You've got this way of moving
That always made me believe that you
Wanted me to learn how to dance
Because that was what was to be done.
Little girls were to take ballet
And not kiss other girls behind closed doors.
That's what you always taught me.
But, no, you never said those words.
All you said was a child's version of
"Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir."
But actions speak louder than...
...Wait for it...
Words.
At least that is what my band director taught me.
You always wanted a band kid,
Right, Mommy?

You played nice.
You showed up to my performances
You cried when I played the right notes
And I found my spot on stage
You were all you were supposed to be
Right, Mommy?

I've always had this feeling
That it was all an act
That you showed up for the cameras
And for the other parents
That's why you came to church
All those years when I was younger
Right, Mommy?

I started to doubt you when
I had to sit in the third pew by myself
After he left us again
But you were always sick
That's what you always told me
The old women who sit behind me
Don't believe that anymore
I'm too old for that now
I've lost their pity but maybe they gave it
To the little girl who...
Oh wait, no other kid sits alone
At the front of a Lutheran church.
It's always been just me.
But you were sick all the time; tired
Right, Mommy?

And you brought all of those men
Into our house
And told me not to bolt the door
When the last one left
But I was tired of being belittled
And beaten because you couldn't
STAND to be alone for a year
But I guess I'll get married four times
Like you did because you are
An excellent roll model
Right, Mommy?

I can't remember being little, Mommy.
Did you let him hurt me?
Or them
What are the chances that you were too busy
Crying your eyes out for an act
And they hurt me?
Slim to none I'm sure,
Right, Mommy?

You've always been a good actress
Maybe that's where I get it from
But you have become so good
That even you don't notice how fake
Your words have become
Especially when it comes to me and who I love
I don't know what to believe anymore
So maybe I'll just start up an act
Like my mommy did.
That seems to be the way things should be
At least that's what I've gathered
From sixteen years with you.

smile
This is better.

Right, Mommy?

I've been painted pink the instant the doctors
Wiped me of red.
I looked like the boys I knew - our differences a
Color palette provided by Mommy and Daddy.
I was their little girl, their princess who wished
Her hair would stop growing,
Lest she be locked in a stone tower.
I didn't mind the dress so much then,
Not when it was the only difference between me
And them.

Magic mirror before me, is wrong all I'll ever be?
I shut my eyes, unable to stand my body bare.
My knight, your skin simply is not right.
I've read the mirror never lies.

Mommy and Daddy are yelling
About my butch haircut.
Our little girl the ****, they say.
I did it myself.
Mommy still buys me dresses,
Daddy tells her to spend the money on
Therapy instead.
Daddy asks about boyfriends,
Mommy tells him I don't have any because I
Hide my *******.
I tell them I'm all wrong.
They agree.
We're talking about two different things.

I don't change for gym anymore.
The girls are secretly relieved I won't be there
To cast a wandering eye in their soft bodies.
I'm relieved I won't be in the wrong locker room.

Mommy and Daddy don't like me
Telling them who I am.
I've finally found my way out of the tower and
The king and queen are upset because their
Princess never made it home, just the knight.
My little girl, Mommy cries.
I follow the point of Daddy's finger to the door
Until I'm on a bus bound for somewhere else.

I shift from Pangea into separate pieces.
Finally I have space to breathe.
Needles, knives, pills bend my body to my will -
It took Michelangelo three years to build David.

Mommy and Daddy believe me to be
A delivery man. They are expecting to sign off
On a television set, yet when they see me
Idle in the doorframe there is a hesitance, a hope.
But most of all there is silence.
Mommy cannot speak, her hand curls like a gasp
Around her mouth.
Daddy begins to cry, his eyes pale and blue.
I am hugged.
They don't say sorry, but I hear then whisper.
My little boy, they say. My little boy.

A beautiful boy named Ayden Brown lit my screen.
He is happy and yet so serene.
His pictures that his mommy posted makes him the perfect angel that God has created.
He made his mommy and daddy so happy and filled their life with love and laughter.

Until one day he got sick and mommy was wondering why?
Mommy took him to every doctor's appointment possible and did constant research.
She was being strong for Ayden, but on the inside, she was saying, "God don't let my son die."
She fought tooth and nail to get the help Ayden needed
So she reached out for help, she even begged and pleaded

Ayden held on the best he can
As her eyes filled with tears
Mommy held on to her little man
She never gave up and never gave in

Ayden Brown fought til the very end
His story reached and empowered all who saw it
And now is the time to celebrate the bravery of my dear little friend
Mommy will cry for a lifetime but will always treasure the beauty that has left

Rest now Ayden Brown
Mommy loves you  now more than ever
Raise your head mommy the battle isn't over it has just begun
Now get up and fight once more for your beautiful son.


Smile like you never smiled before
Laugh like you never laughed before
Celebrate Ayden like you never celebrated before
Because this poem is and always will honor Ayden always and forever.

Rest in Heaven little Ayden Brown.
Mommy loves now forever and always
November 4, 2017 is the day I will always remember your story and celebrate with my son the life of Ayden Brown.
The beautiful boy the lit my screen and whole world

Thank you for your brave fight for life little Ayden brown
Your moms courage, strength, and bravery reached my heart
Mommy had your back from beginning to end.
Rest little Ayden Brown rest and watch over mommy forever.  

-Arnesha Lanette Adams

Dear Daddy,
you found out mommy was pregnant. you told her how happy you was and how you would always be there. you said that you was excited and loved us both, you said you couldn’t wait until you finally got to meet me.
i can’t wait to meet you either Daddy!

Dear Daddy,
i heard mommy crying and really upset.
she said something about another women.
she said she hated you.
but don’t worry I’m still here
i can’t wait to meet you Daddy!

Dear Daddy,
i was just born, you gave my soul a look that said you would always be there
you helped mommy give me a name!
Mollee Ann Langemkamp
wow today was great.
I finally got to meet you Daddy!

Dear daddy,
im a day old and you already are mad at mommy infront of me.
i can’t see you but i can hear your anger.. i can feel your anger
Mommy gave me a have a new name
Mollee Ann Nelson
I guess we will have to meet again Daddy!

Dear Daddy,
i can remember you and mommy fighting over me.
you dragged her down the driveway while she was in the car.
my brother drove after us.
he wanted to **** you
your lucky i looked over my shoulder to stop him.
Because if i didn't.. then Bubby said you would have met god...

Dear Daddy,
its christmas and boy am i excited.
I’m five and begged Mommy for this new dress.
i hope you come this time.
this time i have a good feeling.
maybe ill get to see you and meet your new girlfriend!

Dear Daddy,
its christmas again.
I’m six.
you called.
but you didn’t show.

Dear Dad,
you have been missing a lot of visits
i don’t know why
i cry a lot over you
why aren’t you here..
Did i do something dad..

dear dad,
im 10.
you called mommy asking why she was trying to put you in jail.
you got mad so you ended the call
you called back
i think it was the first time i heard your voice in almost a year.
the first words you said to me were “hey brat how old are you now?”
brat.. rung in my ears..

Dear Chris,
i haven’t heard from in you in two years.
im 12
you fought to get custody of me
the judge didn’t allow it but he let you visit
five hours max
i cancelled a lot
so did you

Dear Chris,
its been four years
i can barely remember what you sound like

dear ***** donor,
you contacted me the morning of my 18th birthday
i went off
you tried to make me feel bad
i didn’t give a ****

I was given someone who decided they would no longer care. They would bail out before i could correctly form words into sentences. I was given a father who as barely even a stranger in my life.
But i was also given a brother who made my life much different..

dear Bubby,
You found out mom was pregnant.
Boy was that a shocker huh, 20 years apart from you will be fun!!!!
I can't wait to meet you!

Dear Bubby,
You was there to help mom when she was crying about Daddy and a woman.
Wow i can tell your going to be a great brother!
I can't wait to meet you!

Dear Bubby,
You was there when i was born.
you were so excited to meet me.
You told mom she was making a mistake by letting me take my fathers last name.
You and him meet with a lady to fix the problem.

Dear Bubby,
Mollee Ann Nelson
Our last name
Wow Bubby i think its so cool you helped mom
Its like meeting a whole new me

Dear Bubby,
Mom fell out of the car when Daddy was backing out of the drive way.
You were really mad.
You told Daddy he was going to meet god.

Dear Bubby,
I know you want me to spend christmas with our family but Its Daddys turn to have me.
Boy am i excited
Im five and i begged mommy for that new velvet dress you like so much.
I have a good feeling Daddy will come this time.
Im supposed to meet his girlfriend but you seem unamused.

Dear Bubby,
Its christmas again.
Im six and you cuddle me while i sob because daddy didn't show...again
You called saying i would have a new sister to meet.. Thats a good gift i guess..

Dear Bubby,
Every visit he missed you were there..
You held me close and told me it wasn't my fault..
You knew he was braking my heart
You knew you would meet a different person.

Dear Bubby,
Do you remember how angry i was when he hung up.
When i questioned why he didn't want to talk to me?
But don't worry he called me back.
He didn't even remember how old i was..
Its like we were meeting at a reunion..

Dear Bubby,
We were both confused when he tried to get custody of me back.
We laughed and the judge must have too.
He was allowed five hours max
I cancelled on you because i was in power to do so.
Your meets will have to wait

Dear Bubby,
I don't remember what he even sounds like..
Do you?

Dear Bubby,
I remember how happy you were for me when i was finally able to tell my ***** donor how i felt about him.
To bad it had to wait until i was 18 huh!

Im your first born,
Why wont you protect me mommy?

I did nothing to him,
But you just stand there and watch.

Dont you love me?
Protects his son,
But hurts your first born?

Thats ****** up mommy.

Deep down,
behind all this ****,
Im still the little girl you know.

Your supost to protect me.
But you aint mommy.
You *****!

Im hurtin,
But you cant even tell.

Your a ***** mommy!
I hate you mommy!
I hate hateing you mommy!

It makes me hurt inside.

You know how the Lorax spoke for the trees? I feel the need to speak for my four-year-old niece. Not because she can't speak -- she can and rarely stops once she starts -- but because there are certain concepts time has yet to grant her. So until time does, I got you covered, Lucy.*

Mommy,
you call it the "poetry" of a child's sleep,
ohh 'n ahh, she's so, so sweet,
I call it child's "pose." Not the yoga neither.
I'm posing and rolling and cooing
biding time until you're tripping on the
Ambien retreating to a dream.
You're only reprieve.
'Cause when your *** is asleep,
I be mixing up the Play-doh,
red and yellow, black and white,
'till it's 50 shades of brown, alright?
Dirt pies from the backyard,
put 'em by the brownies
in the morning world-weary in your pajamys
Slip-up, slip-up, I smell a slip-up.
Ain't a direct threat, Queen Buttercup
because you'd just say, "I ain't afraid of you, shorty."

Blood flow. Blood slow. Simmering, saucy.
Mommy, looking down skyscraper balcony.
May I remind, a giant ain't bringing down Manhattan,
It's that little, wayward wrecking ball, eh Captain?

Over my shoulder, drinking from a thermos --
stumble in your step mean you gettin' nervous--
hand me piece of paper and two crayons
macaroni orange and swamp water liaisons
these coloring sheets are so bourgeoisie.
These coloring sheets are so bourgeoisie.
"Color outside the lines, eh Lucy?
don't play by the rules," my Mommy say,
but I been around long enough to know dat
'dese rules pay. Outside the lines?  Is just uh sloppy.
Been outside the club in front of the line
with my fellow shawties.
Slip-up, slip-up, I smell a slip-up.
Ain't a direct threat, Queen Buttercup
because you'd just say, "I ain't afraid of you, shorty."

Blood flow. Blood slow. Simmering, saucy.
Mommy, looking down skyscraper balcony.
May I remind, a giant ain't bringing down Manhattan,
It's that little, wayward wrecking ball, eh Captain?

Chicken and fries three meals-a-day.
Chocolate milk three meals-a-day.
Tricycle boys three wheels away.
Hands on your hips can't make me stay.

Lego blocks lodged in your skull.
I've hid the Advil. The Dayquil. Drank the Nyquil though.
Alright, alright, time to get confessional.
All my ***** accidents are intentional.
I melt my own Barbies to feel alive.
Snort glue sticks just to get hella high.

Mommy, you've got a messy ketchup face.
Mommy, you've got spiders in your hair.
Mommy, you've got ***-*** on your pants.
Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bi-otch.

Blood flow. Blood slow. Simmering, saucy.
Mommy, looking down skyscraper balcony.
May I remind, a giant ain't bringing down Manhattan,
It's that little, wayward wrecking ball, eh Captain?

Mommy why does daddy live somewhere else?
I needed to be "me" and could care less.

Mommy who is this man in your bed?
Not sure but he "understands" my head.

Mommy why is daddy so sad?
Mommy was it because you behaved so bad?

Mommy, when I get married who will give me away?
Sorry daughter but I just did that for you anyway.

Mommy why does you friend touch me that way?
What are you talking about? You sound like daddy with what you say.

Mommy where did daddy go?
Was it your fault that he is a no show?

Mommy why?

Mommy mommy come quick!
Theres a monster under my bed
Hes been under there for
Quite some time
And bedtime I now dread

Hunny, there are no monsters
‘mommy, please just listen!’
Just close your eyes
And itll be okay
Eventually dreamland will glisten

Mommy mommy come quick!
Theres a monster under my desk
Its lurking in the shadows
Of my chair
Hes being so grotesque

Listen dear, there are no monsters
Close those lids
Picture puppies in a field
Running with butterflies
And playing with kids

Mommy mommy come quick!
Theres a monster in my closet
I know hes there
Please sleep in here
Stay all night and watch it

Babygirl, there are no monsters
Now close your eyes and rest
Relax your mind
And breathe deeply
Tonight you will sleep your best

Mommy mommy come quick!
The monster is out right now
He is kneeling at my bedside
His hands are running through my sheets
I want to disappear somehow

But he wont leave
His fingers keep wandering
Mommy, I don’t like this massage
Please make him go away
And save me from all of this hurting

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of bro, you two, and me
don't we look happy?
we're such a perfect family

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of my mommy & daddy getting back together
it's beautiful, isn't it?
can this happen?
we can be such a perfect family

daddy, come look
I painted a picture
of how I miss living with mommy
can I move back, daddy?
why do you keep me here?

mommy, come look
I painted a picture
of how daddy & new mommy treat me
their words hurt but maybe they don't mean it
maybe it was just an accident

mommy, daddy, come look
I painted a picture
without a pen or paper
instead with a blade & my skin
isn't it beautiful?
I only seem to have red paint, though
I hope you like it, daddy
after all,

you were my inspiration.
a.c.

Mommy called me an accident.
How could this be?

Mommy cut me again.
She said it was an accident.

Mommy hold a bottle in her hand.
She told me she was tired.

I told her to go to sleep
And she did.

Mommy slept for a long time.
She never woke up.
I wonder when I'll see her eyes open again,
Or see that smiling face.

Mommy, why were you so mean?
Mommy, where are you?
Mommy, please wake up.
Mommy, why won't you answer.

Mommy why, i was just barely opening my heart to  you
Mommy you see me through the screen beating my life to you
120 beats per second ,faster than your heart mommy.
Mommy, I feel your smile broaden
Mommy I will love you conditionally
Moommyy what is this clamp mommy ,
please don't it hurts it hurts please mommy
Seven Weeks , Three Days Pregnant

I lost you my precious , Words will never define the darkness I feel in my heart . The darkness of how unloving my heart became, How heartless humanity was around me like infectious leech. Letting you go was the consequences of the bite. Please forgive me,  I made the biggest mistake in my life. The one mistake, where you won't grow up to learn from. What was left of my heart became stone cold , I let go my true shot of happiness, but I couldn't bring you into a world of brokenness and despair. You deserve better, but better than you will ever receive from me. One day I hope you understand. I promise you , my love lies deep in my veins.  I love you ,Heaven needed you back and I regret not standing like warrior and fighting for you. I never will wash dirt on my back,I can never stop apologizing for the vicious attacks you endured by me . Every sunrise and sunset I will forever mourn the death of my own humanity against you.
*One last breath,Mommy, I love you Forever
I'll float down the river ,patiently waiting for ocean to wash me into abyss , humming to the lullaby,I would have sang to you my precious gift.

Mommy spoke to god today
He told her to wash all of my sins away
I put up a fight, but mommy won
I'm in the tub with my clothes still on
She shoved the shower head up to my face
This is a punishment for my disgrace
I swore out loud, I started to cry
Water poured into my eyes
I cannot see, I dare not to breathe
A few moments of torture and I hope I break free
Mommy has to wash my sins away
God told her so today
He said I was bad
Young children must obey
I don't even know what I did anyway
I cannot scream
I cannot cope
Mommy please stop you're making me choke
Ten years old
Nothing but cold
After a few moments she allowed me to go
The apologies followed
I felt oddly betrayed
"Do you not love me?" I wanted to say
Mommy is okay now
Thankfully Mommy calmed down
I don't understand
The force of her hands
God spoke to mommy today
The water washed my sins away
Am I a good girl now?
I'll try to behave
I'm just a child
Looking to you for guidance

Little girl, age of three,
fell off her bike and scraped her knee.
Mommy came into the scene,
cleaned her cut and patched her dream.
And so she rides on.

Little girl, age of ten,
was in a fight with her best friend.
Mommy came onto the set,
and told her baby not to fret.
And so she stays strong.

Little girl, age sixteen,
wasn’t deemed Homecoming queen.
Mommy came to save the day,
assured the ballot was switched anyway.
And so she smiles on.

Little girl, age twenty-one,
scared to know she’ll have a son.
Mommy came into her house,
told her she’d picked the perfect spouse.
And so she loves on.

Little girl, age twenty-four,
unsure of who she was anymore.
Mommy came into her room
and swept her doubt like the kitchen broom.
And so she continues on.

Little girl, age forty-two,
worried that her life was through.
Mommy rode with her in the car,
promised her death was off afar.
And so she drives on.

Little girl, age fifty-five,
realizes that her mom has died.
She brings back the memories of her mom
and knows she’d say that life goes on.
And so she goes on.

I saw the hint of red and blue reflecting off the dark surrounding
Daddy scares Mommy sometimes and she screams
The neighbors don't like the noise so they call

When I turned the corner I saw more cars than usual and a van.
I ran to my home. A yellow line was blocking the door.
I ducked under it.

Mommy was still. Laying down on the floor.
She was drooling blood.
I ran up to her, I shook her, I yelled.

She was cold. Not warm like Mommy's hugs are.
She didn't open her eyes and
I couldn't feel or hear her breathe

A man I didn't know grabbed me.
I scratched his face and kicked his stomach.
He let go and I ran back to Mommy

"Mommy, I'm sorry I took candy from the jar and lied"
"I pushed a boy at school today and I'm sorry!"
"I didn't do my homework yesterday Mommy"

Why didn't she say anything?
Was she mad at me?

Two more men I didn't know grabbed me.
They took me away from my home.

"Did Daddy leave me too?"

I'm a bad kid.

Mommy, Mommy it is dark in here
It will be ok my loving girl

Why is it so dark Mommy?
Just the way it has to be for now honey

I don't understand Mommy
The light will show itself soon baby

I am scared Mommy, (cries) Mmmommmy
Shhhh baby, my sweet child it won't be long now

Plleeasse Mommy don't leave me I am scared
I know you are love, I am right here

The darkness is thick I can taste it
I know she can as I can't even see her outline
Her little heart is thumping so fast and hard
The fear in her voice is squeezing my heart

We are trapped in this blackness
At least we are together my child and I
Oh how she should not be here with me
How could I leave her though, behind I mean

She suffers more than me
Yet the darkness is squeezing
It's fist tightens against my lungs
Smothering, attempting to take the last breath

Hearing her cry, whimper and pleade
Scared of this inky blackness
Short quick breaths between words
Praying that god spares her

Wondering how we got here
What has occured to cause this
I simply cannot remember
Yet it is right there on the edge of my mind

Reassurances getting harder to give
Her voice drips with fear
Hugging the little body close to mine
Huge tear drops paint my cheeks

Rocking back and forth
Humming a tune
Feeling the stickiness on my chest
Pain so excrutiating not sure which is worse

Fire with every breath
Having covered her as the sounds stopped
I can feel a different darkness overcoming me
Blood smell fills my nose

Only thoughts were in saving her
Praying she does not pay for my sins
Wishing, hoping then praying
Take me Lord but please spare her

A fight out of control
Ended as the man began firing shots
Dumped in the middle of nowhere
In this darkness

Not able to see if my darling babe has injuries
Suddenly the moon begins to peek from behind it's hiding place
Just enough to see her beautiful pale face
The light becomes stronger

Mommy it's beautiful, I am not afraid now
It is incredibly lovely my love

Cradling her close to me the light is like nothing I have ever seen
Pain has ceased
We are floating you see
I press lips to her cheeks as I speak my last breath

I love you my darling
Mommy I love you

Our eyes close as our bodies go limp
When we are finally found in time
They will see the holes from bullets in my chest
One went through me and into my babe

Who would do such a thing? How did this happen?
It won't matter to me now
As my baby and I are resting peacefully
The Angels ended the darkness

Bathed in light we were taken to the Lord
He could not spare her though I prayed
I watch the people tears in their eyes
Hearing their thoughts of sadness and surprise

They say he snapped, my aunt said
Are you sure? my mother asked
Yes, He didn't want to let her go
Shot her and hit the babe by accident

I watch as the caskets are lowered into the cold ground
The angels around me and my daughter
Comforting and consoling us
Feels so wonderful here

Mommmy! Mommy! I am not scared anymore!*
Neither am I my love neither am I

Sometime in the distance I heard it told
"He was caught and will pay his due"

I curled up with my darling baby doll
Drifting to sleep for the last time
We my baby and I are at peace
I kiss her one last time

Rest now my sweet love
We are safe in the loving arms of the Lord

"I'm scared, mommy" said little Robby, fingers that held the blankets over his eyes trembling, refusing to look at mommy.

Mommy sat on the bed, a hand reaching out to smooth the little boy's tangled golden locks. "Darling, there's nothing to be scared of" she smiles, her red lips stretching a mile.

"Lies, mommy, lies" Robby cried, mommy's long nails raking over his scalp.

Mommy laughed.

Little Robby's lip trembled in fear. He wished to wake up from this nightmare. Because mommy never had long nails. She never wore such red color on her lips. And she never laughed with such a deep rumbling voice.

Mommy.
My lips felt warm around that word.
Like when my leg wrapped around you
Insulated by your thick body.
It's like we never had sleepless nights.
In white cold Michigan.
Cold like Christmas season
With a warm mood.

Mommy
yee
yee
My tongue got twisted as I began to age
I couldn't grasp my leg around you
and I only got shorter, while they said you're getting stronger
This is what it's like to get older.
So I didn't sleep with her anymore.
I couldn't sleep as much anymore.
I stripped the yee
That bounded us together
No mommy no mommy noo
mom
I called her mom
Because I'm an adult now.
I am cold.
They said venture off into this world alone.
But thankfully,
Every time I turn around she still has a hold.

My leg let go of her body
But her hands bleed with a tight grip
And cracks that let me back in.
She said Mommy will always be here
We were one when you were inside me
We are one now because I am always beside you, behind you, before you, because I love you.
I love you Mommy.

hush, abi
please!
if we stay here nothing bad will happen to us
pinky promise, alright?
mommy and daddy will be back soon and we can lie here all together
the four of us can lie right here, cradled by the grass and the stars will come out for us
we can make our own constellations, how does that sound?
when mommy and daddy find us we will name it whatever you want, they will love it
oh, abi, please don’t cry
the scary loud sounds?
those were fireworks, the brightest, most colorful fireworks that exist
keep looking up, abi, you’ll see them soon
who lit them?
why, the night sky sent its own just for us
that’s why there were two, one for you and one for me
they are made of shooting stars and instead of smoke they leave behind cosmic dust, that’s what makes them so beautiful
when mommy and daddy come back, two will be lit for them, you’ll see
but now stay here with me, i know it is cold, but please try not to move
we can become two blades of grass, but only if you close your eyes, no peeking!
in the morning we can splash our faces with sweet dew and say hello to traveling ladybugs
we can dance to melody of the bird’s flapping wings, we will hear so many different sounds and colors
we can watch all the fireworks we want, the pretty ones i told you about
abi, stop shaking, it will be okay
those steps are mommy and daddy walking to us
they want to be grass with us, all of our roots can be threaded together like a bracelet and we can be so happy
don’t open your eyes
promise you will keep them shut tight, you can only look when you hear the fireworks the sky will light up for them
i won’t open my eyes either
pinky promise, alright?
we will soon be velvety soft, we will live in our garden with mommy and daddy
here they come!
now hold my hand, that way we will be planted together
it will be mommy, daddy, me, and you - Abilene
watching fireworks paint the sky forever.

"Daddy! Daddy listen to me count!"

One. I am the one. Your youngest descendant. I had no claim to your throne. I didn't want your crown.
Two. You had two other women besides my mother. Your beloved Queen, her closest lady in waiting, and my Mother, a peasant barely of age.
Three. In case you ever wonder a single mother has to work 3 jobs to afford an apartment, that smells like cigarettes and depression, and a diet of Ramen Noodles and freezer meals.
Four. "Mommy cries alot. I can't seem to figure out why. She told me I'm gonna be a big sister. I hope it's a boy."
Five. "Mommy never leaves my bed side at the hospital. We lost our house because Mommy had to quit her jobs. I don't like it here though. They poke me with needles and I'm losing my hair."
Five. "Mommy tells me it's okay that I can let go."
Five. "Grandma said an angel came in the night to make me better.
Five. I got called a boy in the bathroom today.

Five. I forget how to count when I'm emotional.

Five. I don't want to be bald.
Five... I mean...
Six. Your peasant found comfort in the arms of your best friend. His names Jim. He introduces her to Mary Jane, Molly and Aunt Hazel. When they're with her she forgets her two baby girls exist.
Seven. After 7 foster homes we ended up back with Mommy. She's more tired looking but they say she's clean. She still smells like our first apartment.
Eight. My innocent voice would carry the same heart breaking question to my worn out Mother's ears. "Why don't I have a Daddy like every body else."
Eight. The first time I was called a *******.
Eight. At 8 the bullying began.
Eight. Maybe I'd be better of dead.
Eight. He wasn't suppose to do that.
Eight. Mommy said it's wrong for a man to touch me like that.
Eight. Daddy why didn't you save me. You were suppose to protect me from all this.

Eight. Because you loved the feeling of the bottle pressed firm to your lips and the scorching of your throat, burning away any truth that could crawl it's way out your mouth more the 8 children you claimed and your ***** little secret.

Nine. I've seen you 9 times in my life. And each time you look worse. No teeth. Little hair. You've had 9 strokes in just a few short years.They say you spent to much time with Jack, Jim, and Jose. They don't know how you're alive.
Ten. I used to think you were a king. I used to tell myself you were busy running a country, fighting a war, doing anything noble. Instead of just leaving me.

10. I'm an adult now.
9. They say you accept the love you think you deserve.
8. Maybe that's why I fall for the jerks.
7. There's a boy. He likes your friends too.
6. I don't think I'm very happy anymore.
5. Sometimes I like to hang with Uncle Jim and Uncle Jack.
4. I can never have just one.
3. Each time it get's harder to say no to Mommy's girl friends.
2. I'm the daughter if two addicts.
1. "See Daddy I told you I could. I can count from 1 up to 10 and back down 1 again!"
"Sweetheart, that's a teddy bear not your.. your.. your..."
"I know Mommy I'm just pretending."

A 12-year old boy walks in
The dry Cleveland air never disappoints
It was his first day at school
"How was your day Tamir?"
Spouts his mother from the kitchen
As she prepares the evening dinner

School was ok I guess
I could do better in my classes but whatever
Basketball practice was fun

A 12-year old boy walks in
Today is especially cold even for Cleveland
The snow stuck like it was there to stay
"How was your day Tamir"
His mother asks from the living room

School was ok
Can I can go to the park tomorrow?
I want to have a snowball fight with my friends

A 12-year old boy walks in
Dry cold air is the perfect weather for bleeding
He walks in and tries to cover the holes in his chest
"How was your day Tamir?"
His mother asks
Just like any other day

Mommy I went to the park today
But my friends never showed up
So I made snowballs on my own
And I played with my airsoft gun
Mommy all of a sudden the park was empty
A car zoomed right in front of me
It was only a few steps
The police car door opened
And they shot me Mommy
I was reaching to give them my airsoft gun
Mommy I'm dead now
The holes in my chest they won't close up
Nobody saved me Mommy
I'm so sorry I made a big mistake
I didn't mean to scare people with my airsoft gun
I won't make the same mistake next time
I promise!
Mommy please forgive me
I promise next time I will have more control
Mommy give me another chance
Mommy please cover my red holes

You say that I **** up
and all I do is mess up
every week ever day
But mommy I still love you its ok!
I cry alone in my room'
so you don't get angry at my tears
I don't know if you even care
but its ok mommy I still love you
I know im a mess yes its all my fault
yes I get that Im broken but you wont ever see that
Mommy I love you mommy I miss you
cant you see im lost without you
Broken I cry out to the night
It is now my time, I must say good by
don't you love me mommy?
I don't CARE! I loved you mommy
I played your game I said my sorry
I never said I loved you to your face
I am not scared I am not fearful I am damd
and im bringing you down to

"Do you remember?
Remember when you were so small and
Full of innocence?

Do you remember?
Remember when mommy said to never
Pick up on her bad habits?
You promised her with bright, beady, orbs of happiness,
“Yes mommy! I promise I won’t!”

Yes, to never wanting to inhale the dark cloud
From a little stick of cancer lying on the cluttered coffee table.

Yes, to never wanting to swallow the strong,
Burning liquid from the crystal bottle sitting on the counter.

Yes, to never wanting to feel the little pinch in your
Arm and end up feeling like you’re soaring.

Yes, to never saying no to anything and anyone, everything
And everyone.

Promising mommy you’ll never harm yourself,
Promising mommy you’ll never give revolting, disgusting,
Desires for another human being.
Promising mommy to stay smart and stay away.
Stay away from all of those bad habits of mommy’s.

But..
Mommy’s heart drops when she finds her
Angel in the bathroom.
Acting on the urge to feel that pinch in her arm.
A small whiskey glass with that strong, burning, liquid
Inside, on the counter next to her.
A cancer stick hanging loosely from
Her pale, dry, cracked, lips.


Fingerprints, lip prints, and all of her DNA
Follows in mommy’s bad habits.
“You promised...” Mommy said, voice hoarse.
Her daughter, her angel, her once a little ball of positivity,
Energy, happiness, and innocence.
All gone,
All because of picking up on mommy’s bad habits."

Look up sun daddy moon is coming, brave little usurper can you help find mommy’s keys
Look out sun daddy moon is coming, brave little usurper did you hide mommy’s keys
Hold still son daddy moon is drowning, brave little usurper where’d you hide mommy’s keys
Keep faith son daddy moon is sick, brave little usurper please just let mommy try to sleep
Burn a candle son daddy moon is dying, brave little usurper what did you take from mommy
Look up sun daddy moon has left, brave little usurper it’s too dark for mommy to see
Brave little usurper will you take the son for mommy, will you take away their moons mommy’s brave little usurper