Dear mommy,
I miss you, though I don't remember who you are
I was only three when you left me
All I can remember is you falling
to the ground in front of me...
shaking uncontrollably
Dear mommy,
why aren't you here to hold me?
they say you're never coming home;
that you've moved on to heaven...
what is this place?
and why is it more important
for you to be there ?
They say god decided to take you away;
They say that I should pray
Why would I pray to this thing called God
when he's the one who took you
in the first place?
I don't believe he would care
Better yet,
I don't believe he's anything
more than air
Dear mommy,
I want answers
but I'm given none
I lay awake at night in despair,
trying to understand
why you're neither here
nor there...
I gather information
from listening to those
who talk as if I'm not there
They say daddy is the reason you died
He got you hooked on these things called drugs, and from there
you were barely alive
They tell me im lucky to have survived,
that I'm a miracle child
but what miracle is it to be abandoned
and left to wonder why?
Dear mommy,
Was it the drugs that killed you?
or those violent seizures?
Why do they keep telling me im lucky
to be alive?
Did you not intend for me to survive?
I was not told
until I was around 13 or 14 years old
That you pumped ****** into your veins
and along with it,
a deadly virus they call AIDS
I should've been born with it too
How I escaped it,
they have no clue...
guess I wasn't destined
to end up like you
Dear mommy,
Aren't you supposed to protect me?
How could you choose drugs
over your own children?
I start to see you as nothing
more than a common villian
How could you leave me with a father that doesn't care?
One who disappears
for what seems like days,
only to return in a drug induced haze
It fills me with ******* rage
Dear mother,
It's easier to hate you
than it is to miss you
I don't know how to deal
I don't even know how to feel
I want to cry but i fear that
will make me weak
I cannot speak
From here on out
I adopt a life of doubt
I start to hide. ..
my feelings are kept on the inside
I am numb
and often pretend to be dumb
I turn to anger, ***
and physical pain
to ease the incessant turmoil
going on inside my brain
I scream
but it's all in vain
I start to act out in ways I can't explain
Dear mother,
I'm starting to feel
as if I'm going ******* insane!
I have no one
to help me feel better;
to help me contain my anger
Instead, those around me make it worse
Im about to burst
I want to be loved,
Not put down and seen as a burden
The only one who comes close
to loving me unconditionally
is your mother
but she can't help me,
she is mentally and emotionally
abused in front of me daily
by your own brother,
how could he do this
to his own mother? !
Dear mother,
He oinks at my sister and I,
calls us pigs,
says we're disgusting women
and acts as if we're heathen.
He yells at Grandma for
everything, especially
mispronouncation
she begs for forgiveness
for a crime not committed.
He causes her to live in fear and tears
He even makes fun of her for crying!
I feel I am slowly dying
I pray he'll hit me
so I have cause to grab a knife
and end his sorry, disgusting life
and maybe, just maybe...
ease some of my strife
I fear the only thing
keeping me from killing him
is not wanting to end up
like my father in prison.
Dear mother,
I can not take anymore
I start to lose sight of what's right
All the while, grandma sobs
and begs me to stop and relax
Stop what?
sticking up for myself and those I love? !
No! I absolutely cannot!
I'd rather ******* rot!
why is she so spineless?!
why is she so weak?!
I have no one to look up to,
no one that I can seek
I start to yell at her and become
the monster I dare not speak of
I am ashamed
for me and for her
I cannot deal
All these feelings I try to hide
are scratching at my insides
Im at my wit's end when
he finally pushes me to the edge
I can no longer refrain from unleashing
my ******* rage
I choke him,
then run and grab a knife
I break it into two with my hands;
revel in the sting of the blade
as it cuts through my skin
I then throw the pieces at him
The look of fear on his face
fills me with pride,
it makes me feel alive!
Run *******
before you meet your demise
Or maybe it is I
who should run
before I come completely undone.
No, I cannot leave my loved ones
with no protection,
left to be consumed
by this man's hateful archaic agression
Besides, I have too much pride
to run and hide
Dear mother,
I've now become the disgrace
To me and my "family"
They talk **** about me
like it's some kind of game
They say im insane
They refuse to take the time
to see that im in ******* pain
and apparently,
the only one with the courage
to stand up and tell him to *******? !
I reach out for help
but should already know
I won't be given any
They're all caught in their own
mental and emotional tailspin
My brother tells me im causing
my grandma stress,
that ill be the cause of her death.
I find myself waking every night
listening for her breath
Scared that she'll join you
and there will be no one left
Dear mother,
Look who you left me with
Blind,pathetic, foolish swine
who tell me I should stand idly by
while my sister and my grandma
are abused in front of my very eyes
They tell me I have it easy,
lucky to have a roof over my head
no matter how much it fills me with dread
They always remind me
that im lucky to be alive
This is why
It took me to the age of 25
to realize
I have never truly loved or lived
just
barely
survived.
