She smelled like you today...







                                                 ­     ...It felt like I cheated

i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.

I found them cause of music or YouTube

Some of them I knew who they were

But didn't care about them when I was younger

They're the ones who I say "Top Of The Morning To Ya Laddies" or "Where's The Black Smith" with

Or instead sing Oh Miss Believer or Thnks Fr Th Mmrs with

Most of them I consider my best friends

Some of them are Patrick, Pete, Joe, and Andy

Others are Jimmy, Chris, Chandler, and Karl

They're there for me when any actual people aren't

They're the ones who don't care about the fact that I'm LGBTQ+

They just see me as another human being that's a fan of their music or channel

I try to remind myself about the Fall Out Boy lyric "You Are What You Love Not Who Loves You"

And tell myself that I'll be like Frank Iero and JackSepticEye

Some of them are the reason why I'm going to be a youtuber

I ask myself all the time how in the world did they somehow wind up being someone I consider friends

A night spent with a fandom family

At a place where you can be yourself

With bands that understand you

Where you can say Thnks Fr Th Mmrs afterwards

For them making you never feel like you're alone

Cause they made it feel like home at the show

That's What Hella Mega Tour Means To Me

It seems my life can be chalked up.
To not understanding opposite sides.....
I get it I'm the worst in history.
I was going to post an poem about how my uncle cookie was on the same **** I was for two months before he peed it out. That was where he got the bad tastes from my mind. Although I've never met him.  That's just me imagining. They must give this stuff to not only trans but closet gays as well. Anyway. I dont know what to do. Fall out boy basically made it seem like people with my condition lick ***. We think were so ******* great. I know every ******* word in thanks for the mmrs by f.o.b is about people through my struggle.
I legitimately was  scared to go blind. So I purposely never wore safety glasses. I thought I should be an escort for a while just like the song says
Collecting pay cheques lovers.
The crystal ball is supposed to show me my long term thinking and maybe I'll start receiving some of the foreshadowing I've been putting out. But than I know myself if I worry over something too much it won't come true. So some things are better left to happenstance.... listen guys PSA. I'm just as scared and frightened as you guys. I'm scared to admit I was wrong. Scared to be right. Scared of people. Scared of god.scared and embarrassed.
Barely a human being at times but I gave it my all projecting my thoughts and feelings to the world for that amount of time. At first I couldn't focus on even the smallest thing while I was doing it. Than it became second nature. I wanted to help people to whatever best I could. All the funny stuff was me lol. The really good stuff well that was god. He loves you. All of you. Hell never stop. I've tried to do everything right to turn into a girl. But when I foreshadowed the complexes built in my left brain it was a lot easier to create them in that momentary glimpse ahead. But not so easy as of rn. Anyway whatever happens know I love you guys. So deep. I left my mark. Maybe never told in a history book.but something definitely magical happened. You guys got to know me. And I figured out what the **** was so funny. Lol and hollllleeeee **** it was funny. I heard a man outside my house say I hope he doesn't play guitar. And I figured that was the next stage by fall out boy saying worst you got better put your fingers back to the keys... but I had bad juju when I was young. I sold my soul or as I believed it. To play guitar. For 10 years i was under the impression that should i learn guitar. I would lose my soul.
Put clearly if you guys want me to just go to the program i will