She's thoroughbred hunger
From her double shift mom to her deadbeat dad

She tiptoes through junkyard junglegyms
Collecting alleyway beach glass

She learned to swindle
Haggled survival with the big guy
Big sisters traded on corners

She was one
Karma mustve forgotten
While doing rounds

She's got an invincible soul
Stitched of disappointments
Wrapped in sorrow
Hope as a bow

He's thoroughbred gluttony
From mommas limelight jewels to daddy's sin-shined shoes

He learned to swindle
To thrive
Wall street walk on the 99%

Politician promises
To impermanent faces

Costly trips
To extravagant places

Mixing up "enough"
With "more"

Looking for happiness
In a store

Though it seems to me
Whats made of life
Is what makes life worth living for

I watched my father from a distance
Being mauled by a bear
And even from this far away
In his eyes i could see fear
Pure ******* fear

I listened to lucy tell me
The worst thing Ive ever heard
About how 2 men grabbed and  ***** her
Is that worse than being mauled?

I do not know
But i guess they mustve screamed
So loudly into the distance
She was only thirteen

Only thirteen
And I was twelve at the time
I asked her if it hurt
I should’ve known better
Instead I made it worse

I met Daniel at a party
He showed me his scars
He said his father shot himself
So he decorates his arms

And monica paints pictures
Of skies so beautifully blue
Though she herself is dying
Just skin and bones and truth

I asked her if she found it
In all the painting’s she created
Did you find Daniels father?
Was he cremated?
Did you find Lucy’s innocence?
Unburdened her of her shame?
Can your paintbrush do that?
Can it make you sane?

What about my mother
Does she have a say
Can she ever get back
What was lost that day?

Can you paint my eyes
So they un-see what was seen
Can you paint the sounds
Of Lucy's silent screams
Can you paint Daniels arms
Make the scar's disappear?
Can a ******* painting
Ever make things all clear?

i bore at this empty white sheet
waiting to acquire my words.
for i wish to elaborate that night i spent under the stars;
so i close my eyes to recall that vision.
but, i cant.

all i see is this black void.
"look into your mind!"
but, i cant.

you told me to shut my eyes, to see the beach.
to close my eyes;
to imagine a world like that.
to cover my vision with my eyelid.
to sense that night again.
but, i cant.

for,
when i 'look' back to that night;
i pick up the sheer screeching of the crickets
while we counted the stars.
i looked at you and smiled;
locked in your eyes for a while.
surely,
i mustve seen something magnificent in them.
now, you looked back and laughed;
and i had the urge to greet your lips with mine.
surely,
i mustve seen something lovable in them.

i know,
you told me you relive those moments much too often,
you compare it to your favorite episode from the office.
but, i cant.

we were in love

i remember you pulling me closely, your hands secure around my waist
you kissed my nose and the butterflys surrounded us
they danced and swayed to the song of our laughter

like the one time when we were walking to the car and it started raining
instead of just jetting to the car you grabbed my hand and said "dance with me."

like that one time you waiting by my window until i would open it,
i still remember that song you played for me
how i just wanted to jump right then and there and let you catch me
you mustve saw it on my face because you laughed and pouted "cant catch you here baby, but we can try"

it wasnt just the feeling of love
it was the feeling of someone caring about you
to no extent
i never understood the concept of love
until i met you
once i did.
back then
once i did.
back when.
once i did
back when u were here
once i did.
now its you i fear
you turned that love into hate
in one simple state ment
the one you left on my doorstep
a goodbye wouldve been better
but i guess the thrill is what always got you huh?
once i did love..
you.

I cant blame the influence that defined the ear
Or poke fun at the child with a leakin defined tear.
Some have roamed the ocean and remained perfect in their own,
But to the one who created a master piece
Blind to the definitive night mustve been prone
To such acts a long time ago.
You’re praised, just watch out for Brutus.
Matter of fact, tell him to secure his hand from himself
Most arent ready, but to you I say, “Run and never come back.”
You already are… Oct 30 12:21 good morning

a delay in my eyes= my head is gone
i had better plans for the future
follow through (a taste of codeine)))
a shakespearian poet once told me that my face would look better with his **** in my mouth
hahaha huh aha they sing baby rattler snake bite bi teME
I TOLD YOU my head is gone  ?   the lines are all mixed up
i cant read you like i can the back of my palms (blck… tar  )
   crack babies *** want some of    [ REDACTED ]
stop walking by my door i know you want the rent but all i can give you is a black eye
satan mustve been a pretty fun          guy
you think you can Swallow a little bit of my breath
it# barely moves ###
break even-even break my bones before i die

noone has eyes left in this room. i mustve walked in through the wall. tiptoed around the piled-up death, im *****, and marched my smile right into the madness. ill **** any corpse clever enough to not be a corpse...but any corpse will do... with that glazed look from your face filled with dumbness, i wonder what it is youre imagining; to deduce, one must wonder: did ye hast eyes from the birthening??..... cold grey child, id have gone wild on your skin. but now, with fear etched in your brow, youre stretched too thin for it to be sin. with my hooves and my claws i applaud your rotting body torn and clawed. i tare your form from form. and from existence; the never born. enjoying the rhythm of clacking teeth to the tone of your lungs collapsing. im dancing and laughing. prancing and clapping like the little dead girl that im wearing, every stitch is miss-matching.. and yes, your being im crushing, and youre no audience, but still, im blushing; i look smashing. not much of a musician, but ill try to make nice sounds. tips and taps and hums and dee-dee-dee's. clicks and clacks from my tongue.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AAAAHHHHHHHH... its so FRIGHTENING!!!! ISNT IT?!! and you like it. it excites you.. it makes nice sounds. so much so your orgasming or convulsing. and your eyes would be rolling in the back of your head if you didnt have gaping holes there instead. that i **** and i fill as your soul escapes and spills out onto the floor; like a snake to its skin: you poor thing, youve shed. the puddle of you left mumbles some useless question with your definite last breath: why? - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! WHY??! ..for i am the cataract in satans left eye while i swiftly sew his right eye shut. to see nothing but the haze of souls to fry every time he decides to look up.... and thus you bubble some sputter and spew with your mouth gaping wide as my tongue laps your hyde. HHHHHH... i steal that last breath from you from inside of your chest as i give you your death. fear freedom you spawnless *****. as i drop a very large stone onto your chest cavity. i give you your death but in death, again and again... you look ravishing. i am the Maddening.

the air put your head in my own
said youll never leave me alone
but when will it scare you to stay
you walk, you cannot walk away
i need you to learn how to breathe
undo what youve done to the breeze
the weight will be carried by few
but shared until nothing is true
is that what you want to desire
to make of yourself but a liar
ive heard all the thoughts you dont speak
theyre all too familiar to me
you dont have to hide in my head
it mustve been something i said

I hope my eyes arent deceiving me
Because ive never beheld such beauty
Her long silky hair, her eyes and smile though pain it mustve masked
She was like a gem from angle, perfection in all aspects
Her laughter was like a chord on a spanish guitar
Man, we couldve gone so far
Together as one, mind body and soul joined together
But i couldnt muster up the courage to tell you how i felt, and after the fact we talk and you felt the same
Man, regret is gonna drive both of us insane

Your  very essence,
         Mustve been made from the Sun
    Because ,you make me feel warm inside

Ill stand and brave the weather
If it means we can be together.
The wetter the better

I will never discover
Another lover
Hide under the covers
To discover the wonder.

All these things I did
You just seemed to miss
Everything that was bliss
Is now so amiss

All the time spent growing
Has begun slowing
You mustve felt like you were towing me
But that was because of my broken knee

That you caused
Yet you wouldn't pause
To get the gauze

You just left me
Its so distressing

I sit here yet another time with my head in my hands
I really dont know if i can go through this again
I take the test for what seems like the thousandth time
But another negative is all i find
I cant help but bring my hands to my stomach
Wishing i had my own child so that i can love it
What have i deserved to go through this time to time again
God i thought you were suppose to be a helping friend
But now i have to get myself back up off the floor
I cant help but do it again and go back for more.
I cant help but want to have a kid of my own
So i can hold them in my arms and watch them grow
I know that i most likely wont ever get pregnant
I just wish id get at least one miracle present

I missed a period and i been getting sick
I hope its here. I hope this it it
I try not to get my hopes up to high but deep down i think my heart is racing
I *** on the stick, back and forth i start pacing

Two minutes, ding it is up
Gave it one more minute just for good luck
I walk over and look at the stick
Im so nervous as i glance down
Another negative i can feel my self breaking down

Why god just please tell me what is wrong with me
God i am on my knees begging you please
This pain is just to much to bear
I really am starting to get scared

Why? Why can i not concieve
Why? Why so many times have i been decieved
So many false signs
God its like you are laughing at me from the sidelines

I know i am not perfect
I know i am not always fine
Not just a piece or just a big part
I will love my child with all my heart

So i just want to understand why i am going through again
I finally calm myself down
I think i give up on having a child
Trying so hard i mustve gone wild

So then i said i give up
A wall is what i slowly built up
I look in my mirror and my eyes look dull
I see the pain and my wall slowly gets morr tall

Even though i have guarded my mind
Through my eyes my heart is easy to find
It seems it is slowly withering away
I dont even have the words left to say

I look at Jason my fiance
He looks so sad and upset
He said when i agreed to stop trying it's something i regret  
You have lost yourself even more than before
I love you with all my heart and even more
How about we find another way
Adoption is what i say

The child will be ours and we will love them as our own
Our love for them will be clearly shown
I lift my head more and tears form in my eyes
I said yes we will give it a try