i just woke up, but three hours before me you are still soundly sleeping. i can’t stop measuring heartbeats and gauging miles across torn up road maps, where each space in between whispers a breathy i miss you that can barely be heard.
i keep pacing around so much, that my floorboards have walked the distance between me and you, forming fault lines that go absolutely no where, no direction. my ceilings have been stared at so intensely that i long to feel you staring right back at me, but only feel my eyes being absorbed into an eternal black space above me.
its adventure and madness, and if it isn’t, then its too sane to be true love for me. my heart is now an empty void, and who knew that these miles between us would only destroy.
i pray every night to the stars that you’re happy and i hope they shine my prayers over you as you sleep. and when you wake, i envy the sun for getting to kiss your skin everyday.
the world keeps rotating, time keeps ticking, and you’re still not here. your love filled every crack inside my body, discovered parts of me i didn’t even know existed, and played symphonies on repeat in my head. tick tock tick tock, feeling things i have never felt, don’t let go, can’t let go. never.
inhaling like the way your arms embraced me. exhaling like the way i pushed you away.
when you look into her eyes, do you hope to see me in their reflection? all I’ve stared at is the stars from my windshield when i drive, the sidewalk and my feet as i walk, the computer screen as i rot out my ******* eyes, and a bunch of other god awful boring **** ******* **** **** ****.
i am the one waiting on you. and i always forever will be waiting. i swear to you, i won’t ever stop waiting. i say it every **** day to every person i meet. “yeah my ex-boyfriend from L.A. i’m running away with him one day forever.” every ******* person.
you are my ticket to the better life i need to live.
i wish i could reach you and touch your hand, but you blocked my number.
“hey” “hey! how are you” “i miss you” “help I’m ****** up” “i miss you” “i need you” but nothing ever gets delivered.
you’ll never hear my cries for help.
where have you been? where did you go?
i know you’re forgetting about me and there’s nothing i can do about it.
where are you? the guy who would take videos of me doing my makeup in the bathroom mirror? the guy who kissed my forehead as i slept? the guy who traveled miles and miles just to kiss my lips?
where is he?
remember those moments during the days leading up to when we met again in new york city? how everything just felt so right and meant to be over simple text messages? we didn’t even have to be physically with each other to know it was meant to be
i miss the way your finger strokes my cheek, but i also miss the way your hand grabbed my hair from behind. i miss the way you curl your arm around my waist, but i also miss the way you pushed my wrists into the mattress.
so many miles.
maybe this isn’t going to happen.
i keep telling myself it is, but maybe I’m wrong, maybe i’m crazy and delusional.
you are the forbidden fruit.
i bit into you once and tasted your sweet taste and lived with you in that moment.
but now you’re gone and all i have left is certainly no garden of eden.
a life barely worth living
what if it stays like this forever? what if it never rekindles again? what if we never meet again? what if i never get to stare into those blue eyes again? kiss those soft lips again? feel those hands around my waist again? run my fingers through that hair again? what if i stay this way forever? no one falls in love with me ever again?
what if i’m unloveable?
let’s be honest. this feeling’s never leaving.
i’m having my doubts. maybe you don’t actually feel the same way i do, or the same way i felt.
maybe you love every girl the same, but to me it was the most love i’ve ever felt in my entire life.
maybe i was played.
i don’t know what to think anymore.
“find what you’d die for and live for it”
then i guess what i’m living for is you
each and every day.
i know you’re somewhere.
“no jumping from the pier,” said the manhattan beach sign.
but i jumped anyways.
i dream of you.
i dream of you rolling over into your warmth before the sun rises
or walking briskly in the open air of boston.
i dream of a little girl.
i dream of combing her hair every day
half of me and half of you
watching her grow and carry my strength
but mostly embodying your kind heart.
i dream of the louvre.
i dream of the first moment my eyes met yours.
i dream of our forever.
i dream of being the perfect version of me.
i dream of my wandering heart settling into yours.
i dream of us.
i dream of you.
nothing seems to change. i am stuck.
nothing but old high how are yous where my head spins at each thought of your shining face.
one minute you’re riding your bike around the block to your best friends house to go to the local town pool.
the next minute, you meet the love of your life in paris at only 16.
the next minute, you lose the love of your life somehow and everything seems to blur.
then suddenly you’re stuck in this blur. nothing moves anymore.
it’s getting colder, but i’ve been frozen ever since i left you.
my brain is mush. i can’t even think anymore.
or maybe i think too much?
how did i end up here?
i don’t know where i belong anymore. new york city’s lively streets? los angeles’s aura on the beach? parisian café’s sipping coffee? boston bars with the music blaring? pennsylvanian countryside wandering the forest? dead?
what does she have that i don’t have? what is it about her that he likes?
is she smarter than me? more intellectual than me? he finds her interesting and stimulating to talk to?
or maybe she has more money than me? has a large fortune waiting for her? and they want to be rich together and soak up in each others richness?
is he in love with her the same way he was in love with me?
please don’t just be a memory. you’re more than just a memory. i am more than just a memory.
our story is more than just a memory.
dial tones are my least favorite sound.
it’s the only sound associated with waiting, or at least what i can think of.
dial tones are all i hear when i try to reach you.
i can’t even make a phone call without my heart plunging into my stomach, forcing me to think about you.
i wish i could snap my fingers and fast forward into another world where you and i never parted.
I DIDNT WANT TO HOLD YOU BACK from all the energy that DARTED from your fingertips.
i let you go so the WORLD COULD SEE THE LIGHT SHINING FROM YOU and so you can soak in the world’s energy right back
in hopes that one day we’ll have absorbed so much life that we can find more life in each other again.
i can’t pretend this didn’t happen.
once again, you have entered my time zone and have entered my mind. the strings between us have shortened and i can feel them pull and strain as my heart pulls toward you. a lingering presence of your restraint still haunts me and has me wondering if you even still love me at all.
please see beyond your restraint and reach out to me with open arms. please recognize my good intentions and never-ending love that goes above and beyond what we think we are capable of loving.
sirens of your toxic spirit blaring all throughout the east coast once again and i can’t help but listen to their alluring call. a game of tag across the time zones. tag you’re it.
time keeps on ticking and the earth continues rotating, but i have halted. the universe has spoken to me far too many times through its catastrophic blows towards me. i have decided that i no longer want to be a victim of your continuous presence and diminishing universal energy.
i pray that this is the last time i ever write in this document, or at least hopefully not for a long time.
but you see there lies my problem again: time. i keep praying that you’ll come back, if not now, then later, but later is too far away and i am tired of this eternal suffering.
in order for the universe to come into alignment with me again, i must let go of the already-happened past, let go of the god-only-knows future, and embrace my current present state.
an ongoing poem of my thoughts since i left you.