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"maddening" poems
The photos were leaked today They were of a **** woman with brown skin Love making as she stared straight into the lenses I was showed by a man who did not know how to react once I had been shown My reaction was not shock I merely stated "That's baad" I did not know how to react to the staunch cyber-bully who was sure he was doing himself a justice by being so open about his anger at the naked, brown, humiliated, naked, shamed, beautiful I am shamed by his shaming I am naked by his ********** I am beautiful by myself sometimes Sometimes I take the tape off my camera and position it near my bloom I am not alone in this activity and yet I feel alone in an intimate situation, feel less alone, in a private situation. Sometimes I work it so that every part of my dark lips are shadowed and my fingers seem to work for a living rather than play My body is not a string It is a temple of dark things It is a ossuary filled with the dust of former lives It is not to be dangled for cats for play It has no puppet hands Or puppet face It smiles because it sees you smile And she frowns when she sees you laugh It is alive The misfortune you hope her body will bring her is shame I hope it will bring other people enlightenment The fault is not in her The fault is in the malicious, villainous, caricature of man who is hallow and made of maddening bells Every time you disturb him he rings in announcement "This lady I had once an intimate relationship and she abused me. Here is her punishment." We are all cavernous tunnels with lights to shoot out of the pins and needles sensational feelings we do not desire this but we must desire to be freed from being owned by this We all think we're exempted from shame until we are ashamed There are no exemptions, only more bells They ring, until background noise renders them obsolete to us
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Oct 3, 2017
Oct 3, 2017 at 10:43 AM UTC
Beautiful, brown, naked, woman
The photos were leaked today They were of a **** woman with brown skin Love making as she stared straight into the lenses I was showed by a man who did not know how to react once I had been shown My reaction was not shock I merely stated "That's baad" I did not know how to react to the staunch cyber-bully who was sure he was doing himself a justice by being so open about his anger at the naked, brown, humiliated, naked, shamed, beautiful I am shamed by his shaming I am naked by his ********** I am beautiful by myself sometimes Sometimes I take the tape off my camera and position it near my bloom I am not alone in this activity and yet I feel alone in an intimate situation, feel less alone, in a private situation. Sometimes I work it so that every part of my dark lips are shadowed and my fingers seem to work for a living rather than play My body is not a string It is a temple of dark things It is a ossuary filled with the dust of former lives It is not to be dangled for cats for play It has no puppet hands Or puppet face It smiles because it sees you smile And she frowns when she sees you laugh It is alive The misfortune you hope her body will bring her is shame I hope it will bring other people enlightenment The fault is not in her The fault is in the malicious, villainous, caricature of man who is hallow and made of maddening bells Every time you disturb him he rings in announcement "This lady I had once an intimate relationship and she abused me. Here is her punishment." We are all cavernous tunnels with lights to shoot out of the pins and needles sensational feelings we do not desire this but we must desire to be freed from being owned by this We all think we're exempted from shame until we are ashamed There are no exemptions, only more bells They ring, until background noise renders them obsolete to us
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31
Time: 7:30 pm Temp.: 68F ~~~ overlooking the runways, festooned by accidental heavenly whimsy, or humanistic whimsical inten-sity, all the the planes and trucks are flashing electrifying speckles, of eclectically synced red and green it is not my holiday, but no matter, like every New Yorker this day, I am happily celebrating its double U, unique, unusual "record breaking warmth" yes, the Fahrenheit is outtasight, and by the dawn of early eve~night, the Centigrade is spiraling in reverse retrograde, as the temp eases on down, just below seventy degrees, on this dewinterized twenty fourth day of December, two nought and fifteen traffic is light, the terminal, an unbusy, slim shadow of itself, the maddening crowds gone, now all are among the dearly departed and either/or, the newly arrived so composition of the observational, brings cheer and smiles to my faith, (I mean my face), the crowning quietude of clear skies, the absence of street smart city  bustle and hustle, the languid atmosphere at the gates, (where seldom is heard an encouraging word)# makes me reconsider the true meaning of the au courant phraseology of this day "record breaking warmth" for there is indeed a calm invisible warmth suffusing all tonite, chests glowing from fireplaces within, contentment chamber containers in both hearth and heart, and I am thinking miracle, about all the human warmth on this celebrated evening, holy night indeed, it is breaking records of recorded human fusion, the united commonality of millions warming his and her stories world-over, that your personal poet is warming to record
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Dec 24, 2015
Dec 24, 2015 at 8:21 PM UTC
Christmas Eve, 2015, LaGuardia Airport, NYC
Time: 7:30 pm Temp.: 68F ~~~ overlooking the runways, festooned by accidental heavenly whimsy, or humanistic whimsical inten-sity, all the the planes and trucks are flashing electrifying speckles, of eclectically synced red and green it is not my holiday, but no matter, like every New Yorker this day, I am happily celebrating its double U, unique, unusual "record breaking warmth" yes, the Fahrenheit is outtasight, and by the dawn of early eve~night, the Centigrade is spiraling in reverse retrograde, as the temp eases on down, just below seventy degrees, on this dewinterized twenty fourth day of December, two nought and fifteen traffic is light, the terminal, an unbusy, slim shadow of itself, the maddening crowds gone, now all are among the dearly departed and either/or, the newly arrived so composition of the observational, brings cheer and smiles to my faith, (I mean my face), the crowning quietude of clear skies, the absence of street smart city  bustle and hustle, the languid atmosphere at the gates, (where seldom is heard an encouraging word)# makes me reconsider the true meaning of the au courant phraseology of this day "record breaking warmth" for there is indeed a calm invisible warmth suffusing all tonite, chests glowing from fireplaces within, contentment chamber containers in both hearth and heart, and I am thinking miracle, about all the human warmth on this celebrated evening, holy night indeed, it is breaking records of recorded human fusion, the united commonality of millions warming his and her stories world-over, that your personal poet is warming to record
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51
Like a hearth, Her hair was inviting And warm, red mahogany Her deceptive eyes Sensing danger Betrayed only by her quivering crimson lips Back against the wall Separated by arm’s length Sobering distance Maddening silence She, reticent siren Far from the ocean Far, far greater than its depth She, from the wild A wolf’s howl Far from the forest Far, far greener than its leaves She was shelter, In the mountain I found myself lost
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Oct 9, 2014
Oct 9, 2014 at 6:05 PM UTC
She, like a hearth
Caste in India is a dense forest Ambedkar wanted to make it a plain And tried his best to abolish it in right earnest But he knew full well that he was in vain If one wants to cut a poisonous plant The other shouts like a maddening giant The environmentalist feels deforestation is dangerous So the re-forestation makes him curious The wise believe deforestation is a myth The roots are so entrenched in earth The trees will continue to branching out and out And grow and grow to a greater height
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Jan 29, 2011
Jan 29, 2011 at 7:16 AM UTC
DE-FORESTATION OR RE-FORESTATION?
I cried at the breakfast table this morning my father carefully explained, "wives must be submissive to their husbands" "housecleaning is the domain of the woman" "God created woman because man asked for a partner" This past semester I wrote two papers One, a fire and brimstone sermon           I quoted Anais Nin           sending the creators of sexist commercials to eternal suffering           **** them!" I said. "May they burn in hell."           For the women they portrayed were doormats           Misconceptions           Monsters The other, the role of women in the 1920s,            No longer confined to the kitchen            they dropped ballots with their new freedom            they wore short dresses and short tresses            fingers wrapped around cigs            they quoted Wilde instead of Alcott            they danced until their feet hurt         I read of Anais Nin's "new woman," her partnership, not submission to man, I craved a room of my own, neigh demanded it For sheep stayed in the kitchen, The Woolf had a study. I read poetry Sexton, Plath, I wept for their starved, depressed selves caged, suffocating inside the clasped hands of a man. Loved like rib-cage jails. Adrienne Rich made me angry, her daughter-in-law forever trying to fit into a box she was always too big for, spilling at the edges, her shaved legs like "white mammoth tusks" I was finally happy with my womanhood. ****** ****** ***** ******** they are mine. ******* free to move unrestrained, jiggling under my shirt. Wetness between my thighs. Menstrual blood, they are mine. mine. I am not ashamed of what I am because there is no shame. I am woman, I am girl, I am lady. I am a creature with a voice a mind. a creature who endured much abuse, continue to endure. I am woman and I don't have to be wife or mother unless I want to be. I was not created for man; I was created for the same reason he was, to serve the same great purpose on this tiny blue dot. I am not rib. I am ****** ****** ***** ******** ******* free, unrestrained, Wetness between my thighs. Menstrual blood, I am a per. I am a wo. I am a hu. Man and son need to back down, collaborate not dominate, speak not command, for when less are forced into silence, the maddening scream hidden inside skin and bones and muscle-meat becomes song. this world of car horns and tire screeches crying and wailing from raw throats angry protests of indignation could use a little music.
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Apr 8, 2013
Apr 8, 2013 at 6:59 PM UTC
Father broke my heart.
I cried at the breakfast table this morning my father carefully explained, "wives must be submissive to their husbands" "housecleaning is the domain of the woman" "God created woman because man asked for a partner" This past semester I wrote two papers One, a fire and brimstone sermon           I quoted Anais Nin           sending the creators of sexist commercials to eternal suffering           **** them!" I said. "May they burn in hell."           For the women they portrayed were doormats           Misconceptions           Monsters The other, the role of women in the 1920s,            No longer confined to the kitchen            they dropped ballots with their new freedom            they wore short dresses and short tresses            fingers wrapped around cigs            they quoted Wilde instead of Alcott            they danced until their feet hurt         I read of Anais Nin's "new woman," her partnership, not submission to man, I craved a room of my own, neigh demanded it For sheep stayed in the kitchen, The Woolf had a study. I read poetry Sexton, Plath, I wept for their starved, depressed selves caged, suffocating inside the clasped hands of a man. Loved like rib-cage jails. Adrienne Rich made me angry, her daughter-in-law forever trying to fit into a box she was always too big for, spilling at the edges, her shaved legs like "white mammoth tusks" I was finally happy with my womanhood. ****** ****** ***** ******** they are mine. ******* free to move unrestrained, jiggling under my shirt. Wetness between my thighs. Menstrual blood, they are mine. mine. I am not ashamed of what I am because there is no shame. I am woman, I am girl, I am lady. I am a creature with a voice a mind. a creature who endured much abuse, continue to endure. I am woman and I don't have to be wife or mother unless I want to be. I was not created for man; I was created for the same reason he was, to serve the same great purpose on this tiny blue dot. I am not rib. I am ****** ****** ***** ******** ******* free, unrestrained, Wetness between my thighs. Menstrual blood, I am a per. I am a wo. I am a hu. Man and son need to back down, collaborate not dominate, speak not command, for when less are forced into silence, the maddening scream hidden inside skin and bones and muscle-meat becomes song. this world of car horns and tire screeches crying and wailing from raw throats angry protests of indignation could use a little music.
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82
Up and lead the dance of Fate! Lift the song that mortals hate! Tell what rights are ours on earth, Over all of human birth. Swift of foot to avenge are we! He whose hands are clean and pure, Naught our wrath to dread hath he; Calm his cloudless days endure. But the man that seeks to hide Like him (1), his gore-bedewèd hands, Witnesses to them that died, The blood avengers at his side, The Furies' troop forever stands. O'er our victim come begin! Come, the incantation sing, Frantic all and maddening, To the heart a brand of fire, The Furies' hymn, That which claims the senses dim, Tuneless to the gentle lyre, Withering the soul within. The pride of all of human birth, All glorious in the eye of day, Dishonored slowly melts away, Trod down and trampled to the earth, Whene'er our dark-stoled troop advances, Whene'er our feet lead on the dismal dances. For light our footsteps are, And perfect is our might, Awful remembrances of guilt and crime, Implacable to mortal prayer, Far from the gods, unhonored, and heaven's light, We hold our voiceless dwellings dread, All unapproached by living or by dead. What mortal feels not awe, Nor trembles at our name, Hearing our fate-appointed power sublime, Fixed by the eternal law. For old our office, and our fame, Might never yet of its due honors fail, Though 'neath the earth our realm in unsunned regions pale.
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7.6k
Song Of The Furies
I am broken, Come name your price Hidden in the shelter of a lonely life Come choose your savage See their perfect disguise You could never love me Cause I live in these lies I am damaged goods I’m misunderstood I come in the perfect packaging Wrapped up in severed ties Stamped with a sticker on top Come, name your price. I am damaged goods I am damaged goods I am damaged goods. I am lonely In this sea of maddening sounds I am hurt From those people who aren’t around I break my happiness At every chance I get And then I’ll ask myself Why I feel so depressed I am damaged goods I’m misunderstood I come in the perfect packaging Wrapped up in severed ties Stamped with a sticker on top Come, name your price. I am damaged goods I am damaged goods I am damaged goods. I can’t get out Fromt this crippling doubt I feel so empty without You there beside me I need somewhere to go Somewhere in the great unknown Somewhere I can be alone I am damaged goods I’m misunderstood I am damaged goods I’m misunderstood I come in the perfect packaging Wrapped up in severed ties Stamped with a sticker on top Come, name your price. I am damaged goods I am damaged goods I am damaged goods.
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Mar 17, 2018
Mar 17, 2018 at 5:36 AM UTC
Damaged Goods
You have taught me so many things You taught me: how easily a stranger can become an acquaintance that brightens your day, a co-worker that makes work a little more exciting how abrupt that pang of disappointment can be when I didn't see your face how maddening it is to keep your feelings to yourself how rewarding it is to get those feelings off your chest, because you felt the same way how crazy butterflies can be - when my stomach would turn in anticipation of seeing you how childishly young I can feel, giddy with hopes of hanging out with you or getting a text how both electrifying, and paralyzing, a first kiss can be that love can grow seemingly overnight and that your whole life becomes consumed with thoughts of the other that hearing "I love you" whispered from your dear one's arms is what would probably be described as Heaven that I deserve to feel special, and beautiful, and wanted, and happy that holding someone's hand or cuddling can instantly make you forget a bad day how heart-wrenching leaving you miles away could be (even if we were only apart for two weeks) what the first hug and kiss after getting off the plane should feel like how nice it is to feel stable, comfortable, and make plans for the future How quickly everything can change that sometimes people won't include you, even if you're there for them and even if they love you how drifting apart can make time stand still how many tears a single person can cry that wondering what the other one is doing can drive you into a form of depression how realizing he's not ever going to be the perfect boyfriend again can hurt that doubting everything you ever did isn't healthy, because it's not your fault how not being a priority can make you the angriest you've ever felt how distrustful I become of believing those words...I love you that I still feel crazy about you how it's possible to be upset and mad at someone and still want to fix all their problems and give them everything they want how hard it is to let go that sitting at home isn't going to help anything that thinking about the golden days, when I knew you loved me so much that it was unbelievable even to me, isn't going to bring us back together that you have a lot of growing up to do and things to work on that my wonderful prince isn't always wonderful that I also have growing up to do, and much more to learn that a few months with you were some of the best of my life and I've never felt more special how a real relationship should feel - and even though it wasn't perfect, I still feel like it was And finally: you won't be the one I have that relationship with, but you taught me what to look for when I'm ready And for that I'll always be grateful
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Nov 20, 2013
Nov 20, 2013 at 12:03 AM UTC
What You Taught Me
You have taught me so many things You taught me: how easily a stranger can become an acquaintance that brightens your day, a co-worker that makes work a little more exciting how abrupt that pang of disappointment can be when I didn't see your face how maddening it is to keep your feelings to yourself how rewarding it is to get those feelings off your chest, because you felt the same way how crazy butterflies can be - when my stomach would turn in anticipation of seeing you how childishly young I can feel, giddy with hopes of hanging out with you or getting a text how both electrifying, and paralyzing, a first kiss can be that love can grow seemingly overnight and that your whole life becomes consumed with thoughts of the other that hearing "I love you" whispered from your dear one's arms is what would probably be described as Heaven that I deserve to feel special, and beautiful, and wanted, and happy that holding someone's hand or cuddling can instantly make you forget a bad day how heart-wrenching leaving you miles away could be (even if we were only apart for two weeks) what the first hug and kiss after getting off the plane should feel like how nice it is to feel stable, comfortable, and make plans for the future How quickly everything can change that sometimes people won't include you, even if you're there for them and even if they love you how drifting apart can make time stand still how many tears a single person can cry that wondering what the other one is doing can drive you into a form of depression how realizing he's not ever going to be the perfect boyfriend again can hurt that doubting everything you ever did isn't healthy, because it's not your fault how not being a priority can make you the angriest you've ever felt how distrustful I become of believing those words...I love you that I still feel crazy about you how it's possible to be upset and mad at someone and still want to fix all their problems and give them everything they want how hard it is to let go that sitting at home isn't going to help anything that thinking about the golden days, when I knew you loved me so much that it was unbelievable even to me, isn't going to bring us back together that you have a lot of growing up to do and things to work on that my wonderful prince isn't always wonderful that I also have growing up to do, and much more to learn that a few months with you were some of the best of my life and I've never felt more special how a real relationship should feel - and even though it wasn't perfect, I still feel like it was And finally: you won't be the one I have that relationship with, but you taught me what to look for when I'm ready And for that I'll always be grateful
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38
What has become of us Amidst the hustle and bustle of city life When did evolution condone us to regress into a state Of uncalculated caucus As we meander our way through the rapids of life Rapid Is hardly a best-fit descriptor For we are past the point of speed We mill around like headless horses Buzzing bees Stinging roaches Fallen leaves Roaring lions Try to lead But fail Like cottons fighting breeze Is this all we are? Is this what we were made for? To quickly climb the climb And await the graceless fall Parachutes prepared for praise But our pride prevents and prevails Till the day I climb the ladder Shall I not attempt to see What the view at the top might be like I fear it enthralls me But then reality strikes like a maddening blaze And suddenly I see That I'm well on my way up the hill As I swing from bridge to bridge Is this the way to live? Uncautious steps with kleptomaniac ease As we take what we desire From our capitalistic divider Though we hate to be the same Not at all do we differ Are we not all blinded mice With a tetra-human vice Spiders apt at spinning lies Banking life on Friday highs All around me boring beasts Lost to whims, to say the least What I fear most is the day I give in and join the race Is the day I eat my heart out Just to enjoy the highest gaze Till then here trapped in the zoo Enclosure encasing truth Finding fault with every human till the day I conform too
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Sep 26, 2014
Sep 26, 2014 at 8:12 AM UTC
Speed
We are trapped in our own river of Time being pushed forward faster the longer we live We can see behind us to where we have been before us we can only guess what will come There is madness being thrown into the rapids confusion and disorientation fills my mind as the cold feelings fill my lungs and heart I long to sit in a steady pool of water a lake of peace or an endless ocean anything to stop this maddening journey I cannot keep up with the speed of the water everything that I was has washed away I am drowning in Time, the present does not exist constantly moving forward, nothing is now
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Feb 18, 2013
Feb 18, 2013 at 1:23 AM UTC
Drowning in Time
Like a lotus emerging Unsullied From the mud, So have you appeared, In this world, Yet not of it. I consider myself Most blessed of all men For having glimpsed upon your face. Not even Michelangelo, With all his magnificent frescoes, Could have conceived of such beauty. The most flowery prose of Marquez wilts, Inadequate to fully describe your radiance. The supple, rich compositions of Mozart Are a rancorous cacophony Compared to the melody of your voice. Your entire being is a testament To the masterful craftsmanship of our Lord. I may circumnavigate this world Sample the most luscious of delicacies Climb the lofty peak of Everest Swim the English Channel Trek the Ural Mountains Watch the Caribbean sunset Walk the entirety of the Great Wall But none of these shall hope to compare with the blissful moment When my eyes fell upon you. It was truly a day of days, One which no other can rival. You stood out A swan Regal in its repose Amongst Ducks Babbling away In their ignominy. I have found my muse -- Alas! -- But for a moment. Yet I shall not rage. Neither shall I weep. Just because He got to you first. Just because He is Perhaps More worthy Of you. I shall not fly Into a maelstrom of emotion Sulk with resentment And seethe with envy Just for losing Something Someone I never even had. Just because She will never be mine. I shall not have To lower and abandon myself To the maddening clutches Of grief To wantonly fling My artless soul At the burning altar Of undignified melancholy. For it is foolish. Yet I cannot help But do exactly this. Act like the boy, The child, That I am. For what else am I? I am not a man Like him After all. Not adequate For anything Resembling a soulmate For anyone Like her. I can never hold you In my arms Never gaze Into your eyes My ears can never hear you Whisper Sweet nothings. And My lips shall never Meet yours. So what Else Can I do But mourn?
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Mar 6, 2014
Mar 6, 2014 at 11:48 PM UTC
Lotus
Like a lotus emerging Unsullied From the mud, So have you appeared, In this world, Yet not of it. I consider myself Most blessed of all men For having glimpsed upon your face. Not even Michelangelo, With all his magnificent frescoes, Could have conceived of such beauty. The most flowery prose of Marquez wilts, Inadequate to fully describe your radiance. The supple, rich compositions of Mozart Are a rancorous cacophony Compared to the melody of your voice. Your entire being is a testament To the masterful craftsmanship of our Lord. I may circumnavigate this world Sample the most luscious of delicacies Climb the lofty peak of Everest Swim the English Channel Trek the Ural Mountains Watch the Caribbean sunset Walk the entirety of the Great Wall But none of these shall hope to compare with the blissful moment When my eyes fell upon you. It was truly a day of days, One which no other can rival. You stood out A swan Regal in its repose Amongst Ducks Babbling away In their ignominy. I have found my muse -- Alas! -- But for a moment. Yet I shall not rage. Neither shall I weep. Just because He got to you first. Just because He is Perhaps More worthy Of you. I shall not fly Into a maelstrom of emotion Sulk with resentment And seethe with envy Just for losing Something Someone I never even had. Just because She will never be mine. I shall not have To lower and abandon myself To the maddening clutches Of grief To wantonly fling My artless soul At the burning altar Of undignified melancholy. For it is foolish. Yet I cannot help But do exactly this. Act like the boy, The child, That I am. For what else am I? I am not a man Like him After all. Not adequate For anything Resembling a soulmate For anyone Like her. I can never hold you In my arms Never gaze Into your eyes My ears can never hear you Whisper Sweet nothings. And My lips shall never Meet yours. So what Else Can I do But mourn?
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98
''Sexual attraction is confusing, maddening, euphoric, even dangerous. It drives people to extreme behavior, even unspeakable crimes. The beating pulse, the sweating palms, the rise of chemicals in the brain are the symptoms of a much deeper, more mysterious affliction. The mechanism that chooses and controls the objects of ****** desire can only be found in the heart of the unexplained''
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Aug 31, 2014
Aug 31, 2014 at 7:00 PM UTC
****** attraction
MUMBAI The monstrous maddening megalopolis; Obscure and replusive yet inviting. Home to a billion- mirage seekers, who withstand,endure &nurse; their dreams behind the fringes of misery: waiting for their turn lest chase and collapse at the door frame of a metaphor !
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Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 3:56 AM UTC
Mumbai
Temptation is sweet, subtle, Like the steady rhythm of beach waves -- Not there unless you're listening and Watching for the sly and slick riptide. The wait is agonizing, maddening, Like walking along shell shattered sand -- Not willing to stop and reason Knowing the anxiety is pulling people under. The fall is sudden, quick, Like the rush of a tidal wave -- Relentless in its destruction and Scattering the power lusted as the serpent rises.
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Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 10:23 AM UTC
Temptation's Pull
What do you need right now, Nita? Shelter from the storm...that’s what I would like right now, that’s what I need right now, dear therapist. Shelter from the storm. I don’t doubt my determination to survive and yet here I am crying again. Crying and wishing for some GD shelter from the storm…the therapist does not question my commitment or desire to continue to work through this and someday come out on the other side. At least I don’t think he does. I can’t find my safe place now…it was such a fragile structure to begin with, made of straw and easily blown away in a storm. But it did exist two years ago. It did. And for the first time in my life I felt understood, safe, ‘real’. My safe place was a place I could be angry and sad, and hopeless. A place I could ask for guidance in the midst of confusion; a place of encouragement and comfort. A place where I could find shelter from the storm. But I can’t find it now! I feel like I am on the edge of tumbling into oblivion due to my own intransigence and inability to let the therapist back in.(or anybody) And I desperately need him tonight…shelter from the rain, stability in the wind, comfort in the thunder and lightning that is threatening me now. And what is maddening to me is if the therapist walked up to me right now, with a stadium sized umbrella and said, “Nita, come in and I will give you shelter from the storm.” I still stand in the rain, wind and thunderstorm and decline his umbrella because of my fear he would just wrench it away before the storm was over. So, here I sit, like a frightened child, on my own little island, surrounded by the storm, crying my eyes out over loss and betrayal…on an endless search for shelter from the storm. Here I sit arguing with myself! *"Nita, you can't do it alone.  He wants to help you - take the **** umbrella!"   "No!  I won't take it!  I don't need his **** umbrella!"   "Fine! You stupid baby! Suffer by yourself then ~ stubborn little *****   "I said take the umbrella!"* Messed up?  That does not even begin to cover it.
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Jun 17, 2014
Jun 17, 2014 at 12:05 AM UTC
Shelter from the storm
What do you need right now, Nita? Shelter from the storm...that’s what I would like right now, that’s what I need right now, dear therapist. Shelter from the storm. I don’t doubt my determination to survive and yet here I am crying again. Crying and wishing for some GD shelter from the storm…the therapist does not question my commitment or desire to continue to work through this and someday come out on the other side. At least I don’t think he does. I can’t find my safe place now…it was such a fragile structure to begin with, made of straw and easily blown away in a storm. But it did exist two years ago. It did. And for the first time in my life I felt understood, safe, ‘real’. My safe place was a place I could be angry and sad, and hopeless. A place I could ask for guidance in the midst of confusion; a place of encouragement and comfort. A place where I could find shelter from the storm. But I can’t find it now! I feel like I am on the edge of tumbling into oblivion due to my own intransigence and inability to let the therapist back in.(or anybody) And I desperately need him tonight…shelter from the rain, stability in the wind, comfort in the thunder and lightning that is threatening me now. And what is maddening to me is if the therapist walked up to me right now, with a stadium sized umbrella and said, “Nita, come in and I will give you shelter from the storm.” I still stand in the rain, wind and thunderstorm and decline his umbrella because of my fear he would just wrench it away before the storm was over. So, here I sit, like a frightened child, on my own little island, surrounded by the storm, crying my eyes out over loss and betrayal…on an endless search for shelter from the storm. Here I sit arguing with myself! *"Nita, you can't do it alone.  He wants to help you - take the **** umbrella!"   "No!  I won't take it!  I don't need his **** umbrella!"   "Fine! You stupid baby! Suffer by yourself then ~ stubborn little *****   "I said take the umbrella!"* Messed up?  That does not even begin to cover it.
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13
What if I fell in love With a broken down son-of-a-bitch Not because I needed to fix him But simply because I wanted to revel in his beauty The maddening craziness Of a life A life that didn't need to be maintained with perfection A life where you could just knock down pillars that you didn't need Destroy friendships that weren't beneficial A life where one could disown one's own mother Without the whole neighbourhood offering their tut-tuts And their 5 cents too many About how to trim your garden What if I fell in love with a life Who let their weeds grow And created a garden out of thorns A **** patch that would make those neighbours shriek What if I fell in love with chaos and disorder Not to right the tables Nor to order the shelves What if I didn't attempt to prune the garden But I let it grow into a forest And then laughed when I stepped on a thorn What if I let the sun shine through the madness What if I opened my arms to the destruction What if you sung me a lullaby out of tune And I asked you to sing it anyways…
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Apr 9, 2014
Apr 9, 2014 at 1:57 AM UTC
Broken China Has A Beauty Of Its Own
It was a out-of-town trip that prompted me to tape a two inch bar of black over a band of color. So that's what hate does. It's a maddening, saddening sort of oppression, this sort of silencing It's a whisper-born fear, half-irrational, half-necessary. I'm a scared boy again, and I'm standing in the school yard. And here's what I learned today: Anyone, everyone is an threat, and protect your heart with hate. I could be a revolutionary, but I'm just an unwilling soldier. I'm living life in safe-houses, traveling only by the safest routes, because I love differently.
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Oct 3, 2012
Oct 3, 2012 at 1:34 AM UTC
Censorship
"you are so strong" my eyes stared into nothing, burning with the absence of tears. i knew there would be a point where i could not cry anymore. what was everyone seeing? because all i felt was weakness, pain, emptiness. my exterior was bruised and beaten but only inside could i feel the effects. i was not strong i was fragile, scared, and vulnerable. frustrated by words of praise i sank deeper into my delusions, and perfected my 'brave face'. i was not strong i was struggling. listening to the vital carts wheel in and out, my door never a separation but a portal to demons wielding gurneys, needles, charts and machines. i was restless in my immobility. i was not strong i was numb. calling for my mother at 4:00 am she carried my weight, she held my hand, she washed my hair, she changed my clothes, she slept, barely, at my feet. i was not strong my mother was. days piled on; hours lost in isolation maddening my mind and diminishing my willpower. with every test, measurement, and procedure i felt helplessness swallow the living light in me. still, i complied, i waited, i did what was asked. i was not strong i was a quiet fire. looking at my damaged body, examining my inflamed veins. my face was swollen, my hair matted. i shook in my skin disassociating my identity. i was not my condition i was not my self disgust. i can not say that i feel better just different, which is neither positive or negative. reflecting on 10 days as a ghost getting acquainted with myself, filling in the blanks. i was not strong i was surviving.
0
Mar 23, 2015
Mar 23, 2015 at 10:49 PM UTC
surviving
"you are so strong" my eyes stared into nothing, burning with the absence of tears. i knew there would be a point where i could not cry anymore. what was everyone seeing? because all i felt was weakness, pain, emptiness. my exterior was bruised and beaten but only inside could i feel the effects. i was not strong i was fragile, scared, and vulnerable. frustrated by words of praise i sank deeper into my delusions, and perfected my 'brave face'. i was not strong i was struggling. listening to the vital carts wheel in and out, my door never a separation but a portal to demons wielding gurneys, needles, charts and machines. i was restless in my immobility. i was not strong i was numb. calling for my mother at 4:00 am she carried my weight, she held my hand, she washed my hair, she changed my clothes, she slept, barely, at my feet. i was not strong my mother was. days piled on; hours lost in isolation maddening my mind and diminishing my willpower. with every test, measurement, and procedure i felt helplessness swallow the living light in me. still, i complied, i waited, i did what was asked. i was not strong i was a quiet fire. looking at my damaged body, examining my inflamed veins. my face was swollen, my hair matted. i shook in my skin disassociating my identity. i was not my condition i was not my self disgust. i can not say that i feel better just different, which is neither positive or negative. reflecting on 10 days as a ghost getting acquainted with myself, filling in the blanks. i was not strong i was surviving.
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69
who are you? You upon whose skin comedies are written in bruises and scars like graffiti on your heart scrawled upon the walls in the language of maddening imperfection. You who exhumes the bones of demons from the graveyard growing inside of you the cemetery where you bury your grief. who are you? who rebels at the crimes, self-inflicted, yet cannot bring yourself to bury the hatchet (a hurricane that refuses to be named.) You who has learned (to your sorrow) that the world has teeth and homes cannot be made out of human beings. You who cannot help but idle on the question "what parts of me still function properly?"
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Dec 25, 2017
Dec 25, 2017 at 3:24 AM UTC
who
It is no night to drown in: A full moon, river lapsing Black beneath bland mirror-sheen, The blue water-mists dropping Scrim after scrim like fishnets Though fishermen are sleeping, The massive castle turrets Doubling themselves in a glass All stillness. Yet these shapes float Up toward me, troubling the face Of quiet. From the nadir They rise, their limbs ponderous With richness, hair heavier Than sculptured marble. They sing Of a world more full and clear Than can be. Sisters, your song Bears a burden too weighty For the whorled ear's listening Here, in a well-steered country, Under a balanced ruler. Deranging by harmony Beyond the mundane order, Your voices lay siege. You lodge On the pitched reefs of nightmare, Promising sure harborage; By day, descant from borders Of hebetude, from the ledge Also of high windows. Worse Even than your maddening Song, your silence. At the source Of your ice-hearted calling -- Drunkenness of the great depths. O river, I see drifting Deep in your flux of silver Those great goddesses of peace. Stone, stone, ferry me down there.
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3.6k
Lorelei
Where are my stone cold optimist Roll call all positive no hostages I feed of the energy in my approximate vicinity Then whole world will know an optimist   Gather your belongings and meet me at the rocket ship Yes truly I will be with the hostages taking roll call all positive Sergent! no hostages are in Thats work for an optimist Blood and sweat my middle name Thats an optimist riding a rocket ship Our heart beats so hard numbing our veins Thats a maddening fit But you know how sweet victory is for an optimist Take is easy simpleton optimist Real optimist be like oh yeah smiling in there hearts All positive not a negated positive deluded optimist The End
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Sep 12, 2014
Sep 12, 2014 at 1:05 PM UTC
Hostages and optimist
I wish I wrote the way I thought Obsessively Incessantly With maddening hunger I’d write to the point of suffocation I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing And I’d write about you a lot more than I should -benedict smith
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Nov 19, 2017
Nov 19, 2017 at 10:35 PM UTC
(Benedict Smith)
My Dearest Black Dahlia Stumbling in these neon streets Waiting to be torn in two Be my carrion pin up model Adorned in imprinted diamonds With porcelain skin icy stale Murderous glamor Gleaming and serene Posing like a minx Half here and half there A hauntingly mesmerizing woman Should I be fearful Or should I be in love I suppose this is maddening But I am smiling all the while Bright and all Irish Welcome to Hollywood My Dearest Black Dahlia
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Aug 29, 2016
Aug 29, 2016 at 11:35 AM UTC
My Dearest Black Dahlia Revisited
When I call out into the nothingness of my bleak existence, I desperately scream one thing: "Marco..." ...and I let my absolute mundane, boring, maddening vacuum absorb the echos, and as the yell fades away to a yelp, I waited for my answer. And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... 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And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... waited... waited... waited... waited... waited... wai... "...Pollo," the void returned.
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Apr 9, 2018
Apr 9, 2018 at 11:14 PM UTC
Marco...
When I call out into the nothingness of my bleak existence, I desperately scream one thing: "Marco..." ...and I let my absolute mundane, boring, maddening vacuum absorb the echos, and as the yell fades away to a yelp, I waited for my answer. And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... 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And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... waited... waited... waited... waited... waited... wai... "...Pollo," the void returned.
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18
Reality is treacherous. Its conformity is maddening, and the rules insanely sane, The walls of uniformity are clouded with illusions that seem delusional, And freedom and constrictions seem one and the same, I am a dreamer, yet I fancy myself a creator, I build worlds from the shards of a life that lacks flavor, I prefer the freedom of love, hope and death, And I crave the obsession of life and birth, I am a dreamer, and so a world of facts and truths I shun, I am a dreamer, a dying race, under the setting sun. But the optimism of a dreamer is maddening, Filled with hopes and dreams that are inherently saddening, I am a wordsmith, a romantic and some might say a visionary, Creating universes and queens from the extraordinary, I am a romantic, and I desire the audience of the stars, I am a romantic, and carved on the walls of my heart are a million scars. I am a wordsmith, building walls from worlds torn at the seams, I am a dreamer, fleeing from the banality of life through my dreams.
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Aug 31, 2015
Aug 31, 2015 at 2:37 PM UTC
A Wordsmith And A Dreamer.