So here I am, not sure what to write
The words are eluding me

Thought about a love song
But surely I would get that one wrong

Prehaps I should write about Suzie
And how she has broken my heart

Prehaps I should write about Society
With all its ills and wrongs

Prehaps I should write about my sad, sad life
But then I wouldn't know where to start

Prehaps I should write about my addictions
But then I would just want to get high

I am not sure what to do now
As the words are eluding me..

Was willst du, was brauchst du?
- what do you want? What do you need?

Would the smell of my hair,
Or touch of my hand surfice?
Or prehaps solve everything?
Or do you need more?

Possibly the sound of my breath,
Could ease your beating heart;
Heavy and upset.

Or the taste of my lips against your own,
your neck,
your skin
- prehaps that could help to still your sense of unease,
Your certainty that nothing is quite how it should be.

And if not, my dear,
If all my attempts remain futile,
And lead to no bettering
The last I have to offer are my eyes.
Look deep, lover,
Pull me apart, piece by piece,
bit by bit
- and do not be frightened by what you see.
Until no doubt remains that you know every colour,
line and speck and space.

Then tell me, sweet one,
Is it all gone?

As she sunk down to depths of herself
Her arms were weak and fragile just like her spirt.
She was close to letting go of the only pieces
of herself that made her happy.

Then... Suddenly he was there.
He pulled her up from her drowning state
even when her eyes her full of her pain.
Miles separated them as did years.. and yet
he was  simply there.

He claimed he was just a guy...
but to her... he was so much more
He had in a few days time help mend the
tattered and torn expections of friendships
and even unknowingly helped her stitch up
some of the wounds that covered her back and her heart.

She didn’t know that friends existed.. not like this one
She told him he was wonderful
and he told her she was amazing
and for one of the first times in her life she believed the words

Thanks and compliments seemed to poor from her heart
and for once she didn’t breath so heavy
with the counting the number of days before his departure
but simply opened herself up
and let part of the little girl out that she had trapped there long ago.

She found she wasn’t so angry and
the fear didn’t eat her like it use to.
blushing over took her cheeks
and smiles spread across her lips like
a pink rose in the midst of spring

She couldn’t help but feel good inside and out
when they talked
and hearing his voice for even seconds was better.
She knew with this person
she had found not only a friend
but  a brother
someone who gave a **** about her.
Who saved from herself.
Or maybe helped her save herself.
Which she wasn’t sure.

All she knew as that she once thought
that finding a person to click with was rare. 
And now she knew that the real challege was finding someone
how you bonded with and connected with..
Who was willing to give more than take.
And that’s what she found.
She could’nt see the greatness in herself  
but he could.
Prehaps he couldn’t see what hid within himself
but she could.
For once in her life she was okay with the world not being perfect
and prehaps for the first time as well she let herself go.

He did so much for her by just being herself..
but in the end the best thing he ever did to her
was love his friend for who she was.

Perfection,
is an illusion, created by the mocking
sanity of the people
in this newspaper world.

Fairytales were something made up as well-
for the entertainment of children,
to enjoy their life,
their innocence
before reality took it all away from them.

No matter how far I chased the rabbit,
I was not Alice in Wonderland.
And even though the glass slipper fit,
I was not Cinderella.

My Hogwarts letter didn't arrive either;
when I was eleven.

And foolishly, at that time,
I cried.
I cried because my dreams were not real,
and that something this good could not exist in this world.

But-
I do not regret crying.
I cried for everything little in the world-
For my broken pipe that would never shoot water out in a straight line-
For my microwave that would always keep the food cold,
and the refrigerator that would always keep the food warm,
and for the 'tap tap' of the lady's heels
from the apartment above mine.

People say that heaven is a beautiful place
full of anything you could ever imagine.
Would it have all my dreams there, then?
In a plastic goody-bag, prehaps.
A certain one dished out to every person-
Angels looking left and right without a care for identity.

I hate it when my phone gets too warm.
I hate it when my favorite books get wrinkled.
I hate it when I lose my wireless mouse.
I hate it when the internet takes too long to load.
I hate it when the tempature of the room is either too cold, or too hot for my liking.
But I love all those hatreds.
I love how my phone gets too warm, warming my hands up in winter.
I love how my favorite books get wrinkled, so I can lovingly patch them up again.
I love how my wireless mouse always gets lost, because then I have an exuse to buy a corded one.
I love how the internet takes too long to load, because then I can go eat while I'm waiting.
I love how the tempature gets too cold or too hot, because then I can stick an ice cube on my forehead, or bundle up with my favorite scarf in winter.

My mother always told me to be mysef, that I was perfect just the way I was-
I tried,
but all my sentences from that point on would come with a stutter.
"D-Did you hear?"

The voice of the piano that strums so gently beneath my fingers,
I love that sound.  
It was the first time I could be sure-
if music had a face
it would smile,
teasingly,
desparingly,
at me.

And now I'm listening to "Light up the Sky" by YellowCard,
lying on my bed and thinking how much the lead singer
looks like Draco Malfoy.

I love the way poetry sometimes has a shape,
either a diamond,
or a heart.
And I am stunned, when I see those-
In fact, I saw one yesterday,
it was a tiger,
coliling around spairled trendles of
black and white
words.

I wonder how words move people to tears.
they're just words, anyway.
Nothing that would exist if humans weren't here.
but I love the way that I can actually cry
when I hear a beautiful piece of poetry.
I would say 'thank you thank you'
over and over again,
but I couldn't speak for the sound in my head.

And the stereotypical, rentless movies,
on sale-
half price!
at BlockBuster,
I bought them all,
just for the sake of spending some money,
I think.

And I watched them all, alone in the night with nothing but a bowl of popcorn by my side.
They were colorful, crazy, wild
And I drank in that feeling, throwing up my arms
with a freedom that I have never felt before.

I love writing poetry,
because words are truly beautiful.
And I love reading over my old poems, and scoffing at what I thought was eloquent before.
Because that means,
I have grown.
Something Infallible, Like Eternity,
That's a good title.
I love the clicking of keyboard keys, feeling the notch of F and J under my fingers.

And I love this world,
for all its imperfections and mistakes,
becuase then there can always be something better after it.
After all, if you're at the top, all you can do is fall.

What is wrong with me?
Am i Too skinny? too fat?
Am i too tall? too short?
why cant i be happy with me?

what is wrong with me?
Am i too dumb? annoyingly smart?
Do i talk to fast? or prehaps to slow ?
am i too loud? or too quiet?
Why cant i be happy with me?

what i wrong with me?
am i too sensitive? am i heartless?
am i self-ish? or a little to selfless?
am I not silly enough?
should i be so jealous?
Do i care what people think?
Is this really where i wanna Live?
Am i stuck with this job or do i love it?
Should i have gone to school?
Is this the person i shoud be fighting for?
Do i need to go to the doctors?
Why cant i be happy with me?

whats wrong with me?



I just cant be happy because of ...me

questions about how we’ve come to be

and who we’re here to see,

what we are here to do,

none of these have been thoroughly thought through.

they’ve missed the last query

oh how we are so dreary

lingering in the past

when the future is approaching fast.

perhaps it’s a divine plan

set out hand in hand

with the dice of luck,

a twist in the cards

who gives a ****?

Your here and you’re

breathing.

your heart is still beating,

you’ve a soul,

you’ve a mind

so cm’on be so kind

and waste not,

want not

time is of the essence

and oh there are so many lessons

get out of your house

and off your screens

then prehaps you’ll hear the screams

resonate

and by god do they illuminate why your here.

for you are breathing and can’t you hear

your heart still beating?

I'd been trying to do something with my life,
Any ******* thing
But i've always been too easily distracted,
especially with the promise of tangible experiences,
Like the seeing of sounds and the tasting of love.
He said just come round, what's it matter anyway?
And as I could give no answer to the meaning of life,
Here i stand again.

Nineteen it is now,
Nineteen small white pills,
And they won't do much if i swallow them,
I've tried that one before.
But if i didn't know better i may well try again.
Prehaps at the end of the year,
when it will be twenty glistening childs teeth,
I could try again,
Double the dose,
Triple the dose.
Slot them into a double scoop ice cream,
Eat up all my desert,
Then allow my soul to desert my body,
Once more, on a one way flight.

I'll postpone the inevitable for now,
Its what we're all busy doing anyhow.
But i've seen more in my short life
than hollow headed women baring their *******
for just one more drink that might help forget their boredom,
And sporting young men, desperate for attention in any form it may come,
Some form of reassurance,
We're glad you're alive son, we sure are.

He sat there in an oversized jersey,
and i wished he'd let me crawl up inside it,
To sit there in his lap and cry myself to sleep,
No, No! I've had quite enough of such foolish business.
It's in the past.
But isn't it all?
The past is never really gone,
I don't trust it for a minute.
I don't trust much.

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Do you want to know about me?

Want to hear secrets that I keep ?

Then when I go to sleep I weep

That my soul is invisible

When I start to fall I let myself go

I believe in aura's and spirits and so

My purpose is unknown at this time

I feel lonely even in ones embrace

My mind goes in a million different directions

That I hate it here at my place

I smile to fool whats hidden inside

That my body is feeble like as if I died

The mirror tells lies

Photographs of me make me feeel unsettled

Where did I go and when did I even start to leave ?

Can I place a missing persons report for me?

Maybe I can be found if I start to look around

Prehaps I could stumble upon some sort of truth

Something that defines me

Do I have a talent I just haven't found ?

When I'm too weary I just dont know

Let it

Let me

Let it all go

A quiet place where it's safe to be.
Where no one moves or speaks or looks.
You're not alone,
But not invaded.
There is never a problem.
Never a trouble.
Maybe you'll like it there.
Prehaps you could stay.

But first you'd have to leave here,
And often that's easier thought than done.

Your head is a lake,
filled to the top up.
You can feel the weight of the water on your weakening shoulders,
And see its depths, and feel it movings,
as you grow stormy from within.

Your light whispers surround my heart
Words like music laughter so kind
I hold you my beautiful woman
You enrapture me
My soul smiles because of you
You refresh me like wild flowers after a rain
Holding me so tender just the same
I swim in your hair like the great sea of love
Life is fragile and so blinding
You were taken from me in a matter of time
Life became invaded like death by war
A shadow that crept and took you so far away
Burning black into my being
My senses don't even seem quite the same
Sometimes I can smell your sweetness in the air
Trying to convince myself that prehaps you are there
I ask myself why didn't she take me away with her?
Terrorized by the blackness that surrounds me
I do not sleep at night
A terrible monster was thrown inside of me so violently
It is invading my heart so silently

I wore the last present you bought me for the last day of 2014 -
A pair of brown leather brogues.

and it’s funny, because they blistered my toes and made walking agony.

Prehaps it was payback for walking all over you
Like you were a *******, an ironic message.
You did always hate feet -

Maybe it’s not just feet anymore
Maybe its me

*A.R

What is the truth?

Who are we to decipher what is hidden inside

To make up the rules of what is believed to be the truth

Prehaps mine are different then yours

Sometimes I just want to give it all up

Head out the door

So many others telling me what to do

Want to hear the truth

Smell it on my tounge

Whiskey will do it

It always speaks for me

Not afraid of ones feelings

Makes it short and sweet

You have a simple choice either accept me for me

Or leave

Shall I repeat myself so that you understand

I will not be afaid of the certainty that I come to believe

Its all I can be

It is all ME

I've forgotten where I belong
I forgot where I went wrong
Where am I from what is my home
I can not stand being alone
Homes wherever I'm with you
And now I see how that is true
There's plenty of fish in the sea
But you're the only one for me
As you swim away flashbacks appear
When we got high the atmosphere
The stars were the final frontier
My watery eyes let out a final tear
As I was letting go of your fingertips
I remembered the taste of your lips
It was a cherry scent that had me bent
To a certain extent I couldn't prevent
My knees got weak my heart gave in
You thought I wasn't worth saving
You need it love from me and her
You had us fooled but now I'm sure
You just preferred we coexist
Let's all just kiss no I insist
Wouldn't that be a pleasant twist
The lust for love you can't resist
You needed me was just a fact
Your love for her was to abstract
Your curiosity became a curse
Prehaps for better or for worse
But without you I am homeless
And without love I am hopeless
A mere wondering soul lost
Willing to find love at all cost

Like a dream this story is very unclear where it begins but what is clear is The feeling of weightlessness. An endless  exploration of your mind and soul. A place that can't be described with words you would have to experience it for yourself. Today's a night unlike any other night today I woke up in a different body in a different world in a different time in space.

Yesterday I woke up running for my life. A chase that went on land and water. The thing that was chasing me was so much slower than I was but way stronger than me. The rush of adrenaline seemed to slow down time. As I got away he seem to get closer and closer. But luckily the future had advanced my biology enabling me to swing across buildings almost by second nature.

It seems I woke up to a future in which humans had evolved to hybrid. Our DNA took the best traits of any combinations of animals and , planets. There were no average humans left on earth and that's assuming this is still earth.
Why am I running for my life and who is this beast trying to **** me. I guess I have more questions than answers.

I guess I should wake up soon right, wrong. Why should I wake up I've never felt more alive in my life. I am being chased by a 12 foot giant that can move just as fast as me. And I felt invincible mentally and incredibly fast. I had no weakness no fears just confidence.

I've never felt this way in my reality. See In my old life I knew exactly what I was going to do every day and every night was exactly the same I was trapped. The only thing different is the mind control devices that surrounded me when I went to sleep when I woke up. Viral videos, social media that made me antisocial,political, virtual games it was the same every day over and over again. Prehaps the best thing to happen to me in two years was when my dog died.

The day he died I cried like a little kid of joy because I knew he didn't have to suffer anymore going through the same thing every day every time. The same food, water and backyard trapped forever.  Am I talking about the dog or me. I've never dug a hole who knew the roots of a tree could grow that far and deep. Was that experience foreshadowing my life somehow. Well I end up at the bottom of a hole knowing that there was the whole world out there for me to discover for me to live, love, and laugh.
In life we are given choices. I admit I've made a lot of bad decisions. Decisions that could have meant the difference between where I am now and where I could have been. Imagine walking on a tight rope and knowing every step could be your last. If life was the rope and the steps were choices. I’d probably be plummeting to my death right now. Our decisions whether you know it or not slowly shift reality and propel us on to different time lines. Different timelines means different versions of ourselves some more successful than others.

Everyone knows that if you go back in time you shouldn't touch anything because it could affect the future it's called the butterfly effect. So if the present is the past of the future could we cost A butterfly effect. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that the some impact we have today is the same impact we've always had in the past. The power to change the outcome of the future is now. We all dream of changing the world but change begins within ourselves.

A single voice is mortal, a loud enough chorus is immortal.
Striking the symbols and bouncing all the way down
to the sky.
The conductor wildly swings his arm for the audience who pay.
You and I sing for the joy of playing along with the birds,
We are changing nature, singing for the sake
of adding a note to the world.

We can get the thoughts in our head to turn the other way.
An army that charges screaming is scary, an army that charges
laughing would make me **** myself.
Charging at you genuinely happy to fight the
fight they know to be right to be earning ground for
those who can’t buy it.

All shall be welcome no background checks,
the undercover cop will be turned.
I’m not asking you to love every stranger,
Don’t try to make out with every stranger
that’s weird but keep an open mind.
They could be the next
Bush or an angel.

No turns in fate just the world tilted at a new angle.
Prehaps some debate about which way to be turned
after some talk among the universe.
Does this historian really think he can write who we
were? Do they really that some secrets
won’t be buried with the passing second?
They shall discover oxygen and claim it to be new
and new it shall be, the world refreshed at last.

The passing car shall pass with the horse and
the dove overhead cries a white and blue cry,
singing to the stars above
none shall rule out the other all given all. The waves shall
break in neat order, tirelessly! Our heartbeat without an audience
a wave without an audience are we really that diffferent?
Are you, I, a passing stranger and billions of unnamed people
that different?

The rock the couple sits on, the rock that gave
the kid his first ****** nose
that you and I shall sit on, rests contently
not knowing that it fell or if its still falling.

I cannot help the blind to see
like my God from up on high
but I can help another believe
light can be found 'neath a clouded sky

I cannot cause the deaf to hear
no matter how hard I try
but I can listen to another's fear,
be the shoulder on which they cry

My Lord can cause the dumb to speak
and free them from their silence
And prehaps I can talk with the bleak
speaking words that may give guidance

Some souls are trapped in the darkest night
And never could I bring freedom
But while the Lord shines out His light
I can show them his great kingdom

Others stumble on their uneven roads
And I cannot be their path
But I can bring them to the Lord's abode
Bringing The Way within their grasp

I wasn't made to raise the mountains,
Or become mighty like the sea
but perhaps I can be a little fountain
saving not the forest, but at least a tree

Roses are red, Violets are blue
sugar is sweet and prehaps so are you
But the roses are wilted and the violets are dead
The sugar bowls empty your wrists are stained red
The sun isn't shining, the sky isn't clear
there's no sliver lining cause your no longer here
Rain keeps on pouring, theres no end in sight
you're laying there frozen, so far from light
Your beautys unreal, your smile the sun
but time can't be turned nor your actions undone

You’ll never know what you did to me
Now I know that line is clichè
But it’s true.
Never will I allow it to leave my lips for your ears.
I will continue the toughness and laugh at your attempts to make me jealous. Knowing full well should I choose to enter that game, the victory would be mine.
This is all you’ll see.
An Ice queen capable of cutting you off, never to bat an eye lid your way ever again.
Prehaps even left you wondering why or what you had done wrong.
Guessing if I found out, or how much I knew to be true.
This is what you’ll get from me.

What you won’t see is all the typed and deleted messages.
The screams into the pillow and my fists attempt to release some level of fury that fills my veins.
You’ll never know how many tears fell or how many boys were turned away.

You will become a mess not knowing what a mess you made of her.