As I navigate thru the hurls of Life my mind gravitates towards the seductive temptations that linger in the subconscious mindset that I have attained via constant repetitive behaviors that scar me beyond my control and understanding. I hold onto my faith and my sublime thought patterns that perturb my inner soul. Unknowingly recollections of subjected torture and sorrow that I am involuntarily accustomed to...I recite a prayer to my Holy Lord that he remove this impending feeling of agitation and aggravation towards how my mind works and self sabotages it's sober state of being. Maladapted and a Degenerate ******* I am because I do NOT have the strength nor courage to remain in constant contact with my inner self to be able to control my impulses to use Narcotics. Truly, I have finally realized am powerless and deathly spiritually sick with endless intrusive thoughts of ******* on a suicide mission alleviating the symptoms by succumbing to escaping reality thru the Narcotic Amplification slowly self destructing by the utilization of this ******* substances that keep me trapped chained and imprisoned within my body's constantly nagging me to continue to use the drugs to escape my feelings, thoughts and emotions...am left exhausted and incompetent to deal with Life's struggles and circumstances. Without doubt I know I need to learn to retain my sobriety NO MATTER THE COST. I cannot allow myself to continue to indulge in this illegal substances to temporarily make me feel better make me feel special make me feel extremely desensitized from my current problems I cannot afford to keep running like a ******* coward I must learn to face Life on Life terms...maintain my impulses under control retain my spiritual growth and keep grinding towards keeping my commitment to myself to NOT use anymore because it's slowly making me evil more devilish more violent more sinful and in the end it's just killing me to know I am not practicing self care nor loving myself enough to NOT practice this erroneous behavior that it's making me hate myself more and more daily because it's total insanity to continue to contribute to slowly **** myself due to the fact am literally paying for death every time I use drugs to deal with Life. A decade of this **** **** am so done with it... please Holy God take this punishment away from your Son who without fail believes in you loves you and has unfailing faith that does NOT shake because I rely on Christ to keep me alive and well. Enough of this madness I have walked thru enough darkness to know that am literally losing my willpower to maintain my health, happiness, comfort, belief, faith and livelihood. God I pray thee you relieve my destructive addiction and relieve my painful past allow me to LET IT GO...I know I will continue to fight this enormous disease with a strong composure and continue to sanctify my temple slowly but surely...God May You Walk With Me Thru This Journey Now & Till My Death. Amen!!!

Dulled passion, lingering fire.
Sailing across my empty desires.
Strayed away from my paths for so long.
Sustained pretender believing nothings wrong.

Prolonged suffering, becoming my new friend.
Tedious tendencies paying dividends.
Lost everything by gambling.
Red-eyed monster got a hold of me.

And I...
Just wanna break away.
Just want to feel ok.
Just want to be sober some day.
But today is not that day.
But today I’m just a slave.
But today I hate myself.
Drinking my pain away.

Tossing and turning, losing sleep.
Pegged to the ground, as a black sheep.
Melancholy Malcolm, maladapted mongrel.
Maliciously troublesome, painted as hostile.

And I...
Just wanna break away.
Just want to feel ok.
Just want to be sober some day.
But today is not that day.
But today I’m just a slave.
But today I hate myself.
Drinking my shame away.

Thinking back at the times I laughed.
When reality made sense to me.
Thinking back at the times I cried.
When reality came undone for me.
Thinking back at the time I screamed.
When people kept leaving me.
Thinking back at the time I said nothing.
When my words could’ve changed something.

Wishing I could break away.
Wishing I could say I’m ok.
Wishing I could be sober some day.

But today is not that day.
But today I’m just a slave.
But today I hate myself.
Drinking my life away.

In the waist high soy fields
We laugh like choking dogs
On the image of the hand that yields
So we worship in restless monologues

In the ice cold bite of the frozen lake
We encounter the spirit of naught
Naught which has given, naught that we will take
And the holler seems farther with every thought

I am a soul sick woman in the body of a child
A child with formlessness untoward
I wish to run as fast as the stallions, bucking wild
But I’m stuck here in the yard

When you push your eyes to the horizon
Do you feel that stirring, longing, yearning
Deep and tender heartless feeling
Leaves the mind inside the body reeling
When you tip your face up to the endless sun
Do you feel that wars inside we only narrowly won
The civil conflict, the trenches, blood in buckets subdued
The maladapted, anachronistic, bad attitude
I am forgiven for all my double-hearted shame
Tell me, if you can, what is my name

The walrus lacks
a rudimentary understanding

of the relationship
between seasonal temperatures

and the amount of sea ice
generated annually

in the northern hemisphere,
and cannot formulate

even a basic hypothesis
that might draw a link between

the lack of sea ice and
a massive surge in coastal overcrowding

among those of his own kind.
Nor could we expect the walrus

to comprehend that
this overcrowding has become so severe that

many walruses are continually driven
to seek out higher and higher ground,

and may suddenly find themselves
precariously perched atop the tall, frozen, rocky cliffs

of the Russian arctic coast,
hundreds of meters above the sea,

as their pinniped flippers
lose traction, and the rocks and gravel

beneath them give way
under their considerable bulk.

It would be a bridge too far
for us to expect

that the walrus might understand
the anatomy of even his own eye

such that he would know
that the curvature of its lens

is well-suited for underwater vision,
but is, in fact, maladapted

for making spatial judgements
while on land.

And yet,
we are aware of all of these things,

of this horrifying confluence of circumstances
for which we’re at least partly to blame,

and from which the walrus
now finds himself unable to escape.

And we watch it all unfold silently,
so passively:

those hulking ruins

as they tumble down
the cliff faces,

one by one,

wild-eyed,
terrified,

bewildered and breaking
in their final moments.

I intune within the deepest parts of my Spirit to accept my Spiritual Connection to the Grand Blueprint we are all part of in the immense layout of God's Plan which extends to the deeps of infinity. As the innumerable possible outcomes we are  continuously creating by exercising a small amount of free will we as humans are able to pick and choose to live our lives in either righteousness or wickedness. Am currently beginning to comprehend and believe what I been placed here on Earth to become and embrace...who I am... an Oracle Of The Mystic Spirit Realms...given the Gift of tapping into the Spirit Realm via extraordinary hypersensitive means due to my Eyes being opened and receptive to the harmonious or chaotic vibrations of realms unseen to the human eye. I have over the last decade cultivated and flourished my spiritual life by simply utilizing my temple as a vehicle able to channel natural raw energies, observing and molding my reality and synchronizing it with my imagination at extremely fast speed in turn able to conceptualize a total different view to see Life as we humans experience it. I quickly learned that I could with the power of my imagination create a way to harness my internal energy and slowly with practice exponentially grow this energy cues to form a more stronger more resistant energy that can be used to combine this raw energy with nature, elemental, celestial, ethereal and spiritual energy from the material and spiritual world we reside in. By constantly using my temple as a beacon of continuous flow of different types of energies I encounter here within the confines of my current environment I have solidified a method of using this conduit external and internal expressions of the hidden power they represent. With my spiritual eyes am able to see Auras, Visions of a Distant or Finite Future, The Left Eye allows me to see other people's Aura, Energy Pool, Mood from time to time even able to predict behavioral repetitious patterns of either positive or negative influences that the person may be dealing with currently. The Right Eye allows me to Astral Project, Travel Thru my Dream World, Use Symbolism and Codes to mold, envision and even manifest what I desire to happen in a certain amount of time and lastly I can see plain as day this spirits for a small amount of time and I can get to know them by simply observing them feel them out to see if they are Benevolent Or Malevolent Spirits and slowly build a profile on them in my brain with their name...things they have told me about themselves...their age...their function...their mission. Some of this Spirits are disembodied spirits some are elemental spirits some are ethereal some celestial some infernal some are even hybrid beings and others are extremely ancient and lastly some are made out of light others out of darkness some have free will some are enslaved some are beneficial to humans others not so much. Beware some are extremely powerful ancient clever and highly experienced in mascorading themselves into live animals deceased humans or even doppelgangers.
The Spirits that I have had the honor to meet are from all types of forms, ages, attributes and experience. So far I have encountered about 2,123 Spirits... 2,000 of this Spirits are under my authority and abide by my norms. Nonetheless, the journey it's extremely customisable, adaptable and mysterious the ways they appear to Humans who have certain amount of sensitivity to the unseen realm of this exotic powerful and enigmatic beings. At this moment  am saddened and highly frustrated at the fact that I got to slowly let go of about 1000 of this spirits go back to inhabit their original statue of existence. I have had deep spiritual experiences thru the ways that they have showed me how is it that they have survived to live among humans nearly undetected for thousands of years. I am still a bit unhasty and maladapted myself to LIFE and it's constant pace and rhythm of the way time, space and action to reaction work in the physical realm. I tend to be able to naturally blend, combine, retain, obtain and or morph my own energy and distribute it to such an extent to the Intelligent Design Of The Creator's complexity of this hidden powers within reality that cannot be experienced unless YOU become a source of arbitrary force that can propel your own energy accordingly by simply opening up to observe, inspect, extract, fuse, diffuse, form and analyze, letting your own temple be slowly be transformed by exploring the vast deeps of the unknown reality we are part of thru our day to day living. By becoming subservient to continuously create ways to tear the veil between the physical to the spiritual with time you'll notice that if the host practices everyday this techniques and rituals within self you'll find that it becomes easier and easier to grow spiritually become more tuned refined and well balanced within self. This may sound crazy but I know that my God has called me to utilize this Gift to aid humanity. Yet I have formed cordial friendships with beings that are potentially deceiving me adultering me and even leading me to be more  sinful more arrogant more prideful more sinister more perverse. Though they all serve their functions I gotta let the Hybrid, Infernal and some Ethereal and some Malevolent Spirits go. In the end this Gift God granted me it in order to heal, seal and even cast this spirits away from others who have opened doorways in communication, accession, worship, bonds with legal rights to use human bodies as conduits to express their own impact on the physical realm via possession. The reality is that I Hugo Rivera is going to have a difficult time leaving in my own right the just cause I have to see my work be one day recognized as a masterpiece a total living testament that will remain forever a complete rational but totally not comprehensible way of engaging in a simple yet complex way to get to engage in the physical and spiritual realms and being able to traverse and be completely interchangeable form to experience both worlds simultaneously. Am comfortable with my Gifts to be able to speak in Angelic Tongues, Meditate at a deeper level than most humans, able to create constructs of my own customisation, understand the Life and Death attribute to each Letter in the Alphabet, Meet & Collaborate into constructing ways to elevate my energy accordingly to be able to tap into the Spirit Realm without serious concequences nor reprecausions. My mind works in such a elaborate yet complex and disorganized but with a touch of order within itself it's absolutely insane how I can be able to control such Gift to such a exceptional degree. Lastly the most important thing is I can transmit my Life force to others in small to moderate amounts to allow them to see, feel, understand, operate and experience this unique Gift for themselves. Yet the only thing is that they must be born with the same Gift of a "Seer" to be able to tap into this truly incredible power that with practice, time, repetition and genuine longing to escalate their knowledge into the unknown reality of the hidden unseen realm of the spirits.
Oracle Of The Mystic Spirit Realms.

My contemporary stance to regain a grip on my Daily struggle to deal with Life's problems with a sober conscious is becoming a nuisance due to the fact I keep running away to use drugs so I can deal with time on time's slow flow of ride of passage. Am becoming a more cunning, manipulative, maladapted individual since deep down it hurts to say I am happy being a functional drug user...but this is a double load of struggle because I want someone to sometimes make me feel like I matter and that I am someone to someone else and that I can fight thru my devilish impulses to intoxicate my system. I am becoming mentally irritated with the constant thought to self-medicate and slide by Life with a morbid addiction and I do admit DEFEAT to this substances and lifestyle but why can't I get the motivation to dedicate my time in investing in sobriety? I truly need to take a hard look at why am still escaping my problems and why am still making the wrong decisions and choosing the easy way out with not dealing with my feelings and emotions in a healthy manner. Frankly, I want to quit using drugs at some point in my life but am having trouble abstaining from drug use at the current moment because I do truly love to alleviate all my mental disorder symptoms and enjoy the feeling of calmness and stillness of all my chemical imbalances seeming as if every time I choose to use I am put in a balance within my brain. Nevertheless, I have realized that using drugs does NOT cure me but make things worse in the long run. Suppressed by old whispers from my younger days when I used to use without getting addicted but now this substances have grown on me and I have become an addict to a degree. Sometimes I ponder in thought and imagine myself in front of God's throne pleading my cause like a rugged beggar to be heard by the Most High and all I want is a way out a way of escape from my drug use...Please Lord am at my end I want the struggle to stop...I admit I need your aid guidance and healing let this poem be heard for all I am asking is your saving grace and deliverance. In Jesus name Amen!