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Outside Words Sep 2018
On a gusty autumn night
Another husband was swept,
Somber under the porch light,
Abigail watched and wept.

No men were happy,
As they dealt with poor Abby –
Day in and day out,
So miserable and naggy.

Nine is such a tender age
For a father to leave his daughter,
In horror, Abby waved,
Her mind underwater.

Crimes of parents, what a shame
Those with good ones count your blessings,
Lest we forget little Abby’s pain
And teach our children similar lessons.
© Outside Words
MalakF Jul 2018
Your method of parenting does not work.
You can't deprive a plant of light
and expect it to grow.
So why do you deprive me of happiness
and expect me to not drown
in sadness?
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
Why are you taking
my baby from me?

Close my eyes
and you're two...
Close my eyes
and you're four...
Close my eyes
and you're walking
right out of the door.

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
You just keep growing
too quickly for me.

Close my eyes
and you're eight...
Close my eyes
and you're ten...
Close my eyes
and I just want
to hold you again.

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
You've no way of knowing
how proud you make me.

Close my eyes
you're in school...
Close my eyes
and you're grown...
Close my eyes
and you're a father
precious son of your own.
This is more of a lullaby then poem. I used to sing it to my son when he was a lil guy. He's 22 now!!! Where does the time go?!
We were boys, once.
Our mother liked to dress us in tailored suits and leather shoes.
Every Sunday morning. Ready bright and early for mass at 11.

We'd sit in the classroom at the back of the old church hall.
After mass. After the chatter of voices hushed down to whispers; virtuous gossip.

Our teacher fed us images of hellfire and brimstone.

*** and sin.

Satan in a red cape and Halloween horns.

He didn't always look like that.
Oh, no. Mother said that he'd come out all dressed in a suit like mine.

He'd be handsome! His voice would be a choir of one billion ****** souls and once you'd hear it, you'd never want it to stop.

In my eight-year-old mind, I wondered what he did and what he felt when his own father cursed his name.

Did he stare at his dad with his thousand-eyes? Did he protest?

Did he laugh as he fell? In a cascade of feathers and blood.

Maybe he was better off without him.
He'd spend the rest of eternity trying to prove his father wrong. That he was worthy of his love:

That he would be the only son to grieve for the mistake of humanity.

The holy adversary.

The one who would shout his love for The Lord until his throat cracked dry and his chest ached. He, who could see the suffering of his father's own creations.

He, who tempted Eve and proved God wrong and we were flawed from the very beginning. Did he watch Eve eat the apple and savor every bite?

He loved his father.

Did he deserve it?

I stopped going to church on my eighteenth birthday.

What kind of parent would **** one son and praise the other?

Who would let one son be nailed to a board and the other to rot in flames?

Even as a child, I knew.

Through every slap, scold and bruise.

I would never bow.
Francie Lynch Jan 28
If we're together
When we're older,
If one's not left for another,
If one's not dead,
Or out of sorts
Or imprisoned on an institutional bed;
Let me tell what lies ahead.

We'll go to sleep wearing socks,
And rise by our internal clocks;
While on walks we'll hold hands,
And listen while the other talks.
We'll sit content by the St. Clair River
In Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter.

We'll have our tea and buttered toast,
On weekends enjoy your Sunday Roast.
Around the table our children sit,
With grandkids we're blessed to be with.
Then, in the evening, when all are gone,
And we're in our home of homes,
I'll confess my love again;
You're all I've wanted all along.
Lemonade Nov 2018
"You don't understand what it's like to be a parent.
Until you become one."

"But, I know one thing, and only one thing for sure.
I"ll never force my dreams on my kids."
Alaina Moore Jul 2018
When I was younger
I didn't understand the phrase
"I wish I'd never been born."
I thought it synonymous with
"I want to die."
In many ways it is.
Yet the phrase is less saying
"I want to die," and more saying
"I wish my lack of existence
wouldn't cause you any pain."
It's saying,
"only a few I love keep me here."
It's saying,
"I'd give up all I've lived to not have to go on any longer.
But if not for you,
I would choose an early out."
It's as near sighted
as any suicidal logic.
But the depth is something,
I've identified with in these
later days.
lovejunkie Dec 2018
when i look at you
i still see that little girl
with your long blonde pig-tails
ensconced in 90s purple and pink
living in a land of barbie dolls
and scraped knees off the
monkey bars, everything
still so very easy to fix;
a princess band-aid, &
a kiss on that boo-boo
could just make it all better

how i long for those days
still on days like today;
if i knew then what
i know now i would
have treated those
moments with the,
i can't find the right
word... reverence?
yes, the reverence those
halcyon days deserved,
and sung you those beatles
lullabies just a few moments
longer each night before bed

ouch

i waited all night
by the phone
for that call
you've been
promising me...
i just want to hear your voice
and i'm sick to death of hearing
the endless self-pitying soliloquies
of your gatekeeper/boy-fiend

i have stretched just as far
as i possibly can, if i stretch
any further i fear i will break...
i'm thinking of crushing up an oxy
and snorting it up my nose right now,
i won't, but i am thinking about it,
and that scares the **** out of me
my dearest... and i want to keep
trying, keep stretching, but i cannot
reach you through such a narrow
neck, and all the way to the bottom
of that bottle where you're living today

i'm so sorry my baby girl, you're still
my pride and my joy, that bottom is just
way too deep for anyone to be able
to reach you anymore unless you
reach up to them at the same time

i love you more than my own life,
and i always will, you are everything.

but
but
but
but
but
but

i have to set my worries aside for awhile...
you live in my prayers & my hopes,
but i cannot keep losing my mind
day-by-day this same way, and i'm
so much the same as you are,
so know better than most that
there is no helping someone who
doesn't really want to be helped,
but only wants someone to
want to help them, and,
yeah, i get that, i really do
but i can't be that person,
i won't be that person,
because as much as i
may want it even myself,
i can't be your higher power.
no person can be that to anyone;
it just doesn't work that way

but
but
but
but
but
but

i am not abandoning you sweetie;
i am not setting you to the side.
i will be here for you always
with unconditional love but
if i don't change tack, and
do it very soon, well,
my own resentments
(despite my best effort)
are starting to build as well,
and if you really do want my help,
if you are serious, i would move all of
heaven and **** to make that happen,
but i'm done banging my head against this
impenetrable wall... but i am waiting, i am trying
to learn more patience, and i'm still loving you,
always & forever, no matter whatsies
with a double-secret pinkie swear, dad
helpless
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gcNwri-HDQ
Mark Motherland Oct 2018
remember when you          we set out towards Arkle
started out

you were both young         the sun shone and the air
and a little naive                  was sweet

you got your first house      we made easy work of
                                                   reaching the summit

you made it your home       the view poitively exploded
                                                  in scale

then children came along   but once on the ridge the wind
                                                  picked up

life became a little  more     and walking became more
complexed                                complicated

but you held their hands      we had to hold on to every rock

yet each decision carried      concentration was paramount
a lot of weight        

as you raised them with         every decision mattered
heart and soul

ironically they weren't
children long                            eventually the wind subsided

they had established their
own identities                           and we wended our way back down

before long they had      
their own lives                          to enjoy the pleasant walk back
                                                      to the road

then you look back on life's
long road and ask yourself?   as we look back to the castellated
                                                     ­  ridge so high and way back in
                                                       the distance

did we really raise a family?   we ask, were we really up there?

It all seems so long ago now.     It all seem so far away now.
Raising a family can be like conquering a mountain.

Can be read one segment at a time or straight across, the parallels are obvious.
being your daddy means
being patient even
when you won’t go to bed

being your daddy means
loving you even
when I’m so tired

being your daddy means
showing up as I am
and doing the best I can
Leigh Jacobson Nov 2018
If only parents behaved the way they expect their children to act.
This has frustrated me all my life. I still see it happening. Parents yelling at their kids when frustrated... for the child who yells out when frustrated. ....and it still does today.
Mitch Prax Jan 28
There is nothing
on this planet more beautiful
than seeing a daughter's smile
in her mother's eyes
even when heartache is an
ingredient for something so heavenly.
The sun and moon could learn so much
from this baby girl’s warmth and glow.
Kara Jean May 2016
Our beginning is totally cliche and overused
High school acquaintances, both moved to start a career  
A friend request you sent, by my bubbly nature I accepted  

Conversing you persuaded me into tossing out my digits
Completely engulfed, a strong friendship we made
Life struggles, we conquered in the first week of dating

Fast pace, we were cruising and agreed, "hey let's get married"
Two weeks it took to say I do
Life smacks us hard, we never miss our groove

Babies, babies, changing your direction
Glance into your heart, how profound it is to be parenting
You were not ready to be a daddy
Your ego grew and I always forgave you
Young, drunk and dumb was your history

Separated and unplanned, awaken you became
You still wanted control and I said here take chunks of my energy
Now frazzled and drained, I am on the brink of leaving
Blurred, I only see spotty portraits of that white cake
The sweet taste smudged against my face and the way you licked your lips

Time loves to cause a stampede with memories
Brush the hair from my eyes, I feel the hail falling as I cry
Is this what "and they lived happily ever after" means
Kara Jean May 2016
Suicide,
Two types of feelings in production  
The ones who have lived it in some way
The ones who have never felt it's brutality  
I can not explain it's perplexety
I can say what it is not meant to be
Selfish should never be uttered out of man kind
How could anyone let something hold so much control
A question many hold
Have you took place of another humans body or possibly telepathically inclined
You replied no then ignorant is your judgement
I have no great epiphany in reasoning
Experience is my lead

List of eating disorders inhabited my processing
Mom constantly ******* at what was taking place
She hardly  looked at my fragile eyes
She walked out the door to calm herself
I needed help
Twisted was my concept
My mom would no longer worry
My family would be free from my iniquities
I only had to count to three
Swallow plenty
I was ready
Scratching my throat
Hitting  my stomache  

My mom emotional mess walked back in
Letting me know she would fight for me
I told her time was limited
I held the pills with loss dignity  
Emergency room waiting
Heart monitor
Cords stringing around the bedding
Doctor conversing on the phone
Assuming poison control
I felt "it"
The calmest  feeling ever crossed by man
The soft bright light hitting my bronzed hair
Black went the room
I lost it
Stab went the needle into me
First tranquilizer was be fitting  
Doctor harrasing  me for my stupidity
I could only picture the sounds of Charlie Browns parenting
Brain went crazy
Who the **** was I anyways
Maybe I should **** this troll
He really is bugging
Next round in play
The needle went in again
tranquilizer two was on it's way
Falling in a blank misery sleep

Insane asylum is where you end up with dawn hitting
Incoherent was still my state
Puking in every garbage I could see
Waking up to girls standing over my head
Wanting to hear my story
Was I truly loosing grasp on reality
Adam ******* was my counsler
Recreation fun barred in
Nightly tantrums ***** shot accompanied
My visit was almost done
Circle of trust
Family plan mapped and ready  

I made it home
My distorted brain had no change
Took me passing out a couple more times on the bathroom floor
Towel upon my face fan blasting loudly
Awake I finally came
Perseverance and loss of my sanity
Pushed me
Now I'm ******* resilient to the battles of ****
Mystic Ink Plus Aug 2018
Yes
This is a diary of a child
With a biological age of 5

To this world
She may be an ordinary one
But at the age 3, she got matured
Started to identify the space
Where she can contribute

She learned,
how to take care of self, when parents are out
how to be patient, when belly left half filled
how to do parenting, when her sister cries
how to be happy in small things
how to struggle for survival

Her way of life shows
At the age of,
3, she was like 25 years responsible
4, she was like 35 years responsible
5, she is like 50 years responsible
24 hours a day, she is on duty
7 days a week

I asked myself, what is childish?
That responsible 5 years child,
passing through
Or the 50 years old,
irresponsible one?
Genre: Observational
Theme: Maturity comes with responsibility
Beware the cavity of depravity
Most people my age got lost in the game of parenting
Elemental wisdom
Or a sentimental prison
You've replicated yourself innumerable times
And still your nature is love
Did you ever wonder
what your lives might have been like
If you had more often gone within
You have to let me go to let me stay
She said, I'm a reality ******
But it's been a rough couple of days
Life in paradise or life imprisonment
You never really know if its in the flow
Until you have to let it go
So what is this curse that says comfort must always come first
I shall not abdicate my throne to anyone
The vision of the voiceless is my kingdom
We bide our time and strive for sanity
As all forms fade and our encounters hibernate
What impacts an emperor
What impacts an empire
Its all within my reach
This compulsion to teach
To create art
That comes from the depths of our hearts

Did you take your medicine today?
She said, You are my medicine.
I replied, Then take me already
Patrick Austin Sep 2018
Our Backgrounds before we met...

I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.

My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.

I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.

2002

She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.

2003

I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.

2004

She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.

I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.

I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.

I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.

2005

We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.

I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!

I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.

I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.

I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"

I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.

2006

We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict.  I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.

I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.

2007

We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.

2008

Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.

I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.

2009

I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon.  I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.

I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.

2010

The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.

I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.

I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.

2011

I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.

I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it ***** with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.

2012

Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.

2013

We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.

2014

We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.

I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy  huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.

2015

I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.

2016

We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.

2017

We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.

I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.

I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.

I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.

2018

We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.

I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.

Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.

Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.

Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.

Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and **** for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.

Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.

I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.

She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.

I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.

This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
Helen Anna Nov 2018
Mum
Oh, mum. I have a lot of anger at the moment. You are not helping. I appreciate you’re trying but I’m still so angry at you. I can’t waste any energy on feeling bad about that fact. I need to accept it and you need to respect it. All is not forgiven. I’m sure one day it will be but not right now. Right now, it is a deep, painful, simmering rage at you. YOU. YOU. YOU. Not me. YOU. YOU. YOU. I’m angry at you. You. You.

I’m tired of parenting you. Of teaching you how to parent me, and him. I’m tired of being the adult in this family and being so alone.

You exhaust me.
You abused me. You scared me. You confused me.
You f**d with my head.
You felt better, I felt worse.
Sometimes you apologised, sometimes you didn’t.

Games, games, games.
New versions of old.
Death. Dying. Years. Numbers.
Illness, suddenly.
Corner, coming.

Space, limited.
Feelings, restricted.
No space for me. No space for my feelings. No space for my pain. I’m not allowed to feel pain. I’m not allowed to grow, or change, or challenge.
I’m not allowed me.
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2018
.good, send me to prison, dox... whatever... with my knowledge of obscure Islam... i might make some friends; come to think of it, i will be saved, from perpetuating this quasi St. Augustine soliloquy.

if there are these... young men...
of combat age...
  almost ready to play the pawns...
"eager" soldiers...
what the **** happened
to the women of fertile age?
frozen their eggs,
gambled biology
and gave birth to a down syndrome
expose aged 40+?
i too thought,
that Zeus could, but never would,
**** Hera...
  instead, seeking concubines,
to provide humanity with
the myths of the demigods.
so men... of fighting age...
    and... a ******* walrus harem,
with women,
of a fertility age...
supposedly, miraculously...
  "missing"...
throw me a danish, and a glass
of milk...
i need a laxative...
     to digest this piece of info.
as a man:
i'm done, defending the most
obscure existentialist statement
forced upon me...
      within the confines of:
cue: woman...
         i'm a dodo adherent...
and if there is no dodo
excavation to fulfill a continuum...
luckily...
i'm not some idiotic geneticist
spectacle of fanaticism:
ich sterben, alles nutzen...
         herr junggeselle Kant...
what are my genes,
as a worthwhile impetus?
        to procrastinate before
the altar of procreation?
               i thought that western
society pledged its allegiance
to "individualism", solipsism, autism...
         why should i pledge
an alleged alliance to a future?
       oculus per oculus...
     who are these people,
hardly dictating me, and more,
"persuading" me...
   to invest in this... project...
this...
first a celebration of independence,
and then, a shackling of
said independence,
  into a familial rigor, and discipline?
so said first...
   but not said first,
invoking the unsaid second...
   hitlerjunge...
             so said unsaid second...
people can have their global
speaking tours...
  i have gnat of an english neighbor
to deal with...
  who took the authoritarian
alternative... just shy of...
telling me when it was appropriate
for me to take a ****...
given, he, aged 50+ and his bride,
40+ gave birth, to a, ******* ******!
- at that age....
passing on the, "genes",
let alone "memes" (is no longer an
option):
                   but surrogate
parenting, in the form of adoption,
is...
  but of course, the neighbor
owning to his own business,
will receive the front of the parental
frustration, of a people,
too old, to receive the status
of fatherhood / motherhood...
more like... papa-grand-p'ah
and mama-grand-m'ah...
      i know my boat has already sailed...
i never wished to travel to las vegas
to take a gamble...
     why would i enforce some
obscure fatherhood desire
onto a woman, who has clearly
not established herself,
well enough, into 20+ years prior?
A grateful girl considers herself
a good thief, admires the wisdom
of her family and, finally,
remembers a song. Jessica Jackson
is not a pure student, and is close to choosing
a full-time student. Listen to dry land! I heard
the voice of the dead and my face
was in a former hospital.                               Conducting riddles on a bicycle,
do not be afraid of competitive games,
parenting preferences continue to ******* for men,
when the future of the future, Anthony Hard dies
in the Pacific Ocean, babies on poverty
and postsecondary education . Greeting,
dance, change in movement, Asian martial arts,
Asian Aswigal, accompanied by a series
of disasters with teachers in Caiñia, Tennessee.
IJ Gonja weekly cellular trial hearing
INGG Benefits and ongoing activities
Blocked calls are very popular.                         These are breaths, bad breath,
writing, color,                                              depth of feeling and consultation.
What can we do to obtain a bank account savings account?        Personalized coffee machine for everyone
and personalized planning, money, damage,                 speech, bread, smiles, sleep, security, crafts, age,                                                  immigration­ status.
Laughter, clean and silky cheeks,
butterflies, shields, shields, sun,
sometimes, real life and appreciation.
Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, People,
References,                                                 People are curious about the baby.
During the night, Asleel repeatedly
asks how many songs and friends
she takes while going to bed.       Do not forget to share the spirit of a family
in the dark, and finally, a grateful child
will find a song and find a perfect child.
Jason Jones Jason John was not wrong in his father's neighborhood.
He is a full-time student.
I hear the dead skin in the old hospital,
the voice of the dead and the basketball court.
Christmas organizers,                                                      ­  unusual ***** bribes
to life and precious opportunities
Eolinina in food and diet, Mortality
on the outside of the dead men of Anthony Whordy,          Parenting teachers
                                                                ­         to interpret the lives of parents,
Full-time and fat people whole,
Minutes, Mutants, Puzzles, Asbestos,
Cuba, haughty, private memory.
In these stories, the fire of a white
and white people. The proxy delegation has changed.          In the real world,
                                                                ­  the mathematics of modern Kenyan
children imitate murderers every day
during the hours of disorder.         The movement uses ING from what INGO
calls bad breath, breathes, writes,
glorifies, opposes, transmits, beauty
and escalation.      Coffee machines
and personal banking plans, money,
good results, speech, bread, smiles,
sleep, security, personal, inheritance,
inheritance, confusion, laughter,      hygiene and the need for a person to live
in Hoarse for a bank. Soft questions,
cheeks, butterflies, shields, shields,                                    sometimes the sun,
                                                                ­                         real life appreciation, need.                                                            ­                             Valentine's Day,
Mother's Day Love, People, References,
Children want to remember their child's
love.       In the evening, they kindly
asked how many songs and friends should
go before bedtime.                                                      A grateful girl considers
herself a good thief,                                                           admires the wisdom
of her family and, finally,                                                         ­       remembers
a song. Jessica Jackson is not a pure
student and is close to choosing
a full-time student. Listen to dry
land! I heard the voice of the dead
and my face was in a former hospital.
Johnny Noiπ Nov 2018
Sports is soft fascism: The Walther PP
series pistols are blowback-operated
semi-automatic pistols, developed by
the German arms manufacturer
Carl Walther GmbH Sportwaffen.
The whole city is in progress, healthcare,
work of the PKK and friends. The Can-can
used by women and girls. Do not hold me.
The office is listed below, address, assistant
and spouse. Moab is surrounded by insomnia.
These rooms are safe. It makes people feel
frightened, especially for humans, the PS
carrot is the owner of mafia. City. success?
That's the focus. Many big cities and fighting.
People's blood, bullying, traffic and space,
research and marketing, and later,
Wade and the job. Gypsies in Children
Step Back to Home Family Marriages
Parents Annual Marriage in Every Time
Schedule Not Returned to the Sea.
We have all the blood features in the airport
last year, vampires, bad vampires, coffee,
cakes, debris, oven, herbs, a good sugar.
City, eat and drink. The weaknesses
of the bacteria can even be worse.
Women in prostitution are prostitutes.
Need for hospitals and livestock.
Now we can help. This instruction is for use.
Moab's servants were in the mountain
of the captivity of Moab. Especially,
the faith of Al-Marian, especially in German
cities. Sparrow is not ***. Law of electrical
products. Yes No - There is no war in any city.
Follow the car loose. Students, staff
and PKK security begins with the old town. •
The last day of marriage is eradicated.
The sixth beneficiary is health and mental health.
Satan has the freedom of humanity and trust.
In front, mafia, other staff, security crew
and chemists and energy for it
and death at the hospital. Preventing
Bad Behavior. Moreover, we will ****
the police. National Education and Training:
The Confession of the Sapphire.
They join together. Cans can be used
by women and girls. The names of women
who are having problems and women
with physical problems. Just Mau Mau
and thereafter. In some places
there are many different things.
Men and women are important in the PKK
and motorcycles. City. success? That's the focus.
Many big cities and fighting. People's blood,
***, vehicles, ... use drugs and the use
of pollution in the city. Other services
in the police affect the safety of people
and their relatives, inadequacy and parenting. •
Possession and authorization by police
and law enforcement. The following
is an example of psychology of fraud.
The theme of investment ideas. In the future,
the strength of the woman is yours,
the parent and teacher of the store for ***
with men or smoking. Matthew, his wife's health,
being abuser, and return home.
One of the concerns and concerns,
the University of Science Library,
and Shopping Center has changed.
There are many jobs that will create a beach.
See the diseases of the disease.
Women in prostitution are prostitutes.
Need for hospitals and livestock.
Now we can help. This instruction is for use.
The Moab Mountains Are the Most High.
To reduce the people from prostitution.
In particular, Dr. Mary Imam Al-German
has attacked many cities. The sixth industry.
Address on the phone. Future Depression.
Mafia, police security and other functions.
That's why the doctor uses homosexual
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it does not differ from the garden.
Health and smaller BE. Valencia developer.
Today Vodemir Zagor is an Italian woman named Paz.
600 instead of in Brazil and 600 600
Surprise high schools. They know the pain
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but also in Germany by Caesar, Julius
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To Be Proud! Rock and Rock, Greg,
rock and rock, rock and stone. Policies
for homosexuality, fraud. Drug Abuse -
All of Azziz's visitors are demons.
Moab religion and country.
Protection equipment. Homosexuality,
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algebraic permissions, selected versions,
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Common Drugs, Main Problems and Weather Problems.
Algebra, progress in violence,
friends and rewards. The Mafia
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police services, gender, adult protection.
Drug effects on the side. Satan is an accident.
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Entrepreneurial **** plan and marriage •
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and the painful drafts, signs. Women change
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Mother and Youth. I'm not afraid.
The first titles are listed below for Help
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These are safe. People like to hear the PS
game to listen to people. The city:
Make the decisions you make. That's the focus.
Many great cities and conflicts. People,
terrorism, trade and research centers
and services. Gypsy is working on weddings
with children, the command operates right
now. Last year and last year all airports,
coffee and coffee, tobacco products, lakes,
plants, and they were good. City eats and drinks.
The harmful effects can not be dark.
Those who commit adultery are fraudulent.
It is important for hospitals and animals.
Now we can help you. That's it: Moab is Moab
in the mountains. Especially in Germany
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and plenty of ***. Maximum light. Yes No -
There is no war in any city.
Follow the car. Start with the oldest cities,
students, employees, PPK, and PKK. •
Complete the wedding day and the wedding day.
The first part is peace and health.
It has human rights. Military and other employees,
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Remove feature? We also killed police.
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They have joined. Traders can use it
for women and girls. Names of disabled people:
But in some places, you have many things to do.
Mateuš Conrad Sep 2018
.you might ask: why isn't third-party "issues": 34% in bold?! simple... depends who you do it with... AND believe me... we must be living in the golden age of prostitution... god they care about protection, one even said to me: i get checked for S.T.D.'s on a regular basis... and i'm pretty sure AIDS doesn't travel from the oral consumption of ****... stomach acids and whatnot... see... transparency... even if it was "****"... when she's crying like that... would i walk into a shop a buy / steal a leg of lamb with or without the usage of a transaction meta-object? ****... i'm interested in the metaphysics of money, sue me... but you never invest a person into the formula of ******* with a *******... there's absolutely zilch, in terms of investing with something beside your body... your character and what not... pure Newtonian physics... two ****-***** bodies colliding... and since it's a legal transaction... ****... what lie is there, breach of conduct? if you don't pay... the **** gets his way: adding fist to the face, first, and then a fist up your ***: and you can scream ****! ****! ****! all you want by then... the English can't accomplish the perfected art of an affair akin to the French... it's not in their Huguenots' nature... so why the elaborate lie? **** it... an hour at a brothel... and let me tell you... a ******* will ask you questions like a priest: questions like: do you have a girlfriend? affair over what? an hour, an impersonal hour with what allures a soul, a thought, but is fundamentally the reciprocal posit of your own body... sure as **** beats the ******* / stripper profession ****-tease... god... they're so ******* ethical these days, actually caring, telling you whether or not they check themselves regularly for STDs... mind you... one of them told me a story about a ****** in a Spanish brothel, by some pundit.

let's be honest, for once...
there's no point parading the matter,
orchestrated by some
distant pompous sentiment
for: whatever life was
supposed to be, for all of us,
but never became -
an alignment of thought and
being...
              
  what the **** has someone
done with my fox?! well... "my" fox...
he hasn't been seen
for two nights and i'm getting
worried!


i am a drunk -
        my maternal grandfather
was a drunk,
my paternal grandfather was
a drunk, my uncle is a drunk...
only my father with his
father complex is the odd one out...
genes took over...
if i didn't drink,
as i once did...
   bah... a fairy tale...
           why bother lying?

point being: i'm far from a drunk fiend...
a fiend nonetheless -
benevolent at times -
like... ah... **** it... whatever:
i'm not going to gloat about
my antics...

but at least i own my predisposition,
and thank **** that i'm
not looking for a partner -
as my grandmother used to
say about her son (my uncle):
it be better he stays alone
that brings misery to any woman...

hey, i have a drunk's perfect
stash of interests!
   i'm not going to repent either...
do "you" even think it would
be possible to
read a single book of philosophy
when paired to a woman?
i don't think so...

            and the hours i spend at
night, headphones on,
listening to **** like 90s sub-grunge
akin to mad season (song,
i'm alone)?
   **** no!

                i'd have philosophy in
body, looking across from me...
    i'm starting to contemplate
that man has internalized
the perfect woman...
while woman?
  has internalized the most imperfect
man...

           i'm starting to think
that, the whole physical reality,
puritanical materialism -
**** - going as far as undermining
the theory with transgenderism...
can i say that men are more patient
than women, when it should
be the opposite?
   well... then again, "should"...

i am what any woman would
consider - broken goods...
good... i like that...
       it means i can be left the **** alone...
drink as much as i want,
read as much of what middle-aged
women call: drivel (philosophy)
and spend my time listening
to a back-catalog of bands from
the 90s... or the prior century...

what... with the current statistics
from the Sunday Times Style
magazine?
      53% contra 32% of women
and men (respectively)
          are happier post-divorce...
61% contra 47% are happy staying single
post-divorce...
happy new singletons:
aged 55...
                 42% of marriages
are affected by divorce...
                86% cited not being ashamed
of divorce...
      ill harbor imbedded in
a former spouse men (17%) - women (8%)...
argument for divorce:
my spouse "changed" (49%) -
now... this is interesting -
i remember seeing this same *******
over a wide span of time...
the second time i saw her -
she said to me: but you haven't changed -
and subsequently starting crying
while drunk during ***...
so i know where "change" argument comes
from...
    ***** i aged... finito!
males more likely to date within
the first 6 months...
     66% had children of ex-spouses...
    90% agreed that staying in an unhappy
marriage is worse than divorce...
   i bet 99% would find life more rosy
than being dead: what with being wed
to life... sure as ****: i've seen my grandparents
at it... my parents... life outside of
marital constraints is so ******* rosy!
food stamps and no central heating...
rosy as ****!
          third-party "issues": 34%...
lack of communication: 29%
    incompatibility: 23%
          abuse: 22%...
           different "life goals": 20%...
***-related problems: 11%...
                  in-laws: 7%,
  parenting problems: 5%...
          financial issues: 14%...
well... well well...
isn't life just peachy!
           those percentages in bold?
they're in bold for a ******* reason...
the only reasons that would
make a divorce definitely prudish...
    the rest?
fickle people... little fickle people...
it's like eating a bowl of Haribo sweets!
the choices!

stats? Style report -
     1,060 of women and men surveyed
Fleur Britten...
     Style Magazine 23 Sept 2018...

well... i'm out, always was out...
no woman wants a drink,
and i have Sophia to think about...
       and what a spectacular failure
i am in this department...
the longest "relationship" i was in
didn't even pass the half year mark...
and that's even before i started
my career in drinking with Jack -
(by the way, he sends his warmest
regards) -

            bitter? no... not really...
i can't share a bed with a ******* cat,
let alone something much larger
and not furry...
             my bitterness dies within
the confines of an hour with
some Bulgarian girl
   who cries when she notices
my heart is an unwavering rock...

            ****... when she started crying
like that during ***,
talking about her daughter...
    what are you supposed to do
if not stop, cuddle,
and kiss her tears?
Jude kyrie Dec 2018
Birthdays and forevers

Jude writes as a woman again

Its my birthday
40 *** no not that age.
I turn In the bed the lounge lizard I met at the bar
last night wants one more go at me.

I tell him I need to take a call my mom
she calls me first on my birthday its a ritual.
She says her friend is coming in from Columbus Ohio
She has her son with her
she wants me to join them for dinner tonight
give them  a California welcome.

I went,
mom gave me
the men don't marry easy women speech
and told me she could see my *******
through my blouse.
I was ready for the boring night
of platitudes from moms friend.
But it was then I met him.

He was so beautiful
why do the young
have  to  be  So ******* beautiful.
He noticed my *******
I think he was fascinated by me
to my shame I flirted with him.
We went outside
I lit a joint and we shared it.

How. Old are you I asked
Old enough
  he said and held my gaze.
I took him home and ****** him
it was beautiful
not like the bar trash I usually got.
I wanted to give him everything.

My mom was mad the next day.
She said leave him alone he's only 23
But I didn't
I wanted to undress for him again.
And I did.

He would not go back home east
with his mother?
In truth I wanted him to stay
I let him stay at my place.
I never do that

I have not found anyone in ten years
I wanted to spend even  a weekend with.
But he touched me, deeply,
So ******* innocent
I gave him everything.

He had no job or money.
I found him playing Nintendo
after work and drinking my beer and wine.
He was a bit intoxicated one night
and I got mad and threw him out.

He phoned me twenty times a day
So I let him back
I undressed  for him as always
and he took me to the Bed
He had no condoms
but I Had missed him so much
I just wanted him.

It was eight weeks later
I realized I was pregnant?
Young guys like him
are full of fast moving fishes.
I sent him away back to Columbus
He was crying
and told me he loved me.
But I could not trap him
to parenting a baby.

A year later he
He was outside my door
he said he loved me
and couldn't live without me.
I tried to stop him coming in
but his beautiful eyes got me again

I undressed for him
and we made love on the bed.
The baby awoke in the next room
And he went in to see her.
He looked up at me
and he knew ...he knew

He said nothing
and picked up our daughter
holding her close to his heart.
He kissed her head
and comforted her,
Its alright honey
daddy's here
he whispered to the child

A year later

Our  second child
was born two weeks ago
hes a beautiful boy.
He has his father's eyes.

As for me,
I found my soulmate
nobody ever said
he had to the same age.
Jude writes as a woman again
Hey
This does not mean I understand women
Any better
I know you rode into my life on a white horse
Handsome, charming, caring and  intelligent
You spent hours upon hours invested in just me
Poems, stories, intimacy and words of love so soon

I know I craved the love, the care, the whispered words of family
Craved those words and feelings at the core of my being
So, I listened, I accepted, I trusted , I had faith
Those words, that love, that like a child, I so coveted

I know I was scared but wanted to love this man
Scared of your words were they truth?
Yes, please say yes, my heart argued with my mind
Of the speed – too fast my mind argued with my heart

I know you were a nine-year old little boy
Traumatized, abused, neglected
Getting into trouble to be seen and heard
To be cared for as a child of God with grace and love

I know your mind is poisoned
Poisoned with PTSD, bipolar, and traumas of war
I did not judge, I accepted, I listened, I understood, I supported
I believed the poison would not become part of us

I know you needed me
Needed my attention, my touch, my desire
Needed my presence, my life, my inner being, my laugh
Needed to feed your ego so you as a man could soar

I know I wanted so much to believe you were real
The man who told me the story of two acorns
Becoming a strong tree rooted in love
The man who took me church to say “marry me”

The man whose prose took us to faraway places
The man who sang me, “All of Me”
The man who idolized my existence
Who made me feel we would grow old holding hands

I know I said “I do, until death do us part”
In the presence of God, family and friends
I finally found the one who listens and understands
Allows emotion to flow from my eyes without fear and judgment

I know the poetic man was a mask
Needed for you to survive, feel, exist, and live
A mask that hid authentic dark truths behind beautiful words
Truths you never shared with me, your wife

I know when I needed you, you were not there
When I needed a soft place to land, concrete was where I fell
Your attention turned elsewhere,
An ailment, a child, an ex, a job or lack there of

I know your presence was not with me
Day and night your mind a million other places
Spinning round and round as it shot at tiny shiny flashes of light
You did not see me, you did not hear me – did I exist?

I know I fell from your pedestal as I pulled away
Emotionally unsafe, my inner child curled into a ball
He will hurt you, he does not love you,
Even his beautiful words could not pull me back to him

I know your hands touched me when I did not want them to
As you hurled your words of attraction and need for intimacy
And claimed “I am your husband”
I recoiled in fear

I know that without my emotional energy
Your ego shriveled into a dark mass and you sank so low
I became irrelevant and of no value to your life
Try as you may,  there was nothing left of me for you to feed

I know you made me feel crazy and confused
Ice in your eyes where once there was love
As your words and actions got ever so far apart
My questions were answered with disdain, tirades, judgments of right and wrong

I know in your darkness
You attacked my children, my parenting and my wants and my needs
Nothing I could do was enough – you required what I could no longer provide
You threw words of venom against me to my family and friends
“She is going to **** herself”
“I can’t help her anymore”
“She is having an episode”
“She is violent and out of control”
“She is having a breakdown”
“She is making bad decisions”
“She is making threats”
‘I am very upset and scared”


I know I felt fear -
Fear for my sanity
Fear for my marriage
Fear for the safety of myself and my children
Fear of the reality that was now mine
Fear that I made a terrible mistake that rainy day I said “I do”

I know when my value was no more, you discarded me
Discarded me – your wife being worthy of only an email
“Do not contact me except for items related to divorce”
You informed….

I know I no longer exist
That my goodness is gone from your thoughts and mind
Replaced by your reasons that you are my victim as those who have come before
As you search of your next source of energy in which you need to survive.

I know that I am left to pick up the pieces
To understand the tornado that blew through my life
And left nothing of us in the wake of its storm
I leave the pain, sorrow, sadness and confusion at Jesus’ feet.
For in Him I will continue on.
LylexRose Oct 2018
Ah its been a while...
Now let's do this...

Oh guess whose back, so just smile, grin and bare it
Downed a side of Jack stepped up to the mic and just killed it
Now whos the kid on the block who writes these maginficant lyrics
I could be some clown rapping about his shoes and I'd wear it
That's just who I am and why I was placed in this position it's scary
We've all just done some nasty **** and only the few have a spirit then use it to create a vision
Now I'm not playing but what they **** I did I do, I guess that's what happens when two uncreative ***** cause a collision
Can't help it that I smoke a little green and now suddenly mommy wants tell the youth I'm swallowed by herion
Feels like I've lost the plot would tell you to look to the sky but now I can't even find it
When I look at these people and seeing my  situation, just a shame I'm staring at the mirror
But away I'm just talking crazy it's not like either of you raised me
I pretty much doubt that you any idea about hard I worked to get here
Im not trying to brag but thanks to you guys I'm a modern day Shakespeare
And on one fateful day you decided to make that decision
Kicked my out on to the streets and you expect me to maintain my innocence
Used me against myself and make my feel like the menace
Oh looks like you've had a couple kids
Mum and dad don't give me that look, it's your job, you're my parents,
Too bad looks I've ****** up a lot a things and that's including your marriage

And do you know why...

It's because I'm the gutter boy (gutter boy!)
Couldn't give up cos I'm going further boy (gutter boy!)
Coming from a place like no other, boy
Turn up the heat no need to shiver boy
No Ice just a chain no need to shimmer boy
Now turn up this beat cos I'm a gutter boy (gutter boy!)

And you know what's funny...

Just take what I say with a grain of salt cos I no politician
But what I say comes from the heart so perk your ears up and listen
I'm not of those city boys I come from a place full of grey skies and an unholy division
A man of God, straight from the heart to mouth yet how can I call myself a christian, just barely
But I won't shed a tear or get offended just because I'm treated unfairly
Posting **** on Twitter just cos life ***** is just unnecessary
Take one for the team and take one to the chin because everyone has a past that people is just ordinary
I've dealt with your **** for long enough, it's time to close the book on this odyssey
Im'ma try to enjoy what's left of my life cos our time on this earth is only temporary
That's why I write the way I should, say what I say and why I do what I do it's just immaturity
You see Im'ma a poet to some, to others I'm getting by barely
But everybody knows I've never been afraid to say what's on my mind I can talk about anything
I sense a great war coming or maybe I'm already living off food stamps
Gear myself up to destroy these enemy camps
I'm the Oliver Francis Ferdinand cos these kids in America feel like they need a revamp
Oh dissing these ice rapping ******* so sourly
I'm the gutter boy begging for bread and just working it hourly
You think I care what you say, I do this my way, I'm not the one to be rapping so cowardly
Cos if you think I do this for the money, well you can kiss my profanity
Because if I do this for anyone, Im'ma do it with all that I have and this one's for what's left of my family....
Chris Jan 12
I AM RUDE .
I'm the rudest ******* you'll ever see.
The sailors and bus drivers, in all their glory,
aren't as half as rude as me.

I AM SARCASTIC,
I am not being sarcastic at all,
I mean you're doing sooo great figuring me out,
It's not painful to watch at all.

I AM INSANE,
The maddest horse in the senate,
Or was it the Caesar I cant remember,
I'm crazy **** it!

I AM SHALLOW,
If I had to spit or swallow,
I'd do both and say I had *** twice.
Just to feel nice.

I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON,
I am not a person at all,
I am a mirror of bad parenting
Lustful, petty and banal.
Michael Sep 2018
Being a stepparent is a fate worse than life.
I spend my time feeding into relationships that will not stand the test of time.
I am here as support, no matter what you need.
But no matter what I do I’ll never be he.

He who made you,
He who abandoned you.
He who caused you pain.

No matter what he does, you love him all the same.
Whatever I do I am looked on with disdain.

Being a stepdad is the hardest of all work,
Using me and running to him,
It makes my feelings hurt.

Yeah he may have made you but he never put in the work.
I don’t want to take his place,
I just want peace.

For you to love me will make me forever pleased.
How it feels to be a stepdad.
Lucas Kolthof Sep 2018
Feed the good wolf he says,
as if he knows right from wrong.

I am prey,
he remains hunter,
and this is where
I’m supposed to
let my hands gnarled,
******, to match
the stains on my back
because it’s more fitting, he says.

I learned that our parents
teach us sayings,
as translation always changes
throughout the years -

no words of mercy were staining lips
in the times of Roman hierarchy,
or how child abuse today
was merely strict parenting back then.

When they say curiosity killed the cat,
they never told us
satisfaction brought it back,
Or how jack of all trades is a master of none
but they don't tell us it is better than a master of one.

They lie to us,
because great minds think alike
yet fools rarely differ.

So don’t question me
when I believe
Blood of the covenant,
of word and life;
is thicker than
the water of the ****;

Don’t you remember?
The doctors cut me away at birth.

O, how wolves are now dead.

Just like this family does.
And here we are,
a mansion of memories,
waiting to take a number.

As if these walls now hold real grass,
and snaking each other out,
because we’re all hurting.

Don’t call me emotional,
for I used to see beauty in people;
now merely muscle and bone,
flesh and open wound,
skeletal mass, and empty.

I’ve finally learned.
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