You always told me to stay strong! You told me it's not manly to show I'm in pain, as a child I understood you were referring to the times where you brought me to the skatepark and told me that if I didn't drop in off the quarter pipe I was grounded and I fell, I fell, I fell, I fell I was covered in scrapes but I had to keep a straight face because IT WASNT MANLY TO SHOW MY PAIN. You were referring to the times that I'd get hit with the ball up at bat and I'd fall, youd scream from behind the fence "Get up and get to first base! Did I raise a son or a daughter!"
I'd get up and I'd walk... Then from behind I'd hear you, like you had a face on the back of my head like I was Professor Quirrell and you were He Who Shall Not Be Named "HUSSEL CONNOR FOR GOD SAKES HUSSEL" and I'd do it, I'd always do it because I thought it would change our rides home, the ones where you'd just ignore me until I tried to talk and then you'd just tell me what I did wrong, what I need to work on and that when I get home I better get my *** in the backyard and practice with my brothers. Instead of wasting my time on "Those ******* Video Games Connor!"
You told me it wasn't manly to show I'm in pain! I took it as its not okay to feel pain. So I ignored it, I ignored it until it grew to the size of you, to the shape of you, with your voice, your tattoos, your way of presenting yourself that made me feel so inferior. It grew to be you, to big to ignore it watched over my shoulder when I was with friends, it made me feel it before you did, like when
You reminded why I stayed in my room to avoid walking downstairs because I knew you'd have something to say, you always had something to say, that would ruin my day in a way you could never understand, it reminded me why I stayed in bed till 2pm, it reminded me why I play my games and drown out your voice when I play my music. You reminded me.
It was in a Sunday when I my 13 year old that I gained the courage after you told me to go to my room that I said, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU DONT GET IT! YOU NEVER LET ME TALK!
!POW! Like a superhero comic book the sound echoed through my brain after you put me on the floor and it took me a moment to realize, you hit me, you laid your hand across my face the same one mom would, except you put too much force and it made my ears ring and my cheek sting. My hand rose to my cheek and you yelled PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN! And !POW! Again. Then you said "DONT YOU EVER TALK BACK TO ME AGAIN WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THIS IS MY HOUSE!"
I cried, you told me "Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to" but you didn't understand you never stopped giving me reasons to.
You told me "ITS NOT MANLY TO SHOW YOURE IN PAIN"
Explains why you was like a brick wall. You must have never felt pain.
Now I know I have, so can you tell me how I was strong enough to break through you
