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Ominous Oct 2013
I loved you in a way that
all my medicines would like me to
love them too
but your words have more
impact on me than all the
possible
overdoses
i could ever have.
Vandy Madireddy Sep 2018
I walked into a church today,
One I wanted to visit for days,
I passed by it, saw the huge doors open
Inviting me in daily, but I just didn’t go in.

I’m a Hindu by religion,
Indian by birth,
I have an older sister,
My mom and my dad obviously.

Why am I telling you this?
Well because I’m everything but
Happy, calm and sorted,
Just angry, irritated and anxious.

They fight, my mom and dad,
They love each other, or maybe they don’t,
But they fight and argue,
They don’t hold back on concern either.

They talk a lot, my sister and him,
The guy she’s seeing but not dating,
The guy she’s serious about but hasn’t met,
She’s always on the phone, sharing every bit of her life.

I entered the church,
Felt nothing, felt the same as usual,
No excitement, disappointment, nothing,
Temples don’t help either.

I love my family, they love me back,
They care and support me, a lot!
I don’t want it most of the times,
It both keeps me alive and suffocates me.

They are always there,
Standing right by me,
If not in person, then by spirit,
Always a call away.

I talk to them every day, thrice,
Twice at least, message my whereabouts,
It’s a habit, a want, a need
To let them know everything about me.

They are fighting now,
I got an email this time,
Not a phone call, nor message,
Mom lied, that she’s got her migraine.

Dad’s left the family WhatsApp group,
Blamed it on the work stress,
But I know better, we all do,
I may be the youngest, but I’m 20.

My sister’s fed up with me,
Well she’s not the only one,
I shout, scream, screech rudely,
Loudly, with no sane reason.

I know I need help,
We all do, for anger,
To love and feel loved,
But it’s never going to happen.

I am a psychology student,
I want to let the world know,
With my research that depression and anxiety,
Can’t be beat with medicines nor by expressing.

My sister’s a Human Rights student,
Who wants to help people,
Support and care for them,
You can’t, nothing will end human suffering.

We are the sole cause of it,
Human suffering, the ones with fuel,
The ones with the extinguisher,
Yet, each time we choose poorly.

My family is broken, ******* up,
It’s surviving on a thin string,
But it won’t break, ever,
We’ll all just drift apart.
Morgan Mercury Nov 2014
I can't forget it.
I promise that I have done everything to try.
But these memories continue to cloud my mind.
The air has never
been this cold.
All my youth has disappeared
and grown old.
All the flowers I planted have died,
and the birds sound the same,
and the stars have lost all their shine.

I can't help it if I don't know how to reach out for help.
I have always preferred the pleasure of isolation,
But this silence is torturous,
And now this crowded room I created is nothing but empty space.
All this past hope is disintegrating.
I use to hold my dreams close to my heart,
But now it's drowned out by all the tears I always held back.

I know I'm only an innocent.
But my body is a gun and
my body is a resting place for all medicines.
So let me tilt my head back until I lose count.
Now I fall asleep
Now all the candles are blown out.
Now I'm at peace.
Now I'm fine.
Now the only thing I suffer from is my mother's cries.

I'll wrap up my bones
And put them in His hands.
Don't worry, mom, I know the sound of my first heartbeat,
will always be engraved in you.
I know you heard angels sing my name.
They take me to a place where I am safe.
A place that is infinite.
A place in God's name.
I wrote this after finding out a former classmate from middle school of mine commited suicide.

Please enjoy life, seek help if you need it, and always seize the day because you never know what's going to happen.
Leiser Poetry Mar 24
Cant bear to hear the voices;
dragging me down;
feeling the failure!
Voices mock me                                                               ­                    make me frown
nothing ever goes right:
want to keep on                                                               ­                     
with the fight,
be strong                                                           ­                                   
move on                            
with my life
there is something
that stops me when I
find happiness negativity                                                       ­             
cuts me like a fine knife  
anxiety makes me feel on edge;
paranoia makes me question
and sabotage everything
depression lowers me
to the point where I
feel lack of energy
or empathy any more
If anything I want                                                             ­                        to sleep in bed                                                              ­                           not feel this dread
I use to medicate
myself with beer
and pain relief
taking any medicines
I can get to feel no pain
To feel no shame                                                            ­                        
for the anxiety         
to go away
but it never went
only made me forget                                                           ­                   
the symptoms
the mania I get                                                              ­                          feel a hint of euphoria
but later irritated
over ****** and frustrated,
the world is moving too slow
Im obsessed and sometimes
delusional: the demons are smiling  
they've won the battle but not the war when they took over my mind; for a short while but since sophie was born
and my life almost thrown away
at the age 28 I decided to give life another go and work hard to live an cleaner life the best I can                                                              smile more even when I'm low be grateful                                        

I'm still alive and here
want to feel I have a bright future
now with a baby and boyfriend
that  loves and understands me
its hard sometimes

when you can feel the bad memories resurface,
negative vibes in my mind
hit me like a bullet or cut me like a knife
want to keep telling them not today
that I will not fall to their darkness and decay
that they can't beat me and that
I'm no longer a failure
but a fighter still here to tell her tale;
despite all the *******
and people grinding me down
over the years;
bringing me to tears
I tell myself each day that
I'm a fighter and I'm still here.
Deadwood Jawn Jun 17
We were once harmonious.

Now I can see you have fallen.

Arrows to the back.

Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple Multiple
stabs.

Poison.

Failing organs.

Blackened eyes.

A false personality.

D
  r
   e n
         c
             h
                e d  in many medicines.

You are  d e a d .

Not even Amarantha anymore.

...

...

...

But it's O.K.

I used to think you would
Return.

But I shall let you go now, dear..

After much heartache and grief

I shall let you go.

The one I knew as Amarantha

Has  d i e d .
She isn't dead. Remeet her and you will see.
Jordan Hudson Dec 2018
Generation, presentation
Complaints and restraints then
Good days and bad days when
They all see what I can be in
The future and tomorrow I
Will be a true success and why
Do you all doubt me while I rhyme
I can say I will write
Until the day God will decide
When and where and how I will die
The clouds, the sky, the sun's light
Will shine upon us all right now
We will be guided and showed how
To go and rise and be wise you
And I will learn the ways these days
The proper sayings and actions we
Are gazing into space you see
Lights, shadows, crafts above
Above us all, above us tall
Above this planet, stars so small
Bright stars afar
Visible from cars
From the cities and streets below
From fields, mountains, valleys so low
On the highway, the trails, the air
Oceans, roads, coasters at fairs
Horseback, camel back, animals
Swine to divine horses and bulls
Will the people dare to stare and
Glare at the shares and the mayor
Government, tax, and presidents
Hair, and the gold from the sand dunes
And the bad old Floridan prunes
Oil, gas, and the seas water
Friends and our only one father
This world is ours not theirs so
They cannot breach our Earth you know
Until the day God will decide
When and where and how I will die
When will I die?
They will reach us all someday now
Anyway now anytime now
They will destroy or let us live
If they reach and ****, no one gives
Technology and the main plan
Is to **** off slowly and ban
All we have to protect us is
Our bare hands and our minds and this
Collection of leftovers and
The  old medicines and towers
The sky and its light, no powers
God protect us all through these sour
Bad times we are going to face
No we will not embrace or trace
The source or will we, some will not
We all should, that's our only shot
To make it out alive
Dead or alive
Let this song help you to survive
The clouds and the sky
God will let you die
You will too survive
The clouds and the sky
God will save us all
You will also fall
The clouds in the sky
The clouds and the sky
The clouds and the sky
Our world, our Earth
Our death, our birth
The clouds and the sky
The clouds and the sky
Our world, our Earth
Our death, our birth
Don't say I didn't warn you
There is a cloud
In the sky
I'm trying to get better
my mind is scattered through the trees
my thoughts spread out like leaves
we are tiny specks of dust
so where can we place our trust
in the seeds of course
they are our inheritance
on this sacred earth
the wisdom in the soil
the reason why we’ve toiled
for centuries
is to become like seeds
they deliver us to our destiny
destined to believe
in the goodness of deeds
if forever we plant
the medicines we need
then floods of enlightenment
are already on the horizon
control your appetite
become the flight of eagles
remove the mindless tyrants
from their idle towers
feathers are forgotten
on the lonely shores of eden
while we remain faithful
to the beauty of the seasons
ethan Aug 2018
when i was a freshman one of my friends told me that there was a girl who was talking about me
asking why i was pretending to be straight and that everyone could tell that i was gay
my friends and i laughed it off like children and i quipped “i’m not pretending anything, just ask anyone and they’ll know”

now, i think of the rainbow socks, the only thing i own with a rainbow on it, being shoved down to the bottom of my sock drawer as if it would pop out at any minute and proclaim it’s existence if it were any higher. now, i think of the rainbow highlight that i applies in the bathroom at midnight, pausing every now and again to make sure i was alone. Now, i think of the pride nail art that i scrubbed off my nails minutes after i painted it on. now, i think of the last word in a poem that i wrote and turned in, scared i was being too obvious with the word they.

now, i think of the horrible creature sitting in my chest that simultaneously begs to never tell my secrets and to also scream them from the roof tops. i think of the sludge that lives in me and climbs up my throat, whispering safety into my ear while also ripping apart everything it touches. i think of the pain i feel whenever i say that i’m gay, because it makes things easier if the works sees me as a girl who loves other girls.

before thinking of this poem i had sat back and wondered how many bottles it would take of the various prescription medicines that my parents kept in the kitchen cabinet to **** me. when i remembered the name they would put on the tombstone i stopped and walked away. i remember the time where i couldn’t walk away and i had reached in and grabbed a full bottle of ibuprofen and i took a single one, hoping that my screaming head could be sated by the feeling of a single pill crawling down my throat.

i had a dream last night about someone called addison.
they looked me in the eyes and before i even knew what they looked like their physical form flickered until they were a bright shining star in a vaguely human form.

they sat next to me as we floated in a void on a picnic blanket and they put their arm around my shoulder which felt like a hug from someone i used to know but had forgotten
i stared at their glasses that looked too much like mine as they flickered in and out of existence and they told me i was not where i was supposed to be.

i didnt ask them where but they heard it anyways as if breaking into my thoughts. they answered that they could not tell me and when i thought why they said they didn’t want to spoil the fun of a brighter future for them and me.

i woke up with the taste of lavender on my tongue and the desire to change my name.
i’m not sure who i want to be
You can write your life in elegies, the culture still remains the same
Some say we can make the truth or zero-knowledge from song and dance
Old and aged, insatiable and satiate our addictions lancing us on horses hedonistic
If I were a psychiatrist I'd read you, talk of zero summers, in Hebrew biopsy and medicines, a free think of hope, dangerous thing
But, soon wildflowers will be writing about you makes it worth selling, trouble bed's made and occupied by ***** and mead
If I were a state of mind, I'd be a person of my lines of stares
I write these as an essay on the highs of cultural expression, Tanks can also be a form of cultural expression
Maybe it's oppression on the fire of the year of ten soldiers on the freedom of the nightlight and lively likeness if we were searching for lost gold
It's a way we write about the memories and have free will and fears too, truant about freedom often losing courage and killing kings, queens often make out of it really sad
Rarely, raffle, rabble fiefdom, caviling censuring frenetic energy, virile yelling, on the catatonic hall in the cat in the LA Alhambra hall, or maybe souls pass in that dark hall
It is in the falling stars, into the years as they go by on the fault line of insatiate desires, burning fires in the circles of hell
Arriving in this Le suiva drama or friends in our pallbearers of different friends married to different soulS
Hangovers and everything, black and blue, white and black I cannot tell that the kitten is following in its the prologue of lithe likewise following the battered suitcases on the ways, and long ago
Something like this friendship and relations, festering autumn, seasons change and the summers brings the music of the piano man, Billy Joel
Plays in the freedom that reeks of freedom in the hallway, reflecting in the drunk cigarettes, starched shirts often come in the forum of swarth men, in the frescoed building painted with freewill to achieve
Heights for freewill and tumescence in tempestuous objectivity, of how we look at life, grades of herons, Freud's animals degraded in this foxtail, a plant across the house
In yonder tempered mental gaze, it's struggling to solve these worlds in fewer drinks and more works
Works offered their dreams, we offer the night terrors and midnight mistreatment
Treatize odyssey, riches to rags, muses can call me in my sleep and leave me out wry
Dry
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