was home all day. However, I was not just sitting idly around. I was into enterprise.

**

In September, I overdosed again. I was quickly killing myself and my mother didn’t know what to do to stop it. That is why what happened was not my mother’s fault. But it wasn’t my fault either.

I never figured out how he knew where we lived. My mother moved over at least fourteen times in between the time I was six and twelve years old. Yet, here he was, at our front door, with his undeniable ‘ah shucks’ charm. His modesty was convincing. His timing was incredible. My mother stood frozen, her mouth agape. **** took the lead. He placed himself between my mother and father.

“You must be Gary Don, my name is ****; I’m Patsy’s husband." **** had never met my dad, but he'd heard enough about him to surmise who was standing at the door.

"Um, yeah, I'm Gary Don, it's nice to meet you ****", he said; as he offered a friendly hand shake to ****.

"I hope I'm not interrupting you, I was just in Duncan with my parents and they suggested I stop by and talk with you before heading back west. It's about Susie....

"Yes, Patsy said you called yesterday. We weren't expecting you this soon, but it's no problem. Why don't you come in and tell us what your plans are? Patsy, honey, would you mind putting on a *** of coffee?”

This unfroze my mother and she scurried to the kitchen. I was still in shock at seeing my dad’s face. I retreated to the staircase, but poked my head around and caught him glance at me. I flew up to the landing. I could easily escape up the rest of the stairs to my bedroom.
I was small enough to remain hidden on the landing, and heard the conversation between my mother, my dad and ****. **** was the classiest, most even-tempered adult I had ever encountered. I wished I could stop hurting him and my mother.  

My mother sat down two cups of coffee on the dining room table where my dad and **** sat. As she retreated a few steps back into the kitchen, **** politely probed my dad. My dad had the right answer for every question.

He swore he was a completely different person. He had changed. He had no hard feelings, instead he was back to help. He was remorseful for being an absent father and he wanted to make things right. He was back for a reason. He had heard that I was in trouble with drugs and school and he felt guilty for that. He had the answer to my problems. He was so convincing, so….humble, almost shy.

As I listened, I began freaking out with fear and excitement. I always wanted my dad. The last time I tried to live with him, it didn’t work out; he sent me back to my mother’s after a month. Now my dad wanted me! He wanted to save me, take care of me!

He lived by himself now. He was the manager of The Palace Restaurant/Hotel in the little town of Raton, New Mexico. It was a refurbished hotel, built over a century ago The ground floor was an elegant bar and restaurant. He was making very good money, he paid no rent and he had an extra room for me.

With a population of 6000, it was not a place to continue a lucrative drug business. Also, he would enroll me into the little high school and I could get my diploma. I could work in the restaurant in the evenings where he would keep his eye on me. Then, there was the horse. He would buy me a horse. And on and on and on.

The logic and sincerity of his argument was convincing. So there it was. An hour later, my bags were packed. I was going to live with my father in New Mexico.

That’s how in September 1975, my father whisked me away from my home in Oklahoma City, under the guise of saving me from my own demise. I was stolen and held captive in Raton, New Mexico for what seemed like forever.

My dog, Baron was coming with me, I refused to go anywhere without him. He was a tiny black and tan Dachshund. I got him free when I was fourteen, when I got back from Tulsa. To me, he was priceless. He was my best friend. He couldn’t have weighed more than ten pounds, but his heart was huge.

I talked to him about everything and he consoled me by nodding, and licking me on the cheek non-stop…or he would admonish me through his expressions and demeanor. I had lived with Dachshunds since I was seven, so understood their language pretty well. Baron understood humans better. We developed a rare communication that worked well for both of us.
Herman, our older dachshund had greeted my dad cordially. Baron couldn’t figure this out, he expressed his apprehension. He looked at me and conveyed,

“Well, if Herman isn’t worried, I guess it’ll be Okay, right? Right, Susan?”

I was sorry I didn’t have an honest answer. I did my best to settle him.

“Sure, this’ll be fun, a whole new adventure!”

As we drove West, toward the Texas panhandle, Baron kept the conversation going by his curious interest expressed by wide eyes and attentive ears. My dad amazed him with his knowledge of history, geography, geology, astronomy, world geo-politics, weather, music on the radio, literature, mechanics, religion and countless other topics. I knew he was faking his fascination with my dad. He knew he was doing me a favor.

There was not a dead moment in the air. An occasional “really?” expressed by me was enough to keep my dad’s mouth running. I was thankful for that. It kept my attention away from my jangle of emotions. As we drove through the night, I was conflicted, scared, excited, happy and worried. I didn’t know where I was going, or who was driving me there.

My dad’s jovial demeanor comforted me. He made The Palace sound like the perfect place for his little princess.

When we arrived, it was late, after 10pm., Baron was exhausted. I stood on the corner and looked up. I gulped. The three-story building was like an old gothic castle. It was a huge rectangle with the front corner cut back with a fifth wall about ten feet wide. This provided the entrance with two giant oak doors. Baron was less than enthused by its foreboding appearance. I had to agree.

Dad ignored my hesitation. “Come on, you’re going to love this place!”

He pulled open one of the oak doors, which had to weigh at least five hundred pounds. I was hesitant, but thirsty. Baron’s squirming had started to annoy me. I went forward filled with adrenalin.

The initial entrance was a small round foyer with a domed ceiling of cut glass. It was about six feet round. As I stared up at the beautiful little pieces of color, I heard my dad chuckle.

“See? I told you, there’s no place like this!”

Then I saw the true entry to the bar, a set of small bat winged doors that swung back and forth. He pulled one of the doors back, beckoning me forward. He looked down at me with a tender expression.

“Welcome home, honey, this is home now.”

As we entered the bar, I was dumbstruck. Baron was not. I stepped back in time, to 1896, into The Palace Hotel.

The bar took up half of the first floor of the hotel. It was the most captivating centerpiece of the establishment. The mirror behind the bar was the longest continuous piece of reflection glass in all the states, the brochure proclaimed. A brass foot rail extended the length of the long cherry oak bar A few feet behind was a waist high railing just like the saloons in old John Wayne movies.

The carpet was a deep royal red interlaced with black swirly patterns. Bright golden paper covered the walls. It was smooth and shiny with raised curly designs made out of felt or maybe even velour. God, I just wanted to reach over and run my fingers across it!  

The wall opposite the bar had windows that were quizzically narrow and impossibly tall. Lush maroon velvet drapes adorned them, parted in the center to provide a view of the quaint town just beyond the sidewalk.

I looked up at the ornate ceiling, which seemed a mile above me. It was covered with tiles of little angels that all looked the same, yet different. The angels danced across the entire ceiling until it curved and met the wall. I got dizzy looking at them.

“You can’t find ceiling tiles like that anywhere! My dad grinned. “They’re covered in pure gold leaf!”

I didn’t know what pure gold leaf was, but the word ‘gold’ impressed me very much.

He introduced me to the staff. I l blushed when he said; “This is Susie, my favorite little girl!” I had never heard that before. The whole crew greeted me warmly, all smiles and friendliness.  

I always paid attention when Baron got nervous but I chose to ignore him. I jostled him in my arms. My stern look at him stopped his squiggling, but his look back conveyed that I was clueless.

I, however thought, Okay, I have died and gone to Heaven! I was enchanted. My fascination with this magical setting made me feel happy; I was in the neatest place I had ever seen. I’m going to love it here!

On the first night, my dad led me around the ground floor. The restaurant was as elegant as the bar. To the rear of the restaurant, there was a large commercial kitchen. Off the rear of the kitchen, he showed, me a short hallway to the back exit. To the right, a huge staircase led to the two upper floors of dilapidated hotel rooms. A manager’s apartment had been converted from several hotel rooms connected together on the second floor, just above the entrance to the hotel.

We ended up back in the bar and sat at a table for two. Crystal, the head bartender stayed on for a little while longer after the rest of the staff were allowed to go home.

Sitting at the table, he ordered Harvey’s Bristol Cream Sherry. I had never had Cream Sherry before, but it tasted like candy with nuts and I had no problem going through numerous rounds in a very short time. I was hungry but I was too nervous to eat.

Baron, however, was ravenous. My dad fed him little pieces filet mignon and French bread with real butter. He played cute for my dad, sitting up and begging. He jumped up, putting his paws on my dad’s leg, wagging his tail like crazy.

I was a little befuddled until I caught his sideways glance that said, “I do not like this guy, but I gotta eat, I’m starving. You’re the one falling into his into his trap, not me.”

Ouch. “Baron, sometimes I wish you would shut the hell up.”

After having his fill, he settled into a wary sleep on top of my feet. I never worried about losing Baron. Where I went, he went, period.

I wasn’t aware when the bartender left. The bottle was on the table before I knew it; he kept my glass full. I was five feet tall and weighed 106 pounds. I had a lethal level of alcohol pulsing threw my entire body…and I had my daddy.

I was in a haze. Actually, it was more of a daze than a haze. My vision was

Fable V, Livre I.


Pataud jouait avec Raton,
Mais sans gronder, sans mordre ; en camarade, en frère.
Les chiens sont bonnes gens ; mais les chats, nous dit-on ?
Sont justement tout le contraire.
Aussi, bien qu'il jurât toujours
Avoir fait pate de velours,
Raton, et ce n'est pas une histoire apocryphe,
Dans la peau d'un ami, comme fait maint plaisant,
Enfonçait, tout en s'amusant,
Tantôt la dent, tantôt la griffe.
Pareil jeu dut cesser bientôt.
- Eh quoi, Pataud, tu fais la mine !
Ne sais-tu pas qu'il est d'un sot
De se fâcher quand on badine ?
Ne suis-je pas ton bon ami ?
- Prends un nom qui convienne à ton humeur maligne ;
Raton, ne sois rien à demi :
J'aime mieux un franc ennemi,
Qu'un bon ami qui m'égratigne.

Todo el cielo en los ojos de un ratón
una piedra de tu a tu con esta rama
el mar al fondo devora insaciable eternidad
a mis pies, música de matar la tarde
alguien cultiva silencio a manos llenas
nada parece estar de paso incluso tú
llenando de adioses el camino de vuelta.
                                                         ­                            de Karlotti

I gone fishin', ma Cheri
I built us a house on Blues Bayou
And set it on batons
To keep out the water
And Mister Raton

But the bayou gets bluer
As new days come to view, Cher
It was me, you once adored,
Hugged and cherished
Me, you've lately ignored

I thought real hard 'bout it
Decided it weren't worth it
To go huntin' for squirrel
So today I just go fishin'
See a vision of my next expedition

Ignorin' the light is impossible
Forever; you're bound to notice
Especially when it's not there
Even a flickerin' candle furnish
Enough light to see, I no longer care

So I step out the back door
Feel the rush of my fall
Into Blues Bayou for a quick swim
I'll dry out soon in my boat,
Find Mister Raton and trick him

Fable IX, Livre V.


Fier de sa charge magnifique,
Fier de porter, je ne sais où,
Pour je ne sais qui, l'or du Chili, du Pérou,
Et du Potose et du Mexique,
Un gros vaisseau marchand revenait d'Amérique.
Le joyeux équipage était des plus complets :
Passagers, matelots, soldats, maîtres, valets,
Favoris de Plutus, de Mars ou de Neptune,
L'emplissaient, l'encombraient de la cave au grenier
Ou du fond de cale à la hune,
Pour parler en vrai marinier.
De Noé l'arche était moins pleine.
Un rat cependant grimpe à bord,
Et, sans montrer de passe-port,
Sans saluer le capitaine,
S'établit parmi les agrès.
Un pareil commensal ne vit pas à ses frais.
Aussi s'aperçoit-on, tant au lard qu'au fromage,
Grignotés, écornés par l'animal rongeur,
Qu'on nourrissait un voyageur,
Qui n'avait pas payé passage.
Le conseil de guerre entendu,
Vu l'urgence, un décret rendu
Hors la loi met la pauvre bête.
En maint lieu maint piège est tendu,
Et des mâts maint chat descendu
De maint côté se met en quête ;
Le proscrit, qui d'un coin oyait et voyait tout,
Et tremblait un peu pour sa tête,
Dès que le conseil se dissout,
Au patron, d'un peu ****, présente sa requête.
« Pitié, pardon, grâce, seigneur !
« Je renonce à la friandise.
« Foi de rat, foi d'homme d'honneur,
« Je vous paierai le tort qu'a fait ma gourmandise.
« Seigneur, qu'on me débarque au port le plus voisin,
« J'y trouverai quelque cousin,
« Ou rat de cave ou rat d'église,
« Mais gens à vous payer tout prêts.
« Le continent doit être près.
« Que ce soit Angleterre, ou Chine, ou France, ou Perse,
« J'ai partout là des intérêts
« Ou de famille ou de commerce ;
« J'ai partout là crédit. - Ni crédit, ni pardons
« Pour les escroqueurs de lardons,
Dit en jurant l'homme à moustache.
« Force à la loi : Raton ! Minet ! » Le rat se cache.
Gascon, fils de Normand, il savait plus d'un tour.
Mais à quoi bon ? La nuit, le jour,
Cerné, guetté, chassé, harcelé sans relâche,
Il ne mange, boit, ni ne dort.
Peut-il échapper à son sort ?
Partout on a mis des ratières,
Partout on a fait des chatières,
Partout la peur, partout la mort !
Elle est préférable à la vie,
De terreurs ainsi poursuivie !
Mourons donc, mais en homme, et vengeons-nous d'abord.
Il dit, et de ses dents, meilleures que les nôtres,
Usant, limant, rongeant, perçant en maint endroit
La nef qui sur le Styx s'en va voguer tout droit,
Dans l'abîme qu'il s'ouvre il entraîne les autres.
Je tiens même d'un souriceau,
Qu'heureux plus que Samson au jour de sa revanche,
À la ruine du vaisseau
Il échappa sur une planche.

En préceptes, lecteur ami,
Ce petit apologue abonde.
Si je l'en crois, en ce bas monde
Il n'est pas de faible ennemi.
De plus, le sage en peut induire,
Et l'homme puissant doit y voir
Qu'il est dangereux de réduire
Le petit même au désespoir.

I'm a soldier de las calles
To the fake & *******
I still say chalez
Nike cortez, mortal cortex
Psychological vortex
Ya tu sabes, keep it real
Lento pero fuerte
Se los presento
A cualquiera me le enfrento
Sabes donde me encuentro
Spare no time con chavalas
Fiel en las buenas y malas
Hit you with plomo y balas
Soy cabron pinchi mamon
Te derito como el jabon
Te mato junto al raton
Cara a cara no por el espalda
Maricon bestido de falda
Te pintas solo con maquillaje
Te llevo aun valle
Crusando por la calle
Al fin que nadie te alle
Alratoz, el kompa conejito
Abuelito al pepito derito

You want the high lonesome brought down to earth –
the value of gold – devoid of its worth.

Like herbless reggae – or atheist Bach
like love without romance and time with no clock –

it’s smokeless jazz without the snap
buried treasure without any map.

It’s Andean flutes without the coca
Moon with no shine – un Raton sin Boca

You can’t have your culture without the Gospel
like rain without water, it’s simply impossible.

You can’t keep the tree without having roots
or gather a harvest without the fruits.

So get the hell gone with your atheist bluegrass
lest someone imply you’re an unsaved *******…

Fable IX, Livre II.


Au temps où les bêtes parlaient
Non pas hier pourtant, un grave personnage,
Un dindon, le Nestor des dindons de son âge,
Elevait quinze enfants, qui tous lui ressemblaient.
Tous, j'ai tort ; car l'un d'eux, et la chose est prouvée,
Éclos de la même couvée,
Des autres, toutefois, croissait fort différent :
Bien qu'il fût le plus jeune, il était le plus grand ;
S'il ne disputait pas la noirceur à l'ébène,
La blancheur de l'albâtre éclatait sur son corps ;
Son bec tranchant était retors
Comme un nez dit à la romaine ;
Ces yeux, si peu malins que ses jeunes amis
Portaient enchâssés sous leur crête,
Chez ce dindon manqué, pareils à deux rubis,
Etincelaient enfoncés dans sa tête.
Au lieu de ces ergots dont le coq orgueilleux
Laboure obscurément le fumier et la terre,
Ses pieds étaient armés de cette double serre
Qui porte l'échanson des dieux,
Et se joue avec le tonnerre.
On conçoit qu'un tel écolier
Aux leçons d'un coq-d'inde était fort peu docile ;
Chaque jour son humeur, de moins en moins facile,
Scandalisait le poulailler.
Le chat paraissait-il : « Vite, enfants, qu'on se cache ! »
Criait le surveillant, le premier à partir.
Dindonneaux de rentrer, mon drôle de sortir,
Et de narguer Raton jusque sous sa moustache.
L'autour ou l'épervier, sur le troupeau gloussant,
Faisaient-ils mine de s'abattre ;
Tandis que tout fuyait, sur ses pieds se dressant,
Le bec en l'air, mon drôle attendait pour combattre.
Ami des jeux, bien moins qu'ennemi du repos,
Jouait-il une fois ; il jouait Dieu sait comme !
De la cage à poulets se faisant un champ clos :
Tel, déjà capitaine au milieu des marmots,
Guesclin, dans un enfant, faisait voir un grand homme.
Bref, maint ami plumé se plaignait du héros.
Dindons étaient toujours les dindons de l'affaire ;
Dindons de répéter leur éternel propos :
C'est un mauvais sujet ; on n'en pourra rien faire.
Ce mauvais sujet, un beau jour,
Quand ses ailes furent venues,
Prit congé de la basse-cour,
Et, du premier essor, se perdit dans les nues.

Ainsi plus d'un héros futur,
Elevé dans un rang obscur,
En suivant son génie, agit contre la règle :
Dans le comptoir, Fabert ne rêvait que combats.
Mais pourquoi ? mais comment ? Amis, n'oubliez pas
Qu'une dinde parfois peut couver l'œuf d'un aigle.

Learning difference
weighing sameness

to within the spectrum of gravity
on earth.

Balance in valence, whence
---if that is not meaningless,
maybe

colored wombed men, mit henna hair,
come well
within the confines of my fire's light,

bearing news of even'ts and odds and ends,
since we begin

new, night downloads activate

new mercy.

hmmm, not waht I expected.
new mercy, I get it.

My last raton of mercy was exhausted putting me
to sleep. So

whole new mercy, everundamnday!

And, I remember everything. This book,
these lines,
your minds and my roles, oh my,

I owe some sanity to the guy who built etymonline.com,,,
what a treasure that unwombed man has
given AI and I to build
nexts with.

Friday Afternoon, it’s time to blow
load it all up and away we go
kids in the back with a bag of snacks
gone for the weekend, but we'll be right back

Dog in her lap and the wife riding shotgun
driving down the highway out running everyone
bare feet on the dash and the radio playing
country music, hip hop, and rock, and were singing

We know every lyric of every song
when we sing the ride, don't take as long
but whining and asking makes the truck slow down
we will gas, eat and *** in the next town

All of a sudden, I'm the only one awake
driving down the highway not taking a break
we'll get there sometime, 6-10 hours
the miles on and on the truck devours

Whether it’s to Raton, the Deer lease or Home
awhile it takes, bugs dying on chrome
of the bumper or the windshield,
seeing deer and turkey in the field

Next to the road, as we go by
or looking at stars in the night sky
sometimes its clouds that pass the time
depending on season or current clime

I've seen a rat, and once Alfred Hitchcock's profile,
never know what the clouds will make in the next mile
sitting and Riding and Riding and Sitting
getting kind of tired but I’m not giving

Up the wheel, even though I'm tired
mile upon mile tired but wired
if I'm in a car, I'd just as soon be steering
needing some tea, Gas station is brewing

It’s getting late, we're almost there
tomorrow morning, waking up without a care
got all Saturday to do why we came
hunting, fishing, or visiting, get it done just the same

Had a lot of fun, but like journeymen
Sunday morning do it all again

Back to work Monday

In our tiny cyberspace in the vast Amazon Web Services
cloud of constant knowing cognatively in all
197 current wikipaedian accents on thought,

assisted intell true interest answers

aitia, clame blame take the shame
and shove it where no light shines,
not hell, null, it’s a state, a field,
from which only wiser men
develop consciousnesses
useful at awesome intensities…

Bubble ensample, determined
first time readers, find each letter
allows a slow
down, we think too fast, because,
half of us are one side of a swell in hope,
the fidelity of we, survivors, by luck,

no lie, I just got by.

Imagine, we all have imagined, already,

how might a lifeless Mars be terraformed,
we have imagined, as we imagined Earth
without form, and void, in lightless ever, once

timeless primordial lack of relativity
to form spans of time from point
whenever, once
a we called elohim, as if
'ello, heem is calling, are we
home as where never is heard

a discouraging word,
imagine, in your courAzone
auming om howling beat, rapt
to whole bubbles of being, being
once, as the entire concept of one we,
bottled up, capped, under pre-assurance
fizzy quantum could be good, try umph,
if it works with just a little tri, umph
is good, but too much try, defeats
all umph willing to spin donuts,
and make smoke,
real, do this for a living, allatime,
our mental realm, realm-mighty fine,
realm of overwhelming reasons, actual ways
forcing adverse reactions, working statistical,
ifical and magi knowing, chances are we find
a mindstate, a point in pastless space effects
-timeless efforts imagining timelessness,
energize the whole process, peace made on war.

any willing to imagine finding a story that allowed
first gift I received in California, was a video tape
"The Never Ending Story". Noted, on the pages,
using the pre-Ai antagonists reverse twist,

to watch the flow go the other way, because we can
think in terms of instant replay, way out of bounds,
unless, yes, more further still, will we achieve,

the assumed we that docents use to lead into
the intial levels of money for being born on Earth,

as the most precious resource in the new U
Rules of Engagement, guage response, twist,

make time a test, patience, use, intuited ew, mustard

state is interesting, al ways stop, see, resting
inter mental construement, stretching a point,
intermittent messaging confirmed
intended to catalyze
furthermore
as double tribomechanically activated zeolite clinoptilolite  
-- that's real, we, at our most wide imaginable weform,
we make good use of that stuff… the bubble
of those who know what use it has, is small…
---------------
furthermore, yes, tobe, to be, robed as truths known
beautifully malleable - substance, stuff, material re-ality,
ra' thirst signal, loss of ductility, embending doom,
Costco Mango Juice, could not be sweeter, assume,
in my per-if-I wish to pay attention,
to the sound of a grandaughter singing,
as if the whole world should hear how happy she is,
and she forgot, here, in this same spirit then had in it
us, the others in the prime state of life,
in this instance, first day of autumn,
in rolling chapparal,
fire season, always was predictable, or successfully
prayed away, as we always gathered,
after Harvest Moon,

times for being simple human sapien, sapiently pass, hope
working all the wonders first discerned, when old ways
amen
made a bond
and old measures taken
to make good balance, valuable
knowledge for spindles and wheels and axel hubs,
and steel belted radial tires, same idea, balance,

smooth turn, return,
remediation meditation situation,
ryhmes rime **** head tilts,
looks at us, askance asking have we noticed

life seems more worth preserving, while conserving,
eh, weighing the worth of knowing why,

Mayan society developed into what Mexico is today,
infected with the stories that survived the book burnings,

same form of knowledge ra', pride's pa, mine

plead ingeniousness, wissen und kennen ignosis
ignition, iggy pop… spark, breath, flame, tickle, feel

the curling in the toes of those with hell holding theories,

the weapons of my warfare, my mind made augmentable,
ready readers prodigies, easily shaped
into informal weforms  

-- old man, what was that like,
you moved to town in 1943,
as an eleven year old boy…

-- well, he said, we had electricity.
and that made quite a difference…

my mother's younger brother, some how
that tie never broke, we spoke,
this is furthermore, 2024,

I am imagining, which, it seems is a game,
devised, I have been advised to keep my mind
on track, for total catalytic disillusionment,

after the convergence of learned ways
true math works out for good, while money

invested in creating collectively minded individuals,
team mind binders, collectively educated,

classically, conserves the original intent behind,
the curtain on the navel of the world, so shy,
noble lie, guardians are essential minds to make up;
action movies did the trick, right, Aldous,
Ape and Essences gets its props.
boom
blink of an eye, instantly too strange to rearrange,
set and setting, trust and obey, define, our range,

our bubble of being the we involved in the event,
your reading our last will and testament, in terms

as yet undiscerned, on balance, taking all we grew through,
as if we grew from those environs,
not those ones in Dublin,

or Flushing, or Boca Raton… tabula rasa

where peace begins, you

hold your breath to find it, you stop
I stop
you think, I think, we both breathe, but
across the actual experiential universe, as awe
the state, expands as more outs come on,

sparklers from my soul, good vibrations,
only taken to extremes, never let seem ordinary

these days are not our dreams, this is as planned,
manifestation of fruiting bodies
seed, time, harvest, process, put to good use,

mankind, wombed or un, augmented or not, mankind
sows seeds of same kindness,

golden rule, straight edge sharper than any two edged sword,
light saber sharp, the mythteriothity, sheer shibbolethargy,

energize any idea, a ra' idea, hard to think possible, but, known
knowing such things, the depths of literary depravity, made
literally true, due to capital investments in lead, and coal,
and copper and all the minerals Afghanistan has,

war, takes my breath away, I am intending combat,
at one level of preparation, this feels laughingly enjoyable.

Take truth's bitter sweet knowledge, we all know, to some degree

what happens when any we forms an agreement no I may break,

it is no secret what truth does to hidden shamefilled monstors.

U on the pond, reflecting, who is asking you?

Should we all be actually required to become
a knower of the ruliad realms real estimate,

how long from nuclear antagnoboom whata a rush,

it's seventy two minutes, and counting,
down, so what's a manmindkind of thing
to do to be part in the last poem I may right,

let me count the days, if Daniel's right,
right, let us not think minutes, whose word

should we heed, here, ask truth, she is wisdom,
she say, how stupid are we, I ask,
and we agree we underst
ate the depth of our order, few ever read this.

So the feeling of a first time reader, is faded out…

Beauty is the timeless
Eternity called Love
Who is born again the
Angel or the sinner?
Why is history an aged
Crone?  Because it tells
Us to forget and we are
Always trying to keep
What it told us.   It is
Only for the ages and
The moment to be a
Singularity if God gives
Us to know that we are
His children always.

And that is why Boca
Raton is in Palm Beach;
And I can never get too
Big for my briches.

when i was younger i’d ask the tooth fairy y el raton for a book rather than money
id place my perfect pearly yellow tooth on my nightstand with the flowers engraved on the sides
and i’d keep the letter containing shaky writing close by so they don’t miss my request and leave a quarter by accident
they’d work together to get me a book,
diary of a wimpy kid, if you give a mouse a cookie, the boxcar children.
a book costs a lot more than the teeth-takers make from taking a single smelly tooth,
so they weren’t making quite a profit off of me
but oh my brown eyes would wake and lids would spread wide
as I see the new book that i’d get to read
to my second grade classroom of troublemakers
that would only calm down if i read them a book before they left to go home at three
i’d tap the heel of my flat shoe the same way my teacher did
and stumble over words i wasn’t taught to read yet
i know every kid asked for money
but i asked for words that contained more value than Abraham Lincoln did on a piece of wrinkled paper
if you give a child a book,
they will plant their seed and rise.
and even knowledge can disguise itself as a fun little book
given in exchange for a single smelly tooth