It been awhile , and I still struggling with laying them down.
Even though they are gone, there still apart of me craving them.
Even though you fill me up daily with strength enough to stand.
Still the battles that I have to go through are still there today.
The same battles that was calmed by me lighting up the cigarette.
After I smoke a cigarette I was calm for awhile anyway Lord.
Now there is nothing here to calm the ragging rivers within me.
I know that you could, but you leave the ragging rivers ragging within me.
So I need your help heal me of these rivers ragging within me today.

Awhile ago, I had been at a party. I’d listened to someone talk about Kate Moss for ten minutes straight. I left the room, found my flatmate and asked why anyone was interested in anything at all. We’d come up with no answers.

All this started a month ago, and all that started long before. I will not bore you with trite aphorisms about how I survived, or how wondrous life has become since. At some point my mind broke. This is a collection of memories about my attempted suicide and the absurdity of the entire experience.

Wednesday, 26th of April, 2017, midnight.

Couldn’t sleep. Surfed the internet. Fell into ASMR sub-culture.[1] Meta-satire, transitioning to post-irony, before pseudo-spiritual out-of-body transcendence. I thought, *this is the most ****** experience I’ve had in half a decade, while a woman spun spheres of blobby jelly around my head and whispered elephant mourning rituals into my ears.

Tuesday, 27th of April, 2017, afternoon.

Woke up mid-day. Looked at all the objects in my room, unable to understand why any of them mattered. Milled around the flat. Went online to order helium so I could make an exit bag.[2] Cheapest source was The Warehouse, though the helium came with thirty bright multi-coloured party balloons. I kept imagining one of my flatmates walking in later that day, seeing my crumpled body surrounded by these floppy bits of rubber and a note saying this life is absurd and I want out of it. There was no online purchasing option, however, and I couldn’t be bothered walking into town. I began reading suicide notes. One was from a kid who’d slowly taken pills as he watched TV, culminating in a coma. That sounds pleasant, I thought, whilst at the same time knowing that it takes up to three days to die from painkillers and that the process is anything but painless or final. I opened my drawer, found a bunch of paracetamol and began washing them down with water, whilst listening to the soundtrack of End of Evangelion.[3]

I’m not sure why, but I began crying violently. I knew I’d have to leave the flat before my flatmates came home. I hastily scrawled a note that said, donate my body, give my money to senpai, give my possessions to someone I don’t know, it smells like burning, it was good knowing you all, before walking out the door with Komm Süsser Tod playing in the background.[4, 5] I’d already written my personal and political reasons for suicide in the pieces méconnaissance[6] and **** Yourself,[7] so felt there was no reason for anything more substantial.

I wandered the back roads of my neighbourhood. My body shook. I felt somnolent, half-dazed. I wanted a quiet place to sit, sleep and writhe in agony while my organs slowly failed. My legs kept stumbling, however, and my head was beginning to feel funny. I found a dead-end street and sat on one of those artificially maintained rectangles of grass. There was a black cat lying in the middle of the road, just bobbing its head at me. I zoned out for a bit and when I came to a giant orange cat was to my left, gazing intently into my teary face. I tried to refocus on my crotch. I couldn’t help but notice a white cat across the road, pretending not to be seen. It had a dubious look on its face, a countenance of guilt. What the hell was going on? A delivery person looped round the street. People returned home from work. Garage doors opened, cars drove down driveways. Here I was, slowly dying, surrounded by spooky ******* cats and the bustle of ordinary existence.

“Uh, hey. You look, uh, like something isn’t . . . do you need, uh, help?” a woman asked, crossing the street with a pram to reach me. I groaned.

“It’s just that, you know, ordinarily, um, I mean normally, people don’t sit on the sidewalk,” she continued, glancing down with the half-confused look of a concerned citizen who is trying to enter a situation outside of their usual experience. I mumbled something indistinct and went back to staring at my crotch.

“You know, I can, er . . . I can . . . I can’t really help,” she ended, awkwardly. “I have a daughter to look after, but . . . if you’re still here when she’s asleep . . . I’m the red fence.” She darted off without another word.

Had she wanted me off the sidewalk because it was abnormal to sit there, or had she seen the abnormality as a sign of something deeper? Either way, she’d used abnormality as a signifier of negative change. Deviancy as something to be corrected, realigned with some norm that co-exists with happiness and citizenship. I was being a bad citizen.

I thought, I miss those cats. At least they had judged me in silence. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? This is clearly a case of deviancy associated with negative feelings. Well, negative feelings, but not necessarily negative change. Suicide is only negative if one views life as intrinsically worthwhile—

I could hear pram lady in the distance. She was talking to someone who’d just come back from work. They thanked pram lady and began moving towards me. Arghggh, just let me die, I thought.

She introduced herself as a nurse. From her tone and approach, it was clear she’d handled many cases like me. I’ve never hated counselling techniques. They seemed to at least trouble neoliberal rhetoric. There is little mention of overcoming, or striving, or perfecting oneself into a being of pure success. Rather, counselling seemed to be about listening and piercing together the other’s perspective. Counsellors tended not to interject words of comfort. They’d tell you mental illness was lifelong and couldn’t be fixed. They’re the closest society has to positive pessimists. Of course, they’d still want you to get better. Better, as in, not attempting suicide.

I talked with nurse lady for an hour about how life is simply passing. Passing through oneself, passing through others, passing through spaces, thoughts and emotions. About how the majority of life seems to be lived in a beyond we’ll never reach. Potential futures, moments of relief, phantasies we create to escape the dull present. About how I’d been finding my media and politics degree really rewarding, but some part of my head broke and I lost all ability to focus and care. About how the more I learnt about the world, the less capable I felt of changing it, and that change was a narcissistic day dream, anyway.

She replied “We’re all cogs. But what’s wrong with being a cog? Even a cog can make changes,” and I thought, but never one’s own.

She gave me a ride to the emergency clinic because I was too apathetic and guilt-ridden to decline. Why are people so nice over things that don’t matter? Chicks are ground into chicken nuggets alive.[8] The meat-industry produces 50% of the world’s carbon emissions.[9] But someone sits on the side of the road in a bourgeois neighbourhood and suddenly you have cats and nurses worried sick over your ****** up head. I should have worn a hobo coat and sat in town.

Tuesday, 27th of April, 2017, evening.

I had forgotten how painful waiting rooms were. It was stupidly ironic. I’d entered this apathetic suicidal stupor because I’d wanted to escape the monotony of existence, yet here I was, sitting in a waiting room, counting the stains on the ceiling, while the reception TV streamed a hospital drama.

“Get his *** in there!”

“Time is the real killer.”

“It wasn’t the cancer that was terminal, it was you.”

Zoom in on doctor face man.

Everybody hugging.

Emergency waiting rooms are a lot like life. You don’t choose to be there. An accident simply occurs and then you’re stuck, watching a show about *** cancer and family bonding. Sometimes someone coughs and you become aware of your own body again. You remember that you exist outside of media, waiting in this sterile space on a painfully too small plastic chair. You deliberately avoid the glances of everyone else in the room because you don’t want to reduce their existence to an injury, a pulsing wound, a lack, nor let them reduce you the same. The accident that got you here left you with a blank spot in your head, but the nurses reassure you that you’ll be up soon, to whatever it is you’re here for. And so, with nothing else to do, you turn back to the TV and forget you exist.

I thought, I should have taken more pills and gone into the woods.

The ER was a Kafkaeque realm of piercing lights, sleepy interns and too narrow privacy curtains.[10] Every time a nurse would try to close one, they’d pull it too far to one side, opening the other side up. Like the self, no bed was fully enclosed. There were always gaps, spaces of viewing, windows into trauma, and like the objet petit a, there was always the potential of meeting another’s gaze, one just like yours, only, out of your control.

I lay amidst a drone of machinery, footsteps and chatter. I stared at ceiling stains. Every hour or so a different nurse would approach me, repeat the same ten questions as the one before, then end commenting awkwardly on my tattoos. I kept thinking, what is going on? Have I finally died and become integrated into some eternally recurring limbo hell where, in a state of complete apathy and deterioration, some devil approaches me every hour to ask, why did you take those pills?

Do I have to repeat my answer for the rest of my life?

I gazed at the stain to my right. That was back in ‘92 when the piping above burst on a particularly wintry day. I shifted my gaze. And that happened in ‘99 when an intern tripped holding a giant cup of coffee. Afterwards, everyone began calling her Trippy. She eventually became a surgeon and had four adorable bourgeois kids. Tippy Tip Tap Toop.

The nurses began covering my body with little pieces of paper and plastic, to which only one third were connected to an ECG monitor.[11] Every ten minutes or so the monitor would begin honking violently, to which (initially) no one would respond to. After an hour or so a nurse wandered over with a worried expression, poked the machine a little, then asked if I was experiencing any chest pains. Before I could answer, he was intercepted by another nurse and told not to worry. His expression never cleared up, but he went back to staring blankly into a computer terminal on the other end of the room.

There were two security guards awkwardly trying not to meet anyone’s gazes. They were out of place and they knew it. No matter what space they occupied, a nurse would have to move past them to reach some medical doodle or document. One nurse jokingly said, “It’s ER. If you’re not moving you’re in the way,” to which the guards chortled, shuffled a metre or so sideways, before returning to standing still.

I checked my phone.

“Got veges.”

“If you successfully **** yourself, you’ll officially be the biggest right-wing neoliberal piece of ****.”[12]

“Your Text Unlimited Combo renewed on 28 Apr at 10:41. Nice!”

I went back to staring at the ceiling.

Six hours later, one of the nurses came over and said “Huh, turns out there’s nothing in your blood. Nothing . . . at all.” Another pulled out my drip and disconnected me from the ECG monitor. “Well, you’re free to leave.”

Tuesday, 27th of April, 2017, midnight.

I wandered over to the Emergency Psychiatric Services. The doctor there was interested in setting up future supports for my ****** up mind. He mentioned anti-depressants and I told him that in the past they hadn’t really worked, that it seemed more related to my general political outlook, that this purposeless restlessness has been with me most of my life, and that no drug or counselling could cure the lack innate to existence which is exacerbated by our current political and cultural institutions.

He replied “Are you one of those anti-druggers? You know there’s been a lot of backlash against psychiatry, it’s really the cultural Zeitgeist of our times, but it’s all led by misinformation, scaremongering.”

I hesitated, before replying “I’m not anti-drugs, I just don’t think you can change my general hatred of existence.”

“Okay, okay, I’m not trying to argue with your outlook, but you’re simply stuck in this doom and gloom phase—”

Whoa, wait a ******* minute. You’re not trying to argue with my outlook, while completely discounting my outlook as simply a passing emotional state? This guy is a ******* *******, I thought, ragging on about anti-druggers while pretending not to undermine a political and social position I’d spent years researching and building up. I stopped paying attention to him. Yes, a lot of my problems are internal, but I’m more than a disembodied brain, biologically computing chemical data.

At the end of his rant, he said something like “You’re a good kid,” and I thought, ******* too.

Friday, 28th of April, 2017, morning.

The next day I met a different doctor. I gave him a brief summary of my privileged life culminating in a ****** metaphor about three metaphysical pillars which lift me into the tempestuous winds of existential dread and nihilistic apathy. One, my social anxiety. Two, my absurd existence. Three, my political outlook. One, anxiety: I cannot relate to small talk. The gaze of the other is a gaze of expectations. Because I cannot know these expectations, I will never live up to them. Communication is by nature, lacking. Two, absurdity: Existence is a meaningless repetition of arbitrary structures we ourselves construct, then forget. Reflexivity is about uncovering this so that we may escape structures we do not like. We inevitably fall into new structures, prejudices and artifices. Nothing is authentic, nothing is innocent and nothing is your self. Three, politics: I am trapped in a neoliberal capitalist monstrosity that creates enough produce to feed the entire world, but does not do so due to the market’s instrumental need for profit. The system, in other words, rewards capitalists who are ruthless. Any capitalist trying to bring about change, will necessarily have to become ruthless to reach a position of power, and therefore will fail to bring about change.

The doctor nodded. He thought deeply, tried to piece it all together, then finally said “Yes, society is quite terrifying. This is something we cannot control. There are things out there that will harm you and the political situation of our time is troubling.”

I was astounded. This was one of the first doctors who’d actually taken what I’d said and given it consideration. Sure we hadn’t gotten into a length discussion of socialism, feminism or veganism, but they also hadn’t simply collapsed my political thoughts into my depressive state.

“But you know, there are still niches of meaning in this world. Though the greater structures are overbearing, people can still find purpose enacting smaller changes, connecting in ephemeral ways.”

What was I hearing? Was this a postmodern doctor?[13] Was science reconnecting with the humanities?

“We may even connect your third pillar, that of the political, with your second pillar and see that the political situation of our time is absurd. This is unfortunate, but as for your first pillar, this is definitely something we can help you with. In fact, it’s quite a simple process, helping one deal with social anxiety, and to me, it sounds like this anxiety has greatly affected your life for the past few years.”

The doctor then asked for my gender and sexuality, to which after I hesitated a little, he said, it didn’t really matter seeing as it was all constructed, anyway. For being unable to feel much at all, I was ecstatic. I thought, how could this doctor be working in the same building as the previous one I’d met? We went into anti-depressant plans. He told me that their effects were unpredictable. They may lift my mood, they may do nothing at all, they may even make me feel worse. Nobody really knew what molecular pathways serotonin activated, but it sometimes pulled people out of circular ways of thinking. And dopamine, well, taken in too high a dose, could make you psychotic.

Sign me the **** up, I thought, gazing at my new medical hero. These are the kinds of non-assurances that match my experience of life. Trust and expectations lead only to disappointment. Give me pure insurmountable doubt.

Friday, 28th of April, 2017, afternoon.

“The drugs won’t be too long,” the pharmacist said before disappearing into the back room. I milled around th

spring omnipotent goddess thou dost
inveigle into crossing sidewalks the
unwary june-bug and the frivolous angleworm
thou dost persuade to serenade his
lady the musical tom-cat,thou stuffest
the parks with overgrown pimply
cavaliers and gumchewing giggly
girls and not content
Spring, with this
thou hangest canary-birds in parlor windows

spring slattern of seasons you
have ***** legs and a muddy
petticoat,drowsy is your
mouth your eyes are sticky
with dreams and you have
a sloppy body
from being brought to bed of crocuses
When you sing in your whiskey voice
                                        the grass
rises on the head of the earth
and all the trees are put on edge

spring,
of the jostle of
thy ******* and the slobber
of your thighs
i am so very
                glad that the soul inside me Hollers
for thou comest and your hands
are the snow
and thy fingers are the rain,
and i hear
the screech of dissonant
flowers,and most of all
i hear your stepping
                      freakish feet
                      feet incorrigible
ragging the world,

life is never what it seems to be, always reoccuring with a thought as put upon the length of arms that revolutionize this thought. . .for those that can be bought,
is day like today less then feeling of want to rot, because so simple as a breeze brought down your temperment to be pleased. . .caught in a storm, that has outlasted
longer then your heart to feel content and warm, to feel the essence of a breath among a group of bad breaths, in other words, to breath among a group of brothers and sisters
from whom you can gain so much. But life is never what it seems to be, instead you look yourself in the mirror pointing at me, you, fool. Glowing from ragging frustration,
the toll blows for you unsurpassable deflation, because it is not for your hand that grows for the motion, to pick which ******* **** you want to lotion. Spearing the reasons,
the ego is your hero, born to work zero, and trusted with such hand to uphold all by command. To twist on the ****, that opens your door, to circumstances i certainly care less
the **** to continue to explore. But with this slight little mention, please pay close attention because this song is a *****. At least to explain the message, my whole is a
whole that takes life time to experience and grow, and appreciate the things that stoop all the levels around me, no barrier, no door, just genuine life experience to bring me
to come to this point to explain to the world something within the self, that is described by astute persons, for whom these ideas carry on to fulfill an immense part of
something that is casually slipped in and never thought about because it is told within reason that humanity cannot be without such astute person's idealogy. For **** sake my
friend, if your have many common sense, think of the common thing that has driven you to come to the conclusion that you have come to about anything. Everything is absolute and
existent and is evoked through the means. . .from the time of your dissapating freedom, as kids, not as adults, because look at how adults are this days. They teach their kids,
and they let others teach their kids, but the kids never get the feeling of being free. I promiss you, that cry or emotion you have experienced due to lack of friendliness from a
neighboring ****, it is an instillement that sparks up many motions of your life to believe into bizarre things the world portrays. For myself, I find the starting point of my
when I first breathed my first sensible air, when I walked in my own two feet without guidance as to where my eyes were seeing. How can a mind be so tender, lost by the misconformed
train thogh after train thought. That is why I find schooling such a fascinating ruthless thing that can be broken into several fashions as to why is that case. But not even
reason to fashion an answer that I know will and is definetly can be viewed to abhold a societal dismark of "wF"is wrong with that guy's mind. He must be **** casing a storm to
bring an ideaology of thought or some **** religion, but that's what so funny to me. I find everything in life comedic, non concerning except at times if I feel similar to
someone adjacent because that is their essence in my prescence, and I feel the need to comfort it, to bring back the importance of that self. The part of life I find so comedic,
how bits and bits and everything with **** have all so many fascinating
things to learn from, the progression of one's mind never attains self worth in the world with something interfering. That something interfering for example, is me personally
writing what is can be taken as pointless and presenting my writing to you how I say I do. But did I say how I am presenting this writing, absolutely not. So brings the funny,
that school teaches the aspect of disfigurament of a person's essence. This thing is a complete oblivion to everything and anything, that because even though I did not specify
how I tone myself on this paper, there is the predicament to assume that I am very angry deranged person who but pokes charasmatically at something no one can grip, because he
is portraying me the image the way I was bred to see. But then it is so **** funny, you can also take my words describing
all that I intend to explain and stick them against me to simplify your circumstances as to the causitive feeling your experiencing, and maybe the confusion that I am creating
noting a significant point that I do write intentionally without any figurative wording, just simply talking about this to evoke a presence of an essence within you that is hindered,
by what type of **** everybody is wearing, where they are starring, who is ******* and adoring, and who's simply the **** because they don't fit in a deranged group, developed by
ego-centric level stingers, who but want either good for you, or it is the drive to profit from you everything. That is, words blah blah, can take stroll
on one day's role and make no complete sense, and all they did were live the sense of a tangled mind that fostered on what has been in some form, taught, over
what you can call a lively existence, considering how much traumatizing headaches this could cause, and resembled among a group of similar constituents with similar reasons
as to whatever the situation might be. I could point this out within one sentence, but it wouldn't hold any deeper understanding of this essence, so instead I decide with all
my reasoning and tremendous experience that even to some, even at this gritty expertisians who grease up the world to guess everything based on study and reasoning by other humans,
who believe all these ideas are shifters to the mind but always stem the relentless, functioning without any perspectives open to the idea that mold humans into one spatial and far better
so called community, which in all it's case has lost the essence to preserve the self without a ***** on the back. That ***** of course is the communal ****, that builds from a
trigger of words, then they teach the brain as if it is known how to be as a functioning unit. The amount doesn't matter, the amount that is thought brings hope, but the most
amount to the self is the function of you, like I feel I function amongst anyone because I have come to terms and realize what really important things I have learned from my life.
My life to some is gripping, only because it sounds unbelievable, but of that life I found the same driving forces that drive madness even today, and has been reaccuring for as
long as some form of expression has been. And in all humiliation of humanity, or as I consider it digression of being self around the bounds of comfortability, it has been
a grand experience to see many a people transgress from the point of my meeting them with a continuous contact to the point of now, and then, and future plausible. But then
and future plausible for me stand out as notions needless of evocations due to the fact that the self is a dwindling factor hung by a rope to swing the way the self first portrayed
to me, and then to the direction away from the first encountered mind. But in all, without senseless ignorance, I do understand these things are studied for a reason, for a reason
that is workable to be as they are for some variables do affect person's in many different way. That is why, the sense of one roof and too many aloof is but a big spoof. With
sensibility, how can forging something into your life help you to achieve greatness within self to portray it in a manner plausible. The only way is as a current flows, so do
the gulls.



where do you. . .come from. . .so many leagues unbeknownst among my dreams.
life is never what it seems. . .until i met your eyes.. . that built
my stongest implication, dire in desire to live a life inspired. . .
but then so is, to dream upon what tends on building motivation. . .
life is beautiful sensation. . .
from the first rainfall with you meeting outside spontaneous realm. . .
we fought the solemn wind to calm our cumbered spirits. . .taking flight,
fighting what might have been. . .semeless to even entertain. . .lost in
each others warmness. . .everything we built tended harmless.

now see how we have. . .related to each other's hearts. . .left the scrutinity
at obscurity prolonged on scale of mirror. . .where it has always belonged.
now it's just time darling
i promiss it wont be long until our roots bind the maximum strong.

from even across the plains, and mountain long trip stains. . .i feel
less pain. . .from what's the phrase non loose then gain, consorting time
absorbing each other's essence in rhyme.
the deepest of sensation of you. . .the meekest of me, makes me be the simple thing
that i've reconnected to . . .to realize, the sensation of you. . .from our first
encounter, i felt deep into your eyes. . .what agree's none behind with lies. . .
you evoked the deepest motion within my sphere of emotion not to betray myself within
this realm and dark frivolous potion. . .for my first set of emotion set on your tone behind
this potion. . .

i face you eye for an eye of every day until i die, but will ever will i die. . .not with you
never. . .darling angel, angel you are my expressive tone to call you so. . .nothing more
is the essense of you that you seem to implore, how busy life must be. . .we need feel free
to good ridance from this fee that life doesn't instill our good griefs beyond simple joys and beliefs. . .
for simply darling we are each other's heart beats, if it's simple smell of you
i will carry out my deeds in hell. . .beneath on hearth this earth, where all of us have been given
birth. . .but sent to spend what is driven by multipolluted cord, the time in blunt approach from
the thing that planted our roots. . .

how i feel you is simply too rich for some dirt to enrich you. . .i simply love and cherish
every bit of your essence, it has lifelong presence that even doing what they call
reminiscing, can't surpass living without missing what they have been reminiscing. . .
i cherish you beyond what little faith can teach about having bigger faith, when all my hopes
ride faithful slopes without elongated stops and rope bearing hopes. . .
my life i see to the extent to remorse only what some feel beyond scope of too openly. . .
but how can i retreat on what i can't stop to feel to protect you from, to their heads we are getting closely. . .
how in the scope of your first essence, can i give up to give way to ruin such pure essence. . .

i understand the world makes a feeling for such pure feeling is counted by blessings. . .
and in order for us to make it, that thought i feel senseless baking . . .constant roll of assorted
reasons for why we bleed to them treasons . . .for how can i express, how simple love doesn't
just digress, or something with time you invest. . .it's simply have been a joy of building
together a foundation for our nest. . .**** the rest. . .**** the pest. . .the world is the best
when sleepers are put to rest and the spark of commune are dwellers dwelling on these mischivers'
locked up chest. . .
to find out that darling. . .you simply are a joy to give me whole, that i'm not uninspired troll
reluctant to breath beside the one he placed his greed upon. . .or her, or it. . but all the essence
is closed and beat, by some known with ideals humanity can't consider too farfetched to bare to grit. . .
and sway to the essence that i hold in my glances. . .are as simple as these branded constructed norms
that most tend to manipulate and distort to one contorted form. . . .so all can bend into one socket for 365
degree view that most tend to agree. . .but never really see.

i know it's many there with this essense around the breeze of an aura, that simply are stranded too far apart by such horror.. .
to relent their essence with their prescence. . .to whom Barbarians find the essence is planted full on messes.
but how can we relate to such things darling. . .when the first glow of your essence showed me life full
of memories by the smile in your eyes, glowing beauty of any sort. . .i feel the world will someday . . .
take flight. . .in my way, but **** that. . .i'm to speak when my message is too simple, provoked only by the
thought, "protect the world its miser mother has been beaten". . .i can never relent, the message that is never
but to contradict what's life has not eaten. . .because of the times put to squares, living life, fostering a step back, into recluce. . .these biches wont even
say cause their too ****. . .to figure out that there's a worrior to stump them pleaded sheets out of wood. . .
i say this out for your sarcasm, elongated this song a bit to give you big ******. . .so when you repose, you
think nothing but what side are the pro's. . .and enter them into oblivion, grasping each by the billion, how
can i repose for i know, without one word it is and has been always come down to the special chosen million. . .

because my darling, i feel the miser that this essence in me you inspire, is up and target for no good. . .for
these pleaded fockers granted themselves unrelentless priveleges for centuries, changing diepers to giving
blood diamond marriages. . .riding on what they call prestine carriages. . .oh what,you don't recognize this
what the world has come to building from everybody's demise. . .feeding on high rise. . .splitting cots in the
rots, most alluded with plots and continued building upon the essence of you, keeping you stewed, brewing up a flu. . .
to this day when i met you. . .
will never cease your memory by only that it was circumstance. . .romance among thieves denying our chance to dance. . .
with one glance, their world just plopped a chance. . .for i know they know who im refering to, without a glance
i'm sure they feel my stance just to look **** eyed puking. . .**** blocking their world to rocking, while else where goes to foster under
this ugly monster. . .stooped on a porch ******* their air, without any underwear. . .haha must be due to how
much pull goes to their hair. . .how do i, they feel ****** diddlidy ****, what, is this person a human or a
restored frame of mind living. . .i can't be what's in my eyes to be believing, but i simply am retarted man. . .
a ******* rough psychological fighting bluff, to them i would. . .but trust me, how could i in my life, i
never could.. . .fall to false pretention, that life is a great invention, that my desire's are for simple
hires. . .for i know my life evolves around that which your first essence, darling, we built stronger everyday
to our future of what we call present. . .

life with you, i simply can't resent. . .but figure out what's best
to make what we don't need to make. . . because the essence uproots life's shrivel of what they call romances. . .
rooting upward from the seed we planted on the day people deside to bleed
all over the notion, that this emotion they conquered stems from shot of elixir handed down from the heavens by
some they call cupid fixer. . .relentless, they push through many dances. . .all so strained and constricted by many
glances, restricting their free essence to feel in whole their life is shot down by simple messes. . . .
but you, none taken, broken and mistaken. . .how can simple things be so. . .when you know my essence for you is
far greater then what one instance can remark for the whole, i feel simply. . .protect you from their hole and
bind you with my essence that strives in whole. . .even through tormenting lonely dances. . .when i saw the world an ugly form. . .
nowhere to want to run to, or feel
resentment.. . where's life going to go. . .if my essence in a whole feeds you. . .away to their
mysterious goal. . .i wouldn't have the patience to ***** their abnormal pretence, as if life is sweet with
such mysterious fowl. . .create little thought to create bigger picture, many aditions just create tensities
among those who bicker, loosing control each time only quicker. . .that's why it's never lesser to speak for the lesser
dresser, or the person they showed you, that looked like he ******* told you, but instead they made the mistake
to grow lower. . . cowering even bolder. . . what **** is the point of that. . .to say it none meeker as if its meant to outcast the bleeker
. . .i'm not that so. . .to scowl like fowl crackhead, loosing self reliance to gr

Bragging
Insane
Tradgedy
Cunt
H**ell

At first I hear snarls, "Nice
jeans, ******!" although I'm
sure they don't include any
punctuation when ragging
on my anorexic pants
as if my jeans have anything
to do with my sexuality as if
the color of skin had anything
to do with last week's mugging
as if Catholics didn't once
**** for religion.

As I sit outside “Motherhood Maternity” store
in the comfy chairs.  Waiting for sticky buns,
writing thoughts of what some call poetry.
The little mothers-to-be go in,
smiling and happy.
Some waddle in, others still may have
that FUN coming in the future.
They are fun to observe
all expectant like.  Anticipating
the new life growing inside -
BOY?  GIRL?  Of course some
wanting it OVER - NOW!
And I can see why.

Then, occasionally there is a parent
passing by, ragging on their child
over nothing.  Making life miserable
for all within hearing distance.  
Destroying the young spirit.
I'll bet they were not smiling like the others
going into “Motherhood”.  Maybe they
are looking forward to eighteen and
want it to happen – NOW!  Poor kid.

You followed down through the gathered pages
to the  labyrinth that leads back through the changes
A long and twisted line of unmapped rivers,
*** holed low-roads and tattered mileposts
glancing homeless back-alleys as dark as lonely crossroads

Past the broken wings that fell from skyward treetops
scattered feathers amongst rose petals wilted
at the hand of tear stained faded photos
of frozen black and white faces;
hidden ghosts in the closet that fell from grace

The pathway narrows where the traces dissipate
passing under burning bridges, beneath locked stairwells
A fickle feather floating upon rivers ragging
like the hubris disconnectedness of time rolling out to sea ―
Shadows growing darkest as you reach the blackest silence
and you kept the answers to all the questions at arms length
hidden in the darkness ― where you saw love disfigure me

It was then and there I knew I'd dreamed of someone like you
looking for someone more than I could ever be
Just an unsated curiosity,    trying to see beyond
your own misunderstanding,   to feel and touch
an unknown depth beyond  reach

As sunset pales the distantness, the night is yours alone
when  tomorrow's  morning  rain
hangs  on  the  falling  leaves       ―       I’ll  be  gone
Just a wayfaring loner in a lonely world

Where rivers are only water
                                         and love was once a flowing river
I thirst to swallow ― 
                                         to wash away these tracks of my tears ...


                                      rivers ... 2017

Bonfires ragging
Cigars blazing
Beers Cracking
Lake Erie Fishing
Country Music
Blaring

Leaves Falling Off Trees

When the leaves fall from the trees
I start to think of you and me,
the sun moved upon on the land
In a gentle kind of way,
my emotions are getting stronger
while the pains made way,
I remembered how we dance around
on those wet autumn leaves,
we laugh so happily,
we felt the wind creeping upon our skin,
We watch all the colored leaves fall
in their own beauty,
with time our lives started growing colder,
you started acting bolder,
the words of love never really came up
because we fought to much
about the little stuff,
The day became shorter, and the nights
seem to last longer in rage,
the ground out side is white
the trees are frozen like we,
the freezing wind rolling around again,
I would set alone crying so much
My tears would fall
like the leaves of autumn,
all our desire left that year,
when you gave me all that fear,
the beauty of our love, left that year
in a storm of rag,
darkness returned to me on those
days of falling leaves,
on those cold dark nights
I could see the lighting strike,
across the sea of you and me
into a world of darken dreams,
the old ancient moon hanged around
in that sad late June,
the rain would fall like teardrops
with our names on them,
while the summer fading into fall,
my heart broke just a little more,
winter made its way at my door,
I could still hear your voice
ragging war,

Poetic Judy Emery © 2011
The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Lilly Emery

There is nothing we can do at all
to indemnify our weary souls and hearts
against the first love of a reconstructed us.

That one speck in trillions becomes the universe
and we can ignore the burning warning
in our scared skin and strained corneas.

Shelters built for bruised bodies
refuge for split, shattered souls
tires in its use like veins sick of medicine.

Still we are falling again and again
into ragging red and yellow fury
into endless gaping oblivion.

Until deepest depths no longer crush
and sky haven heights no longer suffocate
we shall risk the ravages of hope.

Ever thought how these four years would turn out for you??

Classes, proxies and birthday surprises,

Or ‘Junior– senior’ interaction which was a ragging in disguise!

The unlimited Gangtok trips-

Which was a first step towards your relationships!

Momos, Thukpas, Jalebi and Falay,

Which you would have it without any delay!



Kaalrav or departmental fest,

Which you would attend with utter zest!

The 6.9 turbulence-

Causing a whole lot of turbulence!

People seeming like refugees-

With no phone networks to contact friends, relatives and families!

Those 14 tiring sessionals in total

Which you crossed, thinking it to be a hurdle!

The placement tension-



And getting a job was the ultimate question!



Aahhh! These four years of igniting memories are just too wonderful,

Which  are definitely unforgetful!!!
(Meanings : Kaalrav- College fest
Momos, Thukpa, Jalebi and Falay- local cuisines in the state of Sikkim, India
Sessional- mid-sems)

Bruising,kicking,clubbing,
chanting,ranting,yelling,
from afar their judgement is pronounced,
scourging,ravaging,encompassed,
their foes enmassed,
as their woes crawles to them.
Ensnared in rageous mobbing.

No attention given,
Brutally abased at fraternities delight,
Blood splitting,
Blood gushing,
sands soaks in blood,
as of mud from heavy downpour,
fraternities yelling,mobs cheering.
As their lynching delights them all.

No saviour!
No mercy!
Woe!
Woe!
Woe!
They rants in accord,
from their chamber miserable voices screams.
Only but whispers heard,
in cold fatique voices.
One said i am
not guilty!
another said we
only came
to collect what
he owed me!
Another said i
live in heaven
where milk and
honey flows
i lack nothing,i
am innocent
another said
yesterday
i paid my
tuition,i paid my
dues i am
innocent.

In cold blooded,
lynched them
all.

their hell fire
came to them
alive
they were burnt
they were
wasted
as of unwanted
beasts!
oh! Aluu what
have you done?!
Who were those
innocent 4 you
killed??
Don't you know
the pain of
mothers labour
at birth?!
They are not
different from
you
they feel pain!
they feel torture!
they feel torment!
wont you
scream if i club
you?
won't you flee if
i burn you fire?!

They sought to
flee
they sought to
hide
they pled for
mercy
but you were
their miserable
nightmares!
You were there
foes ragging in
woes massacre!!!
The boys were
your children
they were your
brothers
oh! Merciless
Aluu!!!
What have you
done to the
futures untold?

Sauntering by the edge of a calm sea,
I thus squinted through the mirror of time,
And there, I beheld memories of us,
Ebbing like a wave to a distant clime;
Wistfully I saw our golden moments,
Ineffable moments we once relished,
Away vanishing by ragging torrents,
Yonder sea where they'll never be reached;
But, betwixt my despair I beheld clear
Shadows of my heart despite cold as frost,
In a jiffy erupted with sheer pleasure
On sojourning to our sweet golden past;

Truly true love dawns once in a life time,
And in a lover's heart ever doth chime.


©Kikodinho Edward Alexandros
Jumeira, Dubai
7th June 2017

“Cold…dark, January no doubt. Crystallized gasps hold in the air, indiscriminately juggling between transparency, and opacity. Inhale and cringe as the stifling breeze moves deep, penetrating bone. Shell shocked in a state of disarray, wheezing, and coughing, as the cruel chill proves too much. Hold fast, buckling against bus stops, feeding off the warmth from sewers as they cough up hot, rancid steam. Bathing in the fumes, collecting sweat. Step out from sanctuary to discover that bitter wind that eastern wind, which carries with it a victimizing frost, designed to paralyze movements, to stagnate the course towards salvation. Stumble…fall to the blank canvas bellow, imprint on it the vague outline of the carcass, then move on, holding high, beyond that cold, dark, January.”

Blankness, complete and utter blankness, no smile, no course stare, just blankness, complete and utter blankness.

“Does anyone have any questions or comments? No? All right, you may take a seat Mr. Ryier.”

Is it mockery? Am I the victim of some vast highbrow jest? Is this a period of intentional silence, one designed to brew up this self-doubt roaming about my mind on a destructive and wholly unnecessary cycle?”

“Next up…we have, Mrs. Kennison, reading another poem, I believe. Is that correct?”

“Yes Mrs. Fiordine, It’s called Grasshoppers.”

“Wonderful title, but would you please head to the front of the class to start. Mr. Ryier, did your…piece, have a title?”

“Yes ma’am, ‘Incendiary Delusions On The Effect Of A Cold Temperament’.”

“A bit wordy. We’ll go with cold, dark January. Pay attention now though, Mrs. Kennison is about to begin.”

This woman, this mentor, whose name I can, but won’t recall, I loathe her, and the ability she fosters not just in herself, but others. That thing that has her speak falsehoods with a smile, and to act pleased when riddled with agonizing pain. A monstrous creation she is, and just as Dr. Frankenstein, she yearns for the day when she can cast down her aspersions onto a vacant shell before here, breeding her cruelty into the hollow mind, knowing one day it will come forth, a wholly more monstrous creation, destined to march along a dotted path, until coming across their own pupil, or kin.

“Grasshoppers…they hop…hop right along, in and out of my life, just like David. David, that man I loved, that fleeting hopeless soul, that 28 to my 16, that hold me down, take my pristine, that tie me up, finger licked clean. Where, why, how could you be born with wings, why could I not tether you, or lock you in a cage? David, oh David, my fleeting grasshopper.”

Them, they show excitement, applause, ragging applause. Me, I’m stuck debating the poetic merits of statutory ****, and the indignant need for teenage girls and boys to listlessly portray their life and love as some haphazard, poorly assembled recreation of a renaissance era romance. True love is dead; it died when you let a 28-year-old finger your *******.

“What a stupendous piece Mrs. Kennison! Evokes such images in the mind. Provoking me towards an entangled and banned place of thought. Truly stupendous.”

I want to hit a woman for the first time in my life. Should I? No doubt I shouldn’t. Still, temptation has a way of overwhelming logic. Clenched fist…white knuckles, second thought, dropped hand.

“Best of the day, no doubt Mrs. Kennison. Clear you knew what you were doing. Are there any questions, comments? Yes, Mr. Unner?”

“I believe the piece had a lot of merit. It was clear that this poem, in particular, had a sense of clarity…I guess I’m trying to say I liked it. I liked it because it seemed you knew at least where it was going, and what it was going to be.”

Try harder perhaps, she’s be bound to fall right into your lap, light up with a playful squeeze, bow down, and suckle from her knees. Delusions of enlightenment at the realization of a hardened ****, stuttered compliments of a flirtatious nature, elevating a worthless stock. Holding a vigil to a fictional ****** locked in-between the realms of fantasy and ****, negligent minded to the forthcoming, inevitable scorn.

“I don’t agree, to me, the piece seemed as though Beatrice was trying to perpetuate the delusion men have of being able to break a naïve, young girl’s heart.”

“Superb point Mr. Arden, though it isn’t up to the artist to define the message, that responsibility lays with the reader.”

The girl, Kennison, this newly appointed poetic iconoclast, she breaks her proud stare with the teacher, and glances over at Mr. Arden, Ralph, with a doting look. Mr. Unner, Charlie, not happy with this, not one bit. His heart was broken; he had fallen in and out of love in less than 30 seconds.

“Another comment from Mr. Unner, what is it you have to say?”

“I retract my earlier statement, it was foolish. I hadn’t gone deeper than surface level. The poem is nothing, it’s a forgery mimicking the talents of someone gifted, someone capable of writing something of worth. What we have here is a case of blonde hair, crooked teeth.”

“Charlie!”

“Mrs. Kennison, please, you must stay calm during a critique, Mr. Unner has his right to an opinion. Mr. Arden, something to add?”

“Yes Mrs. Fiordine, I believe what we actually have here, is a brilliant piece, something so wise, so grand, that it goes beyond second, third, forth glance, it transgresses the boundaries of scholastic worth. It is an insurmountable achievement.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Unner, I know you’d like to make another comment, but we simply have too many pieces left to go. Time just won’t allow for it. Please, take your seat Mrs. Kennison.”

Marching casually, soaking up complimentary looks like *** and candy, the anointed artist holds high, perched on her plateaued vanity. Contemplate laying down a foot in the isle. Disrupt the whole parade. Good will holds me back; move on as the teacher gets things on track.

“Mrs. Enid, please, go forth and delight us with your work.”

The girl walks up, hunched, biting her lip raw. Tremors, pulse through her like shivers, sporadically giving her movement odd twinges. She stands, before her peers, terrified by their eyes, holding on the cusp of cruelty. She feels ugly. She looks ugly.

“I’m here, though vision may not allow for it. Take me in, wholehearted, in a look, in glance, just don’t glare. Don’t beat me down with your beady eyes, holding me accountable for your own lack of vision, believing my person, my appearance, to be some misfortune cast onto you. It’s my damnation. It’s my curse. I struggle with it; you just need to avert your eyes. Is that what I’ve become though, someone to look away from. If so, hold me accountable, **** me for my looks, scorn and belittle me, just glance my way, and don’t treat me like I’m not in the room.”

“Amanda, that was really great. A great poem. Now…questions comments. Yes, Mr. Arden?”

“Boo…go weep yourself to sleep, dreaming about what it’d be like to not look like a monster.”

“Charlie!”

“I’m sorry Mr. Fiordine, but her face, and the ugliness carried on it, that was all in her poem. I think that makes it fair game.”

“Any other comments…”

“Boo…”

“Please, stop, whoever did it. This is not the place for such cruelty.”

There it was, the teacher’s out. The avoidance of on property bullying, through the acknowledgment of not an end to the torment, but rather a delay, it was brilliant…in a cowardly sort of way.

“Amanda, you may take a seat…would anyone else like to share?”

Clumsy, her feet seem to stick together as she makes her way towards the desk in the back corner of the room, away from people, away from the windows, away from the light. The hierarchy notice, they’re weary of her positioning, fearful of the dreadful, inevitable fall from grace, a fall which would bring them to that place, the spot at the back of the room, where no one goes, and no one looks.
It sits there, at the back. No one knows whose there, whose listening. They just know the occupants aren’t wanted.
A young man stands before the class; he speaks from a page in a monotone voice, barely accentuating his alternating rhyming scheme.  There’s a stop, people screaming. A trail of blood pooled up in a low in the floor, it’s origins lie with Amanda, in that space at the back of the room, that place no one looked, no one wanted to go, that cold, dark, January.

I am the beautiful brown bear almost
golden, I wonder richly in contentment
around my mountain.
Like a monk I have humbleness and
touch my inner boundaries softly like
head snuggling a cushion.
I hold around me almost gingerly
the perfect blanket as I know the
importance of comfort.
I am the forever revolving river of time I
the the body of Vilvaldi's four seasons.
As I role cycle within cycle cog within cog
push against me you push against the
whole of nature.

I am not a strong soul but a weak as
I peep shyly through tiny eye holes
of my body.
You may know I am the master of cosy
cuddles and sleep for there is a reason you
give teddies to your children.
But cross the boundaries of my body and
you will find me as ferocious as a Lion
As you do not disturb me when sleeping
as you would not wake a volcanic mountain.
I am the deepest darkest cave as *** and
survival live some where on the outside.
Place your weapons by the door as all
defences are discarded as you drop
into this black silky bed.

I am a tiny mouse living in a great castle
a little pea rattling around a giant body.
I am a feather caught by the mighty wind
a drop of water in the oceanic sea as my body
always over powers me.
I surrender meekly one tiny white flag in front
of a huge ragging army.  
It is as though the night had a hand and with a
flick of a switch I am turned swiftly off.
While a heavenly goddess rolls sweetly into my
mattress.

I am the servant of my body who in turn is
the pupil of the mountain the assistant of
mother nature ruled by almighty God .
Las tin line I have humility as I know obeying
my body is also obeying God.
So I maybe last into the world but I am also first
into heaven.
As I show tender love for my body with my
observance she responds with her sensory
comforts.
We love and closeness to my body I receive
the perfect partnership

And when spring time comes my body palpates
and draws me forward itself dragged by a nose
ring the smell of salmon.
And when the body decides to attach I am in the back
carriage as wild horse gallop forward.
As I sometimes find I water ski through the summer
off my bodies collossal energy.
I love natures four seasons as on the dance floor I spiral
with my partner.
As we rush with excitement into spring and gently let go
into Autumn, like a pebble dropping down a well into the
winter fall.

I am a creature so intimate with nature my soul
can sometimes not tell the difference between
me and the mountain.

There is so much to learn from the beautiful bear
who lives gently with nature like a blanket and
sheet they lie perfectly together.

My heart
Has no love
You cant destroy what was never there

Your heart
Has love
You make me laugh
You make me sick
Love is nothing but a camouflage of what resembles ragging in

My smile was taken long ago
I am to dark to care
I thought I'd tell you
My heart is a mist of darkness
Just incase you didn't know

You'll always forget me
But
Even with a dark heart
Even with no love
I'll always beg
Beg for you to
forget me not

I cannot love you
For I have no love
So please pack your bags and leave
But don't let me know
I'll sip my alcohol and slit my throat

O these trust issues will be the death of me
Don't really fear much
But with you there's much to fear
O when will the time come
When I find out you lied to me
O how deep does your rabbit hole of secrets go
O I wonder if I even want to know
What have you done
O how much will it scar me
I know wounds heal
But what about the scared tissue beneath the skin
O how bad will it be
Never feared a broken heart
O but how broken would it be
Would the pieces be swept up by the ragging wind?
O would they be cast in different direction
Only speculation is my friend
O these trust issues will be the death of me

Through out the night the thunder roars and strikes,.
Even though I hate storms, but since you are here.
Leading me through it, I know that you are my protection.
Nothing is going to happen that we cant handle together.
So I shall allow you to lead me through this ragging storm.
You lead me with your perfect love through this darkness.
When you are with me nothing could ever get close enough to hurt me.
So with knowing that you are my Guardian protector Lord God.
I shall go through this storm with a smile upon my face tonight.

I stood there mute
Words harnessed in my throat ragging against the cage of reason
But I could not hurt you
The way you have hurt me

The deep trenches of doubt
The bleeding **** of shame
And the liquid infection of your love

My love
And its mutated form
Eatting away at the insides of my mind
Heart a black mass of rotted feted meat

But I could not hurt you
With the words I wanted to scream
With the torement of my soul
The tearing of scarred
Lightly burned insides

I could not wound you
With the lash of my angered tongue
The righteous injustice I have felt
For my own sake

I could not make you anguish
Over love like I have done
Still do and will do
Until you decide you don't need me

Even with you standing
There on in the gravel lot
Breath a warm cloud
And eyes sincere
Questioning me

Asking me
What you have done wrong
What you deserved to know

But I could not hurt you
With the truth
With the pretty lies
Or with honest half's

So I said nothing
Breathed deep
And tried not to cry
Looking away
Off into the setting sun

I could not hurt you

Warm lips on forehead crown
Hands touching
A face drawn in reluctant tears
A chest
The pleated plaid of button down
Steady rhythm of heart

I could not hurt you

My unpredictable rock
Tearing me down
Building me up
Tripping my tongue
And trapping my thought

I could not hurt you
My weakest spot.

There came a tapping at my door
as evening shadows crossed the floor.
Upon my throwing of the latch
a wind the door blew from my grasp.
On my stoop why there did stand
A strange enigma of a man.
his ruddy lips were quite out of place
with the paleness of his face.
His head did sit on a long elegant neck.
He wore impeccably well his suit from Strohm & Beck.  
His feet were incased in the finest red leather.
With golden threads they were sewn together.
When he did ask if he might enter within
His voice was gravely as though in use it had rarely been.
I bowed and bade of him to warm himself by my fire.
For to deny his request I instinctively knew would be dire.
I offered up a glass of Bond,
Which I am well known for being very fond.
He raised his hand to politely refuse.
I noticed he was looking slightly amused.
I grasp my glass of double scotch neat
and tried to look calm as I took a seat.
He then sat back relaxed deep in my favorite chair.
What he said next did on end stand my hair.
"I am Death." he simply stated as fact.
I must admit, I tossed my double Bond straight back.
"I see". I replied trying my nerves to quell.
"I have heard about you." There! I thought that sounded quite well.
A grating chuckle he then did give out.
"I have come for you Sir." I then passed clean out.
Upon my regaining my senses I saw,
sadly I had not been dreaming after all.
There the man Death did simply sit.
Just looking at me as though I were a half wit.
"You misunderstood me dear Sir,
I come for conversation, as it were."
Well now that just befuddled me all the more.
I covertly judged my distance to the door.
"As you may well imagine as happening,
the ones I collect aren't up for chatting."
Well I could surely understand
I doubted I would have want to talk as a dead man.
I decided I might as well go ahead and ask.
As it seemed of my senses, I was suddenly lack.
"Why did you happen to select me?"
"When more scholarly men I know there to be."
His bottomless eyes gave nothing away
as the ends of his mouth slowly curved he did say.
"You have a certain... shall we say flair" He stated while he chuckled
"For being a man who stays in his cups." Oh, now that did rankle.
"So no matter how much you swear tonight the truth
no one will believe, they'll assume you were....juiced."
he settled back deep into the plush chair whileI rankled.
Stretched out his long legs and crossed them at the ankle.
"Do you like my boots?" Wiggling his feet and gestured with his thumb,
all the while acting as if we were the best of chums.
"Why yes, they are the finest made I'll wager. Where did you get them?
No! I don't need to know. But I bet I can guess not from some beggar."
And so the night continued on with a storm ragging
and our idle conversation never went lagging.
We spoke of books and fishing holes.
Lovers lanes and Political moles.
He beat me in a game of chess.
But it is at cards, that I cheat best.
He inquired of the widow Clarke.
I told him about the neighbors dog that barks.
he said he couldn't help me there,
The dog wasn't slated in until next year.
Slowly dawn began to rise.
I could barely hold open my eyes.
When finally he rose to take his leave,
A cold kiss on my forehead he gave to me.
I am sure I stood there in open mouthed shock
While he faded from sight calling "See you tonight at 10 O'clock.
Now for the rest of the day I have a full on quandary to fear.
When the clock strikes ten, was he coming to converse or to collect me from here?

crushing dabs
like Brits with ****
ragging on the braggarts
for being *******
mastering fascism
like I’m in a classroom  
learning to bridegroom
and lower the boom
eating shrooms
faster than a pig truffling
feathers ruffling
feet shuffling
feeling the scruff again
as I rub my chin
and I begin mashing the rascals
and stashing the raffle wins
like at Bingo hassling
the troll doll queen
bout to bring this to a ring
and sing to all ya’ll songs
of wax and things…..

She is just like any other, only she harbors a dark secret inside.
On the outside she smiles and laughs, but within she has already died.
But hey, smile, make them believe the lie.
I bet you didn't know, all she does at night is cry.
But hey we all have our secrets, I bet even you bury them within.
She isn't dead, because she was raised to believe Suicide is a sin.

She goes to the only safe haven she knows, words.
They sing the most beautiful song of the birds.
They wrap her up nice and tight.
They hold her until everything in the world is right.
Words are the most beautiful thing in her world, the only thing.
They ease the pain of the blade, take away its sting.

Nothing matters when she falls into the world of words.
She finds a sanctuary with the nerds.
There is a hole left in her soul.
She is searching for her missing piece to finally be whole.
She has a secret even bigger than the storm ragging through her mind..
She has battle scars covering he whole body, they are  unkind.

The horrific scene on her body is nothing like the damage in her head.
her body is cloaked in dread, she knows she should be dead.
They bully her more than anyone knows..
That's probably because it never shows.
Haven't you ever wondered about the sweatshirts and pants?
They way she moves as though she is in a trance?

Going through the motions, holding together a shattered life.
She drags the blade of a knife...
It takes a lot to hold together the razor edged pieces of a broke heart.
She is a masterpiece, a true work of art.
The angels made her special, inside and out.
Best believe she will make it through this world, no doubt.

The pain will one day subside.
She will know she could have always done more; tried..
She won't give up, because a few don't want her to be on this earth.
She will stay, fulfill her dreams, be a mother; prove she has worth.
This isn't the ending, but a whole new beginning, one she will choose.
It will all begin with Love as her muse.

When you finally grasp the spiritual warfare tactics of the evil one.
When you finally take back control over your own mind and keep it.
When you finally realize where the true war is happening at .
When you finally allow Gods word to soothe and control your mind.
Then you shall become a victorious spiritual warrior for our God.
So many people whom walk around clueless to what is happening.
But there is a battle ragging in each of our minds every single day.
We have to decide on whom are we giving control of our minds to.
Are we going to give our thoughts to Jesus or the **** satan.

Anger flows through me. It's rapid and unstoppable. Savage waves of strong emotion perform furious tosses and turns inside me. They are maddening, and yet still majestic. I can't take them out. They will take over me and I wont be able to do anything about it. They can't transform into tears; I'm too angry. Ragging flames can't turn into water. Oh my, what shall I do? My fingers twitch nervously trying to find a solution. My hands know it before my brain can process it and I grab a nearby pen.
I grab the aching pencil and a poor notebook that was there at the wrong time. My victims are waiting to be messengers of my dilemmas. Writing tool in hand, I fiercely attack the innocent paper. Rage pours from my soul to my hand and through the pen, to end up in the form of not-so-neatly-written letters. Words start to take form, and later on, sentences. Those sentences are screaming so loud but they are silenced, trapped in the sheet of paper. My words are are charged with everything that once was in inside me, poisoning me and my objective view of life. Words flow from my fingers in fast, impatient movements. I'm anxious, but it will be over soon.
I stop. It's all out. Now that all of that, all my frustration, is all in the ink-marked paper. It looks at me in disgust, as the inky traces try to make their way out of the paper. They liked it better here. They had a more audible voice, they think? Not so true.
Every ounce of negativity has now left me and I'm exhausted but happy.
I relax and fall into the mattress of my comfy bed in the soundless night, and smile to myself.
My angry thoughts (turned into words) are shouting at me from the floor, where I left them, I can't help to laugh at the sight.
I sigh contentedly and drift off to a dreamless, unperturbed sleep.
Detached form my pessimism.
*Happy.

It's now free,
          Ragging over the ocean.
                        Like it doesn't belong with me,
                                 The fight has just begun.
     There's something inexplicable
About that feeling I have.
There's something terrible
About that feeling I hide.

     Holding your heart in my palm,
        Ready to reload.
                   Shaking like a ticking bomb,
                Ready to explode.


                   I can't say it makes me happy,
    I think I'm going mad.
                                                            The Golden Storm has gotten all over me,
                     I can't say it makes me sad.

     Angel ? Evil ?

Panic
Pulsing of the heart
So violently loud
Thick blood
Pumping through blue veins

Unnamed captives
Built in the chest
Crumbling
Battle of broken souls

Hands against ears
As eyelids squeeze shut
The sound of guns
Breaking
A ragging warrior

Hear pain
Against words
Breaths against the chest
Beginning
Beginning for
Hot, sweat, hurt

Drowsy eyes pry open
Hands wipe tears
The moment is over
Beauty lies
Within fear

I stand with all those who fought for just cause
I give my ink to solidify their spirit
And energized their body and soul
I support their long walk to freedom

And hope they spread like dandelions
Drinking bowful water to quench their thirst
Which shall be hitchfree from slave guards
Please I need water to drink just a drink

I came from a community water is scarce
It is a trading commodity sold with pence
Dirt mud dances as we fetch
Alum so expensive only few can perch

We leech as fly just to get a drop
Ragging with thuds of defiance soul
Carry their cattle to drink the spring as a spoil
****** situation it turns and boil

As blood spreads so we drink
I need a water as a sink
Please come to my community and make a drill so we wouldn't be sick
In long run life it will save and stalk

Give a simple drop so we can cook
For years I feed on fruits that are poison
Cut in diseases of fluke worms
And guinea worms drag for a feed

They chase for spaces as they soul rely
I am a living dead my body reply
Waiting for last drop perhaps it may revamp as it rain
My foreclosure day might be dark

Please a water might sing thousands of song
For if I give my soul away I hope my message will reach many and touch their hearts to give us a drop as gong

by Martin Ijir

Wind
The voice of the world
The songs of the mountains
It's a beautiful melody
Filled with swirling storms
Consumed with so much emotion
It's like a flowing volcano
Ragging with strong emotion
Letting it slip out ever so beautifully

The wind blows with insanity
My mind where can it be

A war inside of me
its ragging like the sea

Trapped inside my mind
just trying to get free

Oh, I have searched.
And oh how I have searched
for one such as you my dear love.
Oh, the struggles, and the pain, and the heartache
and how there is no creature
upon the whole earth
for which I have felt
such passionate burning love.
Oh, a ragging fire burns within me!
Oh, holy angel of my desire.
Oh, my angel sent down from heaven
how you make me burn in my desire.
Oh, the fire that burns within!
Oh, the eternal love I feel!
How can I tell?!
Oh, how can I find the words?!
No hear has ever beat for a mortal woman
as mine has for you.
I embrace you
and gaze into your eyes.
They seem to shine
as through my passion I see you.
Oh, they seem to shine  through my love
as the finest transparent gold
that paves the streets of heaven so sweet.
I burn for you. Oh, I burn for you!
I feel I shall burst asunder!
Oh, my heart seems to say,
"Oh, how wrong! Oh, how wrong!
that I should  forbidden
to express this fiery love
a passion that shall melt my very bones!
Oh, angel! Oh, angel! Oh, my sweet angel!!
A passion! A love!  Beyond the power of my tongue to express.
Oh, I am insane! Oh, my love for you.
Oh, how it has made me insane!
All my life and all my being
I lay at your feet
for I am dead without you.
Oh, my sweet sacred love
my sweet angel
how I long to live with you forever
my dear love
or I shall die this cold and cruel death
without you dear love.