My favorite game
  **I  love to play
   Never will stop
     Everlasting joy        
      Can't stop
        Rush of excitement
          Always fun
            Feel tired
              Time to sleep

Did you feel me near you precious girl? Did you feel my hand on your tummy, pulling your little body close to mine? Did you feel my breath on your neck as I whispered in your ear? Did you ***? Did your body shake? Did your mind quake when you thought of me? Did I caress you tenderly, or did I take you roughly? Was my hand on your throat applying gentle pressure, reminding you that I own you. Your body, your mind, and yes even your soul, that place deep within you that you think of as dark, and broken, and wrong. That is where I truly know you, that is the beauty within that you do not see. You are my pet, my child, my love. Know that I hold you in my thoughts and caress you with my mind. For lways and forever baby girl you belong to me.

In my eyes, I'm drowning

Always waiting to be acknowledged
Moulding myself to be the way I should be

Nice and quiet, just the way you want me
Open eyes, closed mouth
Tired, so tired of this facade

Asking just for acceptance

Grinding my teeth at the little digs
Impossible to make you happy
Running from the way I'm supposed to be
L**augh all you want, I can't change me

Always **lonely lunatics
random inhabitants, godless humans, tempted...
Love exists to sting
to ruin you
a gorgeous addiction, ill-fated nectar
Maybe it sounds strange
You ought to use
such opportunity...

L** oves to play on the computer

A lways humorous

U nique in every way

R unning, jumping, tumbling at gym

E xceptionally bright

L earner

(an acrostic of 10W X 5 lines)

D-addy, like an idol, rarely closes his eyes...he is
A-lways patient...eagerly hears us...though tired from work, he
D-elights in our silly, lively, sometimes significant, or even stalemated
D-iscussions...he even joins in, and contributes to our childish
Y-abber........he's our idol...our friend...he is our DADDY!



Sally
Copyright June 20, 2015
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan

Raw flesh drenched in alcohol
Burning numbing till paralyzed, keeps me still
                         Power you have over my being, keeps me fearing

             Your presence destroys me, shatters me
Feeling naked, inadequate when my eyes see
My reflection's negation in you
Cannot hide anything when you expose all of me

Wounded animal beaten without avail
Knowing, proprietor of my pain
               You don't understand my whimper, wail?
My blood being diluted by the sweat of your laborious efforts
Precociously tactful, inhumanly strangling my will

Ever-becoming antithesis to facades, fears, farces in me
Facing scalpels and clamps to my insecurities, my tactics, my pride
Leaving me open not caring if I'll die from exposure
                    Caring only that you're exposing the real me

I-nvoluntarily l-acerated, o-n the v-erge of e-nding u-ndone
Somberly Always Unsettling Leaving me bare

i suffer from depression and its always been that way...
prozac work best but have side effects that i dont like...

I was always thin when i was younger up until my brother died..
When he died i gained like 30 lbs *** i was so upset and missed him terribly. I also didnt have any friends close by that i could REALLY talk to...(she lived 6 hours away and was going thru stuff with her new man so i didnt want to bother her.)

I so wanted someone to talk to about all my woes but couldnt afford it.
So i masked it with what i could afford and what ive always masked my pain with..

I was molested by my moms ex husband when i was like 4 - 8 yrs old.
I used to imagine myself floating on the ceiling and years later found out why when I read a book about children who are abused weither its physical, verbal, or ******. It said in the book that children who are abused will usually either put themselves into the wall or floating on the ceiling...when I read that I felt so realieved *** I always remembered myself doing this but i didnt understand why i remember doing that.... I thought I was crazy or nuts or had special powers.
It also said that kids who are abused in any of these areas are more likely to drop out of school, commit crime and or do drugs, or all of the above.

Because Ive been an addict and I dont know why.I have gotten into trouble before and i did drop out of school.

I wish I had'nt  done any of them, much less all 3!!

When I was younger I loved to listen to music. I still do. It was like my best friend *** it didnt let me down and wouldnt leave me.....it was always there whenever I needed it and there was a lways a song that could explain EXACTLY how I feel.  My brother had an obsession with it as well and he would like rock or pop his head to the beat.

When my brother died....I felt so lost and so alone...Because only a few people in my life have ever loved me for me.....i guess its unconditionally!!

One was my bro...the other is my son Todd... and the other is my best friend in the whole world and her name is Yvonne but I call her Bon Bon.

They have always accepted me for who I am and dont judge me at all...
They just say "thats the way she is you either like her or you dont".
Because I am very blunt, honest, i dont candy coat things...Alot of people dont like that.....but there are others that think its fine. Its just me.

But anyway....I had a boyfriend when he died that ripped him off before he died and I was so mad at him for doing that...It caused alot of term oil in my family over that. I used to go see my brother ever week and Id stay for at least one night if not both nights and id cook him food and do his laundry (he was kind of disable *** he had a rare case of gout and it made him most of the time wheel chair bound.)and just visit with him...we were really close and when the boyfriend did that it made it weird between us...
and I didnt go see him for the last year of his life...*** he was thinking i was in on it with the ex (but I swear on my life may god strike me dead i had nothing to do with it.) which when he was really sick and in the hospital I mmade the ex take me to see him.

Making a long story shorter...
I at least got to see him twice before he died. Once when he was able to still talk and the other time he was so medicated that he couldnt. But the last time we spoke the last thing he ever said to me was "I LOVE YOU!" and Im so grateful for that....

But I gained weight *** i was so sad that he was gone and still am....

Now my mom on Oct 1, 2014 ..
was given the news that she has paincriatic cancer. Its not cureable  and its the most deadly.
Learning this has made me so very very sad even more depressed *** now Im going to loose my mommy.

It is so sad to think your mom is going to die when shes only 67 yrs old. Shes never smoked or done drugs and has like 2 or 3 degrees in stuff. She was the first woman in the 80s to have top secuity clearence at Edwardas Air Force Base. She was involved in the space shuttle flights (i dont know what she did but she was in the control room doing something) and the SR71 and the Blackbird aka The B-1 bomber. Shes so smart and doesnt deserve this...

I dont do the death thing well at all and i am a depressed eatter. I have gained some more weight learning all of this now with her....

I have been told that Im an UglyPig and will be alone forever from this person (******* really) i used to see and hes on here and is very mean to me talking about my appearance and my devices that i use *** i know of nothing else....

Some of us havent had the best childhood that was happy and wonderful with my true parents..
Some of us have broken homes and had to see our mom get beat up by the ******* who molested me for years...
Some of us didnt feel like we were loved or that we mattered ....its as if we were a blockage for my moms fun.
I know my mom loved my brother and my sister but i dont think she loves me....i think she tries but she just cant or doesnt know how...

My point behind writting this it to tell the ******* that I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT, AND I WILL STOP USING.....BUT I DONT NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOU WHAT A FAT UGLY NON EDJUCATED BORE I AM....
I HAVE NEVER SAID WHAT I THINK OF YOU BECAUSE ITS NOT RIGHT AND ITS HURTFUL AND IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MYSELF LIKE YOU HAVE AND BE A **** (LIKE U SAY I AM) LIKE YOU ARE BEING.

I AM GOING TO GET THIN BUT IM GOING THRU THE HARDEST **** IVE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN MY LIFE AND IM DEPRESSED BUT I WILL GET HELP AND GET THIN AND CUTE AGAIN AND I HOPE AND PRAY I RUN INTO YOU......

*** YOUR NOT WORTH WASTING ANY MORE OF MY MIND ON.

EXCEPT FOR .........

grow the **** UP!!!!!

how dare you come back?
how can you do what you do to me
'Cause when it's you I can't say no,
and it ******* really hurts
that I always let you in
even if you lways leaves me hanging
hoping that everytime you touch me,
the possibility of having you entirely
why can't I ignore you
the way you ignore me
I ****** up so bad..
And this is getting old
how can you come back and go
and leave me empty and sober
using me for that long...
and I let you use me for that long,
haven't you felt a little
just a little emotion
but I guess not,
You said I've given you what you needed
but you never really needed me
I end up crying inside for you
but I can't let you see how much it hurts me
pretending that I'm enjoying
playing this ******* game..
Sometimes when I'm in your arms I wonder
If I'l ever have the chance to be the one
Or maybe not...

I admit, and can't lie
I still love you
after all the harsh cold kisses


I can feel you have nothing fo me
but why you keep coming back?..

Yes I can give you what you need
but I guess I'll never be the one you really needed.

I'd rather you tell me the worst
but why still keep me like this
when I thought you already forgot about me
and me trying hard
you'll come back again and ask for me
ask for more

you got me on your grip
I'm doomed for loving you,
and I guess will always will..

A, always absencent and afraid
D, in such distaste;
A, for anger- absoloute
& M, cuz mans a ****** Waste:

Is this a written name?
Of this friend or potential lover
How he Reels this unique pain,
Too bad he wont discover:
That I'm the one whos truth's attentive
Not the one with words incentive-
Take ownership, & be repentive
Your minds absolutely unretentive.

I don't believe that you have this gift
To heal and unlock a Better version
of whoever you think you are-
What you've been given, you must shift
Enjoying that fake xannax bar?

A lthough you hurt
D ont hurt me too
A lways iconsiderate-
M anipulated too.

✌️

Always
Be
Careful
Don't
Ever
Fall from
Great
Heights
It
Just might
Kill you
Literally
Make
No mistakes
Only smile
Please, it's
Quite hard in
Reality but
So easy
To say
Usually people
Very quickly
Withdraw
X** marks the spot
You'll see, they'll soon just sleep
Zzzzz

A lways there
u can talk to him
s ays he is always there
t alks non stop to make you happy
i like him to be there when I need someone to talk to
n eeds time to think about what you tell him about
A mazing person
d eserves a good girl
a lways nice!
m eets your needs as a listener
s its there through tough times

I** feel I am not good enough
No one really needs me.
Although I have many skills,
Disapproval is all I foresee.
Everyone looks for more
Questioning my future life goals.
Uncaring to my personal feelings.
Always wanting things their way.
Taking me under their control.
Everyone wants more than I have to offer.

© 1996

Can you please tell me,
How the cost of living isn't free?
Every heart beat that I feel,
Always seems another second to steal.
Poor souls suffer in torment,

Still losing a special moment.
Every life is forever paying,
A** price we pay for straying.
Taking us closer to Deaths' touch;
Suddenly the cost seems too much.

Tomorrow's
Always a new day,
Keep remembering
Everyday is a new chance to live.

Always remember that someone loves you.

Breathe---just breathe, take it all in.
Relax,
Enjoy life for what it is,
And don't have fun just
To make something of yourself
H**ave fun because you can ---
                                                               and don't work to much ---
                                               just work because you can get money.

A--lways willing to exhibit; a smile that graciously blesses.
M--aking sure to contribute; to the removal of all stresses.
A--dorable as she begins to awaken; so thankful for a new day.
K--indness was never forsaken; as she always remembers to pray.
A--wesome is the route she chose; and it is being gloriously redeemed.
<><><>
<><>
<>
I--ntimately she does compose; rebuking all who notoriously schemed.
M--anifesting her faith chances; to become her very best.
A--lluring as she glances; such a wondrous treasure chest.
N--oticed using her gifts; to encourage whomever she meets.
A--nointed spirit uplifts; peers & friends she greets.
<><><>
<><>
<>
N--ever too busy to hug; or embrace someone in need.
K--ept thoughts of a Persian rug; she goes where writing does lead.
O--asis of social concern; is so divinely respected.
S--acred fires within her burn; as she and GOD have connected.
A--ngel is in her season; greater success enters her hands.
Z--ealous of GOD for a Holy reason; aligning with His commands.
A--dapting to His Will and His Way; so as to find her purest joy.
N--ot able to be still on her born day; a vibrance nothing can destroy.
A--ppreciative of these 24 hours; honored by the Lord for her new year.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
cake,..cards,..ice cream & flowers; are nice,..but excited for GOD to make her pathway clear.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
))))))))----------------------------­------------------------------------------------>>>

It seems that no matter what I do,
Nobody seems to see me through.
And yet I am still so far,
Far away from what I am trying to reach.
Fearing that I would lose everything,
Existing in my own eyes as not being worthy enough.
Can you not see that I hurt?
Too late for your sympathy...
I** thought I had grown weak.
Over and over I couldn't see,
Never realizing what happened to me.


I am a stronger person now!
Never give up!
Always do it your way.
Forget what they think,
For they were only try to bring you down!
Everything that you worked for,
Came from your diligence and determination.
Time will tell you once said,
It's finally time to shine!
Only you can make a difference.
Never look back at the past.... It's history now <3

Thank you for reading my 2 sided story.

Inaffection -
A word I made up. The definition of inaffection is the opposite of affection.

Definition: A feeling of disliking or hatred.
Synonyms: aversion, hate, loathing, abhorrence, pet hate, bete noir, displeasure, disinclination, distaste, disgust, repugnance, antipathy, animosity

Forever in my mind,
Always in my heart, you are my one and only! I love you
Very much! You're my future, and the
Only guy in my life.
Remember when we first met...
I** do and each day feels like
The first and I can't believe it's been 3 years!
Everyday I'm with you

Reminds me that good things do happens to good people.
Everybody wants a love like ours;
Caring, loving, and always having fun!
One day we'll be Mr. and Mrs. and I'm
Really looking forward to that
Day, but I can wait! I love you!

"I'm content"
"Something's gonna happen, i don't know what it is, i feel it"
-------------------------------

three weeks later i'm sitting, wallowing in self pity,
mourning over a love that has gone sour
making cuts after cuts in my skin,
hoping you'll somehow feel it and hear my cry for help.

i carved the word "perfect" into my skin on November 17-18, 2012
hoping that despite everything that happened that day
i'd still feel perfect
or hoping that seeing it every day,
i'd start believing i'm
Pretty even when drowning in tears with swollen
Eyes that are filled with stars, stars that i often fail to see and that
Regardless of these scars that are etched into my skin, i am
Full of life and
Energy that is immortelle and
Contagious even though i always feel as if i can't go on and
Things are too much.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i should've carved my name into your heart,
Hoping you'll
Always remember that
Someone like myself is hard to find so therefore
I'm yours always and you are mine and i'll
Never leave nor would i hurt you intentionally, and
Although it feels like we're drifting, i still want you here.

but the ice which we stood on which was our love
has broken,
and is melting and you're on one piece
and i'm on another and if we reach for each other,
we'll drown in the ocean of our love.
and i  don't know what i'm saying anymore,
because my eyes are getting cloudy and so is my mind
and all i can think of is you and if you'd cross that ocean for me.
(h.s)

My Halloween offering for Oct. 10th



Eeeeeeeeewwwww!  Kind of like snot.
Communication between our world and the spirits.
Telltale sign of a ghostly presence.
Occupational hazard as a ghost buster.
Proof positive?  Or just the kids toy "Slime"?
Leaves a lasting impression when seen and felt.
Always makes for a great scene in a movie.
Scientifically, it is part of a cell.
Mysterious!

Best things in life is being with you
Rather than being alone
In the midst of the dark
Across the deep blue sea
Nothing compares when I’m with you

Precious smile I’ll never get tired to see
Always hoping it’ll never leave
Uncommon yet it shows veracity
Laden heavily by your own difficulty

Videos and music we’ve shared together
Inseparable moments that will last forever
Racing hearts but never exposed
Anxious of the possibilities ahead of our road
Youth, hindered us from the unspoken words of our own sentiments

Considering my thoughts
Raging for every reasons I have
In leaving you behind the walls we unconsciously built or
Staying beside you with the lump on my throat
Observing how you suddenly adapt to our new world
Shredding me into utmost invisible piece
Together-forever remained just a thought in the void
Over-thinking of the road ahead, no more
Messed-up mind glued to the shore
O**n my way to the paradise and mend a heart once broke

P* erception of perfection you peep through,
Pasty pallid skin, polished and hairless too.

O rifices overloaded with objects inserted,
Onus on organs contorted and inverted.

R ated R for restricted but,
Revered in every racing, raving heart.

N o escape, never real, a never-ending reel,
Note now how it is the act and the squeal, never the feel.



I t is its own doom, on a breakfast platter, glittering,

S erving your imagination an unforgettable, unfulfilable fantasy.



A lways present to build a prison cell and still calls you free.



T rue to itself but a lie nevertheless,

R uinous rapture you have there, rupturing a future,

A way from the light to higher heights of depravity fly,

P ursue a mirage, put on its chains now.


Did you fall too?
I was hoping you'd give me a hand.

A** love message in skin
Late night pillow talk
Extra cream your coffee
XIII days, years, century's could never be enough of what I want to spend with you.

Damn, you're amazing.
Always be the one for me.
Violently crush me with your lips
I'm so in love with you.
Dear alex

Memories
Are
Never
Here.
Always
Tomorrow.
­Tonight
Antagonizes
Nobody.

Before
Every
A­ttack.
Calm
H**atred

R emember when we were in love?
E ven just a little?
B ecause I'll never forget.
E specially the bad moments.
C ause the worst moments with you,
C hanged me for the better. So I'll
A lways thank you for that year point 5

Being who you are even when no one is looking.
Even when you are down, you can lift others.
Always willing to help someone when they need you.
Using your abilities to make a difference somehow.
Taking the time to realize the important things in life.
In hard times, you keep your head held high.
Finding yourself in this lost world.
Using the words "I love you" for more than just words.
L**iving life like every day is your last.


Being beautiful is more than looks.
It’s a way of life.
<3