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TLDR

Posted up on a bar stool, I noticed the instant he walked in.
Blue eyes beckoning. I was listening. Hard.

Liquidly courageous, delightfully obscure and entertaining,
I bewitched him in conversation.
Filled his empty pint with my pitcher of Yuengling.
Stealing and donning his sweaty hat.
He had just finished art school.
I was studying journalism.

He kept finding reasons to touch me.
Blocking me from human traffic.
Keeping me close and safe physically.
At one point, some drunken, oblivious, d-bag tried to holler.
He moved between, cockblocking.
Unwavering in eye contact and speech with me.
I can’t remember what we talked about, only how it felt.

He got my number, and we stayed until the bar closed.
And as all the carbon contents poured into the back alley,
he grabbed my hand.
I remember the sweat and energy on his slender fingers.
He was pushing past palpable trepidation.
And in the midst of a hundred swarming,
he yanked my hand toward him and kissed me.
People started cheering.
It was perfect.

Except, I freaked.
Froze. Stopped breathing.
Pulled away as far as his hand would allow.
He reeled me back in for another try.
When I brushed his lips, the panic devoured.
So I pulled away harder, breaking free from his fingers.
Fleeing, scurrying through a sea of drunken bodies.
I shimmied like a silver lure dangling in his face.
Then shot him the-****-down. Twice.
Instinctively.

He never called me. But pocket-dialed me the next day.
Left an unintended voicemail. Heard him bemoaning, *I felt SO stupid…

Called him back a few minutes later. Didn’t leave a message.
I could have called again. I didn’t. Ever.

I thought about him every day for months,
inspiring one of my better poems of that era:
A Roller Coaster Ride Ending in Derailment.
Years later, I friended him on MySpace, sent a generic message.
He didn’t recognize me. And I never said anything.
Like a ******* coward.

How is it possible to excitedly charge in a cardinal direction,
only to smack abruptly into:
I-gotta-get-the-****-outta-here-NOWWWW?!

I’ve had a little time, say 14 years,
to reflect on what made me me run,
and I think it was this:
as soon as he was facing me,
with unadulterated adoration,
all I could feel was terrified and ugly.
It was so good. Far too good for me.

I was afraid. Afraid he would eventually see.
That I was hideous. He wouldn’t want the real me.
I didn’t think I could live up to the look in his eyes.
When he saw I was only a spunky, confident model on the cover,
and an insecure shitshow amidst contents inside, he would leave.
A fragile little girl so afraid she is unlovable, unworthy, ugly.
When he saw how uncomfortable I could be in my own skin,
he would let go.
I didn’t like me, so why the **** should he?
I ran from connection that night, after tilling it for hours.
Hauling *** with windows down,
I slammed the brakes and careened. End scene.
He reeked of bliss and impending heartbreak.
So I abandoned him before he could leave.

I’m frightened of anyone who truly stirs me.
It makes me feel big, scary feelings. They straitjacket hug me.
Skewing all my outward signals. I come off standoffish.
Pushing away the very thing I want and need.
I’m not good at expressing intense feelings in real time.
Except in ink. And bed.

I get locked up inside. Feels like I’m gonna die.
A fight-or-flight ignition by erroneous head triggers.
I project my unlovable feelings onto others,
in the face of blatant evidence to the contrary.

I’ve done LTRs, just not with the required equipment.
I know the gears are sabotaged out the gate,
but I go for it anyway. It’s safe (or so it seems). And empty.
I crave intimacy, but I’m terrified of showing up entirely.
In front of someone with eyes that can see.
I quickly sense who is capable of meeting me,
and thoroughly **** it up for myself,
by not feeling free. Not authentic. Not open. Hiding.
Editing. Hot fish, cold fish. Rotating masks. Blockades. Running.
Constantly scanning the environment for signs of rejection,
that I’m not enough, indeed. To validate my own self-worthlessness.
I wanna be right.
I’ve only done long terms where I can remain alone, bored and/or dead.
No real intimacy. No full disclosure. No BAMF duo status.
No seeing to the back of each other’s skulls.
No blasting through the cosmos.

I freeze and evade in the face of what I crave.
Shunning delicious plates I’ve just ordered and ravenously drooled over.
I have more examples, but this is the most concise and blatant...

Except, this one time:

I told my gut to shut the **** up,
while I cosigned utter inner *******.
Denied the eyes of my own soul,
as it floated into my periphery.
It took all of my focus just to breathe.

He didn’t turn around,
just looked over his shoulder.
At me. Up, then down.
And drifted away.
Electrocuting my cosmic antennae.
Leaving me reeling. Still tingling.

I almost called your name,
but doubt surrounded fear mountain.
Plus, I thought I was jus straight trippin, err, trollin.
Going crazy. Weaving my own alteration atop reality.
Pretty pro @ that yuh know...

We push and pull and run and chase,
because it feels safer pursuing what’s out of reach.
Until it turns around.
Or looks over its shoulder...

With eyes that can see.
maybe we need a few less chairs, as we have some mutual guests: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emily-wilcox/the-pushpull-relationship_b_8241126.html
Lost in a cocoon of my design
I stare into the dark
My eye wary of teary drops

Nightly clouds clad together
Floating in the ocean above
Raise a war cry of thunder

A reminder of another world
Another existence I couldn't fathom
Silently, fear crept up
I
Man the pawn, X the player
Pawns die with each move
But no, not this time
Zeeb Jul 2018
The Lake Pontchartrain Causeway… man that’s one long bridge
I drive it every day for my pay - here’s what I see along the way

Here comes:
Corvette Kary, setting pace, he thinks he’s in a race
When Kary’s not waxing his ride, for your safety you'd best pull aside

Petrified Patty, she’s over water and has never learned how to swim
She’s driving a white Lexus, so scared she has no reflexus

Miata Mike, chasing Kary's Vette, not gonna get too far
Trying to convince himself, he didn’t buy a girly car

Watch out for:

Makeup Mary, on cruise-control, wow she’s one of the worst
She loves her new Camry, but her next car might just be a hearse

Yes, that Causeway, can be a long and boring ride
And if you get a flat… there’s no place to pull aside
Oh but that Causeway has its points, take time to see
24 miles of entertainment, and the Northbound way is free

Here comes:

Road Rage Randy, always ****** and he doesn't know why
Today he’s running late, but finds time to escalate

Doughnut Danny, rolling breakfast and a tea
Such mechanized efficiency, has a newspaper on his knee

Wackin Wayne, you're kidding me, you thought I couldn't see?  Vibrating Virginia close behind, now we have equality

We've got:

Maypop Marty, thinks tires last forever
Does he even check the air?.... never

Mark The Spark needs a muffler shop, something heavy about to drop.  Comes Innocent Mike on his motorbike too bad he just couldn't stop.

Headphone Harry and his Pandora, he's hear but also... he's not.  He likes his music best, you see, after a few long tokes of his ***.

Fugitive Fred on the go, at 65 point ooo.  Not a mile to fast or to slow, got to blend in on this bridge don't you know.

Yes that old Causeway, can be a long and boring ride
And if you get a flat… there’s no place to pull aside
Oh but that Causeway, has its points, take time to see
The mechanized circus on parade, our hilarious humanity

Don’t forget:

Frozen Frita, every rainstorm stops her dead in her track
Then here comes Ramin’ Ron, goin 60, aint too good for her back

No Tie-down Tim, **** flyin’ out of his truck
For everyone behind him, Tim doesn’t give a ****

NPR Nancy, she must be in a “Driveway Moment”
Only problem is, she’s on a god-**** bridge

Texting Theresa, I’ve saved the best for last
The last thing in life she did see, was an idiotic emoji

Lookin’ Lee, that’s me, pretty sad that I’m just as bad
Come join us nuts on the Causeway, might be the most fun you ever had
Sammie wells Feb 2013
She runs through the woods
panting for breath,
needing to rest

she listens out

dogs barking

they're growing closer
eager for blood.

She hears them in the distance,
Men,
she lets out a cry,
   
  weaving round tree trunks
going under Bush,  
they draw closer,
Her lungs feel crushed.

Her beautiful red coat
is covered in mud,
twigs and leafs,
what ever's under foot,

terror curses through her vains,
she's been chased for hours
feeling drained.

Startled by a blow on a horn
she comes to a Holt,
petrified she urinates
as footsteps fall in behind her

they're here!

Cornered now
her hair stands on end,
tears drop
as death creeps upon her,
She has no time...

The hounds pounce!
  
tearing
tugging
And ripping

They do their masters bidding!


Fox hunting a fun sport for all...

(SW)
A new venture of the heart
I climb out this protective shell
To once again explore the dark caverns where our hearts us do lead!
Where we often fall prey to our weaker side
They called emotions
Often they be poisoned or attacked by the cancerous Big scary monsters
Deciet
Dishonesty
Treacherous they be in all their forms
Some Dont survive
We never be as before
Hmmm
Scary places our hearts us do lead

They say nothing ventured nothing gained!
No pain no gain!

But I'm no child and I chose her for her heart!
As I once again put mine on the line
Seems like a sure bet!
Well then I'm going all in!
For the jackpot, all in I say!
He loves her
He loves her so deep it terrifies him
She is everything he has ever wanted in a woman
She challenges him
She makes him laugh
She listens to his words with patience and understanding
She compliments him
He thinks he's not good looking
but in her eyes he's magnificent
She causes him to dream about things he gave up wanting
out of fear history would repeat itself
and tear him apart
She doesn't fool around with other men
because she only wants one
He wants to touch her
He wants to smell her hair
kiss her neck
then take her to bed
He wants to love on her all night
and make breakfast for her in the morning
He wants a future with her
He had her once before
but he let her go because of fear
and he regrets it
He knows she'll wait for him
but he's worried she will get tired of waiting
She deserves so much
but he feels he has nothing to offer her
even though he has everything she needs and more
When she is by his side nothing else matters
He wants to tell her how he feels
He wants the regret to stop eating away at him
He wants to go back in time to the night he lied
and told her "I don't love you anymore"
He wants to stop her from walking out the front door
leaving him alone with the choice he made

His door bell rings
He asked her to come over so he could talk to her
He has no idea what her reaction will be
when he tells her he's still in love with her
His heart is pounding
His palms are sweaty
The door bell ring again
He takes a deep breath and opens the door
There she is
The most beautiful woman he has ever seen
She says his name and he melts
As he hugs her he prays that when the night is over
he has finally told her the truth
and he hopes to God she feels the same way
WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 12, 2019 Saturday 8:22 PM
Arsène Aug 2018
Drowned in pills
Her morbid gaze and soulless eyes would send me chills
A relationship empty but a foundation of thrills

Her beauty piercing as to be posey
I just delighted she chose me
Her slightest whim I’d mosey
Or she'd batter, bruise, and expose me

Why me I wondered at times
As her white powders sniffed in reverent lines
Too petrified to ask
Her actions ignominiously grasped

So I left
My feelings undealt
as I wept
With all of my friends gleaming
But I didn't know what to believe in
Value your self!
Broadsky Feb 2018
I remember nights when I was so petrified, you'd sit outside the bathroom door for me as I'd shower. I remember nights you'd climb in my bed to soothe my sobs and stop my tears from wetting my pillow. I remember when you'd hold my hand and teach me to be confident with my shoulders back. I remember the nights of endless secret telling and shushes to keep quiet. I remember it all. Yet those sweet pea memories are slowly drifting away back to sea with the memory of who you used to be. I can't seem to get you to look me in the eyes anymore, I can't get you to hold me when I have an episode. I can't get you to spend time with me, your baby sister, and maybe its a big sister thing; growing tired of being your little sister's keeper. I dont know. But I know there are no more nights of secret telling, there are no more nights of being held while I cry. There are no more nights of you sitting outside the bathroom door for me. There are none.
When do you know to let go?
l Mar 29
I'm climbing trees
I'm losing life

I'm petrified of becoming the person I hate

Inside
And
Outside

I asked for rain
I have it all
I left everyone
I never wanted to be left alone

Still the night doesn't seem too forgiving

Everything I've done this week
haunts me

I've done nothing
Carter Ginter Oct 2017
Now that I've entered the world
Of this burning tree
I feel much more fully
Because it's the only time I can

And the thought of you makes my heart ache
I don't know where we're at
My chest is heavy with the chance of losing you
I truly love you with all my heart

But understand I have trust issues
Honesty is the only option for me
So when I sense dishonesty
It shuts me down immediately

I feel petrified
Unable to move

And instead of running
I let my fires spend outward

But I love you
And though I say I'll be ok alone
Life would feel meaningless
Without your hand in mine

But I understand if you have to leave
You'll be in my heart forever
mariamme Sep 2018
i slur my words like honey
tongue drizzling love along
the ***** of your collarbones

we could sit and contemplate
después y durante y antes de
the meeting of bodies, souls met
along frequencies of sound

tuning forks couldn't catch you
your tone too unique to pick up
yet you struck my chord, so good

so good so good so good, mi amor
moaning in the morning, yawns
te amo's after two months but

its a little different than before
nobody really saw through me
but to you i'm translucent &
you like the way my skin glows
even if its pale in the moonlight.

this isn't a poem, its a passion
unlike christ, his was painful
i've had bumps along the way
no babies of course, we've cats
but mom would have kittens
if she knew u proposed already
onion ring on my finger, grins

sticky sweet & i love your smile.
at times i wax eloquent but
tonight all i have is this,
bliss-

nothing is an ending, not yet-
we got that nevereverending
playlists longer than our hair
we two hippies in the meadow,

you don't pluck flowers,
                  you plant seeds and
i love the feeling of growth
the warm wet earth &
warm wet tongue (you love
to open my petals and inhale)

and before i would have sneezed
because i was allergic to love
and tenderness was frightening

después de ti
i am a mountain on my own
and you aren't scaling me to size

fellow mountain man,
he gazes out across el cielo
and we send misty kisses
across the forest of memories
unfelled because we're petrified

mutual hesitation, mutual love
and it feels like you
are the sun's golden lust after me
chasing the moon into her bed.
11 septiembre 2018
1:41 am
my soul is in a meadow, yours is beside me.
my body is in bed, and yours is a world away, in a bed like mine.

wake up, amor, let's frolic some more.
Nicole Ann Aug 2018
I hate the person that I've turned into.
getting high & tripping out,
staying up most nights stuck thinkin' about you
when I close my eyes I can feel your touch, a burning sensation  
added along with your lips, everything we did became a beautiful creation
but you left, huh...
so cry me a ******* river yeah? cause your lips will forever taste the same. every girl that will come by will know how the tip of your tongue is imprinted with my name
&  it ***** because my heart is forever yours, within' your love I felt like every wound of mine was cured
I let you go, you told me "maybe someday" we'll cross paths.
& for you I waited everyday
since falling in love with you felt like a reason to stay
but now every other day that passes by I don't feel the same
I'm the demon whose trying so hard to be this pure angelic girl, but deep down inside I know I'm forever stuck in my little dark world.
At a party at 2 in the morning
These demons, they keep telling me I'm not ******* enough
burning up my lungs with **** and crying off my makeup
inside my heart  I've long known I've given up.
just yesterday I learned that my favorite feeling is feeling numb
broken and petrified, I told you I hate the person I've become.
now every time I drink, I can taste your name inside my ***
but I can't blame you, you tried your best to be with this ****** up person.
yet, in the end I'm so mad since I wish we could just work and for now, all I can really say is a simple & plain thank you. I give you my kindest regards even though I want hate you.
I hate how you left and the look you last gave me in your eyes. I can see that white flag, waving high that you were done and I'm here being the bad guy.  Cause in the ******* end, I felt like you were the one.
but you left me here alone hating the person that I've become.
Madelynn Nieves Sep 2018
You make me want to kick and scream
Because I hate that I love you
and hate you all at the same time
Break the plaster
Shatter the dishes
Destroy the photos
Ensure there is no proof of us here
Because I believe now that love is a lie
A myth to get us all twisted
On reality and illusion
A trick to reel us in
When in truth it is a sin
The amount of destruction
That results from this word
Let’s start from this apartment
Then we’ll investigate the world
Love creates peace
But where does peace exist?
I’ve lost faith and I am petrified
Of what results from this loss of light
I punched a hole through the wall
And saw myself on the other side
A simple reflection
Terrifying when it comes through
Like a mirror
Existing in another dimension
Her Jul 16
they ask why
i can’t communicate
they ask why
i can’t speak how i feel
they ask why
i can’t express myself

at the age of 7
my voice box
stopped working
for 3 years
of my life

my voice box
covered and choked
by
your hands
and
your threats

the fear
distilled in my brain
soaking through my skin
running through my veins

vulnerability
makes me petrified
vulnerability
leaks like blood
from my wrists

i am scared
of communicating

i don’t want to hurt anymore
i am trapped

h e l p
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