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Alyssa Underwood Nov 2015
To agape love someone is to hunger
for their eternal life and their abundant life,
even when it seems impossible to hope for them
Should I believe in a higher power
That I can not touch, see, or feel?
That lets innocent people be broken
Then worship him to heal

Should I trust that he is the reason
That I live every day
If I need a miracle
Drop down on my knees and pray

I don’t know how I feel
Or what I should believe
My god had forsaken me
Left me feeling naive

I want to trust
That he has purpose for me
From this indecision
I long to be free

Is blind faith a sign
Of strength or weakness
I cannot decide
The uncertainty leaves me sleepless
In the hospital I met an Angel, her name was Sarah. We both had cancer but Sarah didn't make it. This is her story.

My name is Sarah, I am but 4
Trapped staring at the ceiling and at the floor
I don't even understand what I’m fighting for.

I never did wrong I always did what was right
Now it hurts so bad I can’t sleep at night.
Why is my mommy crying what is going through her head
I’d give her a hug if I was allowed to leave my bed.

My stomach is starving but cannot eat
I want to get up but I’m much too weak
I lay down my head and drift off to sleep
I pray to the lord for my soul to keep.
Then I stop breathing and through the dark I see a light,
My name is Sarah and cancer murdered me tonight.
Welcome to the oncology ward. I spent about 3 years here and it really is a great spot to be when you are sick. The people here are very caring and supportive all the time. Some of the memories I have from here are not great, like losing two friends, but they pulled me through and I’m grateful.

After a while you realize that you’re stuck in the hospital for a while. In the hospital I met an Angel, and her name was Sarah. She was in the room next to me and she had leukemia too. She was a very sweet girl and we had fun together, she helped me not to feel as different. We shared a lot of things like pizza parties, we played in the art room and we gave each other the drugs that were impossible to take. It seemed much easier to swallow when she gave them to me, compared to 5 nurses holding me down while they poured it down my throat. Out of all my friends on the fourth floor she was the best. She was an amazing friend even if she was only 3.

But eventually all angels must go back to heaven. And about a year later my angel Sarah went back to heaven. She died in her sleep, because the doctors failed to find a match for her bone marrow transplant. It made me sad just to look at the empty bed on that fourth floor in room 420. Although it was 10 years ago that she died, I will always remember her because she will forever be in my heart.
Shortly after my best friend Sarah died, my cancer relapsed. After two years of that painful chemotherapy I would have to start again from the beginning, but this time radiation would be part of my protocol. It’s hard to not have thoughts of despair.

My grandmother was a very special person; she always knew that I would overcome my illness. Every day she would take me to the chapel in the church and I would stare at the enormously realistic wood carved statue of Jesus on the cross. I would ask “even though you look like you are in more pain than me, can you ask your father to help me”. Then my grandmother and I would go back to the room and say this prayer together;

      And now I lay me down to sleep and I pray you lord my soul to keep, but if I shall die before I wake, I pray you Lord my soul to take.

What If Faith is Not Enough

When reality finally hits you it hurts
When the truth comes into focus it’s brutally painful.
Hope isn't always enough
It’s not always a happy ending.
What happens when faith is not enough?

I get hot flashes
My depression splashes
My soul is cold like stone,
the fear of being alone.

So now I lay me down to sleep
I pray you lord my soul to keep
Don’t let me die before I wake
I pray you lord my soul do not take.

I barely have a past
And may have no future
       Empty pages of a book
       A story left unwritten
       A life left unlived
       A hope left in the dust.
Please don't take me yet
Your mercy you won't regret
I am down on my knees
Begging you please
Don’t take me away.

At night I dream a misty graveyard
A tombstone the name I cannot see
A flashlight in the darkness
A figure so lifeless I cannot breathe.
Then I awake not as fearless as I may seem.

If this is my future
And if it comes to pass
And this breath be my last
Then this thought to you I cast.

What if faith is not enough?
Then life would be rather tough
With nothing to believe in
And nothing to justify
Nothing to keep you sane
Nothing to grasp when you fall
You will have nothing,
nothing at all.

Sometimes that is how I am
Falling in the darkness
With nothing to take hold
This feeling leaves me cold
hearted, soulless, empty.
All I feel is the pain of being unreal
No one knows how this life feels,
when you are so lifeless.

So now I lay me down to cry
I pray you lord you can't let me die.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close my eyes without a peep
Never to be opened again.

Your body goes warm then cold like rain
Slowly your body numbs,
to your fingers and your thumbs.
As your body stops working, you feel the cold mist of death
And peacefully while you’re sleeping you take your final breath.
I still remember your look,
The ''judging look'', when you saw me with him.
I can't say if I was happy because I saw you hurt,
Or I just was sad because you needed so long,
To find out,
To find out that you actually love me.

But I'm happy.
I've got my revenge.
I've made you admit it,
Even though you never said it to me.
But I did it.

But this time I have left.
I've got my revenge.
I've got inside your head.
Even the strongest one has fallen.
And finally I have found a peace.

And even tho months has passed.
I still pray for you every night.
I still pray that you find peace.
I'm so sorry that that peace wasn't me.
And I'm sorry I needed so long to see it.

But I'm happy now.
He is nice, and I can say with all my heart that I love him.
He is giving me everything you were never capable of.
Love, kindness, happiness, protection.
I finally see the future.

But still,
I will remember our month,
Our lovely November.
Stay safe my Scorpio,
Because, finally I have left.
But I will pray for you.

With love, your Scorpio.
Renhui Sep 10
The body broken --

Waiting to be
     healed
Like the dry scorched land
     waiting for rain

Praying for rain
    Rain rain rain

Each breath
   inner and outer
   streams
   of life

Moments
  of miracles
Moments
  of whole
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