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Long drives, chai and that heavy metal song

Days may have been shorter but those nights always felt long

Wonder why these little things

Pinch every moment I live today

With every breath chasing answers

Every prayer cajoling you to still stay

Every day, since you left, feels unreal,

something I refuse to always believe

It shocks me how my mind sets those dark deals

Contemplating your choice to instantly leave

Nights are sleepless, as days pass by

Yet nothing remains other than the regret of those past lies

My heart sinks recalling every memory we shared

Can't even describe how living this life has never made me this scared.

The world without you was still as normal as before

But in my head, it all felt as if I sank just a tad bit more

As I stepped out of those four walls into reality

I left a piece of my broken self among those closed doors

Voices are silenced and memories have faded like sawdust in the air

You've gone to stars, as my fingers tremble to see you there.

That urge to strongly get out of here

never thought it would make me fear

Every word I said repeats constantly inside

As regret fills me up and my will to live dies

Was sort of pain already never enough

You had to teach me this lesson as you rest in the heavens above

Wish I could show you what it felt like

to feel what you've made me feel in this very time

Tarnishing my ability to internally heal

Feeling like I was worth less than a dime

Crying, sobbing, reminiscing isn't abnormal in these stages

Grief is so wholesome, it fades but never ages

Wounds feel as fresh as new as they hit my heart

Rewind is so addictive, can't begin to restart

Dark nights or sunny days

Stormy sights alongside a summery haze

Nothing matches up to such harsh goodbyes

Except me asking a thousand whys

Eventually, I know we'll all find something new to taste,

a new perspective that'll never go to waste,

yet welcoming this novel self that I become,

closes a portion of me that's so tight and numb

Every morning I ask God a million questions

About what may have possibly gone wrong

Agonising this personal invasion

And feeling as if nowhere is where I truly belong

With no answers but teary eyes,

that forcefully shut through these terrible mental bytes,

of familiarity that sticks to you being around,

my new normal is so unbearably drowned

I've been walking on this

never-ending highway to a living human hell,

With a drop of inevitable trauma and

the feeling of frozen body cells

There's a space that remains empty

That possibly can't be refilled

I hope you forgive me gently

As closure defeats the intuitive guilt

The human body has been known to forget

To restart, refresh, retake and reset

But no film matches to the ****** of this one

You were so much more than what can't now be undone

I'm obviously progressing through the present as it may seem,

but that night, that decision, that action still is as if it were a dream,

when the trauma shall surpass, the memories appear,

never had the thought of losing you this year

You're the memory I'll never forget,

those days we spent can't be over just yet,

truth is you ain't here anymore,

you've left too soon and will be missed to the core
Suicide is a really harmful decision. It may leave you in peace but your loved ones remain in pieces.
Rose Everest Nov 2018
It was supposed to be the both of us and our mutuals,
But it ended up being just the both of us going out.

Watching a romantic film for two people in a weird relationship,
It was not as friends nor lovers.

I wore my best clothes and make up just to impress you,
Which in the end I did.

We took a couple of pictures and we both went to the theaters together,
Sat next to each other.

In the car you and I sat in the backseat,
You gave me your jacket, played with my hair.

And you put your face 10cm away from mine.

And you still pick her over me.
It was supposed to be a date bit in the end his friend came.
Monica Nov 2020
Rose petals
Sharp knive
Sparkling ballgown
Dazzled yet heavy crown
White gloves
Damage heels
Unbearable armor
Complicated manner
Tricky mutuals


you know? being a Princess isn't that easy
solfang May 2019
hey mutual,
how are you doing today?
glad you got away
from the abuse he gave,
and the mean words he said.

mutual,
I remember you,
defending the bruises
and the scars he left,
they were all blue.

mutual,
you were in love
with the idea of being loved,
you weren't in love,
with the idea of getting hurt.

mutual,
we're no longer mutuals,
you're no longer mutuals
with him too,
and that's okay.

I'm glad that help is on its way.
I was mutual friends with this ******* Facebook; constantly saw her updates on her abusive relationship. Last we got connected, I figured she got out of it, and that's more than okay.
a h Dec 2014
i’m afraid.
i’m absolutely terrified of losing you
you dropping out of my life one day with no explanation
or finding someone else that gives you more than i can

i know you won't leave i believe you with all my heart when you say you're not going anywhere
but then my brain thinks it's allowed to think whatever off the wall **** it wants to
and i freak out
~
i guess im more afraid of how fast these feelings we have evolved from
cute instagram mutuals
to
saying those three words we say that make my heart have a spaz attack like im in the seventh ******* grade having my first serious crush
im afraid of
how fast i said those stupid ******* words that i promised id never say again
and now im saying them over and over again to you
but i mean them i swear on everything that i do mean them
~
i get stuck up in my head
my anxieties are so crippling i'll sit for hours just thinking about things like
the words im using
what feelings im being open about
which ones im not
what if i say something too much
or too fast
****
these scenarios start playing in my head like a broken record every time either one of us says something even remotely close to having to do with how we feel about each other
~
every single person that's ever been in my life
no
they've broken me
each and every one of them
separately
and i  used to try so hard to find the courage to trust people but every time i did it'd get torn down again
but i trust you
i trust you and it's terrifying
i want you and it's terrifying
of course i love you and of course
(i need you)
that's so so so ******* terrifying
~
i used to swallow a fist full of pills every day to numb my emotions
so i could at least barely get by
the problem (besides the obvious drug abuse) is that while i was neglecting to feel those emotions
i was also neglecting to learn how to
feel them
without panicking
~
i am pretty **** weak still
there
i said it
i am weak
i have no idea what im doing
~
im not just saying this
ive never opened up to someone like
i have to you before
ive never really opened up to anyone at all
~
please put up with me
don't get tired of dealing with my scramble brains and thoughts and emotions
im getting there
im trying
Brave Wilson Feb 2023
Sometimes I say hallo to people…
and nobody says hallo back.
Sometimes I smile for people...
and see no one smiling back...

Sometimes I post romantically,
Sometimes I post humorously,
Sometimes I post religiously
Yet, nobody ever responds… Ironically,

Sometimes I write letters to one of my mutuals,
Talking about us, how wrong we went,
How sad we felt, how much joy we shared,
How we promised each other’s future.

Sometimes I make a bond fire from those letters,
Sometimes I hug those very flames to remember the warmth I once felt from her embrace.

Sometimes I look at my burn marks,
And I realize, she was just a flame that embraced me,
and left some scars so I would remember her…. Sometimes…
Astral May 2015
I awoke one morning to see the rain pouring softly, a mist against my window

I looked outside and not a sound to be heard, the birds were not conducting their melodies, the wind not writing its poems among the trees

Every soul seemed to be gone, I looked to my mailbox and not a single letter, I looked to my friends and none would answer

The same for my parents, and all my mutuals, it seems I was all alone

Did I do something wrong to have caused this rapture? The silence was deafening to my mind

I’m not sure what has caused all of this, but I guess I’ve become king of lonliness, and I sit and look at my empty kingdom
Majid Sep 2017
Stressing, over a gun you were born by
Just like that bullet you were waiting
To penetrate every change about to come
To ****, not to hang around, not to stump

They paint you in black and white, though you hate it
You love it when you do
You lick your scars with frustration to burn
Your present, your future, as they seem too blue

Blue, as your madness, blue as your fate
Your fate will hit you, like a bullet in the back
Though it feels so great, it hurts to wait
You wait, for it to knock on your door

Hard, stronger than it did before
Fate, running towards your open gate
Can’t hug yourself you can’t runaway
Beautiful, but everything upon your skin is fake

Rage, against your soul against what made it cruel
Lost, what you crossed many times before
You crossed, the filthy lines between your thoughts
Kissed, your gun to cool down the trigger you fought

Swallowed each bullet to taste the bitterness-
Of your future, of your lustiness
Take a look at your blue heart as it beats down for you
One hit, can turn your loud laughs into one long silence

In the middle of emptiness you pulled yourself
Stuck, in the middle of resembling
Your past your present and your future
Your misery your happiness and their mutuals

In between weak mountains you lost your soul-
Mockery of the strength I’m aching, I held it
Mockery of the misery lost in emptiness, I saved it
Saved it from silver, from gold, from pain

Of the love stranded in fields of silver
Good God, it felt so good, God-
It felt so painful, blissful
God, how your own greed can get so blissful

Scripted misery of them
Lost, isolated with no humanity to find
Inside the same hole, of whispering, of warmth
I look into the mirror, as I get blind

Warmth scripted with their blood-
With demons, quenching my thirst
Eating up my own soul, with thoughts that burst-
The walls of the future, of what it has to behold
That happened
DC raw love Jun 2015
Just when one goes through so many hearts...
Just when one feels that they can never love again...
Just when one builds their wall that is to be periment....
Just when one feels they can never feel that first love feeling....

It then happens!!!

How?
I would never think and I never had a clue....

I guess in life anything is possible.

I always figured I had a better chance of winning the lotto....
There are always mutuals things that two like about each other....
Then finding a girl that cares for you, yet likes some opposite things....

When you find this person, never let them go.......
Ge to really understand that person.....
Tell them your real feelings......
Break out your skeletons...
Hold back nothing........
Play no games.....
Show love.....
Be real....

You know......
When it is right......
Any two can fall in love.....
If it is meant to be, it will happen......
Syzygy Feb 2020
I don't know when talking to you became as natural as breathing.

I don't know how we absorbed each other's slang and managed to craft such creative conversations.

I don't know what you've heard from mutuals about me.

I don't know who else you told about me but all of my friends know about you.

I don't know about the experiences you had over the summer.
I won't ask.

I don't know if I love you, but the tremors in my chest at the mere mention of your name provide a convincing argument.

I don't know if telling you my feelings was truly the best decision.

But, I do know you feel the same
That we would never work.
1:18 am really hits different
Chandy Jul 11
On this day, I claim
Rebellion against the life we have made
Where millions are muted, mutilated
Muttering truth to give meaning to myths
Until they ******* muzzles
Our feelings are mutual
But we are not mutuals
More divides us than unites us
Mysticism is a mystery
With no solution, only excuses
Treated like the product we consume
Thrown, discarded, mass-produced
Is this why I feel weak with myself?
If peace is mythical
Burn the world down, make it rise as a phoenix
i can't do the mutuals
but i loved your vibe babe
i'm no fountain of negativity
but i can't fix my face
it's the truth
and i shouldn't have to hide it
it's not a *******
but it is decided
moving on on moving on
leave the key under the mat
and if you go that way
please don't ever come back
cause i can't do the crossover
i cut those ties for a reason
i can't ignore the pit in my stomach
what were you thinking
that you could have it all
the best of both worlds
well it ain't that peachy
good intentions curl
into ignored boundaries
that i cannot concede
good for you truly
now you can just let me be

— The End —