I was napping
Woke up all of a sudden
Don't know why I feel like
Something bad is gonna happen
Now I need to find my pen
Been battling anxiety & depression for few years
And there's more that you probably don't wanna hear
No one knows how much pain I bear
All they see are the fake smiles I wear
Somedays all I want is someone near
Sitting next to me and I hope they would say
Don't worry! Everything is going to be okay
Today is not the end, tomorrow is another day
You know, when shit happens
I am not able to find what I had once
Both good and bad moments I had tons
Now it's just darkness
And that's why I write
To bring the light into my life so I can fight
my enemies who are hiding in the darkness of the night
And one day I might run out of ink
And when it does, I don't think
there will be much left of me
And the leftovers will be swept off to the sea
of bipolar depression, mania, and anxiety
Man! I don't want that for me
Truth is, I just wanna be me
Like this, on a writing spree
So, I can stay forever free
And rest under the shades of poetry
So here I am
At 3 in the morning
Awake as night, trying to fight
All the demons inside my head
So, I can move ahead
And leave my enemies mourning and trembling, in dread
And end this chapter once and for all- dropdead!
I know it's easy to say
But the reality is somewhat different
There's only one way
And when I look ahead, I only see the end
I simply pretend to be happy all the time
The only time you get to see the real me is when I rhyme
At nights, anxiety and I are a team
For me, sleeping is like a dream
You know what I mean- that shit never happens
Because racing thoughts never slacken
And when my days blacken
Uninvited thoughts come to my mind
They pull up the roller blinds
Letting darkness enter my mind
I close my eyes but they make me blind
And when they hit rewind
I go back to my past to find what I left behind
And what I always find is more thoughts intertwined
I always find it hard to fall asleep
I even tried counting sheep
But fuck it! It never worked, I just keep
thinking about things that I don't wanna think
I told all of this to my shrink
Because of this shit
I'm not able to keep my life in order
Even he doesn't know why I developed this disorder
Somedays I can do many things
Somedays I cannot do anything
Somedays I feel like a king
Somedays I feel like I'm nothing
Somedays I cannot even do the simplest thing
Feels like I'm always on the brink
Slowly shrinking to nothing
Anxiety hoodwinked me into thinking
That I'm a distraught soul
And my life stands for nothing
but pain, stress and worrying thoughts
I know I worry a lot
Even about the fraught relationships I've got
I'm not able to hold all these thoughts
I'm slowly slipping off like a broken rope
I'm tired, I tied a million knots
but there are novemdecillion thoughts
So, a couple of pills I pop
Still no hope, I'm an undying mope
It doesn't matter how many battles I've fought
This time I lost, I'm not a dreadnought
Don't know how many more rhymes I need to jot
down to stop my mind from getting trapped in nomadic thoughts
I'm cutting my veins on both my arms
Death clouds on top of my head- my blood flows
There are blood spots on my bed top
Wait a minute!
What the heck am I writing?
Is this a death note?
Next morning, the dead wakes
With fucking headaches
My mind and heart are having a debate
I hate me when I can't think straight
My mind is a prison and I'm the inmate
I don't wanna repeat my mistakes
I doubled the pills I usually take
While making decisions, I contemplate
Every possible outcome I calculate
But I'm extremely anxious, I change lanes
Followed by the unknown, no nameplates
They tailgate, I'm in a dire strait
Au fait with this mess but I conflate
Everything I've got, I don't take things the way they are
But I have to go very far
Oh, wait! I think I'm carrying too much weight
Need to stop hauling freight
Before I break down, I need to hit the brakes
Somehow I reach my office but I'm late
It's like a disaster waits for me at the front gate
And as I step in, I'm gifted with more
I slowly open the door
Feels like this day I've lived before
I'm shambling towards a dangling bait
All I can do is keep on rambling. Wait!
Have no idea what's written on my fate
I don't know why my heart is beating at a faster rate
I'm not able to concentrate
Even the simplest thing I complicate
I hope there's someone who can relate
to all the tales I narrate
So, here I go again
I sent a text to my friend 15 minutes ago
Why didn't I receive a reply yet?
Maybe the network is slow or maybe the text didn't go
I should check my phone now; Oh no!
It has been marked as read 10 minutes ago
Did I say something wrong? I don't know
Maybe I did or maybe I didn't
I check my phone hoping new notifications it will show
But it didn't; I think something's wrong
Should I text a hello?
So I sent a few texts in a row
My mind's in overdrive as more thoughts start to flow
Maybe the phone's battery's low
And like this, I go, there is no stop
Oh god! What should I do?
Feels like everything is falling apart
This feeling is not new
Still, I'm worried to go through
I wish there was a how-to guide
to peacefully & happily live your life
I just wanna be carefree and happy
But I know, it's never happening
Maybe the day I die will be
The happiest day in my life
My mind is on overdrive.
I can't let go of this anxiety clouding my mind.
Incessant worry all the time.
People telling me "it's okay, you'll be fine."
They don't understand how anxiety affects my mind, my body.
My whole life.
Most of the time I just want to crawl in a corner and hide.
Irritable and restless, my mind begins to race.
I can't concentrate.
My breath runs short and I feel like I can't breathe.
Peace and quiet is what I need.
But the world keeps spinning around me.
My face turns red.
Inside, I feel a sense of dread.
I tell myself to quit while I'm ahead.
Just let my worries go.
I wish it were that simple.
Every day is a battle
when you are fighting against yourself.
I have an inner struggle
buried deep inside but hide it well.
I bury it so deep,
no one can tell.
I am in a brawl with my demons all the time.
No matter how hard I try,
I can't escape the darkness of my own mind.
I feel trapped.
I feel alone.
I feel like no one can hear my screams.
Too often I get lost in vanishing hopes and unreachable dreams.
Happiness dangles in front of me like bait
dangling in front of a fish.
I wonder if I will ever experience true bliss.
Or if it will always be hit and miss.
Happiness likes to tease me.
I try my best to live freely and be happy.
Anxiety and depression take over every time.
My mind is never pleased.
I can never fully be at ease.
My brain is self-destructive.
Always beating itself up.
I just want to tell it to shut up.
I wish there were a switch I could flip
to turn off the anxiety in my mind.
If only shutting off my anxiety was as simple
as hitting a light switch.
We can't all get what we wish for.
I accept my anxiety as part of me.
I manage it, I live it every day.
There are days where I really struggle.
Others where I'm okay.
If you're okay, take a walk in my shoes
Let me tell you a secret, only a few people knew.
Now it feels like a lifetime ago.
It started because of my depression and anxiety.
When I was a teen I used to cut myself.
I never told my parents,
that I used to take a razor to my wrist.
It was a feeling I couldn't resist.
The razor called out my name.
Every bad thing that happened in my life,
I was to blame.
Cutting myself was a way to escape
To a temporary place where only I could go.
I could give myself the pain I deserved
for everything that I did wrong and those
that I hurt.
Cutting myself gave me temporary relief
from all the pain I harbored inside.
From time to time, I took the razor to my arm.
I was already screwed up I didn’t think it would anymore harm.
I hide it well, covered my arm in long-sleeve shirts. So, one could see a trace of my hidden pain.
I wanted to keep it tame.
Under wraps, so my life wouldn’t continue to collapse.
My whole life was a charade, one big lie.
I faked smiles and happiness.
Yet deep inside, I wondered how long I would have to go on like that.
I eventually stopped because I realized I was only adding to the chaos of my own personal hell.
And on a night where I was dark and depressed.
At my bitter end.
I downed a bottle of prescription pills.
Luckily there were only five left.
I felt the pills lurch deep within my body, begin to leave side effects.
I was on edge and wondered what would happen next.
Taking five times more than my recommended dose.
Almost left me comatose.
I learned my lesson.
I will never do that again.
Sometimes I tell myself anxiety is the price
I must pay for all the mistakes I have made.
I know that isn't true.
The thought fades.
But my anxiety remains, locked in place.
Anxiety is like having a demonic voice
In the back of my head.
It fills me with worry and self-doubt.
Tells me I am better off dead.
I get so frustrated.
I don't know if I want to cry or shout.
Sometimes I do both.
I vent to others and let it all out.
Yet I don't feel like they truly understand
unless they have experienced mental
Anxiety is an illness, but it is not like the cold or flu.
Medication can help it, but it will never truly go away.
I don't want to be dependent on pills.
My whole life I have tried to handle
depression and anxiety myself.
This might be the time to ask for help.
To realize I'm not alone
Mental illness is a solitary battle but there is hope.