Pop ‘em pillies
OD on my pellets, I know
It ain’t pretty:
Experienced, suicidal
Gotham city
All up in head I rave, yup
Desperate times
I will show you how bad I gave up

Shovel in my hands
I’m digging my own grave
You don’t understand
It’s too late to be saved
Falling for the trap
To be poisoned, no comment
There’s no turning back
Let’s pretend I’m a rodent

Pop ‘em pillies
Pop, pop
Pop ‘em pillies
Pillies
It ain’t pretty
The ways that I **** me
I’m my own pest control
And I dig my own grave
These are just one of the ways
To show you how bad I gave up

I tried to be Insta-famous
Insecurities celebrated
Half naked, for the attention
High on pillies, money, vacation
With every notification
Filling the void behind my left breast
I worked for it
With body goals like this

Rock solid abs
Icon: fire and 100%
A whole snack
A girl that don't crack

Strip on that pic
Like Cardi B on that pole
Dancing around men
With the only goal of getting rich

Hurt them
Slight curl at the corner of my pillow lips
Ruin them
Feed the feed with self-admiration

It was the meds
or was it?

Inner ego
Remain incognito
Only every other photo
Only then you can show
How you could work that camera phone

the drama unfolds
and the young grow old
while the old go with a curse
I myself am grown into my fifties
and the people I’ve known
who called me Little Boy
have been called to dust and urn and to river over the decades;
and the kids I would kneel before to speak with them
now they say: Do I see you with hunched shoulders?
the earthly hours pass
and generations come and go
with little knowing though of their own flow
the drama unfolds
and the young grow old
while the old go
with a last bite of a fried chicken
places have changed
and villages and forests lain bare
and once where I stood admiring angsanas
and mango trees and peacocks
now I admire lilly-pillies
and hold the koala and the kangaroo as mascots;
people I have called mother, father
and uncle and aunty and grandmother
they now have gone, some without even a good-bye
some smiling and some with unintelligible mutterings
and ah, some in unendurable suffering
while I walk now as time unfurls like a flag in the square;
and the witnesses
of uncountable generations
of immeasurable life
those stars and the sun and the moon
keep me quiet company
and the sunlight uses the leaves in the garden
to whisper to me the secrets of things;
and in my leisure
these words I speak to you
and when I’m gone
through these you may speak with me;
and the ones I have told stories to
now re-tell the stories to their young
and time, interrupting its slumber,
lifts its head like a garden in the snake
awhile
sees all is right, all flowing as it would expect,
and looks around and gives me a look too
and goes back to sleep;
ah, the drama unfolds
and the young grow old
while the old go with a wink

it is sad to realize
that my life is so dependent
on painkillers.
it seems as though every lecture
i sit through
the thought of alleviating my pain
crosses my mind.
doesn't matter if it's the common cold
or a stab wound
ill still seek to make myself feel better.

Not taking any, though
accruing scripts

I think I just needed an xray