My love for you has started to astrophy
Muscel memory only exist if you can actually remember how to use it
And my heart has been cold for a long time
Frozen in a state of anguish
I do not want it back
Because with it comes pain and heartache
I can not take it anymore
My body has had enough
It's like self flagellation
Only I never see it coming
And it ******* carries a heavy punch

It's easy to walk around and pretend
That Felicity still belongs to me
And a lot harder to live in truth and wear my pain on my sleeve, a place my heart should be
I've never really had to be in the closet before
But with this...
With this I find skeletons pilling up around
Me 
No air left to breath

I feel like I am running
Running out of time
Running out of energy
Running out of hope
And I refuse to bruise my knees
For someone who needs
More than I can give

Hours of unuttered pain
Every muscel working together
Her birth canal opening with every
Intence contraction..cm to cm
And it was only at the last push
She felt the profound connection...between she, the baby
And the Creator
True meaning she felt of giving to this world a soul
The last push she felt it
The last push

When I look across the field I do not see people, I see predators.
Watching, waiting, expecting.
I don’t focus on them, or at least try not to.
People are screaming. Why aren’t you screaming too?
I should be.
But there is too much going on,  I need to get away. For even a second.
Could you let me breathe?
A blackness fills my eyelids as my mind begins to wander my memory.
There is sand in my shoes.
I’m not scared. No one’s watching.
No one cares.
Something tugs the edge of my lip upward.
I’m free.
I close my eyes tighter, my vision is blurred.
Tears fog over my eyes as my feet jump instinctively.
Sweat hovers over me like a familiar friend; hugs me closer than I could allow.
Next on deck!
The harsh voice snaps me back into reality, no longer can I confide in the comforts of memory.
It’s time.
I let go a wobbly breath. Come on, come on…
He thinks I can’t hear him.
He is all I hear.
Everyone is watching me. Those behind be watch me even carefully, mimicking my steps, making a mental watch for my weaknesses.
The familiar friend becomes cool on my arm.
Every muscel is aching, wanting for more.
Pain becomes a friend.
I’m giving all of myself, surrendering myself to what I have worked for.
I’m running.
And suddenly,
I’m not.
Has an unknown deity released me from my pain? I am no longer a slave to gravity, I’m flying.
I’m there. I’ve landed.
I’m in chains; slavery has never felt more bliss.
A smile tugs at the edge of my mouth as I look to where I have landed.
But wait.
My breath hitches. What’s wrong?
I’m unstable.
I fall.
Back.
Gasps erupt around me like a match set to gasoline.
Did she fall back? Oh no, poor girl!
Poor girl? Poor girl? Brave girl I knew. Strong girl I embraced. Hard working girl I wore like a badge.
Poor girl? I was strangely unfamiliar with these words.
If my face didn’t show my anguish, my tears did.
You didn’t truly think you could do it, did you?
Disappointment.
Defeat.
Torment, sorrow, distress; my mind joines my tears in a race.
The sand beneath me turns to mud. I don’t care.
But I do.
And so so much. There was nothing on this planet I could remember caring more for.
This is who I am!
This is the moment of my life that I am to become who I ought to be.
Or so I thought.
Or so I dreamed.
Or so I inhaled a fantasy which I was convinced could be real.
One that was almost real.
Almost is never enough.